23. Resa

Chapter 23

Resa

" T his is my fault." I can barely hear myself think, let alone speak.

There's a scream erupting in my head.

My fault.

"I didn't rest. I didn't sit down. And that tree…" I swallow around the lump lodged in my throat. Did I really think slamming into a tree like that wouldn't hurt my baby? "Oh god! Why did I jump? Why didn't I just stay there? Why?—"

"Resa." Garrison is shaking me. Not hard enough to do any more than blow the odd strand of hair in my face. "Resa, listen to me. This is not your fault."

I'm not even standing.

How the hell could I not notice that?

Garrison must have moved me. I'm perched on the edge of the chair. Not… Not the same one I was in before. He's shoved the table aside, puzzle pieces everywhere. And he's crouched in front of me, his big bulk—thank fuck for his big shoulders—blocking out the stain on the chair.

One puzzle piece is dangerously close to the fireplace. Maybe a piece already flew in. How pissed would you be to spend months and months putting together a two thousand piece puzzle and learn at the end that a piece was missing?

"Resa?"

He rubs his hands briskly up and down my bare forearms, which is when I realize I'm shivering, teeth chattering together. I was literally being roasted alive by that fireplace and now I'm shivering like someone just stripped me and dumped my naked ass in Antarctica.

I refused the scan. Now my stupid fear of white coats means my baby is dead.

Why didn't I just go with Sadie to the hospital for a scan like she offered?

A tear slides down my cheek. I know I should brush it away. No weakness in front of alphas. But right now I can't seem to care about my biggest rule. "I should have…"

Garrison thumbs my tear away. His fingers sweep under my hair and his large palm settles there, cradling the nape of my neck. It's warm, not calloused like Vaughn's, but strong. I don't have any strength left in my body, so I lean into him, wanting to steal some of his.

His hazel gaze hooks mine. With the flames flickering from the fireplace, it seems more flecked with amber than usual. Like sparks of gold. "Listen to me. We're going to go to the private clinic and Sadie will see you. I'm sure she told you she would see you anytime. Did she?"

"She did." My chest is tight, more tears threatening to fall.

Please let my baby be okay. I can't lose anymore. I just can't.

Garrison nods firmly. "Then we'll go. She'll do tests and confirm everything is okay. Do you want me to carry you, or can you walk?"

I love the fact he thinks I have legs to carry me from A to B. Because right now? If someone told me that my legs had upped and left the building, I would believe them.

"I'm not…" My voice breaks. I'm not strong enough to do this.

If something is wrong, I really think this would break me.

"It will not break you."

I startle.

Please tell me I didn't say all that out loud. Please tell me I didn't just show weakness in front of an alpha.

His hand firms up on the back of my neck and the look in his eyes is determined. "Whatever happens, you will get through this and you will not be alone. I promise you that, Resa. You will survive this."

His promise is carved of solid titanium. It's tangible and so real I swear I can touch it. I grapple onto it, holding on with everything I have.

"Now, can you walk, or can I carry you?" His voice is calm. An oasis of perfect stillness.

I hate what I am about to say.

But I hate the fact I could lose my baby if I don't lean on him like I need to.

"I don't think I can walk." My voice is a breath above a whisper.

His expression never changes. "Then I'll carry you to the car. Sadie will be waiting with a stretcher or a wheelchair and I'll help you into it. Is that something you can do?"

If it will save my baby. "Yes."

"Is everything ready?" Garrison confuses the hell out of me since he's looking right at me when he speaks.

"Car ready, engine running," Vaughn responds.

We're not alone.

Vaughn is in the doorway, looking worried, his buttons haphazard, and hair the same way. His boot laces pulled up but not done up, like he dressed in a hurry. Lex is beside him, khaki green hair standing in all directions, in pj's, looking sleep rumpled. It's bright. Every downstairs light must be on for it to be this bright.

There's no sign of Blaine.

Just how long was I falling apart?

Garrison scoops me into his arms. It's not as awful as I thought it would be. He doesn't hug me against his chest; he keeps his touch almost clinical. As if he knows this isn't something I would ordinarily want.

It doesn't hit me how late it is until Garrison strides outside, Vaughn trailing us. As I peer over Garrison's shoulder, Lex lifts his hand and smiles at me but doesn't close the door. He watches, as if he wants to make sure we get to the car okay. And it's into the big, tanklike Hummer with its engine purring we climb into.

I wish I could smile back or apologize for pulling everyone from bed at what must be the middle of the night.

Our driver isn't Vaughn. He slides into the passenger seat. It's Blaine, in his usual turtleneck shirt. The city is dark and quiet, the streets mostly empty. I sit in Garrison's lap, crossways, my head resting on Garrison's shoulder, staring out at the dark city and trying not to think about if I'm bleeding onto his pants.

Every now and then, I feel the faintest touch on my back and the ends of my hair. Mostly, I concentrate on breathing and not panicking. Garrison said everything would be okay and I'm trying very hard to believe it will be.

I have no awareness of time.

It felt like we only just piled into the car, then Blaine is pulling off the main road, down a narrower one and into a parking lot where three people stand in front of a set of double doors. Bright lights stream out, illuminating them.

From the dark hair and familiar build, I know one of those people is Sadie. The other two I don't recognize. Maybe because my eyes have latched on white fabric and I can't seem to look away. My fingers grip the front of Garrison's shirt as memories snatch me into the past.

White jackets mean drugs and auctions. They make me wish all alphas weren't just dead, that they never existed at all.

The car has stopped, and the doors are open before Garrison's clipped voice lacerates my panicked brain. "The coat." His breath stirs my hair as I lean into his chest, fingers clenching his shirt, huddling, like I'm trying to hide.

From a coat.

Pathetic.

Maybe I was right to think I was mad when I screamed at the alpha outside the liquor store.

"What?" The man in the terrifying white coat frowns.

"Take off your coat," Garrison growls and I shiver at the order in his voice. The faint touch on my back is no longer a faint touch at all but a large palm. I steal a little more of Garrison's strength, hoping it will bolster my own.

The man's eyes flick to mine and without a word, he shrugs out of the coat and tosses it aside. Maybe the floor. I don't know, and I don't care. I just care that I don't have to look at it anymore.

Sadie steps forward as I lift my eyes to Garrison. "How did you know?"

"I have some limited experience with trauma," he says, so mildly I almost smile. The owner of one of the best security companies in the city has limited experience with trauma.

"Are you ready for me to move you?" he asks.

I nod.

And as he helps me out of the car, I realize I need to start paying more attention to my surroundings.

Details, Resa. Remember when we agreed details were important?

Blaine is standing at the back of the car, head swiveling from right to left, a handgun clasped loosely in his hands.

Vaughn is at the front of the beast that is this Hummer, barely visible, head also lifted. I can't see if he's carrying a weapon, but I don't for one second believe he's unarmed.

Garrison places me in a wheelchair, and the man who was wearing that hated white coat wheels me in. Sadie is on my one side and Garrison on the other. He's explaining what happened, and I'm not really listening, even though they're talking about me.

I'm probing the building I'm being pushed into, bracing myself for more white coats.

"Was she in pain?"

"Didn't seem like it. She seemed hot, then shivering."

"Could be shock. And the blood?"

"Not a lot."

"That's okay. Bringing her here was the right thing to do. You said she fell?"

No white coats appear.

The clinic isn't big. There's one main hallway and we pass closed door after closed door with glass fronts. It's the middle of the night, I remind myself. How many people are you expecting to be wandering around?

"… close to the fire," Garrison is saying. "And she got up fast."

"Dizziness?"

"No. She was pale, and she was swaying a little."

"This way." Sadie leads the way into a white room with a hospital bed, a big machine beside it, and the blinds drawn. "I'm going to do a quick check of your stats, Resa. Just like back at the house, so there's no need to be tense or worried. First, I'd like to get you into a gown and confirm you aren't still bleeding. Then we'll do a scan, check everything is okay with the baby."

I twist my fingers together. "And if everything is not okay?"

"We will cross that bridge when we get to it." Her smile is reassuring. "But I have hope."

I try to let it reassure me as the man and the woman, a nurse I think, in dark purple scrubs, help me into the bed.

Another nurse enters, carrying a pale blue hospital gown, the type with no back, and everyone except Sadie leaves the room as I change into it. My hands shake so badly that she does more of the work in helping me out of my clothes and into the gown than I do.

I try not to look at my panties when she tugs them off me, and I could cry when she says, "It's okay, Resa. This is not an alarming amount of blood."

Sadie folds up my clothes, placing them in a small white basket. I shiver, though the room isn't particularly cold.

She checks my pupils with a little torch, my pulse, and presses lightly down on my belly, eyes flicking to mine. "Any pain?"

I shake my head.

"Cramping? Now and before?"

"No."

That reassuring smile makes another appearance. "Excellent. We'll get the machine ready, okay?" She smiles more gently. "Some bleeding in the early stages of pregnancy is normal. When it is heavy or sustained, it's a concern. Nothing I've seen or heard from you and Garrison suggests this is something alarming. Okay?"

I nod, relieved she hasn't said the m-word because I can't bring myself to even think of losing my baby.

"Let's get this ultrasound to check on the baby, and I'd like to get some blood and urine tests done as well so we can get to work giving you and the baby a clean bill of health. How does that sound?"

"That sounds good." I let myself take my first real breath since I thought my life was imploding again.

"Then let's get some questions answered as we wait for this scan, okay?"

Sadie starts with questions, asking me the same questions she asked Garrison and nodding at each answer. The clinical nature of it all, calm, measured, her voice a steady staccato, slows my panicked breathing.

No, I don't have any cramps.

No pain.

I was hot before, but I was sitting next to a fireplace.

No, I'm not hot anymore. My feet are cold, but that's nothing new.

Dizzy? No. Not until I saw…

Okay. I'll try not to think about it.

Yes, I got up fast.

Happened before? Uh… in winter. My feet sometimes… Disease. Something beginning with R. I can't remember… yeah. That's it. Poor circulation.

Then it's time for the scan.

I don't think I can look if something is wrong. When I angle my head away from the monitor, my gaze clashes with Garrison.

He's standing directly outside my room, hands by his side, looking right at me.

I don't know what he sees to have him walk toward me without a word. Sadie says something. Don't hear her. I'm too busy looking at Garrison.

When he takes the hand I'm clenching in a sheet, I don't scream at him to get out.

"It's okay, Resa," he says softly, squeezing my hand. "Everything will be okay."

I squeeze his hand right back and I squeeze it tight , never taking my eyes off him as Sadie does the scan. He can't possibly know if things will be okay, but he looks like he believes it, so I try to believe it too.

Then it's over and Sadie is assuring me everything looks okay, and I should try to get some rest. But sleep feels impossible.

"Do you want me to stay?" Garrison asks after Sadie and the nurses have pulled the sheets up over me and wheeled the machine out, leaving us alone.

I want to tell him yes, but I've leaned on his strength for too long, I need to stop before it becomes a habit.

"No, I'm okay," I say, pulling my hand from his.

"Then I'll be just outside, okay? If there's anything you need, I'll be right there." He nods toward the open doorway.

I'd rather not stay in the hospital overnight, but I need to make sure everything is okay, so when Garrison walks out of my room, pulling the door closed after him, I turn my back to the door so I won't wake up and come face to face with a doctor in a white coat.

My eyes flutter closed to the murmur of Garrison's voice outside my room. I don't know who he's talking to since we left Vaughn and Blaine at the front of the clinic. I just know he's there.

Something about his presence, close enough to call out to, far enough he can't see me shivering under a cover in a room that isn't the least bit cold, makes it a little easier to sink into the exhaustion seeping into my bones.

And I hope with every breath in my body that I don't fall into a nightmare as terrifying as the reality I'm eager to escape.