Chapter 33

CHAPTER 33

Without the need to constantly check my phone to see if Cole has called or texted, my days seem freer, but in a hollow, empty way. I miss Cole's voice, his tone, even the way he expresses himself in a text.

I get back to running regularly and going for long walks with a soccer ball on the beach. And I have more time to focus on my friendships. It just feels like everything is happening under a foggy sky when it could be in the warm sunshine.

Anisha comes into girls' night at Aunt Mari's brandishing a blank eight-by-ten-inch canvas and a bottle of Merlot. "Wine, painting, snacks, girl chat—so therapeutic," she says as she sets everything on the dining room table.

"Very true," I murmur in agreement as I pick at the seal on a bottle of paint. I've set up three stations for each of us girls with disposable palettes and two paint brushes, one thin and one wide.

" Hola," Aunt Mari says in greeting as she glides into the kitchen in a burnt-orange silk skirt, a white sleeveless blouse with an exaggerated collar, and loads of her signature silver jewelry. " Bienvenida, I'm Tia's great aunt, Marisol."

"Aunt Mari!" Anisha exclaims. "So nice to meet you, you have an amazing house. Wow, you look fantastic."

" Gracias , I have a date."

I gasp, then smile in surprise. "Aunt Mari! ?En serio?"

She nods as she tucks a few things in a cobalt-blue clutch. "He's very handsome, very rich, and very good at picking out the best restaurants. We're going to STEAK tonight, that fancy place at the end of the main avenue." She's cool, calm, and collected on the outside, but I can tell her subtle smile is one of excitement.

"I hope you have a fantastic time," I say as the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it," says Aunt Mari. " Adiós, chicas ."

I hear her briefly exchange greetings with Sarah and the front door closes as Sarah comes in with her own canvas and a tote bag with a pack of Oreos peeking out of the top.

"Was that your great aunt?" Sarah asks. "I thought it was Rita Moreno for a second."

"She's going on a date," says Anisha.

"Nice! Good for her!" Sarah lays out pretzels, gummy bears, and Oreos on the table. "Okay, I brought the snacks and my canvas, what are we painting?"

"It depends on what you two want to do," I say, as we sit down. "We could either all paint the same thing or we could turn it into a bit of a therapeutic session of just painting for the calming effect of painting."

The girls choose the latter and Anisha fills our wine glasses as I give a few tips and tricks. I chose to get acrylic paints, since they're easier to work with, to keep things simple. I show them how they can blend colors both on and off the canvas and the room falls quiet as they quickly become engrossed in painting.

"This is seriously calming," Anisha whispers. "You should host these as a side gig—wine, art, and silence nights. Military spouses would go feral for it." Not a bad idea. I file it away. Eventually, I'd like to do something to give back through art.

My phone vibrates on the table. Denny's calling me. Why is he calling? My stomach suddenly drops in fear. It couldn't be about Cole, could it? That's not how it works if they need to notify someone that something bad happened, right? Or what if he's changed his mind and he called Denny to break up with me because he said he wouldn't talk to me until he got back? No, that's insane. This no-talking thing is driving me crazy.

"I'll be right back," I say as I take my phone and rush to my room, adrenaline jumping through me as I answer. "Hey, is he okay?"

"What? He? Oh, Cole?" Denny says. "Oh, sorry, you're worried I'm calling because something bad happened? No, no, he's fine, I'm calling about me, actually."

I take a deep breath and let it out through my lips.

"Sorry, Tia, I didn't think I would scare you."

"No, it's okay, no worries," I say with a relieved laugh. "What's up?"

Denny sighs. "Um…I was hoping you could give me some girl advice."

"Oh, okay," I say, sitting down on my bed and crossing my legs.

"Remember Ellis? Get this, I just ran into her at a restaurant. And she seemed pretty happy to see me. And then I was saying goodbye and we were in this little hallway and it was like a habit…I kissed her. On the forehead!"

I gasp. "Denny! Oh my gosh!" It sounds like something straight out of a romance movie, the long-lost lovers reunited.

"She seemed like she was happy about it, she didn't go weird on me or anything." He exhales and mutters, "She smelled like coconuts and sunscreen. Do you think I should ask her out? Is that a good move or do you think it'll scare her off?"

I bite the inside of my bottom lip, weighing what he's told me. "What do you hope will happen, if you call her?"

"Obviously she'll admit that she's still hopelessly in love with me and all she wants in life is to marry me and raise a bunch of blond babies and ride off into the sunset together."

He groans as he finishes his sentence, like he knows how far gone he is. Poor guy. I can't imagine being in his shoes.

"Well, the worst that can happen is she says no. Just go into it assuming she'll say no and if you're already hurting for her, can it hurt worse?"

"Tia, if there's one thing I learned from letting go of the love of my life, it's that it can always get worse."

His words hit my heart like the thunk of an ax against a log, threatening to break apart my stubbornness about Cole and Navy life. I look over to my nightstand, to the framed picture Cole gave me. If I let him go, would I be in pain forever? And what's worse, the pain of a challenging life with him or the pain of trying to pretend I'm okay without him?

"Then text her," I tell Denny. "Keep it casual, no expectations, something chill like getting coffee or ice cream or something."

"You think I should go for it?"

"Be brave and dare greatly. Be the man in the arena, nothing is won by standing on the sidelines. Babe Ruth said, ‘Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.' Sorry, I've been reading a lot of quotes about courage."

Denny chuckles. "Okay, I'm going to do it."

"I hope she says yes."

"Thanks, Tia. How's Cole doing?"

Someone asking me for updates about Cole is sweet and thrilling. As in, I'm the person who would know the most about him and what he's doing right now. I wish I knew how he was. I wish I could tell Denny about every wild and wonderful thing he's learning. But I won't know any of that for weeks still.

"Uh, I think he's fine. He said he's not going to talk to me until he's back."

"He what?" Denny screeches incredulously.

"He said he needs to take some time for himself. He wanted us to like, take a break from communicating. I'm not entirely mad about it, for the record."

"Huh…that sounds really dumb." I feel validated that I'm not the only one who thinks so. "Okay, well thanks for the advice."

"Anytime, Denny. Good luck."

I've never considered myself a romantic, but the way I'm rooting for Denny and Ellis to work things out and get back together makes me wonder if Cole is well and truly converting me to believing in true love.

"Was it Cole?" asks Anisha, as I make my way back to the table.

"No, it was Denny, actually," I say. "Hey, what's the name of the girl he's obsessed with? Ellis?—"

"Ellis Montclair, her dad recently became the admiral of Third Fleet."

My mouth drops into a big O-shape. I met her mom. And her dad is admiral of the fleet? I know more about Marine Corps structure than Navy structure, but that sounds incredibly important. I hope it goes well for Denny, despite it seeming like the odds are stacked against him.

"How's Cole doing by the way?" Sarah asks.

"Where are you guys at with things?" Anisha asks. "Are you even dating?"

I shake my head. "We're…kind of past that. We both know we want all or nothing."

Sarah goes wide-eyed as she takes a sip of wine, swallowing hard. "Hang on, you guys have only known each other for like three months. Frank and I have been together for five years and we're not even engaged."

"The timing is the least of my objections," I reply. "It's just whether I'm able to accept that life with him will look…different from what I imagined as a secure and stable life."

"Their timeline is not uncommon," Anisha chimes in, "especially for military couples. I've known people who eloped within twenty-four hours of meeting."

"Watch that be Luko," I joke.

"For real," Anisha replies with a laugh.

"Remember how you said it takes love and bravery?" I say to her. "I keep feeling stuck when it comes to the second part. How does someone get more bravery?"

Sarah shakes her head. "You can't force yourself to be okay with a situation you're not okay with. I think you either have the courage to do it and the love helps you overcome your hurdles…or it doesn't."

"You probably have a lot of latent courage," says Anisha. "Like those people who don't think they're strong and then they can suddenly lift a car off a person. Once you start pushing your limits, you'll see how much you're actually capable of."

"Maybe…" I reply. "I think if it was anything less than what Cole and I are talking about, which I'm pretty sure is committing for life, then it would be something that I would suck it up and do. Like painting, I just need to put my brush in paint and start. But I take commitment and marriage seriously, so I…I don't know if it's like a ‘try and see how it goes' kind of thing."

I finally pick up a paintbrush and start swiping some cobalt-blue paint across my canvas in broad swoops. I let it sit for a minute or two, then come back in with some titanium white, blending and mixing and making more dimensional waves.

"How's Mick?" I ask as I think about him on the aircraft carrier, bobbing up and down in the middle of the sea.

"He is so done with deployment," says Anisha. "The last month is always the hardest, it seems like it never ends. People are stressed on the ship, he's getting more and more impatient, and it's hard to maintain a good attitude. Thank the Lord he's not getting extended."

Sarah puts a lot of focus on giving some shadows to her clouds, then sets her paintbrush down. "If you could go back to the night you met Mick, and you could decide whether to go talk to him or not, knowing everything you know now, what would you do?"

"Easy," says Anisha, dropping her chin in her hand, with a smile. "I'd walk right up to him and say, ‘Hi, handsome. Life is going to suck really bad sometimes, but would you like to go through it together?'" She taps her phone to wistfully look at the lock screen photo of her and Mick. "He's my person, he's totally worth it."

Later that night, I lie in bed piecing together my thoughts of the day, thinking about Denny and Ellis, about Mick and Anisha, about how much I want to call Cole.

Love is so humbling. It's taken over my pride and plans and forced me to reckon with the limits of my selflessness and capacity for sacrifice. If I could go back and decide whether or not to meet Cole, what would I do?

Cole feels like an inevitability, like he was always meant to be a part of my story, from the moment I locked eyes with him in the liquor store. Choosing an alternate reality where I never interact with him would be battling a predestined fate, fighting a battle I could never win. I'm living in a state of war when I could enjoy blissful peace with Cole.