Chapter Ten

RYAN

Stunned and somewhat shaken, Ryan sat quiet, Logan's harsh words still echoing in the air.

Jordan bent over to whisper in his ear. "Are you okay?"

Ryan nodded, but truthfully, he wasn't. Not one damn bit. Seeing Logan had been more painful than he'd imagined.

Simon, who'd remained seated, stood and pinned him with frank eyes. "Maybe Logan didn't handle it right by overprotecting you, but he didn't deserve the way you treated him. Old habits are hard to break, and he had the best of intentions. Logan never meant to hurt you. Can you say the same?"

He walked out, and Ryan dropped his head into his hands. Jordan pushed his chair away, and Ryan felt the weight of his disapproving stare.

"Well, that didn't work out as planned. Do you know what Logan's friend meant when he mentioned old habits?"

"No. Not a clue." Ryan too wondered what Simon meant, but he'd left before he could find out.

"Did Logan ever have an addiction problem?"

"No. Impossible. He's way too strong."

"Do you think I'm weak?" Jordan asked, a smile lifting the corner of his lips.

"No, of course not. You're anything but."

"And yet I was an addict. You see the point I'm trying to make? Maybe he is the way he is because he knows firsthand how you're feeling."

Doubtful, Ryan shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."

"And that part about you stealing from him, the money and his father's watch"—Jordan's icy blue eyes fixed on him—"is that true?"

Shame coursed through him, his face heated, but recovery meant facing up to his truths, ugly as they might be. "Yeah. I-I was drunk and had to leave as soon as I could. I knew Logan had house money he kept in a drawer by his bed, so I grabbed it. I saw the watch, and I wasn't thinking, just knew it was gold and worth a lot, so I took it too. When I sobered up and realized what I'd done, I kept it safe. I wanted to return it, but…" He shook his head. "I'm disgusted with myself."

"You should give it back. If nothing else, it will give you closure, and Logan will have the thing that matters most to him."

"You're right." He brushed at his eyes. "I'm not a thief. I'd never steal from anyone here."

"I understand. When you're using, your entire personality changes and you do things you'd never imagine yourself capable of, just to chase that next high." Jordan gazed out into the distance, then blinked. "But that's not who you are."

"No, it's not. I haven't touched anything since I started living at Emerson's, and I don't want to. I'm happy working here, and I feel like even though my contribution is small, I'm part of something bigger that's helping other people."

"That's good. It's a first step. And I'm glad you feel that way. This may not be what you planned for your life, but you've certainly stepped in and stepped up, and you are a huge asset for us."

Strange how a simple compliment could mean so much. Ryan couldn't recall anyone at his old firm ever saying, "Good job." The glow of being appreciated settled warm in his chest.

"Thank you. I know I have a lot to learn, but I'm finally beginning to understand what it means to belong."

"You're part of the team. You'll always belong here." Jordan paused. "Have you given any thought to talking to someone? As someone who used to think therapy was for weak people and was bullshit, I'm being honest when I say it can help."

Weighing Jordan's words, Ryan sat motionless, but his mind was busy with a million thoughts, all of them centered around one man.

Logan.

He still desired him with the fire of a thousand suns, but Ryan knew his selfish actions had forfeited any chance of them ever exploring the desire that had simmered between them.

"Ryan? Are you okay?" Jordan's voice penetrated his foggy brain.

"What? Oh, yeah. Therapy. I don't know. Talking about how my parents didn't love me enough isn't really my thing."

Jordan's lip kicked up. "It's more than that. I didn't have parental problems—mine accepted me from day one and were thrilled when Luke and I were married. But what it can do is help you see why you keep making bad choices."

"But I'm not. I'm here, and that's a good choice, isn't it? I'm on the right track now."

"Are you?" Jordan murmured. "I wonder."

Feeling defensive, Ryan struck back. "What? What do you wonder?"

"How did it feel seeing Logan again?"

Caught off guard, Ryan didn't have enough time to clamp down on the heat rushing through him, and his face burned. "What? I'm fine. It wasn't a big deal."

Jordan arched a brow and checked his watch. "I have to leave. You can fool people, Ryan, but do you really want to fool yourself?"

"What does that mean?"

Jordan slipped off his lab coat and reached for his suit jacket. "Think about it. And also ask yourself why you still have Logan's watch. Good night."

Ryan sat in Jordan's office for a while after he'd gone. One thing he'd learned about Jordan was that he loved to speak in riddles, but the man was damn perceptive. Ryan knew what he needed to do.

* * *

Giorgio, the friendliest doorman, was on shift when he entered Logan's high-rise, and he gave Ryan a huge grin.

"Ryan. Where the heck you been?" They bumped fists. "You're looking good."

"Had to get away for a bit. Is he home?"

"Yeah, yeah. Go right on up."

It was easy to pretend happiness, but once he was in the elevator, the nerves took over and he began to sweat. And shake.

Am I making a mistake?

He closed his eyes and did some deep breathing. He didn't need to go into the apartment to return the watch. Everything could be done at the door. Standing in front of Logan's apartment, Ryan felt better that he was solving the last of his problems and he'd have a clean slate.

He rang the bell, the door opened, and a dressed-down Logan stood before him. As sexy as Logan looked in his perfectly fitted suits, seeing him in his gray sweats and a T-shirt set Ryan's heart thundering.

Meanwhile, Logan stood still, cool as ever. A smile that held little warmth slightly ticked up one corner of his sensuous mouth.

"Returning to the scene of the crime?"

The hot flush of humiliation flooded through him. "I-I wanted to give you back the watch. I didn't sell it. I don't even know why I took it. I was—"

"Not in the hallway, please. Come inside."

When he hesitated, Logan's false smile grew bigger. "Don't worry. After you ran away, I locked up all the valuables."

"Logan, come on," he pleaded.

Logan tipped his head. "I don't conduct my business in hallways. Enter or leave. The choice is yours." Logan waited.

Head held high, Ryan crossed the threshold. He stood in the white-marble foyer, unsure if he should go farther. Logan shut the door, locked it, and walked past him to the living room, where he poured a glass of Scotch. Ryan remained in the foyer.

"Do you plan on shouting your business from all the way over there? If not, come in."

Might as well, since he'd already broken the promise he'd made to himself to stay out of the apartment. He remained standing, though, watching Logan, who stood by the bar.

"To what do I owe this great honor?"

God, he hated that snide tone. He hadn't heard it in so long, he'd forgotten that Logan Silver was considered one of the shrewdest hardasses in the business and didn't get there by being sweet and nice.

"I know I don't deserve it, but can we at least try and be civil?"

"That's a joke coming from a man who stole from me and allowed me to think he was dead."

"I-I had my reasons."

"Which I'd like to hear." Logan finished his drink and set the tumbler on the bar. "You owe me at least that, don't you?"

Ryan hung his head, gathering his strength to talk. "I don't want you to think I didn't appreciate every single thing you did for me. If it wasn't for your encouragement to aim higher, I would've still been in that crappy apartment, working at scrubbing toilets."

"There's nothing wrong with that. It's a necessary job."

"I'm serious. I did appreciate it. But you just made it all so damn easy for me."

Logan stilled, his eyes intent and hard. "And what is the problem? I was helping you. Trying to encourage you. And you took advantage of me."

"I didn't mean it to be like that. But it all came crashing down on me when I got that letter from the disciplinary committee. My life was gone, and I had no way of ever getting it back. Everything hit me at once—my parents, Garrett, and now my livelihood. All gone for good. The house of cards collapsed, and like Humpty Dumpty, I knew I couldn't ever be put back together again. So I took the easy way out, which was to reach for something that would make me feel better."

"I didn't keep any liquor in the house. I respected you and your recovery." Logan poured another splash of Scotch and lifted the glass to his lips. Ryan knew that gesture was meant to show him that Logan had wiped his life clean of him.

Ryan tipped his head toward Logan. "I didn't ask you to do that. I don't want people changing their lives because of me and my problems. The world isn't covered with padding. No one's guaranteed a safe place to land. Anyway"—he pushed his fingers through his hair—"it's New York City. You can get anything you want delivered."

Logan nodded with understanding. "I know. I checked."

Face hot, Ryan continued. "I couldn't stand to be trapped here, waiting for you to come home to tell me everything would be all right. Because it wouldn't be. Ever. I'd lost the one thing I'd gotten on my own. An education. And I threw it all away for the sake of a fucking high." He reached into his pocket, pulled out the watch, and set it on the bar top. "Here's your father's watch. I-I always kept it with me. I knew you treasured it."

"Yet you took it. Knowing how much it meant to me." He picked it up and stroked it gently, then slipped it into his pocket. The coldness faded, replaced by fiery anger. "Did you really hate me? Was I hurting you that badly that you needed to steal the one thing in the world that meant anything to me?"

"No, of course not. I didn't hate you—I don't. I'm sorry," Ryan whispered. "I was so out of it, I didn't know what I was doing."

"Bullshit," Logan snapped, and pointing his finger, advanced on him. "You knew. You knew enough to go where I kept the money. You knew the watch was gold and you could make a quick sale for drugs."

"No, I swear. That's why I never sold it." Trembling, Ryan turned, ready to flee. "I didn't do it to hurt you."

Logan grabbed his arm, his angry face inches from Ryan's. "I tried to help you, and all you did was hurt me. You had people lie to me when I was afraid you were in trouble. I was all over the city looking for you, afraid of what you might do to make money for a score. I badgered the police, let down my partners in meetings, neglected my clients. You made me look like a fool."

Ryan's breath caught, trapped in the intensity of Logan's glittering eyes. "I don't think you're a fool."

The temperature between them rocketed to the boiling point, and Logan's expression turned dark. "I am. Because of this." He leaned in, his lips dangerously close. The tension shimmered in the air between them. Ryan shivered and closed his eyes, yearning to feel Logan's mouth claim his. They'd kissed, but only briefly when he lived with Logan because he'd claimed he wasn't ready. But that was another lie. He knew if he let Logan touch him again, he'd never let him go. He still dreamed about the harsh possessiveness of Logan's touch and burned for him, but that was something he'd keep to himself.

Cursing his name, Logan thrust him away, putting a good five feet between them.

"Thanks for the watch."

"We can work out a payment plan for me to return the money."

"Don't bother. It's not as if I expect you to pay me back."

Bastard.

But he could hardly be angry. If he was being honest with himself, there was no one else to blame. And he would be damned if he'd owe Logan anything. "I'll do it, don't you worry."