11

I spend the morning poring over the crime scene report at the station. So far, wehaven'tfound any substantial leads.

The killer disappeared into the night like a ghost.

And adding to my bad mood isthe factthat my second appointment with Dr Keller is today.

I settle into the plush armchair in his office, my gaze wandering around the room as he sits down and glances at his notes.

As much as Idon'twant to be here,I'mglad Idon'thave to go straight home to my empty apartment yet. IfI'mgiven one second of quietthenthe memory ofVale'sbody will be all I can focus on.

Plus, the first session wasn't as bad as I'd been expecting. I don't want to admit it, but there's something about Dr Keller's presence that draws me in and makes me feel at ease. Almost too at ease.

As long asI can get through this without letting him see whatI'mreally hiding inside,I'llbe okay.

Dr Keller looks immaculate in a charcoal blazer over a burgundy button-down shirt. His sleeves are slightly rolled up, revealing a glimpse of his lean forearm and a silver watch.He'swearing dark jeans and polished brown leather boots.

I scan over his sharp jawline,hisdark, tousled hair, andhisdeep-set eyes.There'sa flush of heat in my veins. Damn it—can I somehow trick myself into not thinkinghe'sgorgeous?

I give a forced, friendly smile. Idon'twant to get into any conflict this time."How was your gallery opening on Saturday, Dr Keller?"

"The exhibition was wonderful, thank you."He smiles."It was nice to meet your sister, too."

I try not to grimace as I remember the conversation in the wine bar."Right."

"So, the detective has a soft spot for romcoms?"His eyes are warm, teasing. My face grows hot. There goes my tough girl image.

"Nora Ephron is an expert at conveying the human condition, okay?"I mumble.

"I'mgetting thefeeling thatyou'dlike to move on."He grins, then glances down at his notepad."How have you been since our last session, Ava?"

"Great. I've been working on a new case. Everything's going well."

I swallow. My smile tightens. Did that sound convincing?

"Anew case."His eyes rise from his notes to settle on me."Do you feel ready to take this on after the incident during your last case? I was under the impression that Captain Hawkins placed you on leave."

I raise an eyebrow. "It sounds like your question implies you don't think I'm ready."

"Not necessarily. Questions are my way of guiding you to explore your own self-reflection."

I try to stop myself from rolling my eyes at his therapy-talk."I'mprepared. If Hawkins agrees, thenthat'sall the green light I need. I need to work on this case."

"What exactly about this case is sparking such a strong reaction?"

I shift in my seat."Ican'tgive you details of an active murder investigation."

"Don'ttell me the details. Just tell me how the details made you feel."

I know exactly what I can't say.

It was the most violent, depraved thingI'veever seenandI'mobsessed with getting inside the mind of whoever did it.

"Well," I begin cautiously. "It's extremely high-profile."

"Something tells me youdon'tcare about how high-profile a case is or not."

"It would be good for my career,"I deadpan."I think weboth know I could use a little help in that area right now."

He smiles, but his words are firm."You'redeflecting from the truth."

I exhale. Maybe I need to admit a little more of the truth.

"Iguess… Ijustcan'tstop thinking about the crime scene. It was so violent. Brutal."

I skirt around the part whereI'mcompletelyfascinated by it.

Dr Keller leans forward slightly, his eyes sympathetic."Do you feel equipped to emotionally deal with investigating these kinds of brutal murders all the time?"

The question catches me off guard. Acting tough when confronted with the dark parts of humanity is just part of the job, andwe'renot supposed to question it.

"Iguess I usually just try to lock it away when it gets overwhelming."

"This might help.Let'stry something called a guided imagery exercise. Do you have a happy place, Ava?"

I suppress a laugh."A happy place?"

"Some people have a place they can visualize whenthey'rein moments of stress. A place that makes them feel calm and at peace. Can you think of one?"

I shrug."I guess so."

"Close your eyes."

I begrudgingly obey.

"Now breathe deeply. In and out."

I shrug off the idea that this is ridiculous and let the breath roll through me.

"Think of the place.Don'tjust imagine it; see it rightin front ofyou."

I nod. The picture starts to form behind my eyes. Idon'texpect it to work, but suddenlymysensesare feelinghazy.

"Now, feel it. Every sensory detail.Tell me what you see,what you hear, what youfeel."

Ibegin,haltingly. A strange sense of calm is washing over every bit of me. The words flow from me.

"I'mby the water.There are jagged rocks beneath where I sit,andthere arestorm clouds in the distance.Butit'sstill so beautiful. Something bad has just happened, but it means that a new chapter has started.I'mscared of the future, butforonceI feel truly free."

It'sthe most peacefulI'veever felt, even though I was in the eye of a storm.It'sthe place I went to be alone the day after my foster father died.

I'djust done something that would haunt me to this day. But it meant that Lily and I were safe. We were moved on to separate foster families, but I would never let that man hurt me again.

I flutter my eyes open. DrKeller'sdark eyes are holding my gaze.

His voice is a warm, rich murmur."It sounds beautiful, Ava. You can return to this visualization to calm your mind whenever the casesyou'reworking on feel overwhelming."

The image of my happy place dances in front of my eyes. Calmness washes over me. What am I feeling? The sensation takes me a second to recognize,that'show rarely I feel it. I feel safe.

I feel myself suddenly speak before I can stop myself.

"That's not why I can't stop thinking about this case. It's not because it disturbed me."

"Tell me more."

Idon'tknow why I keep talking. But part of me feels a flood of relief at finally admitting this to someone. Ididn'tevenknowI'dbeen holding it in until the words rush from me.

Maybe the tough girl act isn't working for me.

"To be honest, it was fascinating. It was almost… beautiful."

Hedoesn'tlook horrified at all. Hejustnods. The feeling that he might understand this part of me thatI'vehidden away in shame makes my heart flutter with hope.

"Keep going, Ava."

"Idon'tknow anything about art, butthat'swhat it looked like to me, in a twistedsort ofway. The symbolism, the meticulous arrangement…I looked at it, and for a moment, in all the chaos at the scene, I felt a weird sense of order."

"Have you been around a lot of death in your life?"

My throat feels tight."My parents died when I was a baby, but Idon'teven remember them. And… when I was fifteen, my foster father Harvey died in an accident."

"How did that make you feel?"

More powerful than I've ever felt before.

I'mnot ready to share that much, but I still mumble out a confession."It'shard to forget it."

His gaze remains sympathetic, and understanding. "Trauma has a way of stopping time. The past isn't gone; it's the eternal present."

But his eyes areboringso hard into mine that Ican'tlook away. Heat is building in my core.

"Beauty in darkness,"he continues."It'snot an uncommon sentiment, though society might frown upon those who admit it. Do you often see beauty in death, Ava?"

"Sometimes."

He cocks his head to the side, eyes fixed on me."But when youdosee beauty, youdon'tjust see it in death. You see it in murder."

For once in my life, I actually want to keep talking. But words are frozen in my throat.

He lifts a shoulder. "Please, correct me if I'm wrong."

"There'sno beauty in murder,"I mumble."Most are just plain stupid, meaningless acts of brutality. But this one…"

I stop myself, biting my lip.

"It"sokay to find beauty in unexpected places.Our minds are intricate landscapes, and sometimes, even the darkest corners hold a certain allure.Tell me what you saw when you looked at the crime scene."

"I can't—"

"Not the details. Tell me how it made you feel. Thisisn'ta space of judgement or shame. You can tell me anything. Everything."

I can hear myself speaking likeI'ma stranger watching myself. The part of me that holds up that wall of defense to the world is overpowered by the energy between us.

"Isaw it through the eyes of the killer,"I reply."I imagined how he did it."

The crime scene swirls before mymind'seye, blockingouteverything else. I can see every inch of it. I can almost see the killer—masked, his strong hands making light work ofVale'sbloody body, leaving the note behind that he knew one of us would find. I can feel the power that surged through his body as he cut open his victim.

I swallow hard. My voice is nearly shaking."I want to know more."

His voice is soft, encouraging. "What do you want to know?"

"Iwant to know him."

"You feel a connection to this killer.Don'tyou, Ava?"

What?

I freeze, blinking hard. My heart is thumping hard in my chest. DrKeller'saccusation seems to snap back into place, andI'minstantly hyper-aware ofall the thingsI'vejust confessed to him.

My stomach lurches with anxiety and shame.There'sa light sheen of sweat on my forehead. Why did I say all of that? How did I let him take me to this place and say it all out loud?

"No," I answer quickly. "Of course I don't feel a connection to the perp."

He leans closer. "I wouldn't judge you if you did."

It'stoo late. My defenses have slammed back up.

"You're manipulating me," I accuse.

I knowI'mbeing unfair, but I feel exposed and vulnerable,and itgoes against every survival instinct in my body.

He shakes his head."We'rejust talking, Ava. We can move onto a new topic."

"You'retricking me into saying thingsthat Idon'teven mean. You know what they call that in court? Leading the witness."

"Thatwasn'tmy intention."His dark, deep-set eyes fix on me."But if there are shadows in your mind thatyou'renot confronting, we can explore them together.You'resafe here, Ava."

No.

Panic tears through meandI jump to my feet.

"I'vehad enough of this. Enough of your therapy buzzwords. Idon'tknow why Hawkins recommended you. Therapy is supposed to make things better, not worse."

I do what I always do. The thing I know best. I escape.

His gaze is unwavering as I slam the door behind me. The air of perfectly controlled intensity about him while I freak outjustmakes me madder.

"I quit."