40. Claudia

Chapter 40

Claudia

I feel completely out of place sitting on gorgeous outdoor furniture in a lush and lovely back yard with four of the most amazing women I've ever met. Elena's talking about how she's trying for a baby with her husband, Brody, while Emily, Simon's wife, leans back and watches her toddler, Jeremy, tear around the yard while Freddie chases after him.

"Enjoy your freedom while you can," Emily says. She's smiling to herself as her little boy just barely escapes the clutches of his grandmother. "Once that kid comes along, everything changes."

"It can't be that bad, right?" Elena shrugs, sounding nonchalant. "Brody says we'll hire a fleet of nannies."

"Nannies can only do so much." Emily takes a long sip of wine. "Nannies can't take away the constant nagging worry that you're not doing enough, or that your baby isn't perfectly healthy, and somehow everything's your own damn fault."

"Girl, I think that's just your anxiety speaking," Stefania says.

Emily laughs and shakes her head. "I mean, that's probably true, but it's also a mom thing."

"Honestly, I can do with a little more anxiety in my life." Elena waves away the looks she gets. Even I'm like, what the heck is she talking about? "Life is boring sometimes. The family's not really at war anymore and Brody takes care of everything, and I guess I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life."

"I guess that's reasonable," Stefania says with a sly smile. "Or you could just, you know, get a job."

"Kill me now." Elena mimes stabbing herself in the heart. "I'd rather pump out kids than get a job."

"Oh, the horror." Stefania laughs and swats at Elena.

"Seriously, when are you getting pregnant? You and Davide have been together for a while now and we haven't heard a peep about it." Elena's head tilts to the side.

Stefania looks down at her glass. Her smile fades away and she seems pensive. I get the feeling this isn't a conversation she wants to have, and I'm about to cut in and save her, but she speaks up anyway.

"I don't think I'm going to have kids."

Everyone stares at her. I shift in my chair, feeling even more out of place than I did before, but there's no way to get up and give these women some privacy. It's nice they invited me, but I totally should not be a part of this serious of a conversation.

"When did you decide that?" Emily asks.

"I don't know. It just sort of happened." Stefania looks over at where Freddie's got Jeremy in her lap and she's tickling him while both of them laugh and roll around in the grass. "Davide never really pushed for it, and I got busy with work, and I guess one day we both looked up and were like—we're happy, this is perfect, why change it?"

Nobody says anything. I could scream from embarrassment. Not because there's anything wrong with going childless—that's totally fine, whatever someone wants is their own business. I figure it's better not to have kids than to have kids you don't want. But I can tell this is the first time these girls are hearing about it, and they don't know what to say.

Until Elena finally speaks up. "That's… sort of amazing."

"Seriously, it's amazing," Emily gushes.

And Stefania looks as surprised as I feel. "Seriously? You two don't care?"

"Why the hell would I care?" Elena looks mildly offended. "Girl, you really think I'm the type of person that would, like, force you to get pregnant just because that's what women in the mafia are supposed to do or whatever? We're not having that kind of family."

"Hundred percent agree," Emily adds quickly. "I guess I just assumed you wanted kids, but that's just my stupid bias. I think it's amazing you two decided it isn't for you and you're sticking with it."

"I'm mostly just worried about what she's going to think." Stefania's still watching Freddie.

"She'll be fine," Elena says, waving away the worry. "Mom's not stupid. She gets it. And plus, she's getting kids from me and Emily and—" She waves a hand at me. "Probably from Claudia too."

"Uh," I say, unable to make my jaw work in order to form words, because now suddenly I'm next in line to get knocked up and I'm not even married to my man.

"That's a good point," Emily says, nodding as if that's not actually an incredibly insane thing to say. "Angelo seems like the breeding type, right?"

"Uh!" I say, looking around in panic. Breeding ? Like I'm a freaking dog or something?

"She seems healthy too," Stefania muses, eyebrows pinched in thought. I swear she's about to come up and check my freaking teeth. "I bet she could carry a big old litter."

"Okay, too far!" I finally say and all three women laugh at me. I glare right back, annoyed that I somehow got teased. "I'm not even thinking about kids yet."

"Don't rush into it," Elena says, patting my knee. "Seriously, we're just kidding around."

"Kids are great though." Emily gets up and walks over to Jeremy. She scoops him up into her arms as Freddie flops down into a chair, out of breath from playing with the little guy.

"Didn't she just say how hard it was?" I mutter under my breath and Elena stifles a laugh.

"What'd I miss?" Freddie looks around. "The vibe's weird over here."

"I just told them that Davide and I aren't going to have kids." Stefania says it so casually I almost don't realize what's happening. But suddenly Elena's gripping my arm and sitting very, very still.

Freddie turns to look at Stefania—and snorts. "Took you long enough to admit it."

"Huh?" Stefania asks, blinking rapidly.

"Come on, it's obvious." Freddie looks around for support, but nobody says anything. "What, none of you figured that out already?"

"I guess we're the regressive ones," Elena says with a laugh.

"My generation fought and died for your feminist right to do whatever you want with your body, and here you three are, talking about pumping out kids." Freddie sighs, shaking her head.

"Mom, you had five ," Elena points out.

"And that's my feminist right too. Really, I thought I raised you better."

Stefania laughs and drinks, which finally breaks the tension. The conversation moves on to easier subjects: movies, TV shows, the new guards, construction going on in a few of the houses, and a million other little domestic issues. I sit back and listen, and occasionally they draw me into the conversation. As the afternoon wears on, I start to feel more and more comfortable.

I didn't have a family like this growing up—it was just me and Serena. Uncle Rodney was like a vaguely abusive caretaker more than an actual parent, and now I can see what I was missing.

There's real warmth between these people. Stefania and Emily both married into the Biancos, and maybe one day I can have that same level of familiarity—if that's where my relationship with Angelo is going, which they all seem to think it is—and that gives me hope for the future.

Though I wonder how my sister's going to fit in all this.

If she even can fit.

What'll happen once this fighting's over? And she's still an addict? I used to dream about rehab, about getting an apartment together, about starting over. And now I'm just hoping she's still alive in the next few days.

Beyond that, I don't know how we'll fit.

Serena isn't Angelo's problem. She's not the Bianco family's problem either. I'm the one that swore I'd take care of her, and I'll have to sacrifice some time with these people, but I'm not giving up on my sister, not until there's no other option.

I can imagine a better life. Sometimes, I even let myself indulge. But I always come back to the way things were, and the way things were supposed to be, and those dreams always involve her.

"Thanks for inviting me today," I tell Elena as we walk out of Emily's place together. Stefania's staying behind to help clean up and Freddie's spending more time with Jeremy. "I know my relationship with Angelo is really new and kind of weird, but I appreciate it."

"No worries, I'm glad you came. I know things got a little heavy back there." She laughs lightly and loops an arm through mine. "We're not always so intense about kids and stuff. I guess it's just that age, right?"

"I guess." I gaze across the oasis at the beautiful buildings and the quiet blocks. Shade trees blow in the breeze, their branches bending with the wind. Their shadows flex across the sidewalk. "Honestly, I just felt bad, you know? Like I shouldn't have been a part of that conversation."

Elena nods and pauses, one hand on my arm. "I don't know what you and Angelo are saying to each other. I'm guessing you're together, or you're getting close to being together, or something like that. I get that things are complicated, and there's no rush from me. But I also see the way he looks at you."

I try not to smile. "Really?"

"Oh my god, everyone sees it. You're like the only person in the world when you two are around each other. It's absolutely disgusting."

"Come on, we're not that bad."

"No, you're not, I'm just kidding around. But I know that look, and trust me, my brother's making plans for you two. Maye he's not saying them, but he's got your life mapped out in his head." She hesitates and looks a little panicked. "Shit. Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't mean to freak you out."

I wave her away and we start walking again. "Honestly? That doesn't bother me. That's weird, right?"

"Not really. I mean, maybe, but I went through something like that with Brody. We weren't together, we didn't like each other, and then suddenly… we did. And we never looked back."

"That sounds really nice."

I walk with her to the edge of the oasis and she waves as she gets into the back of a car driven by some guy with flaming red hair. Once she's gone, I backtrack to Angelo's house, taking my time. The wind's cool on my skin and I keep thinking about how comfortable it felt sitting in that back yard with Elena, Stefania, Emily, and Freddie, and how badly I want to be a part of that world.

It's weird, but I feel happy. Which should be normal, but I can't remember the last time I felt anything but anxious, scared, and nervous for the future. Being here in this place, it's like sinking into a warm bath while my favorite music plays; I don't want to lift my head ever again.

Which makes me feel guilty as hell, because somewhere out there, Serena's suffering.

I don't know how to rectify these two parts of me. There's the loyal sister, the version of me that sacrificed everything to keep watch over Serena, even through some very dark shit. Then there's this new version, a girl I'm only starting to get to know, but a girl I really, really like. If I keep walking down this path, I'm afraid I'll leave the old me behind, and that's a really scary idea.

Angelo's waiting for me on the porch. I give him a kiss and sit next to him on a bench swing. His arm wraps around my shoulders and he tugs me close.

"Your sister's really nice," I say and he laughs.

"Elena? Yeah, she's alright. I think she bases her entire life around taking care of people, and now I guess she's taking care of you, too."

"Really? She doesn't seem like the maternal type."

"Nah, that's not her style, but you don't have to be maternal to take care of others."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Sometimes you say really insightful stuff and I have to wonder if you're reading this crap somewhere."

"I'm a man of many layers."

"As I keep finding out." I lean closer and kiss his cheek. "Everyone asked when we're having a baby," I whisper, and he starts clearing his throat in surprise.

I laugh, leaning back, and I expect to see pure panic in his eyes.

Instead, he's giving me a hard, considering stare, which makes my pulse double.

"Is that something you want?" he asks, voice very quiet.

"I was kidding!" I look around, wondering if this is a prank. "You weren't supposed to react like this."

"What, does it bother you that I'm not afraid of fucking you until you're pregnant?"

"Okay, yeah, that makes more sense. You just want the fun part of fatherhood. You know, the making the baby part."

He shakes his head and leans forward to kiss me. "No, baby. I want it all, so long as it's with you."

I could die right here and now, or at least I could straddle him and fuck him into oblivion, but my phone starts ringing instead.

"Unknown caller," I say, frowning, and a jolt of worry hits me. "What if it's Serena?"

"Better answer."

I raise the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"Claudia, it's me." Uncle Rodney's voice comes down the line sounding like he's in an echo chamber. In the background, someone's shouting, and a heavy door slams shut. "Listen, don't hang up. Please, I don't have long."

"What the hell do you want?" My pulse quickens and sweat beads under my arms. "Talk fast."

"This is embarrassing, but I've been arrested. I'm in county right now. Please, kiddo, I'm begging you, please come bail me out."