Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

Riggs

"I'm fine," I say?—

Or start to say, anyway, because her snort is loud enough to reach my ears even over the shower running in the background.

My skin is sticky from the steam, but I ignore it in lieu of talking with Ella.

One look from her and the dirty feeling leftover from the phone call, the one that had me wanting to stand under the stream of water and wash it all off—the failure, the frustration, the fear—is gone.

I would so much rather get lost in this woman than talk about the game.

About what came after.

"Riggs," she says, albeit gently. "I know that's bullshit, honey."

Unfortunately, she's too smart for her own good.

I prop my phone up again, ignore the words jabbing at my brain, and smile at her. "Maybe so," I admit. "But I've got my beautiful Ella's hungry eyes on me"—I wrap my hand around my dick and it hardens further at the tiny hitch in her breath—"and she wants to suck my cock."

Her flash of a wicked grin is like a gorgeous storm, like a fucking siren calling me to shore.

It would be terrifying if I hadn't already dived overboard, strong, sure strokes taking me right toward the rocks.

"I do want to suck your cock," she murmurs. "But, unfortunately, we need to be in the same room for that."

"Or you could get naked and we can get creative over video call," I proposition.

Her eyes sparkle, but she slowly shakes her head. "Baby," she says.

Just baby.

That's it.

But I hear the undertones in those four letters.

She's not going to let this go.

Dammit.

I open my mouth, but she beats me to the punch again. Only this time, it's in typical Ella form—surprising the shit out of me with the next words that come out of her mouth.

"I'm terrified."

"What's wrong?" I ask in a rush, heart clenching as I squint behind her, trying to see beyond the bright kitchen lights and into the darkness beyond. "Is someone there?—"

"Not like that," she says softly, but evenly enough that the momentary panic fades and I'm able to focus on what she's saying and not some invisible threat behind her. "I…well, honey…" She winces. "Frankly, I thought this was going to be just hot sex for a few days, maybe for a few months, and then we'd go our separate ways."

The rebuttal rises up into the back of my throat— mine— but I don't let it escape.

And, thankfully, she keeps talking.

"But I think that was delusion speaking because it could never just be that with you," she whispers. "With you, it's always been something more."

I pick up my phone again, trying to study her face on the tiny screen. "Why do you say that like it's a bad thing?"

"It's not," she murmurs, eyes sliding closed for a long moment. "It's just…"

I brace, holding perfectly still, knowing she's about to give me another precious piece of herself, another gift that is so fucking valuable, it's priceless.

"I never wanted that," she whispers.

I absorb the blow—and it's a fucking blow —trying desperately to figure out what that means and what I should do and what?—

"Because part of me is scared that if I let you close…you'll leave."

The air that hits my bloodstream is heady, powerful, making me realize I was holding my breath for long enough for black to curl around the edges of my vision. "Why do you think that, chérie ?"

A long pause, long enough for me to turn and wrench the handle of the shower off, to snag my boxer briefs from the floor and pull them on. I sink down onto the closed lid of the toilet and wait, watching her eyes close and open, her bottom lip tremble.

Hating that I'm here and not there.

Hating that I can't hold her.

Hating that she's in pain I can't take away.

"Because they always leave."

"Who?"

A delicate shrug. "Men." A shake of her head when I go to speak. "I've deliberately kept things casual, kept my distance, kept a careful wall between my heart and the men I date to make sure no one can get close enough to hurt me." A beat. "Because I can't risk it. Not again."

Dammit.

Her eyes are damp.

" Chérie —"

"But—" A breath. Her words steady because she's Ella fucking Adler and she's bright and brave and always keeps me on my toes. "But you've never just been another guy to me, Riggs. It's why…"

"Why it hurt you when I turned you down."

A nod.

Fuck.

Regret pools in my belly. "I didn't want to, chérie . I?—"

"I know," she says. "I know now why—" A breath. "Same as I know there's something eating at you, something that's going to cling to my brain as I try to sleep, make me worry until you're home and I can hug you?—"

"My dad." It just slips out.

Lie.

It's impossible to hold anything back from this woman.

She goes very, very still. Then her expression softens. "What happened?"

"He wasn't pleased about the loss and I didn't want to hear his bullshit tonight. We got into a fight and so shit was said on both sides that we can't take back and—" A throb starts in my temple just thinking about it. "And I'm so done with his bullshit."

Not good enough.

Not tonight, certainly.

Not ever.

"I shouldn't have answered," I tell her, moving out of the bathroom and climbing into bed, glad when she follows my unspoken lead, walking to her front door, checking the lock, and then heading upstairs and into her bedroom, perching on the side of her mattress. "It's not going to change. He's always going to be…"

"Your dad."

"Yeah. He's always going to be my dad, and despite it all, I love the old bastard." I sigh, scrub my hand over my face. "It was a shit game. And we got reamed from coach after the game for playing like shit. And there was that shit phone call." I shake my head. "It was just…a shit day all around."

"Until a gorgeous woman called, admired your penis, and reminded you how sexy you are." She waggles her brows.

"I think the first two happened," I say on a laugh. That she's on the phone with me, checking in on me, trying to make things better, that she gave me a little more of herself…

More fucking gifts.

I tuck them away, hold them close.

And make the deliberate choice to turn away from the heavy.

"Though, I'm not sure how sexy you'd find me if you knew that I had to huff the smelling salts tonight so I didn't pass out." I shake my head. "Hockey is fucking exhausting."

Her laugh is loud and bright.

"Now," I order. "Tell me about Donna's date with George."

Ella fist-pumps as she leans back against her pillows, gets cozy under the blankets. "I am the greatest matchmaker of them all. Even better than Knox," she adds before describing the moonlit trip on the gondola up the mountainside, the romantic dinner complete with candles and soft music that George had arranged. She sighs, clamps a hand to her chest. "If I wasn't afraid of heights, it would be pretty much perfect."

"My brave Ella wouldn't be felled by a gondola."

"You're right," she agrees on a yawn. "I would just shove that fear down and pretend to love it, just fake it until I make it, like I do every time I go skiing, and then reward myself with a drink at the top of the mountain to dull the adrenaline letdown."

The words are so light that they seem unimportant.

But I grasp them tight, commit them to memory.

Because they're a trifecta of puzzle pieces snapping into place—like I've found the final parts that form the edges of the picture and now the outline has shaped up and the rest of the inside will fill right in.

I turn them over in my head as she relates more about George and Donna's romantic date, as she relays her worries about Kit and his boyfriend, as we talk about everything and nothing and all the things in between.

But after her tenth or so yawn, I know I need to let her go. "Time for bed, chérie ," I murmur.

Her heavy-lidded eyes fix on mine. "You'll call me if you can't sleep?"

I should be thinking fuck no, I won't disturb your sleep , but she'll see that, and she'll call me on it, and she won't let me off this call until I agree.

So, instead of lying…I give in.

A common occurrence with this woman.

But not something that bothers me.

Because… mine.

"I'll call if I need to," I say, "so long as you promise to do the same."

Her mouth quirks before her smile is broken up by yet another yawn. "Deal, honey."

And then I watch as she burrows beneath the covers and blows me a kiss before she disconnects.