43. April

43

APRIL

For the rest of the day, I go about my business like always.

I won't say Eleanor's words didn't touch me at all. I think it's impossible to have your own mother call you a selfish bitch and not have some kind of reaction. So yeah, of course I'm hurt. Of course I wish things hadn't unfolded like they did.

But I'm also used to it.

"Some people don't change. And it's not your job to change them."

I smile to myself. Even in his absence, Matvey's words are keeping me warm.

Which reminds me—we promised we'd keep each other informed. I shoot him a quick text about Eleanor's surprise visit.

The Wicked Bitch of Staten Island was here this morning. We're all fine—I'll tell you more when you get home!

Then, on second thought, I add, Buttons might need a rabies shot, though. He scratched her. Do you think she's contagious?

Then, fingers hesitating over the screen, I type a third text: PS. I love you.

There. All said.

I pick up my baby and valiant guard cat, one in each arm, and settle on the couch. "What'll it be?" I ask out loud. "Romcom? Action movie? A three-hour long drama about the nihilistic fleetingness of life?"

Before I can decipher May's coos, there's another knock.

I dump Buttons on a pillow and hoist up my growing baby—God, she's gotten big. "Eleanor, if it's you again, I swear…"

I open the door and the words die in my throat.

It's not Eleanor.

It's Charlie.

And he's sporting a nasty black eye.

"How dare he?"

"Apes, I'm okay, I swear. It just looks bad."

I move the ice pack around, trying to get all of the swelling. God, how often have I heard those words? It's not that bad; it looks worse than it is ?

How often have I said those words myself?

I force myself to calm down and swallow my rage. "He shouldn't do these things. He's your father."

"I talked back to him." Charlie shrugs. "I knew what I was getting into."

"What happened?"

He hesitates. "When Mom came back, I heard them fighting. That's how I realized she'd been to visit you. I was almost mad she didn't ask me to come with, and then Dad—he started yelling. About money. He tried to hit her, so I stepped between them… told him off, tried to stop him…" He gives a dry laugh. "Guess I wasn't very good at it."

I feel a stab of guilt. "It's my fault. She came to ask for the prize money."

"From the contest?" He perks up. "You won?!"

A hazy smile spreads on my lips. It's just like Charlie to be happy for someone else's good news when that someone is the reason he got beaten to a pulp in the first place. "Yeah. First place."

"That's amazing, Apes!"

Right now, I feel anything but. That voice I've spent so long trying to silence is back with a vengeance, and for once, I have no good reason to shut it up.

Because it's right.

Charlie got hurt because of me. My brave baby brother, who put himself in the line of fire to save our mother from her deadbeat husband. And why did he have to do that? Because of me.

God help me, Eleanor was right: I am a selfish bitch.

What else was she right about?

Everything , that nasty part of me whispers. And maybe that's not wrong, either. How can I be a good mother when I'm such a shitty daughter? A shitty sister to the only sibling who's ever given a damn about me?

How—

"Apes. Stop. Seriously, I'm okay."

That's when I realize there are tears on my face. "I'm sorry, Charlie. I should've just given her the money."

"No way. Not a chance in hell. That money's yours. You earned it fair and square."

"But Mom's right: I don't need it. Matvey—he'd probably cover the tuition if I asked. And with this new job, maybe I could…"

Charlie's hands squeeze my shoulders. "No," he says with an air of finality that's way beyond his age. "If my dad knows what's good for him, he'll stop gambling. He's not going to do that if someone's footing the bill for him."

"He's not going to do that either way, Char," I murmur. "You know that. We've seen it."

"Maybe," he concedes, smile still bright on his split lips. "But I want to give him a chance."

I pull him into a hug. "You're too good for them," I whisper into his hair. "Way too good."

He chuckles. "Hey, I'm a handful, too."

"No, you're not. You were always the kindest kid in the room."

"I doubt that," he replies. "You were there for a good while, too."

I pull away before I can start bawling on my teenage brother's shoulder. "Are you sure you don't want the money?"

"I'm sure," he says. "I want to be like you. I want to earn my keep. And my dream—I want to earn that, too."

I think back to his one thousand hobbies and laugh. "Oh? Have we decided, then?"

"No." He shrugs. "But isn't that half the fun? Finding out what it is?"

That's it: I hug him again. "I'm so proud of you."

He makes a choking sound in response. Am I squeezing too hard? Oh, whatever. I already checked his ribs and they're fine. He can take a little more of this.

"Apes—"

"Shh. We're having a moment."

"Sis, I can't breathe."

Right then, the door opens: it's Matvey. "April?" His appearance is a bit ruffled, as if he rushed all the way here. "You weren't answering my texts, so I?—"

Then his eyes find Charlie.

For a second, I panic. I remember how pissed he was last time Charlie dropped by unannounced, telling me I'd broken the rules. I scramble to my feet, rushing to explain. "Sorry, I wasn't checking my phone! There was kind of an emergency back home, so Charlie?—"

But Matvey passes right by me. He tips Charlie's head up without a word, those keen blue eyes assessing the damage. No doubt he's done a lot of this in his line of work. "Anything broken?"

I realize he's asking me. "Oh! No, no, we don't think so. It's probably just the eye."

"It looks worse than it is," Charlie adds helpfully.

"I doubt that," Matvey comments. Then he moves his hand to the top of Charlie's head…

And pats it.

I'm speechless. It's such a one-eighty from what the old Matvey would've done. Sure, he was good to Charlie back then, too, but not before he took his pound of flesh out of me. And now…

Now, it's like watching someone else entirely.

"You did the right thing coming here," he says. "I'll have the guest room made up for you."

"Th-That's okay!" Charlie waves his hands. "Things have probably calmed down at home. I should?—"

"Stay."

They both turn to me.

"Stay," I repeat. "Seriously. I'd feel much better if I knew you were here tonight."

I glance at Matvey for confirmation. The corner of his lips curves upwards, imperceptible to anyone else.

But not to me.

I know Matvey, I remind myself. I don't have to be afraid of him anymore. Because this is the new Matvey, the one who's been changing for my sake only. And this Matvey?—

This Matvey, I'd trust with my life.

Just like that, my anxiety melts away. "I'll throw in pizza and a movie to seal the deal?" I offer.

Charlie's eyes light up. "Is that really okay?"

"Of course," Matvey answers. "You're family."

Family. Once, that six-letter word meant nothing to me. Not in the way it usually meant something to other people. But now…

Now, it's something I have. The side I chose and the side I didn't—two halves of my heart, now beating in unison.

I couldn't be more grateful.