Chapter 10

Chapter

Ten

Eden finally turned to Nico, who looked positively haunted, and said stiffly, “It appears there are several things you’ve been keeping from me. I can’t help but wonder how many more revelations there will be. And I wonder if I’m in love with someone who is merely a figment of my imagination.” She extricated herself from his hold and walked rigidly toward the sanctuary door where she waited for the two men. She was bone weary and wanted desperately to rest and be alone with her worries. Removing a lace-edged handkerchief from her reticule, she attempted to dry her eyes and compose herself as she faced the heavy, closed door.

Matty returned quickly and led them out of the church and toward his home. Eden halted, however, saying, “I’ll just head back to your house, Nico. This discussion is for the two of you. ”

She turned resolutely… and then realized she didn’t know where she was or how to get back.

Gently taking her arm, Nico said, “You don’t even know the way, Eden, and it’s not safe for you to wander around alone in a strange city. We came into the church building on another side, so I’m sure this looks unfamiliar. But mostly, why would you think anything we have to say does not concern you? This is all about you as much as Matty and me.”

“I’m not sure about that,” Eden said in a shaky voice. “The two of you have history that obviously has nothing to do with me.”

“We have history, yes, but we need to discuss our future, and you are very much an important part of that. Please relax and come with us. It’s not far to Matty’s place. It’s only halfway between here and my family’s house.”

Conceding to herself that she was turned around and would no doubt become terribly lost if she ventured out on her own, Eden agreed.

No one spoke until they were inside Matty’s house, and he escorted them to the main salon. Nico tried to encourage Eden toward a comfortable settee but was dismayed that she chose to sit across the room from him in a chair by herself. Her face was a stoic mask, and she had her handkerchief clutched in her hand.

Matty had avoided his father’s study so far, not wanting to revisit the memory of the last time he was in that room. He wondered if there were still nasty stains on the floor from his retaliation for the busted lip his father had given him. That seemed preposterous after so many years, but the possibility bothered him. As much as he despised the kind of person his father had become, the guilt of smashing the man’s head with a heavy wooden box still haunted him. Matty sometimes felt the weight of his sin dragging him down, and he thought perhaps he didn’t deserve any happiness. Confession had not unburdened his mind as it should have.

This room was in pretty good shape, however. All it had needed was some dusting and airing out because his father had never used the room for much. It had been his mother’s domain when she’d entertained visitors.

Most of the house had fallen into disrepair in his time away. Since returning, Matty had concentrated his heaviest efforts on the wrecked kitchen and his former bedroom, which had become a receptacle for old bottles and assorted refuse. It was as if his father had wanted to throw his trash at Matty in absentia.

Standing in front of the cold fireplace, Matty began, “First of all, Nico, I know I owe you a tremendous apology for not getting in touch, but I swear to you, I tried repeatedly.” He noted Nico’s skeptical expression and continued, “I was sent to a strict religious school run by monks. Father Andrew stressed that I would be safe there because it was remote and not well known, though it had a good reputation for academics. I believe that most, if not all, of the boys who were there had experienced some kind of trouble. I never tried to find out more because I was reluctant to share my own story. The brothers had rules for everything, and one of them was that students were to have no communication outside of the school with anyone except for a monthly letter home to parents for the students who had them.” He gave a resigned look. “Well, I certainly wasn’t going to write to my father and let him know of my whereabouts, and he obviously wouldn’t have passed along any letters to you if he’d received them. So I tried to send letters to your parents, telling the monks they were my guardians. That just bought me a mountain of punishment for telling lies, so I finally gave up. Apparently, Father Andrew had been very clear about my parentage and that he was the only one who knew of my location for everyone’s safety.

“I did hear from Father Andrew from time to time, so I knew only that you and your family were well, but he just communicated through the brothers—not to me directly. He didn’t want any mail addressed to me that might be intercepted by someone my father paid off at the post office. When I left that school and headed to seminary, I heard you had left Los Angeles and were in medical school—though I had no idea where—and that my father’s condition was deteriorating.” He hung his head. “I’m sorry to say, I was not saddened by this bit of news about him. Apparently, the monks did not manage to instill a good Christian attitude of forgiveness in me. In fairness, it wasn’t their area of interest. They preferred to spend their time teaching me to be a rule follower and religious scholar.” He sighed. “At least some of the brothers were excellent teachers, so there was one bright light about my exile.”

“Excuse me, Father Matthew…” Eden interrupted from her chair across the room.

“No, please, I’m Matty to you and Nico.”

“Yes, well, Matty then. May I know why it was so vital to keep you away from your father? I can tell there is no love lost for the man from either of you, so I’m curious as to why that is.”

Nico spoke up when Matty looked sick. “His father is a despicable drunkard who used Matty’s body as a punching bag and nearly killed him. Matty showed up at our house bloodied and bruised more times than I can count. Then finally, when we were sixteen, his father broke Matty’s nose and ribs, and my family and friends conspired to keep the man away from him so he could heal.”

With wide eyes, she asked, “Why did he treat Matty so horribly?”

Matty spoke up finally, “He never needed a plausible reason. I was young and smaller than him, and I was available to bully and ridicule with cutting, horrible words. He was a miserable drunk with nothing better to do. When he wasn’t drunk, he largely ignored me, but after he got into the whiskey, he would blame me for everything. Sometimes he would think I looked too much like my mother, so he’d smack me in the face. He would get the notion that I was a horrible son who caused her to get sick and die, so he’d punch me. Or maybe he was upset over losing a game of cards, and he would go into a tirade about my uselessness. Anything would set him off, and I was his scapegoat. Early on, I hoped I could reason with him, but when I tried, it usually just escalated the problem. It was when he brutally attacked a trusted friend and started swinging a gun around that his actions got the attention of the police. That was when I had to leave so no one would get killed.”

“Did you ever fight back?” she asked, horrified.

“Twice.” He nodded and sighed. “The first time I slapped him to keep him away, so he slugged me in the face and broke my nose, I stumbled and fell, and he fractured my ribs by repeatedly applying his boot to my body as hard as he could. The second time I fought back was when he dragged me home from Nico’s house where I’d been staying to recover from my broken ribs. I was mightily relieved when Nico’s fathers showed up with the police. That was the last time I saw him until yesterday. I know I was supposed to be there to forgive him, but I could barely look at him. So much for turning the other cheek. I’m afraid the years apart did nothing to make me forget his cruelty. I used to hope I could help him, but I gradually began to realize I was young and idealistic. I was a fool. He was not going to be a loving father anymore—never the way he was when my mother was alive.”

“I see. I’m terribly sorry to hear this, Matty, but I’m sure you were an optimistically trusting son—not a fool.”

Matty’s tense jaw loosened by just a fraction at Eden’s words. “Well, thank you for your confidence in me, even though it’s probably misplaced. I’m not that good of a person, you see.” With a resolute expression, Matty explained, “Father Andrew knew I had a deep interest in religious history and philosophy and took that to mean I was destined to become a priest. He stepped in and orchestrated my future, assuming he was doing the right thing for everyone by sending me away to school. He made a deal with the diocese that they would pay for my tuition and living expenses if I would eventually return and serve here as a parish priest.” Matty looked down at his hands. “Father Andrew is a good man and a wonderful priest, but I wish sometimes that he’d asked me then what it was I wanted for my own future. Now I’m trapped by the commitment he forced me into.”

Nico gasped. “Have you discussed this with him recently?”

“I’ve tried to, but he reminds me of my duty to God and to the diocese.”

“Seems a bit much, dragging God into it,” Eden said with a frown.

“Well, perhaps, but consider the source. He is a man of God. Also, I’m beginning to suspect that he has aspirations of becoming a bishop, and if he has me as his protégé, it makes him appear successful and important. He’s a lot more ambitious than I ever realized, and I feel like I’m a pawn in his chess game,” Matty answered. Looking at Nico, he asked, “Will you please accept my most heartfelt apology, Nico? It was killing me—as I assumed it was you—that I couldn’t get in touch. I could hardly announce to the brothers that I was deeply in love with you and knew I’d broken your heart and needed to make you understand why. Even if I had managed to explain, they probably would have thought we were just children who would grow out of our feelings.” A hot tear cascaded down his cheek, and he scraped it away roughly with the back of his hand.

Eden flinched as Matty expressed his love for Nico and had to dab her eyes a few more times. Matty’s story breaks my heart ! But how can Nico possibly love me if he’s loved Matty for so long ? Even if he were to choose me, I would always wonder if I was his second choice.

Nico looked stiff as he spoke. “Maybe you should have tried, Matty. Priests are human, after all. But what I want to know is, why did you continue on with seminary unless you were prepared to become a priest?” He was not quite ready to give up his anger and accept an apology. “And I wonder how many times Father Andrew had to confess to lying. He told me he had no knowledge of your whereabouts.”

“Maybe he was evading the truth for what he felt was a good reason, or he split hairs because he didn’t know my exact location on that particular day. I don’t know,” Matty sighed. “He was probably afraid he would hear that you’d run away from home looking for me and shirking your responsibility to Doc Louis. He is all about responsibility, after all.” Nico looked like he was considering that response, so Matty continued, “To answer your other question, I guess I continued on with seminary because it was what was expected of me, and I needed someone’s approval after never getting any from my father. I didn’t want to let people down who’d invested in my future. Everyone I cared about seemed lost to me, and I felt awfully isolated… even abandoned. I know that was no one’s fault, but I was so lonely. At least this way I had a goal—even if it wasn’t the one I chose. It was easiest to just keep going.”

“Matty, it’s your life! Your future. Not the community’s or the church’s or Father Andrew’s. Have you ever considered what it is you want to do?”

“Yes, I have. I’ve always wanted to teach. I love the church, and I love Catholicism, but I love it as a historical and philosophical framework from which to work—not as a vocation in and of itself. You know I’ve always liked discussing and debating what I’ve read.” He hung his head briefly and looked up. “I don’t feel as though I have some special link to the Almighty or even that I need to serve God, even though I love God.” He put his face into his hands for a moment. “I feel so conflicted. I’ve taken preliminary vows as a deacon, and they expect me to take my final vows soon to become ordained as a priest, but I’m afraid I have too much sin in my heart to take the job seriously. And yet I’m afraid to let Father Andrew down at this point.”

“But aren’t you working hard to be a good person?” Eden asked. “You seem quite careful about how to lead your life, judging by what little I know of you and from my own observations.” She glared at Nico. “Nico had, unfortunately, neglected to enlighten me of your existence until today.”

Capturing her attention back to him, Matty explained, “Whether I seem like a good person or not, I am a sinner. Right at this very moment, I have contempt in my heart that I should have purged a long time ago. I have done things for which I’ve never properly atoned. I am teetering on the precipice of dishonoring someone who has mentored me and looked out for me.” His eyes blazed. “Because what I most want to do is drag Nico upstairs and make unholy love to him for hours… and make him mine forever.” He paused for a second and let that sink in and then continued in a softer tone, “And… since I’m being honest… I’d love to do the same thing to you. I also ironically find that I have this incredible and undeniable urge to impregnate you, and I think it’s a shame that deed is already done.”

Eden drew in a sharp breath, and Nico shuddered at her side, but neither interrupted Matty, who choked out a mirthless, sarcastic groan. “You can obviously add jealousy to my faults. I can’t have Nico because he’s promised to you, while I am contracted to the demands of the diocese. And now Nico presents me with an additional temptation in the form of the loveliest woman I’ve ever seen. This is pure cruelty.”

Eden’s chin dropped at the same time Nico let out a loud laugh, and then he said, “Well! My unorthodox family has made a rather big impression on you. Good for them!” Then he looked at Eden and said, “Depending on how you feel, what Matty is implying could be the solution to some of our problems.”

Eden’s eyes widened, but she couldn’t form the words to speak just yet.

“Whoa, whoa, Nico. I’m not suggesting we have an arrangement like your family,” Matty said. “If we did that, we would just be in a bigger mess.”

Nico frowned. “I don’t see why. At least we’d be happy—that is, if Eden agrees to it. Become a priest, don’t become a priest—that’s up to you. You’ll be sinning in someone’s eyes no matter what you do.”