17. Aurora

17

Iwince as I clean the shallow cuts on my skin, the sting of the saline reminding me of the previous night's intensity. I'm not a stranger to dealing with cuts like these, as I've cut myself for years. My hands tremble slightly, a mix of adrenaline and something else.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I stare down at the bandages, torn over the emotions coursing through me. My own actions horrified me the way I begged Gage to hurt me, to show me his darkness. And yet, another part of me craves that connection, that visceral experience that made me come alive.

My mind drifts back to my childhood, the memories of my father's abuse still haunting me. The way he would touch me, force me to do things no child should ever endure. I shudder, the phantom sensations of his hands on my body making my skin crawl.

All these years later, I can't escape the scars he left behind. I thought I had buried those demons, but Gage has somehow unearthed them, stirring up emotions I had long since conquered.

Yet, as much as I hate to admit it, Gage is the first person to make me feel something real. I don't have to hide behind a facade of innocence or normalcy with him. He sees the darkness within me, the desires I've always kept hidden, and he doesn't judge or reject me.

The pain he inflicted, the way he dominated me, it all felt so... right. As if he was the only one who could truly understand the broken pieces of my soul.

I stare at my phone, my heart racing as I contemplate texting him. My fingers hover over the screen, trembling slightly. Taking a deep breath, I type out a message:

Hey, it's Aurora. How are you? I can't stop thinking about last night.

I hit send before I lose my nerve. The seconds tick by agonizingly slowly as I wait for a response. My mind wanders to the carnival, realizing it'll only be in town for five more days. The thought of Gage leaving makes my chest tighten.

Unable to sit still, I pace around my apartment. My phone chimes, and I nearly drop it, desperate to check the message.

Fine. Working.

His short reply shouldn't surprise me, but it still stings. I bite my lip, debating whether to push further. The need to see him again overrides my hesitation.

When can I see you again? The carnival's leaving soon...

I send the text, my stomach churning with anxiety. What if Gage doesn't want to see me? What if last night was just a one-time thing for him?

The minutes drag on with no response. I try to distract myself by tidying up, but my eyes keep darting to my phone. Finally, it buzzes.

Tonight. After closing. Same place.

Relief floods through me, followed quickly by excitement. I can't imagine saying goodbye to Gage and can't fathom the idea of never experiencing that connection again. The thought of him leaving town in a few days makes me feel hollow.

I type out a quick "I'll be there" and toss my phone aside. As I get ready for work, my mind races with possibilities. How can I convince him to stay? Or could I go with him?

The idea is crazy and reckless. However, my prospects in a dead-end grocery store job aren't worth staying for. Charlotte and Dan would be devastated. But, as I catch my reflection in the mirror, I see a wild glint in my eyes that I've never noticed before. For the first time I feel seen, and I'm not ready to let that feeling go.

Getting dressed in my work polo and pants, I quickly grab a bagel off the kitchen counter to eat. I'm heading out the door for work when my phone rings. Charlotte's name flashes on the screen, and I feel a pang of guilt as I answer.

"Hey," I reply.

"Aurora! Hey girl, are you up for lunch again today?" Charlotte's cheerful tone catches me off guard.

"Yeah, sure," I reply, surprised by how normal she sounds. "How are you feeling? You know, after everything?"

There's a brief pause before Charlotte responds. "I'm doing okay, actually. My boss gave me a week off to recover, which is nice.."

I lean against the wall, relief washing over me. "That's good to hear. I was worried about you."

"Aw, thanks. But really, I'm fine. Anyway, where do you want to meet for lunch?"

We chat for a few more minutes, settling on a cafe near my work. As I hang up, I feel like a shitty friend. Not only did I seek out the man who attacked her, I lost my virginity to him. And I haven't told her. Part of me feels disconnected like I'm living in a different world that Charlotte can't possibly understand.

I went to find the man I'm certain attacked her, for fuck's sake. The man who pinned a hauntingly beautiful sketch of me to her clothes. A man who I desire more than anything else, and yet he harmed my friend. That should be enough of a warning to stay the fuck away from him, but clearly, I'm not right in the head.

I grab my keys off the console, noticing that charcoal sketch I've kept there. He's talented, even if it's dark. Tearing my eyes from it, I force myself to step out of my apartment.

Work and lunch with Charlotte—just another normal day. Except nothing feels normal anymore, not since Gage. And something tells me it never will be again.