Chapter 12

Twelve

“ M y friends will be here this afternoon,” Cherie said as she sat down at the breakfast table next to him. “They are coming over to play a board game. And Minerva is bringing Lady Chastity.”

“Ahh.” Thomas set down his newspaper, which he had been pretending to read as his wife came into the breakfast room and dished herself up eggs and toast. “Is Lady Chastity much recovered from her trial last weekend?”

“She is much better than she was,” Cherie said. “Although still a little shaken. Actually, it was Samantha's idea that we invite her so that she would have some distraction from everything that happened.”

“That was very thoughtful of her.” He observed his wife closely. She was sitting closer to him than she usually sat at breakfast, and her cheeks appeared to be a little bit pink.

Is she unwell? There didn't seem to be any other reason that his wife would be flushed in his presence. Perhaps she got up early and went for a ride this morning? But he had never known Cherie to go riding early in the morning. Usually, she liked to sleep in.

“Yes, it was.” She fell silent, her gaze falling into her lap. There was a long moment, during which she said nothing and didn’t even eat. Then she looked back up.

“And you, Your Grace? Are you much recovered as well?”

Thomas raised an eyebrow. “I am afraid that after you used my given name last weekend, you are stuck using it now. I will not accept you reverting to formality.”

Cherie’s mouth twisted, and he was sure she was trying not to smile. “I spoke your name in a moment of heightened emotion,” she pointed out. “You cannot hold that against me!”

“Oh, but I can,” he said, smiling wickedly. “And I will.”

She laughed, and his heart sped up. The sound of her laughter had been rare ever since they had married, but he loved hearing it more than anything on earth.

“And to answer your question: yes, I am much recovered. It turns out I didn’t break all the bones in my hand, I am simply out of practice when it comes to punching villainous viscounts. My hip, as well, is healed.”

“And your jaw?”

“I won’t be eating any hard candies anytime soon,” he observed, and she smiled slightly. “But I suppose I can live without them. And you?” He leaned towards her, gazing into her eyes to try and gauge her emotions. “Are you much recovered from last weekend?”

“Me?” Cherie looked surprised. “I’m not the one that was assaulted by Lord Dawson. Nor did I have to fight him.”

“That doesn’t mean you weren’t affected by it,” Thomas pointed out. “It was a frightening ordeal for you as well. Both you and Lady Minerva suffered greatly, even if you weren’t the one who was attacked. And you both acted with great bravery.”

Cherie bit her lip. “Minerva’s sister was the one who suffered. I don’t want to put myself forward…”

“Nor have you,” Thomas said. “We have not even discussed the events of last weekend.”

And it was true. Over the last few days, Cherie had been keeping mostly to her room, except to make trips to the Berrymoore house to check on Lady Chastity, and she had been taking dinner in her room. Thomas had checked on her frequently but hadn’t yet brought up what had happened with Lord Dawson. She hadn’t seemed ready to talk about it.

“Well, I didn’t really want to think about it…” she said quietly. “I just wanted to put it from my mind.”

“That makes sense. But I think it’s good to talk about it as well.”

Cherie nodded. “I’m doing all right, I think,” she said at last. “It was disturbing, though, what Lord Dawson did.”

“Yes,” Thomas agreed heavily. “I found it disturbing as well.”

“I knew that gentlemen could be untrustworthy, of course. And I’ve had my own problems with gentlemen in the past.”

“You alluded to as much when we were looking for Lady Chastity.” Thomas waited a moment, then leaned forward. “Did something happen in the past?”

“Nothing like what Lord Dawson did,” she said quickly. “But you know, I wasn’t always a wallflower.”

“You? A wallflower?” Thomas snorted. There is no way a woman as beautiful as Cherie was a wallflower.

She raised an eyebrow. “No, really. I was.”

“But… how is that possible?”

“Several of the men who courted me early in my first Season were vile old men who were looking for nothing more than a broodmare..” Her eyes clouded with anger. “Of course, I told them I wasn’t interested and even gave a few of them a piece of my mind.”

“I’m sure they loved that.”

“Exactly,” she snorted. “They retaliated by spreading rumors that I was difficult and selfish. A perfectionist who never thought anyone was good enough for her.”

Thomas mulled this over. “You always were a bit of a perfectionist growing up,” he said, smiling slightly. “But I always liked that about you.”

She gave him an annoyed look. “Yes, well, that streak of perfectionism led me to be ostracized by most of the men of the ton , and hence being in a position to be married off to Lord Rochford, and hence?—”

“Ending up as my wife?”

She gave him a dubious look. “Well, yes.”

“The men of the ton are foolish if they fear a woman simply because she’s a perfectionist,” he said dismissively. “That reflects more on their own characters. They are afraid you will find them wanting—which you probably would—and therefore avoid you to find women of weaker characters who will tell them what they want to hear and flatter their egos. Trust me, you are better off without any of those men.”

She tilted her head to one side and gave him a coy smile. “Am I better off with you, then?”

“But of course.” He smiled widely. “I appreciate you.”

Her smile faltered, and he remembered that they were not even living as proper husband and wife.

You idiot , he chided himself. But he was determined not to let this ruin the moment.

“Those gentlemen were terrible to spread those rumors about you,” he said. “And I’m very sorry you had to experience that.”

“Thank you,” she said, very quietly.

He thought for a moment, then said, “And while it is perhaps less extreme than what Lord Dawson did, I think both are symptoms of the same disease: the disease of thinking that, as a gentleman, you are entitled to whatever you want from a lady. You heard Lord Dawson: he thought that because Lady Chastity had shown interest in him and ‘teased him’—which I know she had not—he was entitled to whatever he wanted from her. Those gentlemen who spread those rumors did the same thing: they wanted your hand in marriage, and when you expressed your own desire and said no, they couldn't bear it.”

“I hadn’t thought of it exactly that way,” she said slowly, “but I have noticed that these past few days, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how they treated me. Their words, the way they insulted me when I told them I didn’t want to marry them, keep repeating in my head. I have been surprised by how much Lord Dawson’s behavior brought up those memories. So, I think you are right: they are cut from the same cloth.”

“It sounds as if you are traumatized. And that Lord Dawson’s actions brought it up again.”

“Yes.” Cherie gave him a small, sad smile. “I think you’re right.”

It was quiet for a moment, and Thomas had to fight the urge to reach out and take his wife’s hand.

He began to eat his breakfast, an unaccustomed feeling of satisfaction filling him up. After several minutes of silence, he looked back up, only to see Cherie watching him, with an anxious, shy look on her face. The moment he caught her staring, she colored and looked back down at her plate.

“Was there something else?” he asked after a moment. It was odd for Cherie to struggle to say something. It was something he had always liked about her: she had an opinion about most things, and she was never afraid of making it known. As she’d demonstrated amply since their marriage.

“Well… yes.” Her cheeks grew pinker, and his puzzlement at her strange behavior grew as well. She glanced up at him. “My friends and I were wondering if you wanted to join us in our board game tonight.”

“Oh!” Thomas had not been expecting this, and he was a little flattered. “Are you sure you want me there?”

“Well… again, it was Samantha’s idea,” Cherie said quickly. “She thought that Chastity might be more comfortable if you were there.”

“Really?” This surprised Thomas quite a bit. “I would think my presence might be distressing for her, as it might remind her of that horrible day…”

“On the contrary, according to Minerva, she has been nothing but excited to see you again. She believes you to be the most chivalrous and honorable man in the ton , after how you saved her.” His wife’s eyes twinkled. “In fact, I think she might have a little bit of a crush on you.”

“Oh, Lord.” Thomas felt his cheeks grow pink. “I very much hope she doesn’t!”

“Why?” Cherie raised an eyebrow. “Because you’re taken.”

“And because she’s the sister of my wife’s best friend!” Thomas said, his cheeks now blazing. “And it’s mortifying…”

“Relax,” Cherie said, laughing. “I’m sure it’s nothing. Ladies just tend to get a little fond of the men who save them.”

“You didn’t,” Thomas pointed out. “When I saved you from being ruined.” He grinned as her mouth opened in surprise and then narrowed to a thin line in annoyance.

“Well, I’m not so easily duped by chivalry,” she said loftily. “I know it is more about a gentleman’s pride than his actual sense of decency.”

Thomas actually laughed out loud. “You’ll find any excuse to punish me, won’t you?” he asked lightly.

“I’m inviting you to our board game night, am I not?” she shot back.

“But that’s only because it’s Samantha’s idea.”

A teasing spark lit her eyes, and her lips parted as if to say something—but then her mouth slammed shut and she glanced away. Watching her, Thomas was suddenly struck by a thought: it wasn’t Samantha who had invited him.

It was Cherie. She actually wants me there. And not for Chastity’s sake.

It was such a pleasant thought that he found himself grinning, despite the fact she still looked irritated.

“Very well, Cherie,” he said, smiling at her knowingly. “I will come to your board game night. Just be prepared to lose.”

It didn’t take Thomas long to realize that when it came to the “Wallflowers’’ board games, there was no way he was going to win.

“ What are the rules again?” He asked for the seventh time as Lady Samantha moved her piece past his on the board. She had just answered a riddle incorrectly, and this had forced her to move back four paces. But the square she’d landed on had sent her halfway across the board, and now she was ahead of him.

How he had ended up so far along the board in the first place was a mystery to him anyway.

“Don’t worry about the rules,” Samantha said happily, as she rolled several dice in her hands. “Just do whatever we tell you to do.”

“That seems dubious,” Thomas said, frowning at her. Next to him, Lady Chastity giggled, and he threw her a small smile. She blushed and looked away.

Cherie was sitting on his other side, and he nudged her slightly. When she glanced at him, he raised his cards to cover his mouth and whispered, “She’s flirting with me.”

Cherie didn’t laugh, although she did look amused. Instead, her eyes fell demurely, and her cheeks went pink again.

Thomas frowned. What is going on with her? He’d enjoyed their mutual teasing earlier and had been hoping they would continue to banter this morning . But instead, she was acting like a shy schoolgirl. Except that Cherie had never been shy, even when she’d been a schoolgirl!

“Are you calling me a cheat?” Samantha asked, peering at him closely.

“I would never do something so foolish,” he said, winking at her. She laughed and shook her head.

“So, this is the Casserly we heard so much about,” she said, letting the die fall from her hands. They spun across the table and landed face-up on seven and two.

“Samantha!” Cherie said, her cheeks blazing. “The duke no longer goes by Casserly!”

“I’m not offended,” Thomas said, holding up a hand. “I want to know what Lady Samantha means. What are you referring to, This is the Casserly we heard so much about ?”

Samantha shrugged as she moved her piece forward another five spaces. “Cherie has told us about you,” she said. “Back before you were the duke. When you were quite a laugh—or at least that’s what she tells us.”

“My husband also speaks about this side of you,” the Duchess of Vaston said, smiling slightly. “He said you were his most amusing friend.”

“I like that my wife and best friend say such nice things about me,” Thomas said, and he nudged Cherie again. “I shall have to thank you later,” he added in an undertone. “For making me look so good.”

She blushed and rolled her eyes. “Just play the game,” she hissed back.

“I’m trying,” he muttered, as Minerva went to take her turn, and the other ladies began talking more among themselves. “But it’s a bit difficult when I’m trying to figure out what on earth is wrong with you.”

“Wrong with me?” Cherie looked taken aback. “Nothing is wrong with me. What are you talking about?”

“You’re so quiet,” he said. “I’m not used to it.”

“I’m not quiet!” she said indignantly, and he heard some of the usual sparks in her tone.

“You are,” he said. “Usually, you would be the life of the party. But now you are hardly speaking at all, and you keep blushing as if everything I’m saying were mortifying. You would tell me, wouldn’t you, if I were mortifying you?”

“Believe me, I’d have no trouble telling you if you were mortifying,” Cherie said sarcastically.

“Oh, there she is,” he chuckled. “The real Cherie.”

She folded her arms. “So what if I’m quiet sometimes? Can’t I be quiet?”

“Sure you can, I’m merely curious as to where it’s coming from. There have been a few occasions since we married when you were quieter than usual, but those times, I could feel the anger coming off of you as if it were heat from a fire. This is different. You don’t seem surly or angry. If anything… you seem embarrassed.”

There was no denying it now. Cherie really was embarrassed. Not only were her cheeks flaming, but there was a choked sound in her voice when she spoke again that reminded him of someone who was so embarrassed they were about to burst into tears.

“You were right about Lady Chastity,” she muttered. “Your presence reminds her of the horrible incident with Lord Dawson. It is for her sake that I’m embarrassed.”

But a quick glance at Lady Chastity told Thomas that his wife was lying. Lady Chastity looked perfectly at ease and was laughing at something that her sister was saying.

He raised an eyebrow. “Whatever you say, my dear.”

She blushed again, but before she could respond, the Duchess of Vaston said, “It’s your turn, Cherie!”

Cherie picked up the die and shook them in her hand, then let them roll across the table. They landed on five and eight. At once, all the ladies let out shrieks of delight.

“Lucky number thirteen!” Samantha shouted, and she actually jumped up out of her chair. “You move ahead ten spaces!”

“What?!” Thomas stared at the die. “What is happening? What are the rules of this game? ”

The ladies all laughed at him, and Cherie delightedly moved her marker forward. When she passed his, she knocked it out of the way, and it clattered to the floor. “I’m sorry, my dear ,” she said, flashing him a smile. “But you have been knocked out of the game.”

“This makes absolutely no sense,” he informed them, as he collected his marker from the ground. “Did you ladies make this game up?”

They all exchanged furtive glances, and he laughed.

“Wait—did you?” he asked, staring at each one of them in turn.

“Well… not exactly,” Samantha said sheepishly. “But the instructions were in German, and we couldn’t understand them all, so… there were a few things that we made up.”

“Including that a roll of thirteen entitles the roller to knock out any player she passes on the board,” Cherie said happily. She grinned at him, then lowered her voice. “Am I still being quiet, Your Grace? Or is this level of volume more accurate to me?”

“Believe it or not, I much prefer you forthcoming to shy,” he said, smiling slightly. She reddened again, then rolled her eyes.

“Samantha is right,” she murmured. “This is closer to the Casserly I remember.”

“You and your brother were the only people who ever really knew that Casserly,” Thomas said, a little heavily. “For most people, at least of my father’s acquaintance, the somber, version of me is much closer to the truth.”

This softened the look on his wife’s face, and she looked at him curiously. Perhaps even tenderly.

“After what you told me, that my brother was the first friend you ever really confided in, I can believe that,” she said at last. “And I’m glad that we got to know the real you.”

The real you. Thomas wondered, not for the first time, what exactly that meant: who was the real him?

Was it the surly, frustrated man who had constantly been going up against his father, trying to demand better treatment for their workers and better business practices? Or was it the fun-loving, laughter-prone, teasing gentleman who had always carried a torch for his best friend’s sister?

He certainly liked the version of himself he was with Cherie and Aidan better, but that didn’t mean it was the true him. He’d spent so long feeling angry at himself and his father to fully believe that the lighthearted, charming side of him could be the real one.

She’ll only be disappointed when she realizes that this is the real you , the voice said in his mind. For the first time, he realized how much like his father that voice sounded. You’ll disappoint her like you do everyone.

“Are you all right, Your Grace?” Thomas was startled by the voice to his right, and he turned to see Lady Chastity peering at him closely. “Are you upset that Her Grace knocked you out of the game?”

Thomas forced himself to laugh. “No, no, not at all. It’s only a game, after all.”

She smiled hesitantly, and Thomas remembered how his wife had told him how painfully shy Lady Chastity was.

It must take a great deal of effort to speak to me, being so shy and having gone through such a dreadful experience.

“Then is something else amiss?” she asked. There was such genuine concern in her eyes that Thomas felt his heart go out to the girl. Around them, the other ladies were hotly discussing Samantha’s latest move, and no one seemed to be paying attention to them.

“No…” he began, but then he paused. You have seen her at her most vulnerable , he reminded himself. Perhaps you can give a little bit back. “I was just thinking about my character,” he said at last. “Sometimes I worry I will let others down. It can be hard when people have such high expectations of you.”

“I understand that,” Lady Chastity said. “But there is no way you could let anyone down, Your Grace.” She paused. “I wanted to thank you for how you helped me with Lord Dawson. My sister keeps saying how chivalrous it was of you to help me, but I don’t think that was why you did it.”

“No,” Thomas said quietly. “It wasn’t.”

“It was because you believe in doing the right thing,” she said. “I can tell.”

“I hope I do.”

“And that’s why you won’t let anyone down,” she continued. “Because you try. No one can always do the right thing. None of us are saints, after all. But when we know what is right and what is wrong, when we can try, then we won’t let others down. Not when they can see how we try.”

“That’s very wise,” he said, looking more closely at the girl. “How are you holding up, after everything?”

She shrugged, glancing down. “I’m well enough. I think I learned a valuable lesson about trusting people. Not everyone deserves my trust just because they say the right thing when it’s easy. The people I want to trust do the right thing even when it’s hard.”

“I wish you hadn’t had to learn that lesson that way,” Thomas said. “But I have known quite a few people like Lord Dawson, and I understand how they can take you in.” He glanced at Cherie. She was laughing at something the duchess was saying. “You’re very lucky to have these women looking out for you, Lady Chastity. They are good souls, all of them.”

“And so are you,” Lady Chastity said.

He wasn’t sure he believed that yet, in his heart, but as Thomas gazed at Cherie, he knew that it was who he wanted to be.

Maybe the real me was angry and unworthy, too bitter at my father to go after what I wanted. Maybe the real me was so busy working to impress my father that I never tried to impress the only person I ever wanted. But that doesn’t mean the new me has to be as well.