CHAPTER 42

west

P alms against the wall, I closed my eyes as scorching water burned down my body. No matter how hot it got, it didn’t chase away the chill in my bones. And it had nothing to do with the weather.

I spiraled. Everything was out of control. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d kissed Jackson, and it felt… nice. Good? Maybe?

I felt something—something I hadn’t felt in practically a lifetime. Something I hadn’t anticipated feeling ever again.

Arousal surged through my body in uncomfortable waves that set my nerves on fire. Good or bad, I couldn’t tell. I was too overwhelmed by it all. Just the water rolling over my skin was torturous.

My dick was painfully hard—standing at full attention like it wanted something from me. I had no control over it. No chance of making it go down.

I couldn’t remember the last time it fucking worked.

And I didn’t know what to do with it. With the guilt. The shame.

Why the fuck did I even feel this way? I was in over my head. My body wasn’t mine to control, and I hated it .

Kissing Jackson had been one thing but this? I didn’t want this. I wasn’t even sure I wanted that kiss—my brain was all fucked up—but I didn’t want this.

This was normal. It was supposed to be normal.

I tried to push that thought to the front of my mind—to justify that this was okay—but the dark thoughts kept taking over everything. It clawed through my head. The familiar edge of panic dug its way into my chest, and I drew in a sharp breath.

I just wanted it to go away. To not be a thing.

I just wanted to be okay.