21. Emily

21

EMILY

I sat in the booth near the back of the restaurant, waiting. Evelyn was late, which wasn’t normal for her, but it gave me time to think. I ordered for both of us because we both enjoyed the same things. After weeks of thought, I wasn’t as angry about her telling my parents about me and Dan dating. After all, she was my sister and she did care about me. And it had taken the stress of my telling them off my shoulders, so that was a bonus too. I hadn’t been around for their initial reaction. What I’d gotten from Mom was just a well-thought-out speech. Probably better that way.

Tonight’s “sister dinner” would be an opportunity for me to really just be with Evelyn and try to relax a little. When Charlotte came over, she just wanted to sit and talk about the baby and my decisions. I needed space from that conversation tonight, so I hadn’t invited her to come.

The place wasn’t very busy. It was a rainy night. When that happened, people stayed home and had delivery services bring their food. I had ventured out into the rain because it reminded me of back home, walking where I wanted to go even if it was raining. I had a good umbrella, and for the most part, I stayed dry, but when Evelyn walked in with soggy feet, I could tell she wasn’t as happy to enjoy the melancholy weather as I was.

“God, it’s awful out there,” she said, flopping into the seat. She stashed her umbrella in the same place I’d hidden mine, under the table. “You ordered?”

“Yeah, the grilled chicken Caesar salad.” I pushed her glass of water toward her. “That’s what we always get.”

“Yes, it is…” She huffed out a sigh and reached under the table. “My feet are soaked. I’m going to have prunes for toes. I think it’s flooding out there.”

“I’m sorry that happened.” I felt guilty, which she knew I would. Even though the rain wasn’t my fault and she could have worn galoshes like me, it was my fault. Always my fault with Evelyn.

“Ah, well, at least you’re dry.” She smiled, reminding me of my mother so much.

“So, how is the family?” I asked, trying to change the subject. Tonight was about relaxing. I had to remind myself a few times so I didn’t get too irritated by Evelyn’s behavior.

“Same old, same old.” She pushed some damp hair out of her eyes and looked up at me with a stern expression. “Have you told your boss to buzz off yet?”

I stared at my empty place setting and let my shoulders droop. “I was hoping we could just have a good evening, Eve. I don’t want to argue.”

“I’m not trying to argue, Em. I care about you.”

The waitress walked up with our salads, causing a distraction I hoped would be enough to dissuade Evelyn from pressing the issue. The woman sat our food down and asked, “Does it look okay?”

“Looks delicious, thank you,” Evelyn told her and unwrapped her silverware.

“Looks good.” I smiled at the kind older woman, and she nodded.

“Need anything, just flag me down.”

And then the distraction was gone, and I was left facing my brutish older sister. She meticulously lined her silverware up on the right-hand side of her bowl, then snapped the napkin and draped it across her lap before sipping her water and picking up her fork.

“So, are you going to tell me or not?” she asked again, and I shrugged.

I unrolled my silverware and pulled out my fork. I was famished, ready to eat my entire salad and hers. I stabbed a crouton and put it in my mouth, crunching it to delay having to answer, but Evelyn knew my procrastination was answer enough. I was surprised, however, when her voice was calm as she continued. Not the expected harsh lecture.

“You know, Em, when you moved to Chicago, I had really high hopes for you. I still do.” She took a bite and chewed it, speaking only after she had swallowed. I had a bite too. It was better than I expected. “This whole business with your boss, though, I’m worried.”

Evelyn was never calm like this when I was doing something she didn’t approve of. Not when I asked to move to California to go to school—which never happened—or when I wanted to do a six-month trip to Eastern Europe for an exchange program. It was like she thought of me as her own daughter, not her sister. I was always at the receiving end of some lectures. But tonight, she was collected and patient, which made me want to at least try to get along and listen instead of arguing.

“Emily, this guy is so much older than you. Even if he’s not abusing his power to get you to date him, he’s just too old. What if you get pregnant and he pressures you to marry him just because you’re having his baby? What if you end up not liking him that much? You get married, have his kid. Ten years down the line, you’re still in your thirties wanting to have a life, and he’s pushing fifty and ready to have a heart attack and die.”

“Oh, I don’t think that will happen.” I plunged my fork into my salad and speared a bite of it.

“Look what happened to Charlotte's dad. Died at forty-eight. Massive heart attack.” Evelyn looked at me with concern. “Honey, I love you. I’m trying to watch out for you. Even if he doesn’t die, a man who is that much older than you will slow down faster. He’ll be tired, ready for bed by eight p.m. while you’re wanting to enjoy a movie. You’ll want to be out hiking and running, and he’ll have lower back issues.”

I stared at my salad, feeling less hungry than before. Everything she was saying made sense, but I cared about Daniel. She didn’t know I was already pregnant, and I had no intention of telling her, but that doubled the heavy emotion I was already feeling as she continued.

“Say you have a kid now. In twenty years, you’ll be in your forties, still able to live an incredible life, and he’ll be pushing sixty.” She frowned at me, and my eyes brimmed with tears. “Babe, think about it. A man that good-looking who is that old? Why hasn’t he settled down? I bet he’s told you he never found ‘the one’. Hasn’t he?”

“He never said that,” I told her, but I had never asked. It never occurred to me to ask him. I was just happy he took an interest in me.

“Let me educate you, Emily.” Evelyn put her fork down and wiped her hands. “He probably has a million mistresses just waiting to be the next one bent over his desk. He can have any woman he wants without any restrictions. He’s hot, he’s powerful, and he’s single.” She ticked the list off on her fingers, and I blinked, tears streaming down my face. “He isn’t married because he’s a player, and he’s playing you too.”

“I don’t think so…” I shook my head, not ready to believe that quite yet. I couldn’t believe that. To agree with her would be to crush my own heart. Daniel would never do that to me. He loved me. I loved him. Right?

“Do you have proof otherwise?” she asked, picking her fork back up.

I could have asked Jill, but Jill was married. She had a family. She wasn’t the type to have an affair. As far as I knew, she’d been his secretary for years before me. All I could do was shrug at Evelyn and let my shoulders fall again.

“Trust me. You need to break it off. Let me and Charlotte find you a respectable guy closer to your age.”

“No, thank you,” I mumbled. Even if I was ready to break it off with Dan, I wasn’t ready to date anyone else. Not for a long time. Not with the baby coming.

Evelyn finished her salad, but I wasn’t interested in mine. She changed the subject, maybe realizing how emotional it made me, and we talked about her job and her frustration with her husband.

By the time I left the restaurant, it wasn’t raining anymore. I wanted to call Daniel, to ask him again if he was serious about me. I wanted reassurance and encouragement, but the thought of lying to him about the baby stopped me from dialing his number. He’d said lying was the one thing that would break us up, and I had a huge secret.

I scolded myself for having not told him about the baby yet. My mind was so overwhelmed with fear that this was all some game to him that I just didn’t know what to think. I wanted to trust that he was being real with me and not playing me like a pawn. But now, after everything my sister said to me, I feared the worst again. Only, the place I knew I could get comfort was the very place I was afraid to go.

As I walked toward my apartment, I pulled my phone out. I needed a few days out of the city to think about things. Going home to Monroe County was the only option. Staying here in Chicago would mean work and interacting with Daniel. It would mean him popping into my apartment to see me—if he hadn’t been disgusted by it in the first place. Or it would mean him inviting me out, taking me to dinner and wanting me to go to his place. I just wanted to think.

“Em?” Mom said when the phone rang through to her number.

“Mom… Can I come home? I mean, just for the weekend. Maybe a little longer? I want to visit. I miss you guys.”

“Oh, honey, yes, you can come home any time. Your room is just like you left it.” She paused, and I sighed. “Is everything okay?”

I kicked a stone on the sidewalk. It skidded into the street, and I watched a car run over it. “I’m just lonely. I want to be around you and Daddy. Is that okay?”

“Of course, Emily. You are welcome here any time. You let me know the arrangements, and I’ll make sure we are at the airport to pick you up.”

“Okay, Mom. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. I hope you’re feeling okay.” Mom was prying, like always, but I wouldn’t get into it over the phone. This would be my weekend of reckoning. I could already tell. But a lecture from my parents was better than finding out I had been played by the only man who ever wanted me.

“I’m okay now. I just need to come home and rest for a few days.”

We said our goodbyes, and I hung up, but the feeling of torment in my chest didn’t go away. And when the rain started back up, I didn’t use my umbrella. I wanted to feel something—anything, other than sadness or fear. The cold droplets on my skin made me feel alive for a moment, connected to the rest of the world instead of on my own island of pain.

I trudged forward as the heavens poured down, drenching me, and I thought of Daniel. Charming, charismatic, handsome, powerful, everything that drew me in. Now they were things I was skeptical about, even suspicious. I didn’t know what to believe except that I loved him more than life itself, and I wanted a life with him—a family. My deepest fears preyed on me, spurred on by Evelyn’s concerned talk. How would I raise this baby by myself? Because there was no way I was getting rid of it. Abortion or adoption—neither one was an option for me.

If Evelyn was right and Daniel was playing me, this baby was the only thing I had left of him. There was no way I was giving that up.