27. Emily

27

EMILY

C harlotte carried my suitcase for me, lugging it up the few flights of stairs to my apartment. After bickering with my mother all day Sunday, I’d booked a flight home for Monday afternoon. It was early evening now and I was spent. I slumped onto my old, worn couch, curling into myself without a thought about dinner, or unpacking, or even something to drink. Charlotte perched carefully on the edge of the coffee table and rested her hand on my knee. I told her on the drive from the airport home how Mom had reacted, and she was sympathetic.

“I can’t imagine how you feel. Even after your mom found out you weren’t interested in an abortion, she kept pushing you?” Her thumb rubbed back and forth across my jeans, and I pulled my leg away.

“Yeah, she thinks I’m throwing my life away. I don’t think so.”

Charlotte frowned and moved to the couch beside me, sinking in on the broken cushion. She mimicked my position, hugging her knees to her chest. Her hair fell around her face in a mess, unbrushed but still gorgeous. I wondered if Daniel would still think I was pretty when he saw my stomach starting to bulge, and I had to turn away from her. Everything made me think of him, probably because I had inadvertently put a distance between us that should never have been there. I should have told him from the beginning.

“I don’t think you’re throwing your life away. I think your life is going to look different from how she wanted it to, maybe even different from how you wanted it to, but it’s not thrown away. You’re just taking a different path. That’s all.”

I forced a weak smile and took a cleansing breath. Char always had a way of seeing the positive side of things. I’d been trying to do the same thing, thinking about the positives. I was already in love with these two little lives growing inside me. My life was already different from how I had planned it to be, but that hadn’t changed when I found out I was pregnant. That had changed the moment Daniel took an interest in me. I’d never in a million years thought I’d meet someone so amazing.

“You really love him, don’t you?”

“I do…” I mumbled, tucking my chin to my chest. “And it’s not because I’m pregnant. I have known I was in love for a long time.”

“You need to tell him, Em. He deserves to know. He’s probably wondering why you haven’t called or texted him.” I looked up at her expression—concerned and caring.

“I know. I’ve just felt guilty about hiding this from him, and afraid that he’d think I was lying to him. He said the one thing that would tear us apart was a lie. I’ve been hiding this for so long now that I’m starting to show. Granted, I’m showing much earlier than a normal pregnancy because it’s twins, but still. He’ll think?—”

“It doesn’t matter what he thinks, as long as you tell him. Okay?”

My stomach gurgled, and I felt ill. The anti-nausea meds were buried in my suitcase, and I hadn’t eaten, so morning sickness was about to kick my ass. I tried to swallow the bile that rose in the back of my throat, but it was a losing battle. This was a part of pregnancy I hated, throwing up all the time. I stood and walked to my suitcase, unzipping it, and as I did, I heard keys jingle in the lock. I froze. The only person who had keys to my apartment other than me was Evelyn, and I didn’t want to see her right now.

The door swung open and she burst in. She had wide eyes and a judgmental expression as she shut the door and stared down at me rifling through my suitcase in search of my medicine. “What do you want, Eve?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were pregnant.”

My shoulders slumped. I found the medicine and pulled the bottle out, twisting the childproof cap fruitlessly. My body tensed, a few hiccups escaping before a burp. It was coming up already. No time for medicine. I bolted to my feet and started for the bathroom, but it was too late. I threw up all over the carpet, my sweatshirt, my jeans, and the torn linoleum in the hallway.

By the time I got to the toilet, I had nothing left in me but sobs. I hated my family, talking about me behind my back as if they were better than me or could control my life with their gossip. It was how small-town life went. It was the reason I wanted out of Monroe County. I wanted to be invisible, to disappear into the masses where no one knew me and I could just live my life my way. I should never have gone home to visit.

Charlotte was there, holding my hair back as I sobbed and blew my nose. Evelyn was there too, arms folded, staring at me emotionlessly. Char helped me clean up and pull my soiled sweatshirt off, and I pushed past Evelyn and headed for my bedroom. Eve followed, heels clicking on the floor.

“Char, I need to speak to my sister alone.”

Charlotte lingered, waiting for me to dismiss her, and I waved my hand. Evelyn would be cruel to me. I knew that much. Char didn’t need to be around for that. “I’ll clean up the floor, okay?” Her compassion warmed my heart.

She left, and I peeled off my nasty jeans, kicking my shoes off by my dresser. Evelyn watched me change, shaking her head at my changing body. “Mom told me, but I didn’t believe it. And you’re far enough along that you’re showing? What, did you have sex with him on your first day?”

“Can you lay off, Eve? This is hard enough without you judging me.” I pulled open my dresser drawer and tried to find some leggings. Most of my pants would be too tight now, anyway. I needed to invest in some maternity clothing soon.

“Look, I don’t necessarily agree with Mom. After having a kid, I know what it does to you.” Her voice softened as she leaned on the door frame. “I wouldn’t abort either. I just think you’re in for a world of pain now. He’s never going to support you. You’re just going to be the fat assistant who got pregnant now. He’ll find a new woman to bone and forget about you.”

Her words stung. I didn’t want to believe that. Daniel loved me. I knew he did. And I loved him. My mind was at war with itself, trying to decide what was true. I pulled a T-shirt on and found some yoga pants. Evelyn continued telling me how badly I messed up as I sat on the edge of my bed and forced my legs into the pants. The ceaseless lectures were pounding my self-confidence into the dirt.

“What if he accepts the baby, Eve? What if he wants to get married and he’s really in love with me?” My question made her grow quiet. She studied my face, her expression changing. I saw hatred, then sympathy, then anger, then compassion. She walked over and sat next to me.

“Marrying a man because you’re pregnant with his child is not a good idea. You know how many women have done that and regretted it?” She wrung her hands in her lap and continued. “Emily, I’m trying to stick up for you, help you. You know? You can’t marry this guy. He never cared about you. If he had, he’d have called to find out where you were… what you were doing. He hasn’t even called once, has he?” Her eyes bored into me, slicing through my soul. Her words were not a genuine question, but an accusation, and a correct one at that.

“No, he hasn’t,” I replied, chin down.

“Can’t you see? Mom might have her own ways of trying to take care of you, and I admit she’s a little over the top sometimes, but we both care. Me and Mom. I think you should come live with me for a while. We’ll clear out the baby’s room and you can bring your bed. It will be good for you. You won’t have to stay with Mom and Dad. You can find a job here in the city that fits your degree better. Please, say you will?”

My stomach rolled again, and I shook my head. “No, Eve. I have to do this my way. Okay? I am going to show everyone that no matter how difficult it is, I made my bed and I will lie in it. I’m not going to mooch off anyone. I’m going to be my own person.”

I smoothed my hands down the front of my yoga pants and stood. “I think I need to eat something or I’m going to throw up again.”

Evelyn stood in a huff, angry with me for refusing her invitation. “Alright, well don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s going to be impossible.”

She led the way to the living room that still smelled like vomit, but Charlotte had gotten the mess mostly cleaned up. Evelyn stormed to the door and opened it, turning back over her shoulder to say, “I think you’re making a mistake.” When she left, she slammed the door behind herself. I stared at the wet floor, soggy from Char’s attempt to clean.

“I’m sorry she’s like that, Em.” Charlotte dropped the rag into the bucket of water she was using to clean the carpet and picked up my pills from the spot on the floor where I’d dropped them. “Take one and eat something.”

“Char, I’m a wreck. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I am so upset. I feel like Daniel will never speak to me again, and it’s not that I don’t want to do this by myself. I can. I just want a family—my family. I want him.” More tears came, and I didn’t stop them.

“Then call him,” she said. “Tell him. Just get this over with so you can feel better.”

She was right. Ripping the bandage off was the only way now. I sat down at the kitchen table and took my phone out of my purse, dropped on the table as I walked in. I opened my contacts and found Daniel’s name and pressed call. The phone rang several times and went to voicemail, but I didn’t want to leave a message. I wanted to hear his voice, so I called again. This time, it went straight to voicemail, no ringing. He had shut his phone off.

The only thing worse than not knowing was knowing that it was not good. He’d never have turned his phone off like that if he wanted to speak to me. The only thing I could think was that he was upset with me for not calling all weekend. He had every right to be upset with me. I didn’t leave a message either, because all I could do was cry now, and I didn’t want him to hear me crying. I put my phone back in my purse and folded my arms on the table, collapsing over them.

I felt hopeless. I couldn’t do this without him.