Chapter Twenty-Four

I curled my fingers around the base of Amo’s erection or as far as they would go. He was very long and thick, making me wonder how he’d fit inside of me. His fingers were long and thick for fingers too, which wasn’t a surprise considering his tall frame, but his erection was on another level. I knew it would fit somehow. It was physically meant to fit, at least in general.

My thoughts quieted at the first low moan from Amo’s lips. I loved the sound. I stroked up and down his silky length, brushing my thumb over the tip. I loved exploring him.

Soon Amo began pumping his hips and his hand closed over mine, increasing the pressure. I locked gazes with him, and sucked in a deep breath at the look of lust and possessiveness on his face. Both took hold of me and sank into my heart.

When Amo came with a shudder and groan, and kissed me harshly, I couldn’t help but smile happily against his lips. Amo chuckled. I glanced up, my teeth sinking into my lower lip. He kissed the tip of my nose, surprising me, and stepped back. “Let’s get cleaned up. I’m starving.”

“Again?” I asked.

He laughed, a real, deep laugh that filled my insides with butterflies. Though I’d always found the term very disturbing. The idea that any kind of animal took habitat inside of me didn’t really conjure up pleasant images. I wished I’d known who’d thought coming up with a phrase like that was a good idea. “This time I mean food.”

“Oh,” I said, almost a little disappointed.

Amo shook his head, pushed between my legs again and kissed me hard. “Don’t worry. I’ll eat you right after the sandwiches.”

After cleaning up the proof of our activities, Amo and I returned to the kitchen. Bear watched me almost reproachfully. As if I was betraying him by letting a stranger in. Dotty was curled up against him. He hardly ever left her side anymore.

I reached for my checkered shirt but Amo held out his white dress shirt. “Take it.”

He helped me put it on. “I like you in my shirt. I still remember the basement.”

“Me too,” I said as I closed a button over my chest, but not the rest. Then I grabbed the plate with sandwiches and the salad bowl and put it down on the table. “The cutlery and plates are over there.” I motioned at the cupboard beside Amo.

He glanced at it surprised, as if he had never set a table in his life, which was probably the truth. Still, he bent down and picked out two plates and forks before he walked over to me and sank down on the bench. I took a place beside him so our legs were touching. Amo hadn’t bothered putting on anything but boxers and I enjoyed the sight of him half-naked.

He grabbed a sandwich and bit more than half of it off, before he finished the rest with another bite. I blinked. I’d prepared four sandwiches, now I wondered if that would be enough. “It’s hummus and roasted tomato chutney,” I explained.

Amo nodded appreciatively and finished a second sandwich. He glanced at me. “Aren’t you going to eat something?”

“You can eat first. I ate before you came.”

He shook his head with a frown and held out a sandwich to me. Instead of taking it from him, I bit off a chunk and smiled. Then I filled my plate with salad, and watched Amo devour the remaining sandwiches.

“I didn’t think you’d be this excited about my vegan sandwiches.”

“I’m not a picky eater when I’m starving.”

He grimaced and swallowed the last bite. “That came out wrong. Your food is delicious.”

I shrugged. “Don’t worry. I’ve heard every possible insult about vegan food you can think of. I don’t think you can say worse.”

“Living in the Falcone household as a vegan must be hard.”

I knew he meant it in a teasing way but there was underlying tension in his tone and I felt protective. “I like being a Falcone.”

“I’d prefer you as a Vitiello.”

We both fell silent. I scraped my fork over the plate and speared a single kale piece then brought it to my mouth, biding time.

“Ignore what I said,” he gritted out. He leaned back and angled his body toward me, his eyes taking me in.

“Do you want to go to bed?” I asked.

He rubbed a palm over his eyes, exhaustion taking over. “Yeah. It’s been a very long day, especially with the time difference.”

“I’ll wash the dishes. You can go ahead and get ready for bed,” I said as I got up. Amo touched my waist and pulled me against him. With him sitting and me standing we were on eyelevel. “I’ll help you.”

I smiled. “That would be lovely.”

He rose to his feet and together we moved to the sink. I began to wash the dishes and Amo dried them. “You don’t usually do housework right?”

He gave me an ironic smile. “No.”

“Spoiled.”

He picked me up without a warning, causing me to gasp and almost drop the glass I’d been washing. I put it down quickly then wrapped my arms around his neck. The way he held me, I could look down on him.

“Why does it feel as if we’ve known each other forever?” he asked quietly.

I shook my head. I didn’t know the answer to his question. It felt like we knew each other longer than we did, and on a deeper level than should be possible after only a few encounters.

I put my face against his throat. This kind of deep connection, it was something I had never considered possible to anyone but my closest family, and what Amo and I had, it went beyond that in many regards.

I blinked tiredly. I had woken at five o’clock because I’d wanted to head over to the sanctuary early. Now I could feel tiredness settle deep in my bones. And Amo’s warmth and his scent only made me more relaxed. I ran my fingers through the hair at his neck, and drew in his scent deeply.

“I love your scent,” I murmured, then yawned. “And the way your body feels against mine. And your smile. Love’s such a curious thing. No logic, no reason.” I drifted off, my words coming out garbled to my own ears. “How do you know if you love someone?”

How do you know if you love someone?

My heart throbbed hearing Greta’s words. I didn’t have an answer to her question, not one I was able to put into words. What I felt for Greta…I didn’t dwell on the thought. Greta’s body softened against me and her breathing evened out. Feeling strangely touched because she’d fallen asleep in my arms like that, I carried her over to the bedroom. I carefully put her down on her bed then turned to grab my bag from the living room. Bear stood right behind me, his body stiff and his eyes set on me.

“Come on, don’t make me hurt you,” I said firmly. He didn’t back off. Momo and another tiny dog dashed past him and hopped on the bed, then Dotty limped past Bear, made a beeline around me and stretched out in the comfy dog bed. With a glance at Dotty, Bear followed her and curled around her smaller body. I smiled wryly. I wasn’t the only one who was led around by the balls by a female. I got ready in the small bathroom, then shut off all the lights before I headed into the bedroom. Greta hadn’t moved an inch, her expression angelic as she slept soundly. This strange place in the middle of nowhere felt more like a home already than the fancy townhouse in my city—all because of the woman in my bed.

I stretched out beside her and brushed my knuckles over her cheekbone, then pulled her against my body. She curled into me with a small sigh. Her hair tickled my nose and I brushed it away then kissed her forehead.

I knew this was wrong. Greta deserved better. But this felt too good to let it go. I wondered if Greta regretted saying no to me, but given her family situation she probably didn’t have much of a choice. I definitely regretted not having the balls to cancel my wedding to Cressida, but I wanted to become Capo. I’d been willing to make a deal with the devil for it.

When I woke, Greta wasn’t in bed. Neighing and mewing as well as the sound of an engine drifted in from outside. I swung my legs out and got up then grabbed my gun from the nightstand then froze as I spotted my wedding ring beside sitting on top of a note from Greta.

I scanned the note.

I didn’t want to give this back to you last night.

I was glad she hadn’t. It would have tainted our reunion, just like Cressida’s existence tainted my life. I stuffed the ring into my bag before I searched the house for Greta then went outside, following the sounds. From the porch, I could see Greta driving a small forklift, and distributing hay bales between the stables and barns.

I leaned against the porch with a smile, stunned by what I saw. Greta was heiress to a fortune, hailed the princess of the west and here she was feeding cows and pigs and horses and picking up their droppings. She didn’t shy back from hard work. When she spotted me, she waved at me while she steered the forklift with one hand in my direction. “There’s coffee inside! I still need a bit before I can join you,” she shouted over the stuttering of the engine then she rode past me. I returned back inside and filled the waiting cup with coffee before I went outside once more. Drinking my coffee, I watched Greta in the distance as she greeted the animals one after the other, even a huge pig, and my lips pulled into a smile. This felt surreal in the best way possible. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt like smiling so often.

I never wanted a life in the countryside. I’d grown up in the big city. It was the place I felt most comfortable, and I still couldn’t imagine trading my life in New York for something like this indefinitely, but Greta’s presence made this place special. When I’d grown up, I’d always known what place to call home, my parents’ house had been my safe haven, the place I’d call home without hesitation, but since I’d moved out and especially since my wedding to Cressida nothing had truly felt like returning home. My apartment felt like an interim step, not like the final destination, and the townhouse I’d bought for Cressida and me had always felt like a stranger’s home and not one you felt welcome in.

I took another sip and Greta waved at me again in the distance, shouting something I didn’t catch, but I waved back. Then I slowly lowered my hand. This right here, this sense of calm and belonging, it was something I wanted. But a year ago turning this dream into reality had already been up against high hurdles. Now? With me being married to Cressida, it was almost out of reach.

Divorce was a no-go, an unforgivable sin, in our world. It was the only way I could ever have Greta in more than the tiny slices of time I could carve out between the Famiglia, my family and Cressida.

Divorce was something that would end my aspirations as Capo.

My belly warmed at the sight of Amo on my porch, having coffee in only his pajama bottoms.

Despite how risky our meetings were, I couldn’t imagine not seeing Amo again. I felt guilty in many ways, toward my family, toward Cressida, even toward Amo’s family. We lied to all of them in some way. But whenever I thought of ending things between Amo and me, my chest constricted with acute anxiety. One year ago, my choice had been clear, an impossible choice but one that was inevitable. Now the reasons for a certain choice in the past became less and less convincing.

I headed over to Amo once I’d fed all the animals, which took long without Jill’s help. She hadn’t asked why I’d wanted her to spend a couple of days with her sister in Reno. She knew better than to ask too many questions.

With a bright smile, I took the hand that Amo held out to me when I ascended the wooden steps. We walked inside and had breakfast, though seeing Amo in his state of undress my body had a very different hunger.

“How about you give me a detailed tour of the farm? We can hardly do a trip somewhere else.”

I knew many places I would have liked to show Amo but he was right. This wasn’t an option. And it touched me that he wanted to get to know more about my sanctuary.

“Just let me get dressed quickly.”

I bit my lip. “You don’t have to put on clothes for me…”

Amo chuckled, leaning over and cupping my neck to pull me in for a kiss.

His phone beeped, forcing us apart, and he glanced down, his mouth tightening.

“Anything wrong?”

He shook his head, with a forced smile, and quickly shoved the cellphone into his pajama pocket.

“Your wife?”

He rose to his feet, his smile still not the one he usually had around me. I’d seen it on his face when he’d interacted with others, though. “Let’s enjoy the day.”

I didn’t push him, because I didn’t really want to talk about her either. Even though she knew Amo wasn’t faithful, I felt bad for what we did. I touched his lips with my fingertips when his forced smile remained. “I prefer your real smile. You don’t have to pretend for me, okay?”

Amo’s eyes softened and he finally stopped smiling. “Few people would realize there’s a difference.”

“I do, and I only want your true emotions. You don’t have to force anything.”

Amo kissed my fingertips. “I won’t let anything ruin today. So let’s get ready so you can distract me.”

First, I led Amo to the paddock where I kept most of the horses and donkeys. I climbed up on the first board of the fence to get a better overview and pointed out the different horses to Amo. “This is Ruby.” I pointed at a copper mare. “When I got her eight months ago she’d never seen daylight in the three years of her life before. She was in a miserable state and look at her now.”

Amo nodded slowly but his gaze rested on me. I didn’t quite understand his expression, only that it made me feel incredibly seen and… maybe even loved. I pointed out a few more animals and Amo listened without interrupting me. He gave me the feeling as if he was really interested in everything.

After a while, he stopped looking at the paddock again and instead watched me with an expression that filled my body with heat. I turned and perched on the highest board. “Am I boring you?” I had been talking about my animals and all their backstories and special needs for a ridiculously long time.

“Not at all,” he said in a low voice that sent a shiver down my back. He stepped closer and between my legs. He cupped my cheek and tilted my face up for a kiss. Soon a simple kiss became so much more and it felt as I might burst into flames soon.

His hands roamed my body, my hips, thighs, my back, but never where I wanted him. I arched toward him, wanting more. Amo growled against my lips and slid his palm along my inner thigh until his fingers teased the edge of my panties.

I wrapped my legs around Amo’s waist and he lifted me off the fence, his lips finding mine for a searing kiss. His fingers stroked along my ass then between my thighs from behind. When he reached my tender flesh, I moaned, eager for more of his touch. I clung to him, my kisses becoming uncoordinated as his fingertips teased me from behind. Soon his finger slipped in and out of me again while he held me up. It felt incredibly intense like this with our bodies flushed and my weight bearing down on his finger.

There was still a slight discomfort but my arousal overshadowed it. I began to rotate my hips in a gentle up and down motion as our kiss became deeper, more sensual. My grip on Amo’s shoulders tightened as my walls began to spasm. I rocked harder, rubbing my clit against his abs as his finger moved slowly but deep inside of me. It felt as if a knot was tightening in my core, ready to snap. I cried into his mouth as my orgasm shot through me, a wild foreign sound coming from my lips. The knot burst, sending a wave of lust through my entire body.

I sagged against him as the most violent waves of my release had passed and basked in the gentler prickling between my thighs. I’d known passion could manifest loudly, had on my occasional wanderings through the mansion overheard my parents or other family members having sex, but experiencing the sensation was something utterly intoxicating.

I still longed for more. Maybe I still felt like this might end any second, it still felt too surreal to be true. I wanted to feel more, experience more. I wanted to experience everything with Amo, was terrified that it might not happen because someone would discover our secret and rip us apart forever.

“Amo.” I kissed his neck, then cheek as he carried me toward the house. My grip on his shoulders tightened further and my belly coiled with anxiety. “I want you to make me yours. I want to sleep with you.”

My pulse raced in my veins, and I felt a little nauseous with nerves. I knew I wasn’t ready for this step yet, but I’d rather do this now, before I was ready, than not at all. I wanted this with Amo. Only Amo.

Amo’s body became very tight, his fingers digging into my waist as he froze on the porch. Apart from that he didn’t react in any way. Finally, he pulled away and I leaned back too so I could see his face as I clung to his waist.

“Are you scared this is our last encounter?”

I was scared. Our life was based on so many frail lies, it was only a matter of time when they would come crashing down on us. What if we never got to say goodbye? Or would we figure out a way to reunite, no matter the cost?

“I don’t know.”

Amo swallowed, his finger brushing over my cheekbone as he carried me into the living room and sank down on the sofa with me on his lap. “We’ll see each other again, I swear, and we’ll enjoy each other every time, but I swore myself one thing, I won’t sleep with you.”

“Why?” I knew he wanted it. I knew he was holding back.

“Because you deserve to have your virginity taken on your wedding night and not like this.”

“That’s an old-fashioned, archaic view.”

“And I’m an archaic man when it comes to you.”

“But then you’ll never take my virginity.”

He cupped my cheeks, staring deeply into my eyes. “Eventually this boundary will fall too, as all my good intentions have toppled over, but let me try to be honorable with you for as long as I can.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to be honorable. It’s my choice.”

“You deserve so much better. You deserve to be worshipped like a queen.”

“Don’t you worship me?”

“You are a queen in my eyes. My shadow queen.”

“I’m gladly your shadow queen. I don’t need the light.”

“But you deserve it.”

“Make love to me.”

Silence settled around us. To make love you had to love. We’d never admitted our love for each other. Maybe because it would have been like salt in an open wound.

“Greta, I swore I’d not do this. I already went too far, farther than I promised myself.”

“Amo.”

“You deserve to give this to your husband.”

“You want me to be with someone else.”

“No,” he growled, fierceness twisting his face. “You are mine, only mine.”

“And are you mine?”

Amo touched his forehead to mine. “Every part of me that matters, my soul, my heart, my love, is yours. It’ll always be yours.”

“That’s enough for me. Make love to me Amo.”

I saw the conflict in his eyes but also desire and longing. He wanted this, we’d both wanted this for so long.

“Not yet,” he murmured but his voice was becoming less convincing.

I smiled against his mouth. “Okay.” Deep down I knew it wouldn’t have been the right time, not yet, but eventually it would come.

We kept kissing and I didn’t want this moment to end. I wished we could conserve it, until our next encounter.

When Amo left the next day, our goodbye hurt even worse than the previous time. Maybe because no end was in sight. After a deep breath, I got to work in the stables. Life had to go on. I tried to focus on the good: my animals, my family, ballet, and not on the part that was missing: Amo.

Over the next few months Amo managed to visit my sanctuary every three weeks. It wasn’t enough. It was better than nothing. It was safer than to meet more frequently and to risk someone getting suspicious. It was… hard.

Lying became second nature. My anxiety when I looked at my brother or father or mother and lied without hesitation never ceased, and I took it as a good sign. I didn’t want deceit to leave me cold. I wanted to feel anxious when I betrayed the ones I loved. I didn’t want this to become normal, even if it was part of my life for now and the unforeseeable future.

This meeting felt even more potent, because it was early December and possibly our last meeting this year.

“I’ll try to come here between Christmas and the New Year. I wish I could spend Christmas with you,” Amo murmured against my temple as we lay in bed after a delicious make-out session that had my core still throbbing from the aftermath of two orgasms. I could never get enough of Amo’s lips and tongue between my legs. Amo’s resolve was still strong and we hadn’t taken the next step. We enjoyed each other without sex, but I longed for an even deeper connection. I wasn’t sure if sex would provide it.

“I know you’ll be busy with your family over the holidays, just like me.”

I loved Christmas, the decorations—though some of the flashing lights that Gemma and Savio put up gave me vertigo—the food, the cheer. Our Christmases were always wonderful, but I knew this year, even worse than last year, I’d miss Amo. Christmas was meant to be spent with your loved ones…yet, he was thousands of miles away.

I didn’t want to think about it now. I tilted my head up and pulled Amo down for a kiss, my tongue sneaking in. Amo’s fingertips brushed along my spine before he cupped my ass cheek possessively. Our touches became more urgent.

Amo’s phone rang and he straightened with a groan then began fumbling in his pocket for his phone. Once he’d managed to pull it out, he slanted a look at the screen. “Maximus. He probably wants us to meet for drinks.”

I bit my lip. I wished I could meet Amo’s best friend. I wished I knew more about his daily life than what he could share with me. He told me more than he probably should, considering our families’ problematic relationship.

He answered the call and instantly his expression tightened and his body became tense. “Where?” He nodded as he lifted me off his lap and stood. He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not in New York right now. I’ll try to come over as quickly as I can but I don’t think I can be there before tonight.” Amo listened to something the other man said, then gave a sigh. “I’ll deal with my father. Be careful and don’t do anything stupid. I know this is personal but you need to keep a cool head.”

He lowered his phone and his expression became regretful as he regarded me. He knelt on the bed and kissed me. “I’ll have to leave immediately. I fucking hate it but my friend and the Famiglia need me.”

“It’s okay. You’re going to be Capo soon. You need to be there when it matters.”

Amo nodded once, gave me another kiss and rose to his feet.

I watched as Amo got dressed, put his gun holster on and stuffed his belongings into his bag while he talked to the pilot of the private jet rental. After I’d draped a bathrobe over my shoulders, I followed him outside onto the porch.

Of course, I’d known that Amo would have to leave soon—tomorrow—but our time together was so limited that being deprived of a night and several hours hit me hard. I tried to hide my emotions, not wanting Amo to feel guilty. Amo had responsibility in New York.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me gently. “I’ll come back as soon as I can. Maybe I can somehow free up a night before Christmas. I don’t want to wait longer.”

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Two weeks felt like eternity, though I knew I’d find something to keep me busy with.

Amo took a step back then another before his expression turned resolute and he turned on his heel and got into his car. I sank down on the step when he drove off, feeling a strange emptiness. Soon Bear, Dotty, Teacup and Momo joined me and I patted them as I stared off into the distance.

When Amo and I had first agreed to meet in secret, it had seemed like a decent solution. We both couldn’t have a serious relationship, for more reasons than I liked to think about. I buried my face in my hands. It had seemed so easy, but switching my emotions on and off was becoming more difficult every day. My life was divided, into my time with Amo and the rest of my life. A life always partly on hold. A life full of lies, deceit and longing.

I wasn’t sure how much longer I could live like this, but I knew I couldn’t live without Amo either. Just thinking about it made my heart ache in the worst way possible.