19. Charlie

19

Charlie

I only stayed with Holly that first night. I decided it would be better for her if I moved back to my condo. I've kept to my pre-Jackson routine; I go to the bakery, cry, and bake. Today, I brought back some Macarons to the Lodge. I promised to bake cookies with Clover and Kyler, but I didn't keep my promise, so I planned to spend the afternoon with the pups on the lawn. The weather has cleared, and it's been sunny all day.

The rays do little to pierce through the Eeyore-like cloud that hovers over me. I haven't slept well since I moved back, and my wolf whimpers through most of the night. I don't blame her; we were safe with Jackson, and we're back to being alone. You'd think I could hide my emotions better after years of practice, but I just can't smile. I hope the pups alleviate some of the sadness and I get a break from the misery I am drowning in.

The thought of returning to Umbra floats through my mind as I trek to the Lodge. I'd be helping everyone, but a tiny part of me thinks of this as home, and the thought of going back to Umbra, back to Ax, scares me. Scares me too much to give it more weight.

I'd also have to figure out how to shake my shadow. Killian has stayed nearby, but we haven't spoken. He shows up at the bakery every morning. I have no idea if he's there all night. All I know is the nights are long. The darkness inside me seems to swallow any possibility of happiness. Lola tried to ask what happened, but there were no words. My voice is hoarse from crying from fighting. My strength is starting to tear away little pieces of myself, and the idea of surrender sounds easier now.

I let out a big breath as I stare at the Lodge. The massive building looks like a castle built along the cliffs, a White Castle holding my white knight. I know he's in there. I can almost feel his eyes, but some sick part of me needs to be close to him.

Making my way around the house, I throw the blanket onto the fluffy green grass. Clover comes running down the large hill, Kyler on her heels. Their screams and smiles are a slight distraction from my thoughts as I glance back at the veranda.

"Did you bring us those fancy French cookies you told me about?" Clover's words come out in quick pants as she skids to a stop and flops her body down on the blanket. Kyler is not as graceful and collides with Clover.

"Sorry, Clov," he mumbles as she pushes him off of her.

The sassy attitude she wields has her flicking her red curls over her shoulder as she says, "Be more careful, Kyler! Gah."

I laugh—the first full laugh I've had in days, weeks? I don't know. Time has passed slowly. I know that Jackson has been busy dealing with the Pack. Rumor has it that Emma finally created a cure for the poison that got to our wolves. Holly and Anna should be better soon. I wish I could've gone to the clinic and visited them, but the idea of running into Jackson was too much. The thought pulls a whimper from my wolf.

"Why are you so sad, Ms. Charlie?" Clover's voice is concerned as she tilts her head to the side. Her beautiful auburn hair falls haphazardly around her tiny body.

"Sometimes grown-ups have sad days. I hope mine is better now that I can spend it with you." I boop her nose and a sly smile takes her face.

"Ms. Charlie, I want this cookie," Kyler says, pointing to a purple Macaron with a blueberry flavor. Baking these treats was a wonderful distraction from my life. Though I can't stand the cookies, they are too soft and have the wrong texture.

"Sure," I pull the cookie from the tray and watch Kyler slowly bite into it. His face instantly turned to disgust. I hide my grin behind my hand as he spits it back out.

My wolf says, 'I feel the same way about these cookies, little pup. '

I laugh again.

"Yuck," he says while throwing the remainder of the cookie across the lawn. I watch the small chewed morsel fly, and that's when I see him. Jackson standing on the veranda watching me.

'I guess my shadow let him know I was here.' I say to my wolf.

She growls slightly. Out of the two of us, this separation has been harder on her. She had started to feel something close to safety, and now we're back on edge. Everything seems to trigger a response from her.

Worry begins to churn in my gut. I'm not ready to face him. He doesn't know the hurt that his Alpha bark was so similar to Ax's that my body shut down. I know how to survive if I turn everything off, including shutting him out. I just couldn't survive the pain, so I stopped.

I swallow hard and reluctantly pull my eyes back to Kyler and Clover. Clover has a cherry-flavored cookie and tentatively takes a bite only to have the same expression. This time, I can't help the light laughter that pulls from my gut.

'The children are cute today,' my wolf says. I hum in response. 'Our mate watches us. Perhaps we should leave? '

'Let's finish here, and then we can put some distance between us again. Distance is safer—safer for him, for our Pack. '

Referring to Solaris as my Pack is a bittersweet thought. This place has been my home despite the turmoil I've been dealing with. I would gladly lay my life down for any of the Pack members. My eyes slide to the small children talking animatedly on the blanket. These pups are mine. These people, my friends, Lola, even Jackson, are mine.

A tear crests my lashes as I think about losing all of them to save them. The reality that I destroy everything I love pulses through me, and I quickly try to plaster on a smile and dash the moisture from my cheeks. Immersing myself in Kyler and Clovers' conversation, I hear them arguing over the best cookie flavor.

My eyes skirt up to Jackson every few minutes. I feel the weight of his stare, but one thing is sure: I'm the problem—I was always the problem—and I love him too much to make him choose me or the Pack.