Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Riggs

One second, I'm enjoying the feel of Ella's lush body pressed to mine, knowing that she's slowly letting me in, letting me beyond the Ella she gives the rest of the world.

The next, I'm seeing the woman burst out of the bar, slipping on the icy wood of the patio.

She stumbles then regains her balance and Ella and I both take a step toward her.

But even as I'm processing the fear on her face, the torn dress, the tears dripping down her cheeks…

A man follows her out.

"No!" she cries, cringing back, feet slipping out from beneath her then, hitting the wooden planks hard enough that she cries out in pain again.

Scared. Hurt. Cornered .

The man steps closer.

" No!" she says again.

But the man doesn't stop reaching for her.

And…I snap.

I'm on him in a second, gripping the back of his shirt and ripping him away from the woman, all but tossing him across the patio.

He hits a stack of chairs with a grunt, sending them crashing to the ground.

I flick a look behind me, see that Ella's with the woman, carefully helping her to her feet.

I turn my attention back to the bastard in front of me.

He's slowly climbing to his feet. "What the fuck!" he shouts, getting in my face, the alcohol on his breath?—

No. NO!

I shudder and push the memory down, shoving him back. "You don't touch women like that."

"And who the fuck are you to even begin thinking about telling me what to do?"

"I'm fucking no one ," I growl. "But you're still going to listen to me."

"Fuck you!" And then he punches me.

Or tries to.

I catch his arm, land a hard blow to his side. "Don't," I snap when he tries to knee me in the balls, gripping his throat and shoving him back against the railing.

"Fuck you." He grabs at my wrist, pushes at my chest. "Let me go."

Distantly, I hear Lake curse, and then he's next to me. "Easy, Riggs."

"He was hurting her," I grit out as the fucker in front of me begins to choke.

"I know," he says, setting a hand on my back. "Let him go. I'll make sure he's gone."

He's turning red, sputtering and coughing, digging his fingers into my arm.

It would be so easy to keep squeezing.

"Fuck," I grit out, releasing him and turning away, stalking to the opposite railing so I don't beat the fucker to a pulp. I look out to the darkness, trying to breathe easy and slow, clenching the snow-covered wood until I begin to feel the cold biting into my skin, until my temper begins to cool.

"Riggs?" Ella whispers, coming next to me, setting a tentative hand on my back.

"I'm fine."

"She's okay too," she whispers. "She's in the office with Nova, Lake and Leo have the asshole contained, and the cops are on their way."

I nod jerkily.

"She was saying no."

I sigh. "I'm fine."

"Honey." It's soft, but I hear it in her voice.

She expects me to shut her down, to push her away, to fuck up and drive her from me. To leave, even if it's just emotionally. And, I can't lie. I want to retreat. I don't want to talk about this shit—I fucking don't.

But I want her more.

So, just as she lifts her hand, as she starts to back away, I turn, snag her hand and draw her to me, burying my face in her throat, inhaling slow and steady until the scent of her is in my very soul. "I'm fine," I rasp. "I promise."

"You're not fine."

I grind my teeth together. "No," I admit. "I'm not."

"It's okay to not be…well, okay."

I laugh and it's broken. "You sure about that?"

She sighs, running her fingers over my head, through the strands on top, and along the shorn strip of hair at the back. "No," she eventually says. "But if it's not okay to not be okay…then what's the point of it all?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why have the good and the bad?" Her voice drops, her words almost contemplative, as though she's realizing this for herself for the first time too. "Why have the moments of joy and the deep, deep darkness that sometimes follows? Why not just exist, just plow forward day by day by fucking day without really living if we're going to make ourselves numb to all the rest of it?"

My heart starts pounding. " Chérie ."

"Why do it at all if we're going to bury everything and exist in…nothingness?"

I don't have an answer to that.

Because that's been my life.

Until her.

"I don't," I murmur. "I just know that when I'm with you, I feel everything."

She inhales and her arms come tightly around me. "Honey," she whispers.

"I know."

I lift my head from her throat, stare out at the wide expanse of Lake Tahoe in front of us. The water is mostly black and navy, only a narrow strip illuminated by the bright, round moon overhead. But I can hear the waves hitting the shore repeatedly, the soft hoot of the owls in the nearby trees, the distant music from inside the bar.

And it settles me.

Settles me enough to realize that Ella's shivering next to me.

Shit.

I wrap an arm around her waist, draw her against my body. "We should go inside," I tell her.

A shake of her head. "I like it out here."

Something unlocks in my chest—or maybe it twists. Hard.

Because she's taking care of me.

Well, I'm going to do it right back.

"Come on, chérie ," I say, taking her hand, trying to draw her inside.

But she drags her feet, plants her palm in the center of my chest. "I said , I like it out here." Her smile is soft, beautiful?—

Stubborn .

Mine.

Giving in for the moment, I draw her closer and say, "Tell me something no one else knows."

She stills, head tilting to the side, moonlight clinging to the ends of her lashes. "What do you mean?" she asks quietly.

"I mean," I say, smoothing back her hair, "I know the Ella who gives Knox a run for his money, and I know the Ella who's fiercely protective of the people she loves"—her body stiffens—"and I know the Ella who takes forty-two alarms to wake up in the morning unless I'm between your legs and tongue-fucking that gorgeous pussy of yours?—"

She clamps a hand over my mouth, expression scandalized. " Riggs!"

I nip at her palm, peel her fingers free. "So, tell me something no one else knows."

I expect her to remain scandalized…

But as always, she surprises me?—

"I've masturbated to the sound of your voice more times than I can count."

All the blood in my body rushes to my dick, and as much as I like that—fucking love it—that's not the answer I want.

"No, chérie ," I murmur, drawing her even closer. "Tell me something that's not going to have me bending you over this railing and fucking you senseless."

A hand down my chest, mischief in her smile, her eyes. "That's not a deterrent, honey."

My dick is so fucking hard it's a miracle that I'm still upright, but I ignore the need burning through me. Something deep inside is telling me that I need to keep moving forward, need to own every part of her.

But I can see she's scared.

So…I can give her mine first.

"I have the first teddy bear my mom bought for me."

She freezes, and then she gives me a fucking gift. She smiles, her hand lifting to cup my cheek. "That's beautiful, honey." A beat. "What was she like?"

"I don't…" I sigh. "I don't remember. She died when I was young." I shake my head. "Sometimes I think I have flashes of her face, of her scent, but…I'm not sure. I don't know if it's my mind filling in the blanks, creating false memories, or if they're real."

Her expression gentles. "I hate skiing," she murmurs. "Even though I pretend to love it."

I grin. "I kind of got that when Knox said you'd rather hang in the lodge."

"The stink," she grumbles. "Giving away my secrets, trying to steal my matchmaking crown."

"He'll never win."

"Damn right, he won't."

Laughing, I kiss the top of her head, feeling her body tremble. We should go in, but I can't bring myself to end this moment.

"I have the cilantro tastes like soap gene," she whispers. "And I love Snickers bars."

More pieces of her.

More gifts.

I tuck them close, alongside the other precious pieces she's bestowed on me—they're a small part of the puzzle of Ella, hardly anything, but this woman is so fucking good at presenting the notion of being an open book while keeping everything important close to her chest that it feels like slamming home a game-winning goal in double overtime.

"What else?" I ask, even though I know I need to bring her inside, get her warm, let her spend time with her best friend and take her home before it gets too late.

"I used to want to be an astronaut."

That has me rocking back slightly on my heels in surprise. "Really?"

She shrugs, her cheeks a little pink and I know it's not from the cold. "It was before I realized I'd actually have to go to space, of course."

"Naturally."

"When Knox clued me in to that small detail, I realized I could appreciate the sky a lot better from down here." She glances up, studying the darkness overhead for a moment, and then points. "See there? That bright dot that looks like a big star near the horizon?"

"Yes," I murmur, running my fingers through the ends of her hair.

"That's Venus."

"Really?"

"And over there?" She points a bit to the side.

I nod. "That's…" She names a constellation I've never heard up. Then doesn't stop naming, guiding my eyes towards various spots in the sky, pointing out secrets I've never bothered to notice.

It's intoxicating listening to her talk, hearing the same excitement in her voice as when she talked about her clients the other morning.

Passion.

Joy.

Ella .

I'm so caught up in listening to her, in gathering the little secret pieces of her, that it takes me a long time to realize that she's shaking so hard her body is practically vibrating against mine, that her teeth are chattering and her hands are like ice when I capture them.

So, as much as I want to hear her go on, I call an end to this and nudge her toward the door. "Time to go inside, chérie."

She sighs but doesn't fight me.

Still, I don't miss that she hesitates as she reaches for the handle.

"What?" I ask quietly.

Long moments of silence.

Then she shakes her head and whispers, "Nothing."

I study her face. There's real fear there. Like she's content to share her childhood dreams…

But too scared to ask for what she really needs now.

That's okay.

I don't intend to make her ask.

"The night isn't going to end here, chérie ," I say and then, because that makes her fear increase, I brush my lips over hers and add, "But I do need to get us inside because this patch on the back of my head is cold as shit."

She's motionless for one more second.

And then she's laughing, loud and bright and beautiful.

And I hold that close too.

Like the gift I know it is.