Chapter Twenty-Three

LOGAN

The closer the car drew to Prospect Park, the more nervous Logan grew. Silly, he knew, but exposing this part of himself to Ryan, a part he'd never allowed anyone to see, not even his closest friends, raised his anxiety to a fever pitch. In business he sequestered his emotions, focusing on the cold facts of his cases, but here, memories crowded out any rationality, rendering him unexpectedly, incredibly needy to hang on to Ryan for support.

Hand in hand, they walked into the park, along the trails he used to run with Todd. The well-worn path in the grass he remembered still remained. He tugged Ryan's fingers.

"This way."

Ryan remained silent, for which he was grateful, and together they passed children playing until they reached the familiar clearing. He stopped by the small jumble of rocks and sat on them instead of the grass. Ryan remained standing, and after a minute or so, Logan felt capable of speaking.

"This is the spot Todd and I would come to when my mother would take us to the park every weekend." At his hesitant words, Ryan joined him, and it was natural to wrap an arm around his shoulders. "I come here when I need to take a break from everything. And take a breath." Ryan settled in closer, and the tightness in Logan's chest loosened for the first time in years.

"I can see why. It's very peaceful." Ryan's lips were soft against his cheek. "When I was upstate, detoxing, I'd leave the cabin and disappear into the woods, finding a spot much like this." His mouth pulled down in a frown. "Thinking of disappearing. That my life didn't matter."

Logan pulled him tight. "Don't say that." His voice shook. "Don't ever think that. You do."

"I know that now, but then? My mind was in a bad place, and all I knew was to remove myself from the people I was hurting. I figured they'd be better off without me."

"I hope you know that's not the case."

"In some respects."

Not liking where the conversation was heading, Logan cupped Ryan's cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. "In my case, I'm better off with you ." His lips touched Ryan's briefly. "Much better off."

Ryan's face softened. "Did you ever think that maybe Todd felt the same way I did? That he was only being a burden and that's why he left?"

He ducked his head. "No way. He knew how much we loved him. I—"

"Logan," Ryan interrupted him with a quiet voice that stopped him cold. "Todd's problems had nothing to do with you." A quicksilver smile came and went. "As hard as it might be to understand, not everything revolves around you. Todd's problems were his to work out, and at that point, he wasn't ready to accept help. I understand where he was coming from."

"Because you felt the same way when you left?"

"Yeah. It's a hopelessness you can't fathom unless you've reached rock bottom. Plus the guilt of knowing I lied to you, along with losing my career."

"And now?"

"Now I'm just glad to be alive."

The simplicity of Ryan's statement was devastating, and Logan's breath caught. Looking at a now-healthy Ryan, skin fresh and clear, blue eyes bright, golden hair gleaming in the sun, it was so easy to forget the hollow, beaten man he'd been months earlier.

"I'm glad you are too."

An overwhelming desire to kiss Ryan welled up inside Logan, and he acted on it, feeling Ryan's lips soften against his. Gentle and sweet, as opposed to the hungry intensity their kisses usually brought. They clung to one another, and Logan rested his cheek to Ryan's. "Look up."

Ryan squinted at the bright sky. "Okay?"

"What do you see?"

Ryan's brow furrowed. "The sky," he answered slowly. "And some clouds."

Logan tilted his face to the warmth of the sun. "When Todd and I were young, we'd come here and lie in the grass, making up stories about them."

Ryan's gaze grew distant. "I'd do that as a kid. I'd pretend the clouds were animals, trees, or faces. And when I was older, I wished I were a bird and could fly far away."

"Because you were gay?" Ryan rarely spoke of his family or growing up in a small town, and Logan was anxious to discover as much as he could.

Ryan nodded. "It was awful. Early on, I was attracted to men, and at the same time, I knew I'd have to keep it a secret. At school, if you weren't good at sports, or if you liked theater or were simply too quiet, you were called queer boy, or worse. I made the track team and managed to keep out of their line of fire, but some kids weren't so lucky. Bullying went on all the time, especially in the locker rooms after gym class or walking home from school."

Of course Logan had heard stories, but they'd remained that—stories he was told in college or read about or watched on the news, but never personally experienced. Ashamed, he had to admit that even after all the evidence he'd seen, he still found it hard to believe things like that happened. "You had no one to talk to?"

"About kids getting beaten up 'cause they might be gay?" Ryan snorted, rolling his eyes in disbelief. "No one would dare say anything at home about it because the last thing you wanted was for your parents to ask why you cared, if you were friends with those kids. And I had to worry about my father. His favorite saying was ‘Man's gotta be a real man.' We went to church every Sunday and were indoctrinated with some truly awful preaching. Gays, Black people, Jews, immigrants…everyone was blamed for the problems of the world."

"I'm beginning to understand why you left and never wanted to talk about it." Logan rubbed Ryan's back. "You know you're safe here, I hope."

A skeptical expression settled over Ryan's face. "Am I? I'm not so sure we're really safe anywhere."

About to dispute what Ryan said, Logan hesitated. He'd walked through life with impunity, never paying much attention to those who didn't feel so free. Did he have a right to counter argue? "I'm ashamed to say I've never believed I'd have to worry. Like I said, my family accepted me, and I have my small circle of friends. Frankly, I don't make my private life public." He grinned. "What I do in the bedroom is my business. And now yours."

Ryan cast his eyes downward. "I said something pretty awful to Garrett about Jewish people, which I deeply regret. I was in a bad way."

"You were high?"

A flush rose on Ryan's cheeks. "I was high all the time."

Logan admired his honesty and wasn't surprised, as he'd heard the same from both Remi and Garrett. "I'm glad you realize it's wrong and that you took the initiative to apologize to him directly. Garrett's an easygoing person, plus he's happy now. It's time you learned to forgive yourself."

"Not so easy, I'm thinking," Ryan answered, facing him with a wry smile. His voice gentled. "Have you thought of taking your own advice?"

"What're you talking about?" His jaw hardened.

"Logan. Come on," Ryan chided, and it was Logan's turn to get red. "You know what I'm talking about."

This peeling away of the scar tissue around his heart was as painful as a freshly inflicted wound. "Even after all these years, I still don't understand why. Why did Todd turn to drugs in the first place? You had no one to lean on—I can understand the utter hopelessness you must've felt. But Todd wasn't alone. He had our parents, friends…me…dammit, he had everyone in his corner. We could've helped him. I could've…" Tears threatened, and he hung his head to hide them.

But Ryan wouldn't let him and pushed his face into Logan's space. "No, Logan. You couldn't. You tried with me, and it didn't work. It never will, unless the person wants the help and is ready to be healed." Ryan squeezed his shoulder. "Todd wasn't. You need to come to grips with it."

Startled, Logan wiped at his eyes. "You're right. Maybe it's time to finally put the past to bed." He ran his knuckles over Ryan's jaw, feeling him quiver beneath his touch. "Speaking of bed…"

Ryan's blue eyes glowed. "Less talk and more action, Mr. Silver."

* * *

Logan took Ryan's thick shaft past his lips, the bitter precome filling his mouth. He swallowed, his heart pounding. Nothing had ever tasted as good as this man. The tension sitting like a hundred-pound weight on his shoulders melted away until it was simply him and Ryan. He swirled his tongue over the crown, mouthing the silky skin, tickling the slit. "Sweet, so damn sweet," he murmured before licking and sucking his way down the full length of Ryan's dick to bury his face in the wiry groin hair.

"I want to make you mine. Prove to you how much I want you." Their eyes locked as his fingers delved deep inside Ryan.

"Don't you know I already am? You don't have to prove yourself to me."

Logan covered Ryan's mouth with his, falling into a spiral of pleasure he never wanted to unwind from. He sucked Ryan's tongue, and Ryan's dick jerked, trapped between their sweating bodies.

"Fuck, Logan. Oh, my God." Ryan moaned and shook as Logan nuzzled his neck, moving over his chest to nip and tease his nipples. The smell of Ryan's desire rose around him, and Logan couldn't wait.

He rolled on a condom, slicked himself up, then breached Ryan's tight hole, the muscled walls clasping him. So tight. So hot. Logan pushed all the way in and began to thrust. Faster. Deeper. Ryan's eyes locked with his, and Logan was blinded by the blaze of desire. They sucked him into the fiery blue depths, and he surrendered willingly. Ryan squeezed him tighter. He was inside him, but it wasn't close enough. Blood to blood, marrow to marrow, Logan willed his body to become one with Ryan's.

"I want you. I've always wanted you."

"You have me. Now. Forever." Ryan clutched his shoulders.

Insatiable hunger broke through the last vestiges of his loneliness, and Logan knew for certain he could never live without Ryan anymore.

"You're mine." His hips snapped harder as he moved at a punishing pace. The bed creaked and groaned, but Logan didn't give a damn if it broke. Everything in his life narrowed to this point. This moment where he knew.

He was falling to pieces, and only Ryan could make him whole.

"Don't leave me," he managed to whisper.

His heart thundered at a painful pace. The absolute necessity to hold on to Ryan was raw. Powerful. The way Logan wanted to consume him was as necessary as breathing.

Ryan's fingers tangled in his damp hair. "Never."

Shattered by that one word, his climax tore through him, every nerve ending focused at the point where their bodies were joined. At the same time, Ryan came, his cock throbbing and pulsing out streams of come between them.

His face buried in Ryan's neck, Logan sought to regain his equilibrium, unable to move. Ryan remained motionless under him, and Logan greedily drew in his scent and mouthed his collarbone. Even now, drained and spent from their lovemaking, Logan couldn't get enough of him. Couldn't stop touching him.

"I meant what I said."

"Which is what?" Ryan's lips moved against his hair. "You said a lot of things."

Logan felt the smile in his words, and his heart sang with a freedom he hadn't known in years. "You're mine. For good. Forever, if you want. I…I love you."

Ryan stiffened. "What?"

"I'm in awe of your strength, of your courage to start over, more than once. You've helped me learn to appreciate my life again. If you're not with me, I count the time until you are. I can't stop thinking about you, and I don't want to be without you anymore."

Ryan didn't respond, and Logan rolled off him and stared at the ceiling. Maybe he'd come on too strong, too fast, and Ryan was having second thoughts. Ryan shifted closer and threw an arm across his chest and a hairy leg over his own .

"You have no idea what you mean to me. The person who believed in me even though I didn't believe in myself. I think I fell in love with you because I never believed I could love myself, but I love the person I am when I'm with you. The man who made me feel like I could do anything because I was worth something."

Logan cupped his cheek. "You are. To me, you're worth everything."