Chapter 11

Andrew could not begin to imagine what had made him suggest skating of all things.

Or rather, he could.

It was something to do with the way her eyes had lit up when she'd talked about her childhood. From the way she'd spoken of it, it had been a happy one, filled with picnics and parties — and yes, skating.

She was happy then. And maybe there's a way I can make her happy again if only for a brief time.

He strode back into the house with Marian behind him, calling for Ben as he went.

"Ah, Ben," he said as the butler came hurrying forward, his brow wrinkled questioningly, "Marian and I are going to go skating on the lake. I know there are skates hidden away somewhere in this rabbit warren of a place, and I think there must be some that would fit her? Would you be so kind as to fetch them for us?"

If Ben was surprised to see his master, who was normally locked in his study at this time of day — and at all other times for that matter — suddenly talking animatedly about doing something he had not so much as thought of for many years now, he did not show it. Instead, he shuffled off obediently and before long, was back with them, two pairs of skates clutched in his hands.

"These are yours, Sir," he said, handing them to Andrew. "And I believe these will fit the young lady."

Andrew's heart contracted with grief as he recognized the skates his sister used to wear.

I wonder if I will ever stop being taken by surprise like this? If I will ever be able to be reminded of her — of them — without it causing such pain?

He shook his head to rid himself of the thought then offered Marian his arm.

"I trust you are not too tired for another excursion?" he said, smiling. "It was a very strenuous climb after all?"

"Indeed not," said Marian defiantly. "I am not tired at all, Your Grace. Indeed, I feel sure I could climb a hundred such hills and not be out of breath."

Andrew chuckled.

She is at her very best when she decides to prove me wrong.

"I can believe it," he said. "But now, I would like to see the proof."

A few minutes later, they were back beside the lake, this time with skates firmly strapped to their feet.

For the first time since this impulsive plan had come to him, Andrew wondered if it was really such a good idea. It had been a long time since he had attempted to skate, after all. And as for Marian…

Marian will do everything in her power to prove to me that she can and will do whatever she likes. Just look at her.

As if to prove his point, Marian had glided confidently out onto the lake, moving gracefully across the ice, almost as if she had been born to move thus.

"Look!" she cried in delight. "I am doing it! And it's just as I remembered, too!"

She turned to look back at him, the movement making her wobble precariously on her blades.

"Careful!" Andrew urged, going hurriedly to join her. "It might seem easy to skate, but it's also all too easy to fall, and I'd rather you didn't have to find that out."

"Oh, I won't fall," Marian laughed merrily. "Or not too much, I don't think."

With this, she wobbled again, and Andrew skated forward, his concern for her making him forget all about how he had doubted his ability to balance on the ice just a few moments earlier.

"See!" she called out to him. "It just comes back to you, doesn't it? No matter how long it's been since you last tried it, after a few moments it feels like no time at all has passed."

"All the same," agreed Andrew firmly as he reached her. "I think I must insist on taking your arm if it's all the same to you. This lake is a large one, and when it freezes, it doesn't all freeze at once. Some patches of ice are thinner than others, and the last thing I want is to have to fish you out of a hole in the ice."

Marian opened her mouth as if to object to this, but then an expression crossed her face which he couldn't quite read, and without another word, she took the arm he offered her and even leaned against it, her small body gratifying close to his.

For a few minutes, they skated quietly on, their new closeness apparently rendering them both unable to speak.

"Are you enjoying the exercise?" Andrew asked at last when the silence had become too much.

"Oh yes," Marian said immediately, her eyes shining as she looked up at him. "It's been such a long time since I did something like this. It's been a long time since I did anything other than stay at home and look after Papa, actually."

Andrew's brow creased with concern.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said softly. "And a little surprised, I must confess. I had thought a young lady such as yourself would have no end of amusements. Is that not the way of it? Has society life really changed so much since I've been away from it?"

"Oh no," said Marian ruefully. "Society has not changed at all, Sir, or not what I know of it. It's I who have changed or my father, rather."

Andrew said nothing, hoping she would go on. And, after a few minutes, she did.

"Our circumstances have been much reduced since Mamma died," she said quietly. "It changed everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm no longer a part of the real world at all but just an onlooker, watching but never participating. Do you ever feel like that?"

"I do," Andrew replied, after a short pause. "All the time in fact. Every day. Until this one, that is."

They skated on, and he wondered if he had said too much. Then she looked up at him again, her face alive with the joy of fresh air and exercise.

"This day is different from all of the others," she agreed. "It has made me remember what it was to live, rather than to merely exist."

Andrew's heart contracted with pity.

"I do not like to hear you talk so," he said in a low voice. "To merely exist… well, that is my fate, and I have long since accepted it. It should not be yours, too."

"It should not be for either of us," Marian said simply. "But so it is. There are different ways to live and different ways to exist. I fear ours are not quite so different as you might think, Your Grace."

"But you must have friends, or family perhaps, who could help you out?" Andrew replied, unwilling to accept this.

"I have no family, other than Papa," Marian said, shaking her head. "My parents were not blessed with a large family. I was their only issue. And I have no uncles or aunts, either, so you see, without my father, I am quite alone in the world."

As am I. But somehow while I can accept my own circumstances, I cannot accept hers. She deserves so much more. She deserves all the world has to offer her. And yet, here she is as trapped here as I am.

The sun still shone above the frozen lake, but Andrew felt as if the day had turned suddenly gloomy. He turned back to Marian, determined not to allow it to end like this.

"And you have no friends either?" he asked, his tone lighter than he felt. "I feel sure you must have many people who admire you?"

And not just friends either but suitors, surely. A woman such as this must have many suitors. And all of them far better suited to her than I.

"There is one person," Marian told him. Andrew's body tensed and then relaxed as she went it.

"It is my friend Charlotte," she said. "Our houses are close together, so we have known each other since we were small. We used to skate together, in fact."

She smiled, but there was a sadness to her tone that made him regret asking the question.

She must miss her, this friend. And her father too, of course. And they will miss her too of course. Perhaps enough to come looking for her. Perhaps enough to come all the way to my door in their search?

The feeling of gloom was back, like a dark cloud hanging over him. In an effort to banish it for good this time, he took Marian by the hand and spun her quickly around, making her shriek with joy — a sound that instantly lifted his spirits.

"This is such fun," Marian gasped as he spun her again. Her cheeks were rosy, and her dark hair had long since evaded her attempt to secure it and was floating around her face, making her look carefree and wild — and more beautiful than he had ever seen her.

"I'm glad you're enjoying it," he said, laughing along with her, the sound feeling a little strange as it emerged from his throat.

It's been such a long time since I had reason to laugh, I fear I've almost forgotten how to do it.

He had no need to fear, though, for before long, both he and Marian were laughing so much his sides ached. Again and again, she asked him to spin her around, and Andrew was only too pleased to comply, enjoying the sound of her laughter and the joy on her face as she spun.

"Oh, my goodness," she gasped as she came to a stop at last. "I feel quite giddy. Why, I hardly know which was is up!"

"Here. Let me help you."

Although he felt more than a little unsteady on his feet himself by this point, Andrew stepped forward and put his hands around her waist, holding her firmly against him.

"It's just to help keep you upright," he assured her, seeing the look that flashed across her beautiful face. "That's all."

"Then I thank you for your assistance, Your Grace," Marian replied, reaching out and grabbing hold of him as her feet once again threatened to slip out from underneath her. "This was so easy when we started, but now, I'm so dizzy I find it almost impossible to keep my balance."

"Then let me help you." Andrew gathered her tightly in his arms, planting his feet as firmly as he could on the slippery surface beneath him in order to hold her steady.

He expected her to object to the contact, but she surprised him by simply tilting her face up to his until she was looking directly into his eyes.

"Better?" he asked softly.

"Much," said Marian immediately. "I feel perfectly safe now, thank you."

"I appreciate your faith in my ability to remain upright," Andrew replied, smiling down at her ruefully. "Although I wish I could share it."

"You seem steady enough to me," Marian told him, nestling a little closer against him. "Although, in truth, my head is spinning so much that it's hard for me to judge. I think I can trust you to keep me safe, though."

She leaned her head against his chest, and Andrew tightened his arms around her, swallowing the sudden lump that had come to his throat.

How wonderful it is to be trusted by someone. And how I wish I could truly keep her safely beside me forever.

"Do you really trust me, Marian?" he asked, his voice sounding a little hoarse. "Truly?"

"I do," she said without hesitation. "I know you like to imagine yourself to be most fearsome, but you do not scare me. I do not scare easily."

She was looking up and into his eyes again, and the temptation to kiss her was suddenly overwhelming. Moving tentatively, so as not to startle her, he reached down and placed a hand underneath her chin, bringing her lips closer to his.

"I don't believe this will help me feel any less dizzy," Marian pointed out, making him smile once more.

"Perhaps not," he admitted, lowering his face to hers. "But maybe it's worth a try in any case?"

He looked into her eyes questioningly then, seeing her nod, kissed her on the lips, softly and slowly, savoring the sweet taste of her and the heady, floral scent which seemed to follow her around.

Unlike their first kiss when she had surprised him with her unexpected passion, this kiss was both deeper and more intimate somehow — the kind of kiss that is born of love and respect for the other rather than from a fleeting moment of attraction.

It cannot be that, though. I cannot even think the word love, let alone say it. I barely know her after all — and she hardly knows me.

As the kiss went on, however, Andrew knew this was not true. He might only have known Marian for a short time, but already he felt he knew her better than anyone he had ever allowed into his world, and he had shown her a side of himself that he had long been used to keeping completely hidden.

So, I know her; that much is true. But do I love her? Is that what this is? Can it really happen so fast?

In his arms, Marian gave a small sigh which made Andrew pull reluctantly away from her.

I cannot let this go any further. No matter what my feelings are for her — or what they may become — I cannot forget who I am: the most despised man in all of England. It would not be fair to allow her innocence to be destroyed by my reputation. I value her too much for that already.

"I think you are tired from all of this exercise," he said softly, brushing the hair back from her eyes. "Perhaps we should go back indoors?"

Marian's eyes widened in surprise, making Andrew wonder if she was disappointed that he had ended their kiss so suddenly. But the face that looked back up at him was pale and wan, and before she could reply, she was forced to unsuccessfully attempt to stifle a yawn.

"I think you might be right," she admitted, yawning again. "It's such a long time since I had so much exercise, I fear it has quite taken it out of me."

"I will have Ben escort you back to your chamber," Andrew said, offering her his arm as he prepared to lead her off the ice. "You should try to take some rest before dinner."

"Yes. That might be a good idea."

She looked up at him shyly from under her thick lashes as if trying to figure him out.

I cannot allow her to be embroiled in this sorry excuse of a life that I lead here. I can at least protect her from that.

"I will see you downstairs at eight," he reminded her as they parted ways at the bottom of the wide staircase. "Unless you should fall asleep before then. You certainly look tired enough."

Marian nodded her assent, giving him a quick smile as she turned to leave. But although Andrew waited for a full hour in the dining room at the appointed time, he did not see her again that night.