Chapter Thirteen

LOGAN

"I don't understand. Why do you need redemption? For what?" Ryan's brows shot upward. "Did you…were you addicted?"

It didn't matter that over a quarter of a century had passed. The vision of Todd lying in the hospital bed remained vivid and fresh. Like the first cut of a knife to smooth, unblemished skin.

"No. Never. But someone I knew was. And it ruined his life." He pinched his eyes shut. "And mine."

A hand gripped his arm. "I'm sorry. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Because…it doesn't change anything," Logan said, low and quiet, the words so painful, each like a hot blade thrust into his heart.

"Logan," Ryan breathed, and to Logan's horror, a tear slid down his cheek. Followed by another. Frantic at losing control, he pulled away.

"I'm fine," he bit out, brusque and rough, but he needed that wall of ice.

"Bullshit. Why are you lying?" Ryan still held his arm, and Logan liked it. It had been so long since he'd felt the touch of another, so he sat still and let the warmth of Ryan's hand soak into his skin. Melting the cold surrounding him.

"I'm not. He's gone. It doesn't matter anymore."

"You're wrong."

"Simon told me I'm never wrong."

Apparently, Ryan wasn't in the mood for his joke, because he pushed back. "You are, because everyone matters, whether they're still here or not. At some point they touched your life and made it better."

Despite himself, Logan's lips twitched. "That's very New Age of you. Can I assume that means the therapy is already working? And speaking of, what made you decide to get help? You were so adamant about not talking to anyone, yet now you're spouting their wisdom like it's the gospel."

Ryan shrugged. "I guess because they made me see I didn't have to talk about the past, but could concentrate on creating a future instead. Working at the center has given me a new perspective. I know how lucky I am to have people who really care. Plus, when I stop concentrating on myself all the damn time, I feel better helping people who actually need it."

"You needed it too. Don't deny it."

Ryan's attitude had changed in the time spent away from him. This Ryan had hope in his eyes and renewed confidence, minus the ugly arrogance of the perpetually high Ryan in his heyday of addiction.

"I want to know what's going to happen to me tomorrow and the next day, rather than forget about today and yesterday by getting high." Ryan's gaze was steady. "I'm doing it for me. Not for Jordan, Emerson, or you. I'm the one in control of where I take my next step."

During the time Ryan had lived with him, he'd walked with a shadow on his shoulders. Defeated. Living but not alive. Logan hadn't realized it until now, seeing the light spark in Ryan's eyes. His gorgeous face beamed forth brightness, and Logan recognized it now as a fierce will to live.

"I think you're finally on the right track."

Moving closer, Ryan gripped his arm tighter. "I'm sorry, Logan. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel like I didn't care. I did." He hesitated. "I do."

Logan's heart hammered. "Present tense?" What the hell was wrong with him? Here he was, old enough to know better, with plenty of lovers under his belt, yet those two words from Ryan left him feeling like a teenager with his stomach doing dips and twirls.

"Present tense, yeah."

"When you vanished, I grew angry and bitter because I felt used. But more than that…I hated the thought of losing you. Never seeing you again. I lived through that once already." He hung his head. "All I knew was that yet again, I failed to protect someone."

"I don't need protection, Logan. I need the truth. I don't mind someone telling me I've fucked up. In fact, I want you to tell me."

Logan carded his fingers through Ryan's hair, the hitch of his breath audible in the stillness of the room. "You fucked up." Ryan's mouth was so close, his lips soft and tender-looking. Logan's tingled with anticipation, and desire pooled deep in his belly.

"I know. I've never denied it. I'm trying to wade through the mess of my personal and professional life."

"Are you lumping me in with everyone else?" Logan murmured. "Calling me a mess? I think I resent that."

Ryan's eyes danced, his lips curved, and Logan imagined the taste of his smile. "I don't think that's possible. There's no one like you."

"Flattery might get you everywhere."

Serious again, Ryan bit his lip. "I didn't come here to seduce you."

"Is that what this is?" Logan asked. "Seduction? It's been so long, I'm out of practice." He released Ryan and put some distance between them. Up close, Ryan was way too tempting, and being celibate for so long, Logan struggled not to push Ryan on his back and kiss him. Visions of their clothes flying in the air and hot, naked bodies made him quiver. "What did you come here for, exactly?"

Face flushed, Ryan pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't know. I hated being at odds with you and having you think I didn't care about you."

"And do you? Care about me?"

"I lived with you for almost six months, Logan. You took me in, treated me with kindness, and expected nothing in return."

Logan chuckled. "Damn. Who knew I was such a saint?"

Ryan laughed loud and long, and Logan liked hearing that sound. There hadn't been much joy in his life for years.

"Would you like…are you hungry? I haven't ordered dinner yet." Why the hell was he nervous? He and Ryan had eaten countless dinners together.

Maybe so, but then we'd been strangers, sitting across from each other, each too busy hiding, never seeing who the other truly was.

Ryan studied him for a moment. "I would, but will you let me make it?"

"You can cook?" He'd had no idea, but tonight was full of surprises for them both.

"I can. Nothing fancy or restaurant quality, but I make a mean pasta Bolognese or burgers or steaks."

Logan jumped to his feet and swept a hand in front of him. "Step into my kitchen, then. Occasionally I buy food and put it in the refrigerator, only to throw it out a week later." He grinned. "Today is day two, so you're in time."

An hour later, he sat across from Ryan, a sizzling steak on his plate, crispy onions piled high. Between them Ryan placed a salad bowl filled with chunks of artichoke hearts and bright-red cherry tomatoes peeking through fresh green leaves.

Logan sniffed with appreciation. "I'm sorry, but can you tell me why I never knew you could cook like this?" He cut into his steak, the sharp knife slipping like butter through the perfectly pink meat. Logan moaned with pleasure as he chewed. "I could've saved so much money." He licked his lips. "You've officially ruined me for Keens, Cote, and Hawksmoor."

"I wasn't in the right headspace." Ryan helped himself to salad. "It's just something I dabble in. I enjoy it."

"And lucky me, I'm the beneficiary." Logan polished off his entire meal and brought his plate to the dishwasher. "Thank you. This was unexpected and delicious." Ryan stood behind him, holding his plate. Logan plucked it out of his hand and set it on the counter, then slid his fingers through Ryan's hair. "Like this." He settled his mouth over Ryan's, intending the kiss to be brief, but at the touch of Ryan's lips, Logan pulled him close. Their tongues met, and Logan was lost in a blaze of heat. In the distance he heard a plate clatter to the floor but paid no attention to the sound. All that mattered were the hungry, desperate noises coming from Ryan. The clutch of his hands in Logan's shirt. The thrust of a hard dick against his.

Then he was gone, the two of them standing apart, chests heaving, gasping for air. Eyes wide, Ryan took another step away.

"Wait, stop. I-I didn't come to sleep with you."

A bit hurt, Logan gathered his scattered wits. "I don't recall asking you. That was a thank-you kiss." He picked up the dish, which luckily hadn't shattered, and placed it in the dishwasher. "You'll know when, or if, the other happens."

Logan half expected Ryan to walk away, but he stood firm. "I'm not sorry I kissed you. I just don't want to fall into anything too quickly, especially now, when I'm getting my life together. That has to be my main concern."

Funny enough, Logan understood. He recalled the counselor his parents had talked to when Todd was hospitalized telling them, "Don't pressure him about finishing school, getting a job, or anything else. His recovery must be his priority."

"I agree. I want you to get better, Ryan. There's no time limit on how long it takes. Let me call you a car, and I'll walk you out."

In the elevator on the way down, Ryan seemed unusually nervous. Before they passed through the front door, Ryan pulled him aside. "I don't expect you to sit around and wait for me to get it together. I understand."

A car pulled up, and Ryan hesitated a moment, then kissed him on the cheek and ran out. Logan remained standing with a hand to his face.

I'm glad one of us does.

* * *

The next morning, Logan sat at his desk, staring at his computer screen. He hadn't slept well, as his mind had kept spinning in a thousand directions after Ryan left. What did Ryan want? What did he want? Was he ready to let Ryan into his life again? Could he stand by and let him make mistakes—mistakes that had lost him his brother?

But Ryan was stronger than Todd. He asked for help and actively sought to put his life back on track. Todd had run from responsibility…family…life in general. For years, Logan had searched for Todd with no success. Once he'd left the hospital, it was as if the earth had swallowed him up. Like Ryan, Todd hadn't wanted to be found, and after twenty-eight years, Logan had reluctantly admitted defeat. Todd was gone. Unfortunately, discovering Ryan in dire straits, his first impulse had been to immediately protect him and effectively lock him down to prevent him from disappearing.

"You are such a dumbass," he muttered.

"I thought that was my line." With a smirk and a cup of coffee in hand, Simon strolled into his office.

"You again?" Logan scowled. "What're you doing here?"

"I work here." Simon stood behind the chair opposite him.

"Could've fooled me," Logan sniped. "I thought you merely came to annoy the crap out of me."

"I care about you. And I know what you're going through with Ryan—and that it's because of Todd."

His gaze jerked to Simon's grave face. "I've told you before I don't want to talk about it."

"And how's that working for you? I'll answer that: not so good." Simon leaned forward. "You need to let it out, Logan. If not to me or Oliver, then a therapist or someone else."

"What's the point?" he lashed out. "He's gone."

"Is he?" Simon frowned at him. "I think he's been living inside you like a beast, feeding on your soul."

"Please stop. I have work to do. I appreciate the concern, but it's not helpful."

"Only because you won't let it be." Simon stepped out of the path of his secretary, who marched up to him and folded her arms. "Maybe he'll listen to you."

Despite feeling worn out by the constant hammering at his brain, Logan held up his hands. "Have at it."

Her fierce expression softened. "Oh, Logan, I'm not going to browbeat you."

He managed a chuckle. "I must really look pathetic, then."

"No, honey. Just heartbroken. Simon is right. What happened with Todd has stolen all your joy. It's why you can't form lasting relationships. And there was nothing you could've done to save him. Trust me. You couldn't have solved Todd's problems. You were a child when it happened."

"He was my big brother. I loved him."

"Of course you did. And he knew it, which was why he tried to hide it from you." She wiped her eyes. "The problem was, he didn't love himself enough."

At this point, it became irrelevant if Denise saw his tears. Grief washed over him like a tidal wave. "He just left. And every night, all I think about is him alone. My parents never recovered. They tried for my sake to cover it up, but I could see the pain in their eyes even when they smiled. I know that's why my mother died of a heart attack. It was more like a broken heart."

"It changed you as well. All that suffering you took on your shoulders, the sorrow over his loss…there are times I don't recognize you anymore."

"I don't recognize myself," he admitted. He could, to Denise.

She circled his desk and took his big hand in her small one. "But somehow Ryan, for all he's put you through—which I still haven't forgiven him for, mind you—managed to be the one man who's touched you. Here." She put a hand over her heart. "And that gives me hope because it shows it's still alive and beating. Waiting for you. You want to be happy again, but most importantly, you deserve to be."

Logan didn't trust his voice and had to wait to respond. "I'm not sure I know how. Not anymore."

She squeezed his hand. "I do. And you have people willing to help. Maybe it's Ryan you needed to allow yourself to heal. His brokenness brought out the caring, compassionate man you've tried so hard to forget existed. But you can't, can you? You want to protect him and prevent him from becoming another Todd."

His phone buzzed. Denise reached across and answered. A client had arrived, and Logan wiped the wetness from his face.

"Give me a minute."

Denise replaced the receiver. "Don't worry. It's Jethro Sutton. He's here to review the contract offer from the Crowns. I'll talk to him about his kids."

"Thanks." He slanted her a quick glance. "I'm sorry—"

"Don't you dare," she cut him off, eyes flashing, hands on hips. "You needed this. Fact is, for years, I've been waiting for you to explode. This?" She waved a hand. "This was mild compared to what I expected."

The door closed behind her, but he continued to stare into space, while inside, the pain screamed into the void.