Chapter Eighteen

RYAN

"So you're telling him tonight?"

Ryan was FaceTiming with Logan at the clinic. "Yeah." The prospect of hurting Emerson wasn't something he looked forward to, yet he couldn't put his life on hold much longer. "Why do I feel like a shit?"

"Because you're a nice guy. If it were me, I would've been out of there the night after we decided."

"Meaning you're not as nice as me?" Ryan teased.

"It means I want what I want." Logan's husky, possessive growl sent a thrill through Ryan. "And that's you, here with me. It's time, Ryan."

"I want that too." He was stronger, and Logan was less hovering and watchful. Time to stop denying the growing awareness between him and Logan. It wasn't going to be the same as last time. There'd never been a lack of physical desire between them, but his drug use had set up a barrier he'd refused to allow Logan to breach. Now, with his mind and body clear, he could see a future.

It had taken two weeks of discussions with Logan about boundaries and expectations, but in the end, Ryan decided to do what was best for him, though he knew he'd meet with some resistance. But when he and Emerson sat together after dinner that evening, Emerson surprised him with the vehemence of his disapproval.

"I can't believe you're doing this."

"Emerson, I'm telling you, it's not what you think."

Ryan had already packed up his meager belongings to move to Logan's, but explaining his decision to Emerson was proving harder than he thought.

"What am I thinking?" Uncharacteristically fired up, Emerson glared at him. "Come on , Ryan. What's it been—three or four months, and poof , you're back together and living with him? I thought you were smart. He's going to say and do whatever he can to get you."

Growing annoyed with Emerson acting as though he were a brainless fool and treating him like a child, Ryan reined in his temper and took a deep breath before replying.

"You know Logan and I have spent a lot of time together these past months. I know him much better than I did when I first accepted his offer to move in. That was a foolish decision. This one isn't. I'm going to be the adult here and not go off on you, so I can explain why you're wrong. One. We aren't ‘back together' as you think because we never were together the last time I stayed with him. Two. Not that I have to tell you this, but I'm staying in his second bedroom, not sleeping with him." Exasperated from explaining himself, he held up his fingers. "And three, what the hell do you mean, get me ? No one can get me. And Logan isn't who you think he is."

"So he's not the arrogant, obnoxious, rich lawyer who has an answer for everything and can twist your words until you don't know what you're saying?"

Despite the reality of Emerson's frustration, Ryan's lips twitched at his pretty accurate description of Logan's character. "Well, yeah. He can be arrogant and obnoxious. And part of a lawyer's trade is to fit the narrative to what they want the public to see and hear. But that's not how it is between us. Logan is more than a smirk and a fancy suit." He hitched his seat closer. "Emerson, please. I can't get into the specifics, but Logan and I have had long, long talks. We've opened up to each other like never before, and I understand what he did and why."

"Which is what?"

Ryan's stare was pointed. "Not your business is what. I'm not revealing Logan's confidences to you or anyone. We're learning to put our trust in each other. It wouldn't be right."

Unconvinced, Emerson continued to press him. "But still…don't you think you should wait and see? Give it a few more months? I'm fine with you staying with me." His lips trembled and his eyes grew shiny.

There was something else going on besides Emerson's true concern for his welfare. "Hey, Emerson?" It all became clear to him, and his heart broke. "Are you worried I'm going to forget about our friendship? I hope you know that's not going to happen."

Emerson lifted a shoulder. "I-I dunno."

But Ryan did. Emerson hadn't been kidding when he said he didn't have many friends or a social life in general. And Ryan felt badly for him and wanted Emerson to regain his life, like Ryan was taking charge of his.

"It's not going to happen. Just because I won't be living here anymore doesn't mean we won't see each other. We'll still hang out."

Emerson's trembling lips pulled down. "I-I like having you here. You're my friend." He hung his head. "My best friend."

It had never occurred to Ryan that Emerson might've needed him as much as he needed Emerson. "You're my friend too. That's not going to change. We're always going to be friends. And I know it might be fast for you, but I need to see where this thing with Logan leads."

"I just don't want you to fall in love with him and get hurt."

Ryan's smile was gentle. "That's something no one can guarantee. But if we never try, can we really say we're living?"

* * *

Ryan's day passed by fast and furious, which unfortunately meant a steady stream of people with problems. He marveled at how the doctors managed to see everyone and never lose their pleasant demeanor. At five thirty, when he shut down his computer for the evening, Noah paused by his desk on his way into the call center.

"Ryan, I've been so busy, I haven't had a chance to stop and chat."

"Hi, Noah. Yeah, it's been nonstop."

"Things going well? Or do I need to ask?" Noah set his coffee cup on the counter. "I see a completely different person than the one I first met."

"I feel like a new man," Ryan agreed. "I haven't been sober and drug-free for this long since I first started using in my teens. It's still startling to me to wake up with a clear head and an appetite for food and life. It's taking some getting used to for sure, but I love it."

Noah's eyes shone with true happiness. "I'm thrilled to hear you say that. You're still seeing Tash?"

"Yes. I told him once a week would be fine, but he's sat with me whenever we both have a spare moment. He's been so patient and giving of his time. I didn't think I'd have anything to talk to him about, but once I started, I can't stop." Ryan glanced at his phone, sitting on the desk. "Matter of fact, I have a session with him in about fifteen minutes. I'm glad I listened to everyone and didn't let my insecurity and negativity talk me out of therapy with him." Aware that Noah had also offered him help, his face heated. "I-I hope you're not insulted that I ended up with him helping me and not you. It's not that I don't think you're great too, but—"

"Ryan." Laughing, Noah interrupted him. "I'm not upset you're Tash's patient. We're not in competition, and I'm thrilled you're getting help. Tash is a wonderful doctor."

"As are you, Noah." Tash appeared in the doorway leading to the rear of the clinic. "I finished my session early, Ryan, so if you're ready, we can talk now."

His answer had to wait as the door opened and Logan breezed inside. Those sparkling eyes hooked on his, and Ryan's breath caught as his heart pounded in a double-time drumbeat. Logan's commanding presence narrowed the room to the two of them. As always, Ryan felt that instantaneous tug, the connection that had sparked the first time he'd seen Logan and only burned hotter and brighter the more time they spent together.

"What're you doing here?" Ryan asked, and a wickedly charming grin crept over Logan's face.

"Hello to you, too. I had a meeting downtown with a client and decided to knock off early. I figured we could have dinner before heading home."

Tash's brows flew up in obvious surprise, and Ryan's stomach clenched. He'd planned to tell Tash that evening about his new living arrangements, but now he'd be on the defensive explaining his choice. "I, uh, have a session with Tash now."

"No problem." Unperturbed, Logan strolled into the reception area and plunked himself into a chair. "I can wait." He glanced around and acknowledged Tash and Noah. "Nice to see you both again."

"Hi, Logan." Noah's alert gaze traveled from him to Ryan. "Good to see you too. How've you been?" Noah took a seat next to him.

"Same, Logan," Tash said and waved to Ryan. "Ready?"

Ryan left Noah and Logan chatting and followed Tash to his office, where he sat in the comfortable club chair. Tash picked up his tablet and met his eyes.

"So…home with Logan? I guess things have changed? Pretty rapidly, I'm thinking, since last I heard, you were concerned about repaying the loan and the two of you were barely speaking."

Ryan shifted. "Yeah…well, uh…we've been seeing each other. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Do you know why you didn't?"

Tash always made him face the truth.

"Because I didn't think you'd approve."

Tash set his pad on the desk. "My job isn't to tell you how to live your life. Just to make you aware of your choices. I'm here to listen and offer advice, never judgment."

Ryan believed him. In all their talks, Tash never rebuked him for bad decisions he'd made, instead letting him see that he could move past them.

"We're different now—when we're together, I mean. And we've talked. Really talked. Finally. He told me things…I won't reveal them since it's his personal story, but his overbearing behavior makes sense now."

"I see." Tash took notes. "And you believe him."

Ryan narrowed his eyes. "He's not just saying it for me to pity him or to get me to sleep with him." Tash gazed at him steadily, and Ryan flushed. "I haven't…slept with him, I mean. That's not what this is about. I was an attorney. I can tell when someone's bullshitting me or trying to gain my sympathy. We've learned more about each other. I care about him. And I know he cares for me, aside from keeping me sober." Frustrated, Ryan scrubbed his face. "Look, I know it's complicated and messy. I'm not sure I understand it myself."

"Relationships often are." An enigmatic smile lightened Tash's serious expression. "I know from personal experience."

Having met Tash's younger husband, Brandon, Ryan imagined they might've received some opinions on their relationship that weren't welcome or positive. Maybe that was why he'd gravitated toward Tash. He understood the internal tug-of-war going on inside Ryan. Yet still, he'd held back the worst of his past from Tash, choosing to open his heart to Logan.

"And it's not one-sided. I revealed things to Logan I've never told anyone." He bit his lip. "Even you."

"Don't be afraid to say that. You're not going to make me angry or hurt my feelings." Tash's gentleness soothed Ryan's jittery nerves. "You're at the beginning of your journey, and it's natural to confide in different people. My concern is for you and your physical and mental well-being." He made a few more notes. "So. You and Logan talked about when you left him and why?"

Ryan stared at his clasped hands. "Yeah. I was surprised he opened up to me, but like I said, it helped me understand his mindset." His eyes flicked to Tash. "He says he wants to try and start over, work on a relationship between us. Friendship first, and then we can see where it takes us."

"Do you believe him?"

Recalling Logan's tears and devastation, Ryan had zero doubt Logan's story was a terrible truth.

"Yeah. Definitely."

Tash continued to probe. "And more importantly, is this something you want? Do you want a relationship with Logan?" At Ryan's hesitation, Tash said, "I'm not trying to dissuade you. I just want to make sure you're not being pressured into a situation because you feel like you have no alternatives. You have to know you've fit in seamlessly here and are an integral part of the clinic now. You're creating a new life, and you've done it on your own. You should feel very proud."

He didn't, but it was nice to hear Tash say that. "I'm glad, because I do like working here. I feel like I have a purpose. Maybe not as important as treating the people who come here, but helping them initially if they're nervous or a little afraid. I also went to the after-school center and got the same warm, accepting feeling there."

Tash brightened at that. "It's a wonderful place. And it has a special meaning for Brandon—he reunited with his brothers there."

"It sounds like theirs is an incredible story, but as for Logan, I don't want you to think he's pressuring me. From the first, we were attracted to each other. I know it sounds bizarre, but we have this strange connection." Revealing his sex life to a stranger, even his therapist, wasn't comfortable, but he knew it was part of the healing process. "A few years ago, when I was newly divorced, I was very drunk and high one night. Logan and I hooked up in a club, and it was the most intense experience of my life."

"Are you saying this arrangement is based on sex?" Behind his glasses, a troubled expression clouded Tash's eyes.

"No," Ryan answered with a vehement shake of his head. "There's much more between us than physical attraction. And I already said we aren't lovers."

"I didn't mean to make assumptions," Tash apologized, and took a moment before continuing. "I'm concerned for you. From what I've seen, Logan is very charming, but I don't want you to be manipulated."

"I'm not, I promise," Ryan reassured him. "But as I said, it's a complicated situation. Logan and I might've lived together once, but we never had sex during that time." At Tash's obvious surprise, a quick smile curved Ryan's lips. "I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. Aside from that one hookup in the club years ago, we've kissed, but nothing more."

Tash took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Okay. I guess saying I'm shocked is a relatively mild way of putting it."

"I know. No one can imagine two people who are attracted to each other and living together not having a sexual relationship. But it's true, and it's one of the reasons I know Logan cares. He's never pushed me to change my mind, and I don't see him doing it now." As always when he thought about Logan, a combination of desire and wonder played tug-of-war in his mind. "We've come a long way from where we started. It's not only the physical attraction between us that's growing all the time. We care about each other."

Tash steepled his fingers in front of his face. "Are you in love with him?"

Ryan's answer was immediate. "I don't know him well enough. I barely know myself enough yet to understand what love means."

"What a marvelously insightful answer." Tash studied him for a moment. "There's no right or wrong answer, but you've stated your truth. I'm seeing real progress here, Ryan. Your whole attitude has changed from our first appointment. You're less defensive and angry and more at ease. You're showing confidence in yourself and your future and making healthy choices."

"You know I wasn't a fan of therapy," Ryan acknowledged. "But I can admit I was wrong. You've helped me see that I can get clean and stay clean, and move past the disgrace of losing my career. I can have a real relationship if I tell the truth—to myself first."

"You are the most important person in your life," Tash agreed. "And once you accept that, it becomes easier to move forward. I think we can call this session a success. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week."

Ryan left the office, expecting Logan to be impatient and pacing the reception area. Instead, he was surprised to find him in a serious-looking conversation with Noah. Observing Logan in profile, the usually hard jaw was relaxed, firm lips trembling, and there was nothing of the suave, sophisticated, hard-as-nails dominant man Ryan knew—or thought he did. Logan's famous guard was lowered, his emotions laid bare leaving him vulnerable and fully exposed. Ryan watched as he lifted a shaky hand to brush his hair off his face.

Noah spied him, and his expression was troubled. "Ryan, hi. You're finished with your session?"

"Yep."

Logan pinched his fingers to his eyes before turning a false, bright smile to Ryan. "Ready to go?"

At his nod, Logan shook Noah's hand, and Ryan took his coat from the rack by the front door. Logan had his phone out to get a car.

"Where do you want to go for dinner?" Ryan asked.

"How about we go home and order in? Just the two of us. Nice and cozy."

Logan's teasing didn't fool him. The strain on his face was evident, and Ryan wondered about his conversation with Noah but decided he wasn't going to push. It wouldn't matter even if he did. One thing he'd learned—if Logan Silver didn't want to talk about something, he wouldn't until he was damn well ready.