9. Aidan

9

AIDAN

A idan’s heart pounded as he pulled out of Kenzie’s drive, chastising himself all the way.

You don’t need a crush right now. You don’t need any kind of romantic entanglement at all. You’re not good at them, and they always end badly.

But he still felt a rush of excitement in his chest, like a waterfall was crashing there, sending up a mist of intoxication.

She’s too young and too sweet for you.

He shook his head. He knew that Kenzie was only a few years younger. They’d gone to high school together, after all. And she’d been on her own for years in a big city since then, succeeding in a very competitive career. But she still felt younger somehow. Maybe it was that she was ready to open her heart and her stash of granola bars at the drop of a hat. Or that she smiled and seemed genuinely happy in spite of everything she was going through .

Happiness is a choice, he heard his mother’s voice telling him sternly.

But it didn’t feel like a choice to Aidan, not when the world told him he was bringing up his sweet boy in a place where promises had lost their meaning.

“Kenzie has a cast on her leg,” Walt’s husky little voice piped up suddenly from the back seat, as if on cue.

“Yes, she hurt her leg,” Aidan told him.

“How?” Walt asked.

Aidan frowned, and then realized that the news was literally in the paper, so he wasn’t sharing anything private by telling his son.

“Kenzie is a ballet dancer,” he said. “She got hurt while she was dancing.”

“Like on Maddy’s cake?” Walt asked.

Aidan frowned until he remembered the year Maddy had a birthday cake with a ballerina figure on it.

“Yes, just like that,” he said.

“You lifted her up,” Walt said. “You saved her from the puddle, just like Batman. Pow.”

“I guess so,” Aidan said. “I just didn’t want her cast to get wet.”

“She has good bars,” Walt went on. “Better than mine.”

Aidan did his best to keep healthy food in the house without too much sugar, since Walt was already bouncing off the walls most of the time. He was pretty sure those granola bars of Kenzie’s were just glorified cookies.

“Those are special Christmastime ones,” he told Walt carefully. “She must have found them someplace where we don’t usually shop. ”

“We better ask her,” Walt said. “Then we can get more.”

“Okay,” Aidan told him. “You can ask her next time you see her.” And you’ll probably never see her again.

It was strange that the thought gave him a pang. Seeing her be so sweet with Walt was really nice.

But I can’t risk it.

He still couldn’t stop thinking about the way she’d felt in his arms—light as a feather, and yet her soft warmth and the fragrance of her hair had soaked into his chest so that he still felt her absence there now.

I almost kissed her.

The look on her face would haunt him for a long time. And that little sound of surprise she’d made… It was almost like she’d never been kissed before.

But of course that wasn’t possible. She was well into her twenties, and she’d been living in the city on her own. If the movies had it right, rich guys loved ballerinas. And she’d be back there soon enough, no doubt being taken out on the town by guys far more sophisticated than Aidan Webb.

“ We’re here ,” Walt murmured, his little face gazing out the window in wonder.

Aidan was always tickled at the way Walt responded to the old place. To Aidan, it was natural that it felt like home since he had grown up here. Walt, on the other hand, had only spent the odd holiday or weekend in the countryside.

But compared to their city apartment it was spacious, and the land around it was so much fun to explore—definitely the kind of place a little kid would love .

If only it didn’t need so much work.

It seemed like half of Aidan’s old friends had just bought houses in Trinity Falls with new roofs and heaters, thanks to Baz Radcliffe’s big project. Only Aidan still had to deal with a roof that was on its last legs and a boiler so old it looked like the steam engine on an antique train.

I’ll get there, he told himself.

It wasn’t the money. He had enough funds saved to replace the old boiler and probably the roof as well. It was more about the time. He knew how important it was to do things the right way. He wanted to be here to keep an eye on the roofers, and even if he didn’t know much about heating systems, he wanted to be around for it anyway. He’d heard too many horror stories.

“Can we do puzzles?” Walt asked, while Aidan unstrapped him.

“It’s too late for that tonight,” Aidan told him. “But we can still read one story.”

Walt was sleepy enough not to argue, and Aidan smiled as he carried the little one in on his shoulder.

They moved quickly through Walt’s nighttime routine, with none of the usual arguments about taking a bath or choosing pajamas. Aidan figured his little guy was worn out from an exciting day and a later night than usual.

Before he knew it, Aidan had Walt all tucked in and ready for a story. Aidan stood by the bookcase in his childhood bedroom, glancing through the titles for a good picture book to end the night with .

“How about Owl at Home ?” he offered. They had that one back at the apartment too.

“No,” Walt said.

“Oh, wow, Father Fox’s Penny Rhymes,” Aidan said, smiling down at the battered paperback picture book. “You haven’t heard that one yet.”

“Do we have one about a ballerina?” Walt asked hopefully.

“I don’t think so,” Aidan said, glancing up to find Walt looking at him with a mix of sleepiness and disappointment.

We’re both stuck on Kenzie tonight, Aidan thought to himself grimly.

“But maybe we can get one at the library tomorrow,” he suggested.

“Okay,” Walt said happily. “Do we have Small Pig ?”

“We do have Small Pig ,” Aidan told him, grabbing the old book from the shelf. It had been a favorite of his as a child, and it tickled him that Walt loved it too.

He sat on the side of the bed and kissed Walt’s forehead before he began, drinking in his sweet scent. Walt wouldn’t be little forever. He was growing every day. It was important to enjoy each age before it disappeared.

“Okay,” Aidan said, beginning the book and taking plenty of time to talk about the pictures.

He had sat down with a single story, fully expecting that he’d have to negotiate a second one, so he was surprised when he finished Small Pig and realized that Walt was fast asleep. He closed the book and rose from the bed as gently as he could, replacing the book on the shelf, then tiptoeing out of the room .

Walt usually liked to have his bedroom door closed when he was sleeping, but since this wasn’t the house he was used to, Aidan left it open. That way if Walt woke up in the night and felt confused, Aidan could easily hear him calling.

As Aidan made his way downstairs and headed for the kitchen, he noticed that the house seemed quieter than he remembered, and he felt more alone. It had been forever since he’d felt that way in a quiet house at night. Normally he was either with Walt or clients, or relieved to have a few minutes to himself before bed.

What would it be like to have someone else here to relax with?

It was an odd thought. He’d been married before. But of course, Sharon had been gone nights and weekends, traveling with Toto TooToo, an ‘80s cover band. When she had gotten her gig selling merch for the duo outside their venues, Aidan had never imagined they would get so popular.

Then they offered Sharon a higher-paid contract to go on a national tour as their head of merchandising, which he was pretty sure was a position they just made up. Even so, Aidan never expected her to say yes without even talking to him about it.

It’s my life, she had yelled at him. I want to follow my dreams.

You’re not even in the band, he had yelled back. You’re just selling t-shirts.

That hadn’t gone over well, and Sharon left the next day, with a promise that she’d be back when the tour was over .

The tour lasted almost six months, and the band broke up right after.

Unfortunately, Sharon didn’t break up with them. It turned out that while Aidan had been home making ends meet for Walt, she had been falling hard for Lonny, one of the band members. Aidan didn’t contest the divorce, and Sharon didn’t want custody of Walt. The whole thing was over blessedly quickly and relatively cheaply.

Sharon kept up occasional visits with Walt after that, which the boy enjoyed. She hadn’t been the best at being a wife, but she was a fun mom, and now that she and Lonny weren’t traveling anymore, she had more time. It hurt Aidan’s pride sometimes to have her around, but he bore it for Walt, knowing it was good for him to have as much time with his mother as she was willing to spend.

Besides, the two of them had married so young, when they were really just silly kids themselves. They’d been infatuated with each other, but hadn’t really thought things through. How could he blame her for wanting a different life?

But it did help Aidan form the strong opinion that the arts made people lose themselves, even when they were only involved peripherally. He would never understand how his sister Lucy loved to read biographies about artists, gymnasts, and writers who were all so obsessed with perfection that they sacrificed their lives to pursue it.

Our lives are all that we have, he’d said to himself at the time. Anyone who values some kind of calling over their actual life isn’t going to be part of ours.

But it was hard to think that way about Kenzie, who had come out on crutches to see the Christmas lights when he canceled their meeting, and spent so much time talking patiently with Walt about each decoration that caught his fancy.

It’s only because she’s hurt , he reminded himself sternly. She’ll be back in New York the minute that boot comes off, and she won’t even remember us a year from now…