18

And now, she was mad. Furious, even. Not only was Cedric trying to tell her how a woman"s body worked, despite her living in one her entire life and knowing how cycles worked and how she responded to going off birth control, but he was now trying to insist there was something more to them than just sex and wanting a baby? Okay, yes, sure, she had previously had hope that they were something more, something serious, but she no longer trusted him, and with all trust gone, that hope was now ash.

There was nothing between them. There never could be. Never would be. They would fuck, she would get pregnant, and then she would never see him again.

That was all she was willing to give, so for him to insist there was something more, then...

Then...

Fuck.

Before she could even open her mouth to yell at him, she felt herself deflating again, ready to sink into a pity party that felt more like younger, stupider Bethany.

No. She had to stop this. He was the one who had screwed up in more ways than one. How was he turning the tables and acting like she was the one lying?

"You have never been honest with me, so don"t try to act like this is something more than it is. We"ve been having sex, good sex, and sure, you"re more reliable than other men who have crawled into my bed, but you"re not—"

"Trying to make me jealous, Sunshine? I know other men have been in your bed, but none of them were smart enough to stay, and none of them were like me. No one has fucked you the way I have."

"Sure! You"re right. None of them have ever fucked me the way you do, but you"re still a man. You"re still going to pick your own path and do what you want and expect me to fall in line and lower my expectations. You lied to me, Cedric, and once my trust is lost, there"s no gaining it back. You have no idea how lucky you are I even trusted you to start with!"

"I didn"t lie!" he snapped back at her, now pushing himself off the bed and taking a few steps away. Good. They needed the distance between them. "Yes, I kept a secret from you, but I never lied. Never told you I was human."

"And how was I supposed to know it was possible you weren"t human? I mean, I still don"t understand how a man can become a bear, and you didn"t even tell me. Instead, I had to be scared by a bear on the doorstep that suddenly became a human! I don"t know if you were ever even planning to tell me, even if you say you were going to."

"Well I"m fucking sorry for not telling you my biggest secret! It"s not like I"ve ever told anyone before! The only people who know about me are those like me. I"ve never trusted a human enough to tell them. Never met a human I even wanted to tell, until you."

He was breathing hard and not looking at her, and something in her cracked. She was still angry, but to know that he had never even told anyone, and that she was the first... Something about that felt special. Vulnerable.

It made her feel tired, and now, her anger didn"t know what to do. She wanted to yell, to fight, to argue, maybe even hit something or someone, but that would get her nowhere.

"I don"t know how to trust you, Cedric. I don"t know if what you"re going to say next is just to make me happy and not complain, or if it"s to protect yourself, or—"

"Look at me, Sunshine," he said calmly in contrast to his previous yelling. "Look at me, Bethany."

She refused, her eyes firmly locked on her hands in her lap. If she looked at him, she would either yell or scream, and neither would get her anywhere.

"Dammit, Sunshine, look at me," he snapped, no longer calm. "You infuriating thing, look at me. I know men in the past have treated you like shit, and they"re all goddamn morons, but what"s going on with us isn"t because of anything wrong with you. Maybe I am just like the rest, too fucking stupid to know how to think clearly around you, but I"m trying here. Trying to tell you the truth. Tell you how I feel. Tell you what I want from you."

"And what do you want from me?" she hissed, unable to keep herself from looking up at him, only a few steps away from the bed. It felt like there was miles between them. "Go ahead and tell me what you want from me. I mean, you can"t even tell me what you feel for me, or—"

"Anything I say right now, I don"t even know if you"d believe me," he growled back. Fuck, she hated how deep his voice was right now, because it made her lower body want something she wasn"t ready to do. She wasn"t going to fuck him in anger. Not when it was possible she would get pregnant. "This is new for me. Feeling like this for someone. And I ain"t telling you when I"m mad, either."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she demanded, sitting up higher on the bed, and nearly ready to climb out of it. "What, do you think you love me?"

"I told you, no matter what I fucking say, you won"t believe me, so I"m not going to waste words you ain"t ready to hear. But what I feel for you? It ain"t nothing I"ve felt for anyone else. I want you, Sunshine. Every piece of you. You"re in my blood, in my soul. You drive me insane sometimes with just a smile. Touching you, I lose all fucking control. And that"s all I"ll fucking say right now, because if I say anything else, I"m liable to get slapped or shot, but until you figure out how you fucking feel, then—"

"Shut up," she snapped, now standing beside the bed with her arms wrapped around her. He was angry, she knew that, but what he was saying, it was breaking her apart inside, building up the embers of hope, making her want to believe him. She wanted to believe him, to believe that what was happening between them was real, that it was something more than just sex, but she couldn"t trust him. No matter how much she wanted it to be real, that he wanted to say more, that he felt something for her, she couldn"t trust him. "Just... shut up."

"You want to know how I felt, and now you want me to shut up?" he growled, that low voice once again making her ache to be fucked by him. "Make up your damn mind."

"I can"t trust you!" she gasped, now feeling tears in her eyes. That was the last thing she wanted, to start crying. "I... I promised myself to never trust a man again, and then I trusted you only to find out you"ve been keeping a secret, and I made life changing decisions to come out here with you, and I"m... I..."

"Fuck," he groaned, stepping closer to her. "Don"t cry, Sunshine. I didn"t mean to make you cry. I"m not angry with you. I"m angry with myself. Angry I kept that from you. That you can"t even trust the things I want to tell you."

She wanted to step back from him, to keep him from touching her, but there was nowhere to go. She held up a hand, hoping that would stop him from moving any closer, and it did.

If he touched her, she would probably slap him, and then kiss him, then beg him to fuck her into the mattress.

She wanted to give into her lust and desire, and let her hormones run free and enjoy his deep growls, but she would regret it when it was over. Of that, she was certain.

"You say there"s nothing wrong with me, but I can tell you right now, I"m a little broken when it comes to men." She felt empty, vulnerable, and the tears were now on the verge of falling. "I used to trust them, only to get my heart broken time and again, so when you came into my life... I had no expectations of you, Cedric, but you kept showing up, and I started to hope, only for us to come out here, and... we don"t know each other. Not really. What you"re feeling? Love and all of that, it"s not instant. We feel lust and desire, sure, but it"s not more than that. It could be, but—"

"Bears don"t have soulmates, Sunshine. I know that. Doesn"t change the fact I wish you were mine."

Whatever bit of resolve she had was quickly falling, and if she didn"t get away from him, now, she was going to end up in his arms, and back in his bed, this time with him joining her.

She was too raw to continue this conversation, and she desperately needed to cry.

"I"ll take whatever you"re willing to give me, Sunshine. Call it pathetic, but I"m a desperate bear. If all you want from me is someone in your bed and a child, then I"ll give you that, and ask for nothing more. But if you feel something more for me, then I"m right here. Ready and willing to give it all."

It wasn"t a love confession, but it certainly felt like one.

She had no idea what he meant by soulmates, and she sort of wanted to ask, but if she said anything else to him, or he confessed anything else, she was going to crumble. The past day and a half had changed her entire world view, and even with sleep in her system, she needed more time to think and process.

She also desperately needed a shower, coffee, and food.

"I need... I need time to think," she whispered, lowering her hand slightly. "And a shower. Food. Clean clothes. I should probably unpack."

She looked up to see he was nodding his head, and he finally took a step back and turned away from her. She thought she saw a smile on his lips, but there was also pain in his eyes. The pain was likely because she hadn"t responded to his question, but the smile...

"You know where the bathroom is. Your bags are all downstairs. I can make us food and coffee while you clean up. We can unpack your things after."

She had expected him to point out that her unpacking her bags meant she was planning to stay, even if she hadn"t said the words themselves. She was glad he hadn"t called her on it. She wasn"t ready to admit that she wanted to stay all winter, nor agree to have a baby with him. Yes, she still wanted it, but not right now. Not until she had finished her pity party, and she had built a little trust in him in again.

And talked to Cordelia. She desperately needed to talk to Cordelia.

"Okay."

Cedric headed downstairs and went into the kitchen, leaving Bethany to search through her bags and find what she needed for the shower. She found everything she would need for a full rinse and repeat, and picked out her comfiest clothing to put on afterwards, which were also not her sexiest. Whatever temptation her scent was to him, she needed it to be muted, so they wouldn"t give in to the clear desire they shared.

With all of her things in hand, she headed into the bathroom and turned on the shower, delighted by the hot water. She hadn"t necessarily been expecting it, given how far out of town they were, but as she stood under the stream, she closed her eyes, trying to relax.

The tears began to fall before she had even reached for her shampoo, and by the time she was rinsing, they were becoming full on sobs.

He wanted more from her than she was willing to give, that much was clear, but now, she had to ask herself what she wanted. Did she want to risk something more with him? Risk the possibility of loving him? Or was that only setting herself up for more heartbreak down the road. Having a baby with a man she didn"t love would be easier than loving him just for him to leave.

And would they even be able to work through the fact he was a bear, and she was human? Fuck, but if they had a baby, how was she supposed to raise a child that could shift into a bear?

Was she crazy for still wanting to have a child with him?

As the water flowed over her body, and the tears finally stopped, she stood there, taking slow and deep breaths, breathing in her body wash and telling her racing heart to calm down.

Did she feel more for him than she was willing to admit? Yes. But how much of it was lust and desire she had no idea. She wanted him, even now, wanted him to burst into the bathroom and fuck her against the tile, but that wasn"t love. That wasn"t a future. That wasn"t family.

One step at a time. Somehow... she had to figure out what she felt for him.

And if she could ever trust him again.