Chapter Two

LOGAN

Two days turned into two weeks, and still no Ryan. Logan had been slipping out of the office in between client meetings in a vain attempt to balance his work commitments while searching for Ryan, but enough was enough. Logan gritted his teeth and made a decision. Nothing would be accomplished by damaging the firm's reputation. Time to go back to the office full-time. Ryan had vanished, and Logan had to return to his life.

He owed it to his partners, Oliver Tinsley and Simon Brown, to inform them why he'd been so haphazard and unfocused, and though shocked, they agreed his focus had to be on the law practice. Harming his clients' interests served no purpose.

"What do the police say?" Oliver asked. With a frown, he studied Logan through his black-rimmed glasses.

"They don't care. Once they heard he was a relapsed user, they basically told me he'll be found if he wants to be. I filed a missing person report, and they said they'd keep an eye out, but we know what that means."

"I'm sorry, Logan. I thought Ryan was going to beat it. If there's anything I can do, just ask."

"Thanks, Ollie. I thought so too."

"Why don't you come over for dinner this week? Alexandra and the girls would love to see you. It's been too long. I can't remember the last time we got together."

A gentle rebuke, but one Logan felt in his heart. Along with Simon, Oliver had become a second family to him, and he and his wife had been Logan's rock when his father died.

"I'll see."

Simon was even more sympathetic and walked him to his office, where he closed the door behind him. "I don't know what to say. I know how hard it was for you to open up to anyone. Maybe Ryan's just taking some time by himself to lick his wounds over the disciplinary committee's notification."

A wry smile, the first one since Ryan disappeared, tipped up Logan's lips. "Even you don't believe that, Si, and you're an eternal optimist."

He, Simon, and Oliver had met the first day of law school, and after three years living and working together, decided they meshed in business as well as friendship and set up their own firm upon graduation. It didn't hurt that Simon's family had endless money from hedge funds, and Ollie's was old money from New England. Logan was the scrappy outlier, a scholarship kid from Brooklyn whose father owned a bakery and whose mother had stayed home to take care of him and his brother. What they lacked in money, his parents made up for in their unwavering love and support of their sons.

"Logan…can I ask you something?"

In the middle of scrolling through his emails, hoping to find something from Ryan, Logan met Simon's eyes over the top of the computer screen.

"Yes, sure."

"Now don't get mad at me," Simon began, and Logan snorted.

"Then don't say something that's going to piss me off, how about that?"

"I'm serious. How long do you plan on waiting for him to come back to you?"

The somberness of Simon's voice caught Logan off guard. "I haven't thought about it."

"But I have." Simon braced his arms on Logan's desk, bringing his face only inches away from him. "You're doing it again. The signs are all there. It's not the first time, and I'd hate to see you repeat the same mistakes."

Shit.

"There's nothing about Ryan that remotely resembles anyone else I've known."

"Come on, even you don't believe that. It's Logan Silver to the rescue." Simon's eyes narrowed.

"Leave me alone. I have work to catch up on." He returned to his emails, hopelessly scrolling for a message he knew he wouldn't find.

Simon being Simon, he stayed put. "You're lying."

"The fuck you say." That friendship leeway was being tested to the max, and Logan wasn't happy.

"You know I'll always give you the honest truth. I love you, Logan, and it kills me to see you like this. I can't believe someone so goddamn brilliant in business can be so lost when it comes to his personal life."

"Ryan is different."

"How?" Simon's brow furrowed. "Because from where I'm standing, it's looking like Todd all over again, and it scares me to think you're going to get swallowed up in all that again. You're hurt and breaking apart in front of our eyes, and I'm afraid your pieces might be too shattered to fix this time."

Stomach in knots, Logan winced. "Please don't. I'm already in a lousy mood."

Ignoring him as he usually did, Simon continued. "Why? Because you know it's true? Someone has to help you get out of that head of yours."

"And you're today's volunteer." Logan's smile was wry. "Come on, Si. Leave it alone. I've spent the past two weeks beating myself up. I don't need you to use me as a punching bag."

Surprising Logan, Simon came around his desk and took him by the shoulders. "And that's the problem. Again. You thinking somehow this is your fault. Why're you so involved in his life? The Logan I know doesn't dive into the deep end of the pool, especially for a man he barely knows."

Logan couldn't say a word because everything Simon said was the truth. And his friend knew it and pressed on. "Or am I wrong? Do you care for Ryan?"

"Of course I care for him. He's sick and he needs help."

"Dumbass. That's not what I mean, and you know it." Simon's gaze was intent yet gentle. "Are you in love with him? Is that the reason you're turning your world upside down?"

As close as Logan was to Oliver and Simon, he kept his personal life private. He'd had his share of one-night stands because he had no patience for anyone else's problems or desire to share his, a requirement for a relationship. At least that was what he witnessed with Oliver and his wife.

But Ryan's story forced him to revisit a part of himself he'd buried so long ago, he'd almost forgotten it existed, and coupled with their undeniable chemistry, he'd let his guard down and become vulnerable. Predictably, in the end, he got kicked in the balls.

"I wanted him to get his life together, so I tried to help him."

A disgusted sound passed Simon's lips. "You're too nice."

Logan burst into laughter. "You're probably the first person who's ever said that about me. Usually people are too busy calling me a son of a bitch."

But Simon didn't join in the fun. "You are an SOB. In business. In your personal life…I hate to say it, but you're a damn mess."

Easing back in his chair, Logan quirked a brow. "Is that so?"

Simon leaned forward. "Yeah. And I'm not afraid to tell you so. Were you two fucking?"

"Damn, you're crude."

"I'm giving you a taste of that blunt Logan Silver charm you've graced me with for years." Simon paused and pointed a finger at him. "I know you paid for everything, all his expenses, and made sure he stayed away from the wrong influences. You locked the two of you away from the rest of the world. Ollie and I have barely seen you outside of the office."

Logan frowned. "Why can't anyone see I was doing it for his own good?"

"What about your good? Since when are you such a patsy?"

His face flamed. "I'm not."

"Are you forgetting? I know you too well. What did he give you? What was so special about him? The sex?"

"It wasn't like that between us. We weren't sleeping together."

Simon's shocked face would've been funny if it wasn't Logan's life they were talking about.

"What did you say?"

"I'm not repeating myself."

Simon stared at him as if he'd sprouted an extra head on his shoulders. "You…I can't believe you were such a sucker."

"I'm not. I was helping him. I know I was." God, how pathetic and weak did that sound?

"Are you sure it's not more like he helped himself to your generosity?" Simon shot back. "Because I bet, I just bet , he's fucked you over and you're too ashamed to tell us."

"Don't be an idiot." Early in life, he'd learned to master a poker face, but once again, Simon knew him too well.

"Oh, I'm not the idiot. How much did he take?" Simon blanched. "You didn't give him access to your bank accounts, did you? Tell me you didn't."

"No, of course not," he snapped. "But…okay, yeah, he took the cash I kept around the house." He lowered his gaze. "And my watch."

Simon slammed the chair aside. "Your father's watch? The one he got for his anniversary? Goddammit. Logan, I swear…"

"Stop. I know. I refuse to believe he'd sell it. You don't know Ryan. You don't understand where he came from and how hard it's been for him."

"Seriously? You're going to play the pity game?"

It was his turn to get angry. "Si, you come from a world very few people understand. There wasn't a thing ever denied to you. If you saw it and wanted it, you got it."

"We're not talking about me. And that's no excuse for the way he's behaving. You didn't have much growing up, and you turned out halfway decent." A grin broke over his face, and Logan's heart swelled with the love of a friendship they'd stretched to the limits but would never allow to break.

"Ryan didn't even have that. At eighteen he was living on the streets because his family threw him out when he told them he was gay. I can't imagine what that must've been like, can you?"

"No. Of course not. You've never talked about his past."

"I don't really know much. Ryan grew up in a small town in the Midwest—he wouldn't even tell me the name or go into details, so I have no idea the extent of what he's lived through, but I admire him. He worked, went to college, became a lawyer. I know he had it rough."

"You can admire him all you want. He's the ex of Remi Angel's husband, right?" When Logan nodded, Simon went on. "Yeah, I thought so. The one who had a big settlement from an insurance payout, I recall you saying? So he won't tell you where he grew up, he married someone for money, and now he's stolen from you. Maybe he's always been a con man, and you're too blinded by lust to see that."

"Lust has nothing to do with it," Logan growled, hoping his tone would serve as a warning to Simon to stop prying.

"Yeah, sure. I heard what you said, and I'm not buying it. Come on. It's me. You can admit you had a thing for him. I'm not going to tell anyone that the great Logan Silver had a crush on someone. I mean, I'm straight, and even I recognize Ryan's gorgeous. I get the allure."

"There's more to life than sex, you know," Logan grumbled.

"Okay. Who are you, and what have you done with my best friend?"

"Don't you have any clients?" he asked, irritated, and wanting desperately to change the subject.

"Yeah, but I'm more interested in figuring out what the hell happened to the man who used to go through lovers like I eat M&M's."

"Better watch your sugar. You're not as young as you used to be." When Simon opened his mouth, Logan put a hand up. "Please. Stop. I'm serious now. I'm really not in the mood to talk, and I have a thousand emails to get through."

To his great surprise and immense relief, Simon acceded to his request, gave him a hug, then left him alone. Logan closed the door behind him and sat behind his desk, Simon's words playing round and round in his head.

Blinded by lust.

If Simon only knew…Logan sighed. Ryan had lived with him for five months, and they'd never had sex. They'd circled around each other, Logan finally understanding what it was like to want something and not be able to have it. An occasional kiss was all Ryan had allowed, and though Logan wanted more, he'd always retreated when Ryan stepped away.

"I can't. I'm not ready yet. I'm sorry."

Ryan explained that it was part of his recovery process, that until he felt fully healed and healthy, sex would have to wait.

So Logan had waited. He'd learned to be satisfied without having a physical relationship because he wanted Ryan to become whole again. There were days, too few in number, where Ryan would laugh, his face bright as if his demons had vanished in the wind. Those were the times Logan had been filled with hope.

"I just want you to be happy, Ryan."

Ryan hung his head. "I don't know where I'd be without you. I just hope…I hope you won't get tired of me and my problems. I hate being a burden." He bit his lip.

Logan brushed his lips over Ryan's cheek. "You don't have to worry. I'm not going anywhere."

Instead, it was Ryan who'd walked away without a trace, leaving Logan to pick up the pieces of the life he'd left behind. It wasn't the first time he'd been abandoned, and it was another harsh good-bye. It hurt, more than he cared to admit to Simon and Oliver. Maybe because as he'd grown older, he'd also grown warier of giving away pieces of a heart that had already been broken and bandaged, leaving it weaker but no less able to love.

"Forget about it. You have a business to run."

For the rest of the afternoon, Logan immersed himself in files and paper work. He'd learned long ago to compartmentalize his emotions, and by the end of the day, he had cleared his massive to-do list but walked out with a pounding headache.

"Want to have some dinner?" Simon bounded over, and Logan winced at all that enthusiasm channeled his way.

"No, thanks."

"Come on. What're you going to do, slink around the streets, looking for him? How long is this going to go on?"

"As long as I want," he snapped and stormed out, not saying good-bye to Denise, his receptionist. Unfortunately, his dramatic departure was foiled by the fact that he had to wait in toe-tapping frustration for the elevator, which gave Simon a chance to corner him again.

"Logan, I'm sorry," Simon apologized, and the angry words died on Logan's tongue. "I hate seeing you so…not you. Please, let me help. I want to go with you tonight."

"I'm going home." The elevator opened and he entered, followed by Simon. "I have a massive headache, and I need a night to myself." His stare was pointed. "Myself means alone, Si."

They reached the lobby of their office building, and Logan walked out, on Madison and 53rd, into a warm July night. He searched the crowds with the futile hope of spotting Ryan. Never one to listen, Simon followed him as he walked down the street.

"That's what you say, but I know you better than that. You're going to pop some extra-strength aspirin and venture out to look for him again."

Logan's jaw flexed. Dammit . He loved Simon, but he hated being so predictable.

"Have you contacted his ex?"

That stopped him in his tracks. "Garrett? Why would I do that?"

"He bailed Ryan out once, right?" Simon shrugged. "Maybe he'd do it again." Simon stuck out his hand, and a cab rolled to the curb. "Get in. Let's go to your place and figure this shit out."

"I—"

"Do I need to say the magic words? Simon says, let's get in the cab and go home."

"You're lucky I like you." Logan slid into the back of the taxi.

"Nah." Simon patted his cheek. "You love me."