15. Ray

The flowing emerald, green, strappy dress that Wade had given me in the office earlier hugged my body in all the ways I wasn't used to. I had to agree with his reaction when he first saw me in it—I looked almost ethereal with the way it moved as I walked, the fabric ghost-like. Even in the back of his chauffeur-driven car, I couldn't keep myself from touching it, looking at it.

"I don't understand why I need to get to know your friends," I mumbled, pinching a bit of fabric between my thumb and fingers. My stomach twisted at the idea of not quite meeting their expectations. "Can't I just meet them at the wedding?"

"If we were truly in a serious relationship, you'd know them well before the wedding," Wade explained. His tailored black suit and tie fit him perfectly, accentuating every annoyingly mouthwatering part of him that I'd tried so desperately to forget about since the ice rink. "If your first time meeting Jackson and Mandy is at the wedding and people notice, it could raise questions."

I sighed. It was fair and I couldn't fight him on it. At least I didn't have to pretend with them. "But if we're not lying to them, why does it have to be a public thing? Why do I have to…" I rustled the fabric again as I looked up at him, "… dress up?"

His eyes glazed over as he looked me up and down, taking every bit of his sweet time to take in my form. It made my cheeks heat up, my belly flip, and god fucking dammit if it didn't turn me on just a little bit. He'd been right before—there was a part of me that was attracted to him and had been since I'd mowed him down on the slopes. That didn't mean anything, though. It would be nearly impossible to not be attracted to him. And with the way he'd spoken to me the other day on the ice…

My little gulp as he met my gaze seemed to bring him back to reality. "I asked you to dress up, Ice Bunny, because we'll likely have our photo taken. There's zero chance we won't run into the press, and for once, that's a good thing."

If I had sleeves, I would've pulled them over my palms. "You could have warned me about the press," I breathed. The swirling in my gut only got worse, and this time it wasn't because of the way he was looking at me, even if that did set me on fire.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm not looking forward to it, either."

I nodded and turned away from him, forcing myself to look out of the tinted windows as we drove up the mountainside. I could still feel his eyes on me, but I did my best to block him out like I had with the silent driver. He hadn't even introduced himself.

"You don't have to put on an act tonight if that helps any," he offered.

"Yeah, it does." I resisted the urge to curl up inside myself. "I don't think I'm ready to pretend that I love you just yet."

"Oh come on. It can't be that hard to pretend that you have feelings for me," he chuckled, one finger closing the distance between our legs and rubbing against the side of my thigh. It set me on high alert again. "Just pretend I'm an ex or something."

I snorted. "Yeah, that won't help."

"No good past relationships you can think of?" Wade asked, his finger going still against my thigh.

I didn't really want to go there with him, didn't want to give him the nitty-gritty about my life, but I knew that was all part of it. There were things he should know if he actually was around me a lot, dating me. "I stopped dating for the most part once Mom got sick since I had to give her so much of my time. And no happy endings, especially not the last one."

He leaned forward, the side of his face entering my peripheral. "Can I ask what happened?"

You don't actually care. "How is that useful?"

"It's not. I'm curious."

I chewed my lower lip as I turned toward him, meeting those angering dark eyes that gave me no clue to whatever lay behind them. "I wasn't entirely honest in my job interview, okay? James didn't just fire me. I was… with him." I blew out a puff of air, sending one of my pinned-up curls flying out of my face. This was the one thing I hated talking about most, more than Mom's illness, more than Dad's death. It upset me on a visceral level that just didn't compare. So why the hell was I explaining myself to him? "He broke up with me when he realized how little time I could give him because of Mom. And then used the excuse of me being late a handful of times because of that to fire me."

Wade's nostrils flared as he looked down at me, an angered twitch in his jaw. "Jesus. I knew Holman was an asshole but I didn't know he was that bad."

I nodded. "I made do for a few months and then came crawling to you. So, yeah, I don't date. I don't have any good past experiences, not even in college or high school. And I definitely will not be dating people I work for again," I said, leveling a glare at him.

"I mean, technically, you are."

"Technically my ass," I scoffed. "Pretending is as far as this will go. End of story."

————

Jackson and Mandy were a few years older than me, around the same age as Wade, making me feel like the odd one out that much more intense. I hated situations like these, always had, yet somehow I'd walked myself straight into one.

They were nice people, Mandy especially, and I found myself wondering what their kid looked like. Mandy talked extensively about Cassie, her smile nearly as wide as Mom's used to be when Dad got home from his late-night shifts. Apparently, Cassie was walking on her own now, causing havoc, and misplacing Jack's things by hiding them deliberately under the sofa.

I wasn't very sociable as we ate. The food was incredible, but I couldn't stop thinking about Cassie. When I was younger, I always envisioned myself growing up and finding a love like my parents had, the big fairytale princess wedding, and having my own kid. But now, I wondered if I'd ever get to the point with someone where I'd be willing to have their child before it became risky due to my age. With my mom being as sick as she was but her body holding out, I feared the majority of my time would always be spent on her, with no time left for a partner or a little one. Maybe I wasn't cut out to take care of a child. Maybe my fate had always been to put that mothering instinct I had into caring for Mom.

"Have you considered putting out a joint statement to the press?" Jack asked Wade, his words filtering back in through the wall I'd placed. "Once we did that, we were swarmed with photographers."

Once we did that. I'd forgotten that Wade mentioned Jackson and Mandy had done the same thing we were planning on doing, faking a relationship for their own personal gain. I tried not to think about where that had landed them—married with a kid. I didn't even want to consider the possibility of that with Wade.

"No," Wade said around a mouthful. "I don't want it to get out right before Chloe's wedding. I'd rather it look like a secret I was keeping."

"That's smart," Mandy piped up. "We didn't really have that option."

"I'm positive a few photographers followed you guys here, anyway. Worst case scenario, I'll have someone reach out so they know where to find us tonight," Jackson added.

Wade took a sip of his wine, cradling the glass between his fingers as he looked toward me. "A few snaps of the four of us together should sell it enough."

I nodded my response. I'd barely touched my food, hardly drank any of my wine. The nausea was still there, picking away at me, daring me to run away and fling myself into any vehicle I could find. Trying to speak wasn't going to help.

"You okay?" Wade asked quietly, leaning toward me as he covered the side of his face with his glass of wine. "You seem a bit… off."

"I'm fine," I lied. I wiped my mouth with the cloth napkin in my lap and scooted my chair back, the squeak drawing unwanted attention. I hated being there. I hated it with a goddamn passion and I was going to throw up if I didn't get out of there for a moment. "I need some fresh air."

Wade's eyes went wide. "Ray?—"

"I'll go with you," Mandy said, standing up from her chair with an ease and grace I knew I didn't possess in the moment. "There's an outdoor area in the back. You won't get swarmed there if the press are out front."

As much as I wanted to be alone, I felt wrong telling her that I was fine. She'd been nothing but an angel so far to me, and she didn't deserve to be shot down, especially not when she was just trying to help. "Okay."

Mandy looped her arm through mine the moment I stood, ushering me on my shaking legs through the dining room and down a narrow hallway. A faint, "Yes chef!" came through the walls, but other than that, the only sound was our clicking heels until we opened the back door.

The freezing air nearly tore the air from my lungs as I stumbled out into the cold without my jacket. My strappy satin dress did absolutely nothing to keep me warm, but I didn't care—I needed the blast of cold air and quiet, I needed time to think. I needed to calm down.

I stepped forward onto the balcony and grabbed the railing, using it to keep myself steady. "You can go back in," I rasped. "You must be freezing."

Mandy stepped up beside me, a sad smile on her face and held onto her arms to keep herself warm. "I'll wait. You seem like you need this."

I nodded. Wishing I hadn't left my purse with the monitor in it back at the table, I dug my nails into the wood, pushing down the feeling of sick climbing my throat. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" Mandy asked, one hand reaching out to touch my back lightly. Instinctively, my body flinched, and I wished it hadn't. "It's okay, Ray. I was really overwhelmed too when this was happening to me."

I blinked down at the snow beneath the deck, glistening and sparkling from the dim lighting. She did know exactly what I was going through, but only on the surface. And based on their outcome, she probably had some amount of fondness for Jack from the beginning. I didn't have that with Wade. "It's just… it's a lot. And it's making my anxiety peak."

"I get that. I really do." She leaned onto the railing beside me, her jaw flexed to keep her teeth from chattering. It had to be below freezing. "I hated Jack when everything went down with us. Didn't want to be in the same room with him. Didn't want to hear him speak. He was the worst thing that had ever happened to me."

That was… wholly and entirely unexpected.

"The idea of spending massive amounts of time together for our own gain was horrible," she continued. "But it got easier. The more we talked, the more we opened up to each other, the easier it became."

The idea that she'd been just as upset about her situation, more so even, was a little reassuring. "But you ended up with Jack. You married him."

She nodded. "I did. And it was the best decision I've ever made."

She watched me as silence fell between us, quiet and unbroken. I knew what she was saying. There was no expectation there for me and Wade to end up like her and Jack, all smiles and in love. She understood that it was hard. But she also understood that it would help both of us in the long run.

"Listen," she sighed, leaning in a little closer. Her deep brown hair fell forward over her shoulders, hanging between us. "Wade's a good guy. I know he can be a bit of an ass but trust me when I say he's one of the best friends I've ever had. I wouldn't trade him for the world, Ray. He has a good heart."

I was well aware that she knew him better than I did, but it genuinely boggled my mind how another woman as strong and confident as she was could respect the way he ran through women. "Then why is he the way he is?" I looked up at her, every part of my body screaming at me to go back inside. "He runs through women like a fucking freight train. I'm not like that, Mandy. I can't handle that kind of thing."

She pursed her lips together and looked away, out into the woodland surrounding the restaurant, up to the mountaintop above. "That's not my story to tell. I'm sure he'll tell you when he's ready."

So there was a reason. I knew there had to be one, but the idea that something had happened to him to make him who he was made my chest ache. I wanted to know. I wanted to open up his mind and pick out all the interesting bits, ask him questions, dissect him as a human and learn everything I could. But I also knew that would open a whole new can of worms. It would put me back into that horrible, heartbreaking place I'd been in before.

I knew myself. I knew there was an attraction there, and I knew how easily I fell when even the slightest bit of humanity was given to me. If I had that… no. Absolutely not. I couldn't, wouldn't do that to myself again.

"I'm cold," I said, giving Mandy the smallest smile I could muster. "Let's go back in."