Chapter 18 - Jade

Guilt is a damn heavy thing. It sinks into your bones, sets up camp, and makes itself at home until it’s all you can feel.

That’s where I am right now—drowning in it. Every time I close my eyes, I see Patrick’s lifeless body, feel the weight of his death pressing down on my chest like a boulder. If I’d been stronger, if I’d practiced more, maybe I could’ve saved him.

Maybe. But maybes don’t change anything, do they?

The exhaustion? That’s a whole other beast. Every day, I push myself harder. Forcing magic to come when it doesn’t want to, trying to get stronger, faster. The thought of another demon showing up while I’m not ready keeps me up at night, and I’m paying the price for it. My hands shake, my vision blurs at times, and Penny’s questions are getting harder to answer.

And yet, through it all, Damien’s there. Picking up the pieces I leave behind like he’s some kind of walking glue stick, holding my shattered edges together.

“You’ve got to rest, Jade,” Damien says for the hundredth time today as he enters the room with Penny on his hip. “You can’t keep running yourself into the ground.”

“I’m fine,” I lie, not bothering to lift my eyes from the spell book in front of me. The truth is, I’m anything but fine. The words on the page blur together like alphabet soup, and I rub my temples, willing the headache to disappear.

Damien gives me a look. The kind that says he knows exactly how full of shit I am. “You’re not fine. You’re overworking yourself, and it’s going to catch up with you.”

“I don’t have a choice,” I snap. “If I don’t get stronger, what happens the next time something like that shows up? What if… what if it’s Penny who needs saving?”

Penny’s big brown eyes flick up at me as she clings to Damien’s shoulder. “Mama, are you okay?” Her voice is soft, full of that innocent concern. She may not understand what’s happening, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know it’s serious.

I force a smile, and the guilt twists deeper. “I’m fine, sweetie.”

“You keep saying that,” Damien mutters, then sets Penny down gently before walking over to me. He doesn’t say anything else, just reaches for the spell book and closes it with a firm snap before pulling it out of my reach. “That’s enough for today.”

“Damien—”

“Enough,” he repeats, and his voice takes on that alpha edge that makes my back straighten despite myself. “You need rest. Not another spell. Not more practice. Rest. You’re no good to anyone, least of all Penny, if you collapse from exhaustion.”

He’s right, but admitting that feels like giving up. I press my palms into my eyes, trying to block out the ache in my head. “I just… I can’t shake it. I couldn’t save him.”

“You saved two other people, Jade.” He sits down next to me on the couch. “You can’t save everyone. Patrick… Patrick’s death wasn’t on you. It was the demon.”

I snort bitterly. “Yeah, well, tell that to my brain. It’s not exactly taking the night off.”

Damien places a hand on my knee, and the warmth of his touch seeps through the fabric of my pants, grounding me in a way I don’t want to acknowledge right now. He’s being kind and understanding, and that just makes the guilt even worse somehow.

“I’m serious,” he continues. “You’re doing everything you can. More than anyone else could. But you’ve got to stop trying to carry all of this alone.”

I glance at him, and my walls threaten to crumble. “I’m not trying to carry it alone,” I argue, even though we both know it’s a half-truth at best.

“You are,” he says, not unkindly. “But you don’t have to. I’m here. We’re in this together, remember?”

Before I can respond, Penny toddles over and climbs into my lap with her toy wolf. “Mama, are you sad?”

The innocent question breaks something inside me. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close, and bury my face in her soft hair. “No, baby. I’m just tired.”

Damien watches us. “She’s been asking about you, you know. Wondering why you’ve been too busy to play.”

Another pang of guilt stabs at me, and I press my lips to Penny’s forehead. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’ll make more time, I promise.”

“You don’t have to promise her anything right now,” Damien tells me. He stands and moves toward the kitchen. “How about I take care of dinner, and you two relax?”

I raise an eyebrow. “You’re going to cook?”

“Don’t sound so surprised,” he tosses over his shoulder with a smirk. “I can make a mean spaghetti. Just wait.”

Penny giggles, and the sound lifts something heavy from my chest, if only for a moment. I smile down at her, brushing a stray curl from her face. “You hear that? We’re getting fancy tonight.”

She beams up at me, and her tiny hands rest against my cheeks. “Yay! I love ‘ghetti!”

As Damien busies himself in the kitchen, I lean back on the couch, letting the tension in my body melt just a little. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t have to carry this alone. The thought scares the hell out of me—letting someone else in, trusting them to hold the weight. But looking at Damien, the way he moves around the kitchen like it’s no big deal, the way Penny’s eyes light up every time he speaks… maybe it’s worth the risk.

For now, I’ll let him take care of dinner.

I settle back on the couch with Penny still snuggled in my lap. I glance over at Damien, watching him move around the kitchen with a kind of confidence that shouldn’t be as attractive as it is. He’s so calm about everything. Even when I’m falling apart, he just… holds me together without making a big deal out of it.

“Damien?” I call out softly, trying not to disturb Penny, who’s half-asleep in my arms.

“Yeah?” He turns to face me as he stirs a pot with one hand, looking every bit the domestic alpha I never expected to see in my lifetime.

“Why don’t you stop me? From using my magic so much, I mean. I know you need me to protect your pack, but… even though my name is cleared now, you know the other shifters still don’t like witches. If you wanted to, you could put your foot down. You’re the alpha, and I’m… well, I’m a witch. Isn’t that supposed to go against every fiber of your shifter instincts?”

He stops what he’s doing and rests the spoon against the edge of the pot as he turns to really look at me. There’s something in his expression, something deep and unreadable, that makes my heart skip a beat.

“Jade, I couldn’t stop you from protecting the people you care about even if I tried. That’s not who you are. You’d fight tooth and nail for anyone you love, for Penny, for the pack… for me.” He pauses, and his eyes soften as they meet mine. “And I don’t want to stop you. I want you to feel free. When you use your magic, you’re in your element. I’ve seen it. You feel alive, Jade. And if that’s what makes you feel like yourself, then who the hell am I to take that from you?”

His words sink in, slow and steady, and it’s like he’s peeled back a layer of myself I didn’t even know I’d been hiding. He sees me, truly sees me, and for the first time in a long time, I feel understood. Not judged, not feared, but accepted.

“Damien…” I don’t even know where to start. “You don’t… I mean, no one’s ever seen me like that. No one’s ever wanted me to just… be.”

He turns off the burner before he saunters back into the living room and sinks down beside me. His hand finds mine with that same quiet assurance before he declares, “That’s because no one’s taken the time to look, Jade. I have. I see you. And I’m not afraid of your magic. I’m not afraid of you.”

His words settle into the cracks of my heart, the ones I’ve tried to patch up on my own for years. And suddenly, it’s like the dam breaks. Everything I’ve been holding back—the fear, the guilt, the worry—it all comes pouring out.

“I’m scared, Damien,” I admit. “I’m scared of what’s out there, of what I can’t control. I’m scared of losing myself in the magic, of not being able to protect Penny… of not being enough.”

I expect him to say something comforting, to tell me I’m wrong, that I am enough. But he doesn’t. Instead, he just sits there, letting the silence wrap around us.

“I get it,” he finally says after a moment. “You think I don’t feel that way, too? Like I’m not enough? Hell, I’ve spent most of my life thinking people would reject me for who I am. Not just because I’m an alpha, but because of… everything else.”

My eyebrows pinch together. “Everything else?”

He sighs and runs a hand through his dark hair, a gesture that makes him seem so human every time he does it. “I’ve always felt like I had to be this… perfect version of myself. Like if I wasn’t strong enough, tough enough, people wouldn’t respect me. And it’s not just about being alpha. It’s about being the son of the former alpha. I had to live up to my dad’s legacy, and that pressure… it still sits on me, every damn day.”

His confession hits me harder than I expected. Damien’s always been this larger-than-life figure in my mind. Someone untouchable, someone who could handle anything. Hearing him admit that he struggles with the same insecurities I do levels the playing field in a way I wasn’t prepared for.

“I get that,” I sympathize. “Even before I found out I’m a witch, I know people looked at me and saw someone who didn’t fit it. My dad wasn’t an alpha, but he was a respected member of this pack, and so was my mother. And when I was never able to shift… God, I felt like such an outcast even before I actually was one. I had no idea what my role was in the pack, and even… my size. I mean, I know what people think when they see someone like me next to someone… thinner. I’m not exactly what the world considers the ideal woman. But since I’ve been back, you’ve never made me feel anything less than beautiful.”

He chuckles softly, and the sound is a little self-deprecating. “That’s because you are beautiful, Jade. Always have been. But I guess… I guess we all have our hang-ups.”

The honesty in his words, the way he’s letting me in like this… it’s more than I ever expected from him. And honestly, I never thought I’d see the day when I let him in, either. I lean into him and rest my head on his shoulder. It’s not just the magic, not just the guilt. It’s everything—the pressure, the expectations, the way we both feel like we’ve been fighting battles alone for so long.

“My parents never told me about the magic,” I tell him. “They never gave me the chance to understand who I was. I always felt… different, like something was missing. And then, when they were gone, I was left with this hole inside me that I didn’t know how to fill. The magic was part of it, but it was more than that. It was everything.”

“I know what you mean,” Damien says, his voice soft. “After my dad died, it was like the whole pack looked at me, waiting for me to become him overnight. But I’m not him. I’ll never be him. And sometimes… I think that’s a good thing. But other times, I wonder if I’m letting everyone down just by being myself.”

“Things were so different when we were kids,” I comment with a small smile tugging at my lips. “I remember running around the woods with you and my brother, causing all kinds of trouble. Your dad used to scold us, but he always had that look. Like he was proud of how wild we were.”

Damien laughs softly. “Yeah, he was a hardass, but he loved the chaos. I think that’s why I always felt like I had to live up to that. Like if I didn’t, I’d be letting him down.”

“You’re not letting him down,” I say quietly. “And neither am I.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just pulls me closer and rests his chin on the top of my head. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

And in that moment, sitting there with Damien, with Penny softly breathing beside me, I realize something: I don’t have to carry the weight of the world alone. Neither does he. We’re in this together, facing the same fears, the same struggles. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like maybe I’m strong enough to face whatever comes next.

With Damien by my side, I think we both are.