Chapter 23 - Kaiden

When I first shifted into a wolf, it was like watching my life before me on a TV screen. I could see everything that was happening, but the presence that was "him" was far too strong for me to maintain any control. I was more like an observer inside a body that I could feel but was simultaneously alien.

Pain and heat and cold, it all got through to me, but the limbs almost moved on their own. My wolf was me. I knew that. It was just a part of me that felt more distinct than others, but during that first shift—and a few after it—he felt like a separate being.

That was how it felt now.

I was acutely aware of everything that was going on in front of me—the look of fear in Kit's eyes, the way she screamed for me to come to my senses, the way her blood scented the air with copper.

Stop this. Stop! She's our mate, remember? You fuck. You said it yourself. Snap out of this.

But horrid anger funneled into me synthetically. I could sense that it was being done to me, that the emotion was outside myself, but it infected my wolf too strongly. I couldn't get him to back down.

What's more, I picked up on all the signals that this was too much for my body. My heart was pounding erratically, and I panted as heat swelled under my skin. Adrenaline coursed stronger than it should, and my muscles were twitchy and tense.

Kill. Eat. Kill.

The deep, frenzied voice growled in my head as a real one rumbled out of my mouth. My stomach clenched, sickened by the thought. The nausea didn't back away, however. It was something the drug was doing.

My chest ached with each breath like I couldn't fill my lungs, and they burned with the need for more oxygen. All I could do was pant harder, trying to suck in air and release the awful heat making me dizzy.

Concern started to bleed into the wolf from my own worry. This was too much for my body, wolf or not. We'd found dead wolves who hadn't torn each other to pieces, and what I was feeling now supported the heart attacks Willow had assumed to be the cause of death.

Dammit. I'm going to have a damn coronary after killing Kit. No. No . That can't happen.

Vision blurring, I could still smell Kit, and my wolven body stalked forward around the table she'd ducked behind.

There you are.

My wolf's focus zeroed in on her again, and a strange mixture of possession and the need to tear into her filled my blood.

He wouldn't be such a problem if I could shift back into my human form. I tried to force the change back, pushing with that invisible will. My wolf internally snarled, snapping at me and causing my concentration to break in a nauseating flare of pain to the brain.

Goddamn it. Stop this, you idiot!

I was on her when I could finally focus on what was happening in front of me. Kit's lilac scent powered into my nose, and the swell of need for her nearly broke me in two. I wanted her safe—yes, beneath me, too—and out of here, but my wolf couldn't tell what he wanted.

The confusion stung, and I at least got the asshole to shake his head as Kit got up and ran toward the door. Her movement was too quick, though, and it spooked him, making him want to tear after her.

A strange astringent smell cut through me as my body barreled forward after Kit. It was fucking awful—metallic and bitter and sharp.

The gas!

I tried to force myself to suck in more of the air, even as my wolf hated it. That shit was going to get me out of this, dammit, and he was going to drown in breaths of the stuff if necessary. Hell, if it killed me in the process, at least Kit would be safe. She could get out of here and finally be happy.

The thought hit me, and suddenly, I heard my grandmother's voice in my head.

Only if you can set hate aside...

What was my brain trying to tell me? What hate could it have possibly—

Kit was human. And when I was young, I'd hated them, hated her if only because I wanted her so bad and couldn't believe I was falling for someone who wasn't one of us. I'd let go of that hatred a long time ago, though.

What was keeping me from her now? What are you trying to say, Gran?

Frustration swelled, and I could feel my body ready for another attack under my wolf's command. My wolf…whatever the drug was doing, it was responding to the aggression he was usually capable of. I needed to focus on something else.

But what?

Struggling to look through my eyes, I found Kit with them. She looked so terrified.

"Kaiden, please. It's me."

I know it's you. I don't want this, Kit. I can't hurt you.

My heart ached, and for a moment, all I could see was just her. The tension in my haunches eased, if only a hair.

Kit. I need to focus on Kit.

It took everything I had to keep the wolf from launching at her, and I zeroed in on that feeling of desperation. The overwhelming need to protect her, to be there for her always, surged through me. It bought me a few precious seconds where I could back up from her.

Only then…will you, at last, be gifted with a fox.

If the situation wasn't so dire, I might have laughed. A fox. A baby fox is called a kit. Goddamn, Gran. Okay .

Confidence eased through me. I needed to trust in our connection. I needed to give up everything for it if necessary.

And I would.

I was all right with dying for Kit. In fact, I hadn't given it a second thought. The wolf pushed my body forward, trying to walk even as the gas made me clumsy. Behind that, though, I was realizing that what he'd first said about her was so very true.

Kit was my mate.

I couldn't hurt her. I had to shrug off this fucking drug, because if I harmed her in any way, I'd never forgive myself. I'd give anything to keep that from happening—my life included.

Fighting with my will again, I tried to force the shift back. I pushed and pushed with that thing that made shifters change their shape, demanding that my wolf back the fuck off.

Get down, you asshole! I won't let you hurt her. It's Kit, dammit!

If I would have been in human form, tears may have fallen from my eyes. I'd just gotten Kit back to me after all these years. I'd finally been with her—one singular, perfect night—and it was all going to end?

No, it just couldn't happen like that. We were supposed to be together. I was supposed to take her home with me, mate her properly, and even start a—

My chest pinched again, and the dizziness coiling through me hit even harder. My wolf made me lunge at Kit, but it was off balance and sloppy. She dodged, and I crashed into the floor, skidding several feet until my back hit the door.

He still wasn't listening to me, and the antidote wasn't working fast enough. I could feel it in my veins, battling with the drug, but my wolf was still calling the shots.

No, this isn't right!

A snarl tore from me, and when the wolf directed me to lunge for her again—Kit's eyes wide in her face as she stared in terror—I finally clamped down on my will hard enough to freeze him in his tracks.

Stop. You're going to stop and listen to me. You will not hurt her.

I snarled, growling so low and loud it shook the room. He was fighting against me, and my body felt like it was going to explode from the internal battle raging inside me.

Kill!

No. It's Kit. Mate, yeah? I will not lose her. I…I love her.

My muscles strained, my pulse going haywire as every nerve in my body coursed with flame. I began to shake, and a horrible ache wormed through me like my sinew and meat were trying to tear themselves from my bones.

I tilted my head back and roared into the air with everything I had. The choice was the first one I was able to make over the wolf, and somehow, I knew it was because I'd accepted her as my mate—at least mentally.

I thought it again, dropping my head to look into her gorgeous sapphire eyes.

The anguish was ceaseless, as were the growling roars for relief. The world spun, and I was very sure that I was either about to die or the wolf would win out.

Please. Don't let this be how it ends. I need her with me. I'm nothing without her.