21. Charlie

21

Charlie

The bell over the clinic door rings out. My sensitive ears cause me to wince. Everything has been more sensitive lately, and my body is exhausted and heavy. The smells have turned my stomach so quickly that I’ve thrown up multiple times trying to make sourdough because the smell overwhelms me.

As shifters, we don’t get sick, but this new poison we’ve had to deal with has me nervous. It’s probably stress from the mate bond and not being near Jackson. However, I’ve spent every day at the Lodge since I moved back to my condo. I can’t help it. The bond seems to demand we be close. My anger over his words is dissipating, and honestly, the sickness has made it hard to focus on anything but not throwing up with every loud sound or smell.

“Charlie!” Emma’s voice, though unintentionally loud, is a welcome sound. She steps out of the hallway into the front entrance of the clinic. “Oh no, hun, was I too loud?” Her voice drops to a soothing whisper, a balm to my frayed nerves. The softness of her voice, a stark contrast to the harshness of my current state, sends a surge of comfort through my body.

“Come on, we’ll head to room one, and I’ll shut the door to keep the noise out. Not like it’s that busy; I mean, you all seem to be so healthy.” Emma’s continuous chatter, a gentle stream of words, guides me to room one, providing a much-needed distraction from my discomfort.

Seated in the corner, I avoid the rustling of the paper on the medical table. Emma slips to a stool and opens a laptop. “I’m just gonna get a file made for you, and we can begin.”

I hum a response and watch as she quickly taps at the computer. Finally, I break the silence by saying, “Thank you.”

Her eyes are wide and surprised, “For what?”

“For saving Holly, saving Anna. For staying.” My words are a whisper, a confession of gratitude. When she first arrived, she had wanted to run, to escape the truth of our existence. I’d gone to her house, my heart heavy with the weight of my best friend’s life. I know what it feels like to be on the outside, to be different. I had hoped my words, my plea, had resonated with her. It seems they did, and now she’s the pack hero.

“You’re welcome,” she says softly, “And thank you for helping me.”

I nod.

“Okay, tell me, what’s going on?”

What a loaded question. My mind tries to work through everything that’s happened in the last few days, and tears well in my eyes. Every broken part that I have taped together starts to pull away. “Well, I—” I shake my head, trying to dislodge the sadness that always clogs my throat.

“I’m Jackson’s mate,” great start, Charlie.

Emma nods; she is recently mated, so she would get that.

“Um, but a few days ago, I heard him say something that hurt me, and I moved out. Now, I’m sick.”

“What kind of sick?” I watch as she types something into her computer.

“Well, I think it’s from the stress of leaving… but I don’t sleep. Sounds hurt, like my body jerks with loud bangs or anything. Then the smells, god, the smells. I can’t handle sourdough right now. It smells so terrible.” I cringe remembering the two loaves yesterday and having to throw up after. “My exhaustion is next level, probably due to the sleeping issue.” The list seems insurmountable, and the tears fill my eyes again, and the final truth slips out, “I miss him.”

“Jackson?” Emma asks, not breaking contact with her computer.

I shake my head.

“Miss who then?” Her eyes jump to me.

“My brother.”

Her brows lift in surprise. “Where is your brother?”

“He’s dead.” The words fall out of me—this is the first time I’ve said them out loud.The echoed truth ricochets off the white, sterile walls of the office. Emma stares at me. Are the ceilings coming down? It feels like the room is getting smaller with every tick of the clock.

Emma stays quiet, which makes the emotions more acute, “He died saving me. I killed him, Emma. I killed my brother. He would still be here if it weren’t for me. He…he…he was all I had.” The sobs and tears cascade down my face now, and Emma presses up and pulls me into her arms.

She holds me while I fall apart. Gently, she runs her hands through my hair, soothing me. I stutter in a breath and my wolf whimpers.

“I got you. Do you want me to call Jackson? I don’t know much about mate bonds, but I know he’ll feel this, Charlie. He’s going to be so worried.” Her words are a stabbing truth that pulls more anguish from my body. I never wanted to hurt my mate, but just being associated with me is going to cause him more pain.

“I hurt everyone I love.”

“Oh no, Hun. I have you, I’m here.” Emma keeps holding me while I grieve for everything I can’t have.

My brother will never be mine again. Jackson can’t be mine. This Pack is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and if I stay, I will ruin it, too.

Finally, as the tears abate, Emma pulls back. There is a big wet spot on her blue scrubs, and I cringe. Her eyes flick to her shoulder, and she shrugs, “It’s okay, but I think grief therapy should be in your future.” She tries to make a joke as she wakes her laptop back up from my meltdown. “Maybe we can start a grief support group.” Emma taps the pen to her mouth as she thinks about it.

Grief seems like such a small word to the sea I’ve been sailing for four years. “I’m okay,” I say. The reality is that nothing is okay. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay again, but this is my life. I was never meant for fairytales or happily ever afters. I pluck a tissue from the box next to Emma and try to wipe the emotions away. Bury them behind the mask that says, ‘I am fine,’ because that’s the best I can do.

“Alright, let’s touch on the grief in a bit. The exhaustion and sensitivity are things I want to look into. Can I take some blood and urine samples?” She asks.

I nod. The next thirty minutes pass as if I didn’t just tell my entire life story to her. She takes labs; apparently, her office is state-of-the-art and can get scans back rather quickly. We chat about Holly and the new mate bond between her and Hunter. Emma seems more relaxed now, more herself as we chat, and I love that she’s found a home here.

She leaves the room when a beeping sound comes from the lab. I wince at the sound; my wolf won’t stop listening to every slight sound.

‘Can you stop being so alert?’ I ask her through the bond.

‘No, we need to stay aware if we’re not with our mate.’ As if to prove her point, I feel my skin bristle when Emma walks back into the room.

Emma scans a set of papers and looks at me, “Are you sure you don’t want Jackson here?”

‘I would, ’ my wolf says.

“What did you find out?” The thoughts of how broken I am fills my mind as Emma sits back on her rolling stool.

“You’re pregnant, Charlie.”

My head is shaking. Tears flood my eyes as my hands pull to my stomach.

‘Did you know?’ I ask my wolf.

‘Of course, I knew; that’s why we are on high alert, especially now that we are not with our mate.’ My wolf seems to be impatient with me.

“I need to tell Jackson…”

Emma nods slightly, “Do you want me to call him?”

“No, I’ll figure it out.”

Emma’s hand lands gently on my knee. “What you told me earlier about your brother can be between us, but I’m going to say this: talking about him and sharing your memories of him will help the grief come out. It’ll help you heal and not hold on to that pain. You’re worth loving, Charlie. Your grief is just the love you’ve kept bottled up. Grief just means you loved so deeply it imprinted on your soul like a phoenix. Sometimes the best way to let it go is to burn and start again.”

My eyes are solely focused on Emma’s hand on my leg, and I watch as a tear slowly splatters against my jeans.

Then the truth of what happened that night comes tumbling out, everything from the Auction to being sold. To my brother’s bloody, lifeless body lying in the mud as I drive away. I never look up from her hand; she doesn’t say anything as she listens.

Finally, a knock at the door breaks the silence that has settled over the room.

“Charlie? Charlie? Let me in, little mate.” Jackson’s words bring a fresh set of tears to my eyes.