37. Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Six

Despite my bad mood, I don't tell Sev to go fuck himself when he texts to remind me of our date tonight. It's the last thing on the planet I want to do, but I need to suck it up just a little bit longer. Once I do this, he'll kill Remi and I'll be free. At least, that's what I hope.

I got an update from Banks and Reginald. Neither of them can find shit about anyone my bio parents were affiliated with, so honestly? I think Sev is full of shit. The only thing I have to go by that someone was actually following me, was him. Which was when I was sitting in a coffee shop with Xan, alone. Sev probably got jealous and made some bullshit up. It was only a coincidence that I got the letter from my mother.

Which… No. There's no way.

But could it be possible?

Would Sev make that up? Did he write that letter to fuck with me?

Shit, this guy is driving me insane. I can't dismiss the possibility he did it. Though it doesn't seem like something he would do, I don't know the guy from a hole in the wall. Who the fuck knows what kind of shit he's into and would do to get what he wants. What would he get out of doing something like that? I think about it for a few moments but come up with nothing. Doesn't mean it's not true. It could be, and that's what I need to remember.

This whole life has felt like nothing more than a prison. I'm trapped. Stuck. Sucked in. That's what sucks about the mafia. No, I don't hate what I do, but I'm fucking tired of it. Tired of doing shit for everyone else and never for myself. Doing shit for all these people who couldn't give two shits about me. And I don't have the option to just walk away. I should have when I had the chance. When Ezra and Reese left, I should have gone with them.

But no. I chose to stay here, to keep doing what I'm doing because it's all I knew.

But I'm so tired of it. Tired of everyone, of this life, of people. Of all of it.

I'm especially tired of people telling me what the fuck to do all the time.

If I could leave right now and knew nothing bad would happen to anyone because of it, I would. But there are too many what ifs. So I need to hang on just a little longer.

Sev gave no information on where we're going, and the guy is so unpredictable I can't begin to guess what it is. It could be anything from a stroll in the park to sky diving to offing someone together. So I dress casually in jeans and a button-up, hoping it'll do. I put my boots on, fix my hair, spritz a little cologne, and fall onto the couch and wait until he gets here.

Scrolling through my phone, I check the news sites and click on an article that catches my attention.

Piano Man's Symphony of Murder is Never-ending!

"My boy had a busy night," I mutter, then snap my mouth shut and frown. I look around my living room on the off chance someone heard that, but there's no one here.

My boy? What the actual fuck.

No. No, he is not my boy. Not at all.

I scoff and go back to the article.

Another head of a family killed. Found in his home, actually decapitated this time. I smirk. I wonder if that's because he was angry. Angry at me, maybe?

Why is the thought of him losing control so appealing?

Losing control because of me.

Because the man is an enigma. He's all over the place; flies by the edge of his seat. But he's smart. Meticulous. He knows what he's doing and he's careful. He comes across as careless, but he isn't. He's just… spontaneous. But even in those moments, he's deliberate.

So the thought of him being so angry that he loses the control he keeps? I shake my head, not wanting to think about it. It pisses me off because what he said is right. I do think a good fucking would make me feel better. Alcohol doesn't work anymore. Neither does sleep, since I can barely get there most nights. But random hook ups are too much work. It's hard to find someone who is okay with fucking and nothing more. There's always Xan, but thanks to experience, I already know he's not what I need. He's too… soft. Too nice. Too needy and clingy. I don't want to cuddle after. I want to fuck and go. Be done with it.

Sev would get the job done. I know without a doubt, if I gave in and let him fuck me, it would be worth it. It would be good. Because it's always good. If only I didn't hate myself after. If only he wasn't so… him. Maybe this would be easier, and I'd consider something more if he was a different person. But that defeats the purpose then, doesn't it? It's everything about him I find appealing. Yet… not appealing? How does any of that make sense?

Even if he was normal and not an obsessive stalker, I'd not give him a chance. I know this about myself. The relationship thing isn't for me. Letting anyone into my life isn't for me. I shouldn't even entertain the idea of him and I together, but I can't help that it's enticing. The thought is exhilarating. I've never bottomed before, never wanted to, but something about Sev has me wondering if maybe it's because I never imagined it with the right person. That I should try. That Sev won't disappoint. That I'm missing out on something amazing.

A knock on my door pulls me from my thoughts, so I get up and pull it open, knowing it's him. Only it isn't.

It's Reginald's guy, Stone.

"May I come in?" he asks.

"Yeah, sure." I move aside and he steps in. I close the door and turn to face him.

"Reginald is looking for an update."

"It'll be done within the next few days."

He nods. "He also wants you to know that if you need anything, to reach out but be discreet."

"Of course."

He nods again and moves toward the door. So I hurry to open it, only to find Sev standing there, hand raised and ready to knock. He frowns when he looks from me to Stone. His hand slowly falls to his side. I can only imagine what the fuck is going through his head now.

"Thank you for your time," Stone says, sneaking by Sev who doesn't move.

"No problem," I say, even though I'm not sure he heard me. Sev's gaze is already burning into me, and I know how this will go.

"Who was that?" he grunts.

"Work. Are you coming in or are we leaving now?"

Sev watches me curiously as if he doesn't believe me. He doesn't have to believe me. I also have no reason to lie to him. If I was fucking the guy, there's nothing Sev could do about it. I mean, there are plenty of things he could—and probably would—do, but he doesn't have a right to.

No matter what he thinks, I am not his.

"What?" I snap, throwing my hands up and letting them fall to my sides.

"Just not into coming here to pick you up for our date and finding you with another man."

I roll my eyes. "First of all, you have absolutely no right to be mad about me being with anyone because we—" I gesture between us "—are nothing. And two, it was work."

Why the fuck am I entertaining this? Why am I trying to convince him? Why do I care what he thinks?

"Since when does work come to your house?"

I groan, running a hand down my face.

"Since I'm working on a secret job," I growl in a low tone.

Sev doesn't react to that in any way. Just keeps staring at me.

"Look, if you're pissed and don't want to go, I will gladly go to bed or some shit. I'm tired," I say, ready to hop into bed and not leave for a week.

"You know what helps with sleep?"

"What?" I ask, tired of his shit.

He leans close, and says, "A good fucking."

I blink slowly and try to shake off some of my anger. It's clear he's over his little temper tantrum, and the rest of this night is not going to go well if I don't get over mine.

"I don't put out on the first date," I bite out, stepping into the hallway and closing my door behind me.

Sev smirks. "We'll see about that."