Chapter 42 Max

Chapter 42

Max

Thunk.

Footsteps clomp along my front porch.

My chin tips up from the book I'm reading, and I glance out the main window just as a shadow bolts by, disappearing before I can make out who it is.

I frown, wondering if it's Chevy bringing over a bag of groceries like he sometimes does.

Closing the book, I set it down beside me on the couch, slip my shoes on, and pull open the door. It takes a minute for me to notice it as my gaze dances around the yard, across the street, left to right. But when I peer down at the porch, a familiar item stares up at me.

An orange backpack.

I swallow, a sinking feeling swimming through my chest. An engine roars and sputters beside me, coming from Chevy's property, but I don't give it much thought.

I'm too focused on the backpack—Ella's most prized possession.

Crouching to my knees, I unzip the bag and peer inside. It hardly weighs anything at all.

And that's because it's only filled with one thing.

A note.

My hand trembles as I reach inside and pluck the folded paper from the bottom of the bag. When I peel it open, another rectangular piece of paper flutters out of it, landing at my feet.

I open the letter, my heart galloping, my breathing unsteady.

And I read.

Dear Max,

You can't catch the sun, but there's no shame in chasing its light.

I hope this brings you light.

Thank you for being mine.

Give your father the best care possible.

I love you.

—Sunny

A choking sound falls out as I read over her note, two times, twelve times.

Then my attention falls to the other little piece of paper resting near my shoe. I pick it up and turn it over. And I almost fucking die when I see what it is.

A check.

A check for $200,000.

No.

No, no, no.

"Ella… fuck ." I jump to my feet and rake a hand through my hair, just as the RV on Chevy's property revs to life and reverses full speed out of the yard.

I already know it's her. I already know she's leaving me.

My legs hardly feel attached as I stuff the check in my pocket and start to run. "Ella!"

My shoes kick up stones and rubble as the big rusted RV guns it down the neighborhood street. She sees me. She has to see me chasing after her, running toward her, desperate to catch her.

Chevy stands by his front door as I whip past his house. He shakes his head, tears in his eyes.

I keep running.

The RV is old, struggling as it climbs the steep hill. "Ella!" I shout cupping my hands around my mouth as the vehicle moves faster. " Ella! "

It keeps moving, the engine booming as she slams on the accelerator.

She's leaving.

She's leaving without a fucking goodbye.

My thighs burn and the soles of my feet ache as I run as fast as I can, catching up. Closing the gap, little by little.

I run like I've never run before. With Olympian speed. With the heart of a gutted, desperate man. Like it's my life's final marathon.

The RV keeps going and I keep running. I won't stop. I can't; I can't let her go. Not like this, not after everything we've been through.

I've hardly had her. I've hardly had a chance to love her.

That rainy night in the clearing will not be our swan song. I refuse to let her go without a real goodbye, without holding her one more time, without one last goddamn kiss.

No, no, no.

"Ella!" I call out, my heart pounding in time with my feet, my airways narrowing as oxygen fights to fill my lungs. As I fight to reach my fucking girl before she's lost forever. " Sunny! "

The RV zooms farther ahead, moving faster, leaving me behind.

My chest feels like it's going to erupt, my strength draining.

I can't catch her.

She's too far.

She's gone.

With a gasping howl from me, my feet finally slow to a painful stop, and I collapse to my knees in the gravel, inhaling, exhaling, every breath without her a breath with no purpose.

I stare out at the expanse of dusty, barren road as the RV becomes smaller and smaller.

I shout, I scream, I growl my agony into the sun, grief spilling from my eyes and tearing down my cheeks.

I stand upright, torn up and dying inside as I kick at a pile of rocks and fist my hair.

And then…

I freeze.

I blink, a sobbing breath catching in my throat.

Red brake lights flare. The RV jerks to a sudden stop up ahead.

I gasp again, this time with disbelief. My heart races and my legs start to move. A slow, cautious jog morphs into a full-out run when I see Ella spill out of the driver's side and land on her feet, staring at me from a few yards away.

The door hangs open.

She cries out.

And she runs.

She jogs toward me with a partial limp and I dash forward with renewed strength, my adrenaline spiking, hope firing in my chest. "Ella!"

"Max," she chokes, the space between us thinning. The distance dwindling.

"Ella."

We meet in the middle and she throws herself at me, her legs coiling around my waist as I drop to my knees, my arms holding her tight. "Max…Max," she weeps against my neck, gripping my hair with both hands. "I'm sorry."

I kiss every inch of her tearstained face, crying with her. "God, Sunny. I thought you were gone."

"I couldn't… I–I saw you running and I–I thought about that day my dad drove me away. I couldn't leave you without a goodbye. Not again." A ragged, mournful wail is muffled by my neck as she trembles in my arms.

"Ella…I can't accept this money," I grit out, squeezing her tight. "I can't. It's too much. Don't you dare leave me with this."

"Take it," she cries. "Please."

"No…the money is nothing without you. My life is nothing without you."

She shakes her head. "Your father needs you, Max. You need each other."

"I need you ."

We rock together in the middle of the road, both of us in ruins.

With her lips pressed to my collar and her arms wrapped around me, she breathes out raggedly, "I need you, too. I'll always need you, b-but…I can't stay."

Pain.

Raw, violent pain crashes down on me.

Devastation competes with knowing, both funneling through me as I clutch her, feeling her soft hair sift through my fingers. "Sunny…"

"I can't, Max," she sobs. "I–I can't stay. I have to leave. Even though it hurts, it hurts so bad, I need to do this. I need to figure out who I am outside of this town. Outside of all this tragedy."

I think about everything she's been through. How broken she's been. How lost.

I think of her dreams, her precious, hard-fought dreams that she deserves to live out.

A horse farm in Michigan. A starlit sky beaming down on her. A quiet, simple life in her RV with books at her feet and wind in her hair as she gallops bareback and free on her favorite horse.

A peaceful life.

A life away from all this pain, all these sad reminders.

She can't stay.

And I can't go.

I let my tears fall down my cheeks and shower her hair. "I understand, Sunny Girl. I do." I choke out the words, pulling back and pressing my lips to her forehead as my heart shrivels up between my ribs. "I know this is what you need," I tell her with soul-crushing defeat. "I just needed to catch you one last time."

Her face crumbles, her cheeks flushed and soaking wet, her whole body shaking uncontrollably. "I'm sorry, Max. I'm so sorry. I just… It's too much. I need time…time t-to heal…"

I pull her back to me, stroking her hair. "Fuck," I murmur against her temple, squeezing her tighter. "I know."

I know. I fucking know.

It hurts so goddamn much, but I know it's right. I know it's what she needs, and I'll never stand in the way of her chasing her peace.

Her light.

Even if that light isn't me.

"Change your number," I force out, every word a dagger to my insides. "I'm begging you. Change your number and delete mine, because I swear I will reach out to you in my weak moments."

She nods, sobbing hopelessly against me.

"Don't let anyone tell me where you are. Make them promise you. I'll come for you, Ella. I swear to God I'll come for you and I'll never let you go."

"Okay," she cries. "Okay."

"I love you so much."

"I love you," she whispers raggedly. "I love you, Max."

It's the first time she's said the words aloud.

And she says them on a goodbye.

Every piece of me withers and decays like a dried-out rose under a hot sun. I deteriorate, petals falling as they're carried away with the wind. "Go," I manage, pulling back and gulping down a strained breath. "Go, Sunny."

"Max." She holds me tighter, kissing my throat, my cheek, my hair.

"Please," I beg. "Go live a good life, Ella. The best life. Meet new people, learn to skip stones, watch every sunrise and every sunset. Find a bridge and toss sticks into streams. Dance. Dance, no matter who's watching. Read as many books as you can, make lists, drink Dr Pepper, and ride horses until you can't catch your breath." I cup her face between my hands and place a final kiss on her lips. "And think of me. Bring me with you to all of those things," I plead, the pain eating me alive. "Don't let me go, Sunny. Don't ever let us go."

Nodding through her tears, she grips my shoulders, her emerald gaze shimmering with new adventures, new daydreams, a new chance at life. "I won't," she whispers back, giving me one last squeeze. "I'll never let you go. And maybe…" Ella swipes at her eyes, staring into mine. "Maybe I'll find you again one day. Maybe…we'll find each other."

Hope bleeds into her words.

Hope that someday, maybe, our timing will be right. Fate will bring her back to me, just like it did ten years after I first laid eyes on her smiling, beautiful face.

"Yeah," I murmur. "Maybe one day." I move away and take a step back, scrubbing my hands over my cheeks and jaw. Then I heave in a tattered breath and voice my final farewell. "Go live, Sunny Girl."

Hesitantly, slowly, she retreats, walking backward toward the RV, still nodding like she's reminding herself that this is right. And with one last poignant look, she spins around and dashes away, her red-brown hair swinging behind her.

Before she hops inside, I call out to her. "Ella."

She turns. Our eyes lock.

"Thank you."

I tap my front pocket, the check she left for me weighing heavily inside.

Her final gift.

A second chance for me, too. For me and my father.

She blinks away more tears and stretches a sad, knowing smile. "You're welcome."

Ella jumps inside the driver's seat with a closing glance, and I stare at the RV as it stutters to life, taking with it the girl I love. I watch it drive off, disappearing over the hill and leaving me behind.

I fall back down to my knees the moment it's out of sight.

Broken down and drained, I sit collapsed in the middle of the road as cars fly by, honking, zigzagging around me, shouting at me to get out of the street. I hardly hear them. It's all background noise. A distant hum.

I sit there until night takes over and minutes bleed into hours.

Daylight fades. The sky darkens to gray.

And I just sit there…

Watching as the sun sets.

"Goodbye…? Oh no, please. Can't we just go back to page one and start all over again?"

—The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, 1977 Disney movie