15. April

15

APRIL

After a lunch of ice cream and pizza, I finally manage to convince Petra that it's safe to leave me alone. It's a hard sell, but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's crafting things people will buy.

She hasn't been out five minutes when someone else knocks on my door.

This time, I know exactly who it is.

"Charlie!" My brother wordlessly crushes me into the second hug of the day. "Jesus, have you grown taller?" I laugh. "It's like Jack and the freaking Beanstalk here, and you're both characters."

"Couple of inches," he preens. Then he starts looking around excitedly. "Where is she? Is she awake?"

Straight to the point . "You're in luck. You caught her in a rare moment of awareness."

"That makes it sound like she's in a coma, sis."

"Trust me, she'd be more awake if she was." I go pick up my bundle of joy. "May I, Mr. Buttons?"

My cat gives a slow blink of approval. "Just don't keep her too long," he seems to be saying. "My lady's schedule is full as it is."

As soon as I put her in Charlie's arms, he starts beaming. I worry he's seconds away from holding his newborn niece up like Simba just so he can show her to the world. Look, I'm an uncle now!

"What's her name?" he asks with stars in his eyes.

I bite back a laugh. "May."

"May," he repeats, awed. "That's funny. It fits."

"Right? I'm a riot like that."

"So are you going to keep up the tradition? Next one is June and so on?"

I make a so-so gesture. "I think our June likes being the only one of her kind."

"Maybe Julius for July if it's a boy," he muses. "August also works. Oh, or Augustus! Did you know that's where those two months' names come from? Julius Caesar and Caesar Augustus?"

There he goes, my history buff baby bro. "I'll keep that in mind for the next Roman emperor I birth."

He gives a pensive hum. "Maybe Matvey will want to pick a Russian one. He… April, are you okay?"

I force myself to unfreeze. Charlie's words caught me like an ice bucket—I didn't see them coming at all. "Of course," I lie. "It's just… maybe it's too soon to think of other kids. I'm not sure Matvey will even want them."

Certainly not from me.

It's the same train of thought Dr. Allan's visit brought on: other kids. A big family. Matvey doesn't want me anymore; he's made that abundantly clear. But he also said…

You can't have someone else. Not now, not ever.

So where does that leave me?

"Oh," Charlie says, expression falling somewhat. "Right. Well, this one's probably a handful already. Ain't that right, Li'l M?"

I fail to suppress a snort. Leave it to Charlie to put a smile back on my face after such a grim tangent. "Is she getting her street name already?"

"Damn right she is. She's dope like that."

At that moment, another knock comes. "Am I interrupting?" calls a deep, familiar voice.

I beam at the sight of my boss in the hallway. Something very few employees can say, I'm sure. "Elias!"

The third hug of the day nearly makes me two-dimensional. "There's my employee of the month!"

"I thought I was your only employee."

Elias blows me off with a wave. "Details, details. Ohh, is that the little mannequin?"

I shake my head and laugh. "A perfect one. Barely moves at all."

He boops May on the nose while she's still wrapped up in her uncle's arms. "Don't say that too loud. Other moms might get jealous."

"I'll make sure she cries every now and then at the grocery store to even things out."

"Look," Charlie tells him, "she has freckles, too."

Elias squints playfully. "Is that right?"

I watch them from the door, tenderness filling my heart. Elias and Charlie are already familiar with each other, of course—what with my little brother kicking back at the shop on more than a few occasions. Basically whenever our mom went batshit, or when his dad…

Don't think about it. That's in the past for you. They can't hurt you anymore.

Charlie transfers the baby into Elias's arms, interrupting my train of thought. The old man grins down at her and lets her grab his gnarled finger with her tiny ones. She seems very curious about this new face in particular—probably because she's never seen such a long beard before. He lets her play with it, then turns to me with a smile. "She's perfect, you know."

"She kind of is, isn't she?" I murmur.

"You always did make the most beautiful things," Elias says, surprising me. "But this time you've truly outdone yourself, April. You made a miracle."

I can feel a lump forming in my throat, tears pooling at the corners of my eyes. I blink them away quickly; I will not go back to being a sobbing mess for the second time today.

"Thank you," I say sincerely.

Elias nods, eyes shining with tears of his own. God, look at us: a bunch of crybabies. May's eyes are literally the only dry ones in the room. "Uncle Charlie, can I leave her with you? I have something for your sister."

Charlie's only too happy to get his baby niece back. He starts playing peekaboo with her on the couch while Elias beckons me towards his suitcase. "As you requested," he says while opening it with a flourish.

I check out the contents: fabrics, notes, instructions. As my hands run across the materials, I feel something click into place, like I'm finally back in my element. "This is all this month's backlog?"

"This week's, actually."

I blanch. "Elias, did you at least hire a temp?"

"Nonsense," he pshaws. "Kids these days don't have the passion."

"In case you've forgotten, I'm ‘kids these days,' too."

"You're the exception, my dear, not the rule. Maia was the same."

At the mention of my grandmother, I stop rummaging through the suitcase. "Yeah?" I rasp.

"One of a kind," Elias confirms. "And she worked too much, but you could never tell her that."

I find myself laughing. "I definitely remember that part. She was always hunched over some dress or another."

"Give your kid a few years—she'll be saying the same about you."

My smile fades a bit. For some reason, it's sad to think about—what May will think of me. I'm already failing her so much, between my focus on work and my drama with her dad…

The dad you tried to take her from , a nasty voice inside of me whispers. Don't forget that.

Something must show on my face, because I feel Elias's warm hand on my shoulder. "Sorry," I say quickly. "Just spaced out a bit."

"Mhmm," he hums, unconvinced. "You know, this all reminds me of a story."

"A story?"

"About your grandmother."

We settle at the table, just the two of us. Charlie's still on the couch, making faces at the baby while Mr. Buttons circles around them suspiciously.

"It was the day she brought you home," Elias continues. "The day she really brought you home. To stay."

"You were there?" I frown.

"You wouldn't remember. You were already asleep. Maia asked me to come over—I thought something had happened. I got there as fast as I could. When I did, she offered me a cup of tea."

"That's her, alright."

"Sure was." He laughs with me. "You'd passed out on the couch after crying yourself to sleep. You had this checkered blanket over you; it dwarfed you. That night, Maia confessed she didn't want to give you back."

"What? I thought my parents agreed that it was…"

"They did," he amends quickly. "The next day, when she asked them. But she hadn't asked yet. She knew she wanted to keep you, but she was… scared."

Scared? That doesn't sound like my grandma. Maia was smart, confident, funny… and stronger than anyone I'd ever known. She feared nothing.

"Of what?" I ask.

"Of failing you."

On the other side of the room, Charlie laughs out loud. Whatever he's doing, it makes May laugh, too.

"Failing me?" I blink. "Elias, she saved me."

"But she didn't know that yet," he replies. "She didn't know she could. You have to remember that Maia was never actually a mother. She was a stepmom first, and you know how that went."

I give a grim nod. "My dad hated her."

"Mhmm."

Suddenly, the proverbial lightbulb goes off in my head. "Wait—is that what she was afraid of? That I'd hate her, too?"

I can't believe this. Maia was the first good thing to happen to me: she was my family . Not by blood, but by choice. And she thought…?

As if reading my thoughts, Elias gives me a reassuring smile. "It's hard to understand what she was feeling back then. She wanted to be your grandmother so badly, but she had no idea if she could actually pull it off."

"Because she'd never done it before," I fill in.

"Mhmm. Just like you've never done it before."

It feels… indulgent, to let myself follow this train of thought. To let myself be comforted by the idea of Maia. She might have been scared, but she never…

She never took you away from a parent she thought was bad for you? She never did her best, however flawed?

I shake my head. However tempting these ideas are, I can't let them get to me. I can't let myself off the hook.

After all, what I did was unforgivable.

Still, I appreciate Elias's intentions. Most of all, I appreciate that he told me something new about my grandmother. It makes me feel closer to her. Like maybe my story with her isn't over yet, even if I can no longer reach her.

"Thank you," I tell him. "I needed that."

We play with the baby some more, then Elias offers to drive Charlie home.

"I'll visit again soon," my brother promises. Whether to me or May, I'm not so sure anymore. I might've slipped down a spot on the totem pole of his favorites.

"We'll be waiting for you, Uncle Chuck." I hug them both goodbye, then walk them to the door.

"Oh, almost forgot," Elias says with a snap of his fingers. "Did you ever enter that contest? I believe the deadline's closing in."

The contest. With everything that's been happening, it slipped my mind completely. The fashion competition—the one with a full ride at the Mallard Institute as grand prize. "Actually, I don't… I'm not sure that I'll make it."

"I can take some work from your hands," he offers. "In fact, I'd have taken it all off your hands, but…"

I shake my head. "It's fine. I insisted. Besides, it's good to keep busy. Helps keep my mind off things."

Off Matvey, specifically.

"You should do it," Charlie joins in. "You'd win, Apes. I know you would."

I ruffle Charlie's hair. "You think I hung the moon in the sky."

"I think you should do whatever makes you happy."

Goddammit, tear ducts. Working overtime today. "I'll think about it," I promise them both.

As I wave them off in the hallway, those words keep spinning in my mind: Whatever makes you happy.

If only I deserved to be.