Chapter 8

Standing off to the side, I stare at the man, who I don't know yet why I feel so many things for. Mostly, I feel his pain. The loss of his mother. It's something I felt the minute Dagger told me who she was in the back of the ambulance. Upon arriving at the hospital and doctors calling it, he requested to be the one to inform the family. The doctor agreed, and I realized they knew each other.

It's been two days since the news was broken to Bruiser and his sister. I can still see the look in his eyes when our eyes locked in that emergency room waiting area. The way he'd looked at me, I knew he blamed me. He blamed me for not getting to her in time, for not saving his mother. She was an older woman, and it was a heart attack that took her.

When we'd gotten to her, she had a pulse. It was weak, but there. It was on the way to the hospital she coded, and we couldn't bring her back. I've had people die on me before. I learned quickly not to let it affect me, but this time it was different. I might not have known the woman, but I knew her son.

During the funeral, I kept looking toward Bruiser, seeing the pain in his face. I hadn't seen him since he left the hospital with his sister. Dagger ended up taking me straight home, where two other men waited, then took off. I hadn't seen either of them in the time. I ended up asking Grady for some vacation time, which he gave me. I just needed a few days to get my head right. I also wanted to be able to attend the funeral, to show my respect.

Now, standing graveside, I can't stop looking at Bruiser. I want to say something to him. Anything, but what's there to say? I mean, what could I say? Hey Bruiser, I'm sorry I couldn't do more to save your mom. It was just her time. Yeah, like that would go over well.

The service comes to an end with Bruiser helping his sister up, then him, along with Hammer and Dagger, take a few children and each one of them lays a long red stem rose on top of the casket.

I turn away and look at my two new guards, Colt and Carbine. "I'm heading home. I'm not going to go anywhere else, so if you want to go do whatever it is with the club to pay respect, I won't get in the way of that."

"Our job is to watch you," Carbine states.

Nodding, I glance behind me once again to see Bruiser now looking at me. Those pain-filled eyes cause my heart to ache in ways I never knew it could. But it wasn't just pain I saw. There's anger there as well. No matter how much I want to go to him, I can't because in truth, I blame myself for not saving his mom.

I leave the cemetery and make my way to where my car is parked behind other vehicles. With the amount of people here, it's like a maze while trying to get out of there.

By the time I finally get home, I feel raw on the inside.

I go into my room, close and lock the door. I strip out of my black dress, toe off my heels, dropping them right in the middle of the floor. I cross the room, step into the bathroom, and into my shower. The spray hits me, and a gasping sob leaves my lips as the cold water rains down on me. Even as it warms, there's no stopping the tears.

Never have I ever felt so vulnerable. Not in years. So many years ago, I swore never to be vulnerable again. To always protect myself. I suppose physically I've done just that. Emotionally, however, I'm a total mess. Bruiser saw to that in only a matter of days.

And where am I now?

Alone. Crying in the shower to hide my tears. The last thing I need is for someone to hear me.

I barely register the warmth of the water. Instead, I allow myself this one moment in time to get out all the tears. Once I'm certain I won't cry anymore, I shut off the water and get out, dry, and dress in nothing more than a pair of sweats and tank top. I don't bother with a bra or panties. I'm not going anywhere, so why bother putting much of anything on?

I brush my hair and leave it wet. No reason to blow dry it.

Sighing heavily, I climb in the middle of my bed and lie down, curling myself around the pillow Bruiser had slept on during the nights he'd been here. It wasn't more than two, but in that time, it made it so now the bed is far too big and lonely.

I need to stop this. Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to do me any good. It definitely won't help me get my head on right. Bruiser's gone. It seems both he and Dagger are done with me. I don't blame them either. Regardless, I need to get myself together once again.

Grady gave me the time I asked for, but I don't think I want it. If I get back to work, I can distract myself from what I can do rather than sulking on what I can't.

So what if Bruiser blames me or that I blame myself? It's nothing I can fix. I need to not think about it and let it go, just as I do everything else.

Early the next morning, I leave the apartment, my two guards behind me. My destination predictable. Primal Fit.

I didn't bother telling Colt or Carbine where I was going. They can figure it out.

There's no traffic to get in my way, and I make it to the gym without delay. I'm not surprised when the bikes park on either side of my car as I get out. I give both men a nod and make my way inside.

Rico lifts his head from whatever he is looking at when I step through the door. "What are you doing here?"

"You got time this morning?" I ask instead of giving an answer.

"Always got time for you, Gwenny," Rico states, pushing himself away from the front counter. "You wanna tell me what's going on?"

"Nope, just want to train." I haven't talked about it, and I don't intend to. Yesterday, I made the choice to put it behind me. I don't want to talk about feelings or anything like that. I prefer to work things out differently and without words.

"You got it, babe."

For the next hour, I work up a sweat with Rico in the ring. Neither of us speaks, and this is exactly what I need. Or so I keep telling myself. Another hour passes before Rico ends up calling it quits to work with a few other clients who come to the gym. Nowhere near ready to leave, I move to the treadmills to run. I do this for five miles at a hard pace. My knees are wobbly when I finish, and there's no way I can do anything else.

Deciding to head home, I tell Rico bye and do just that. Tomorrow I'll go back to work. I'll do my shifts and then go back to the gym for another hard workout. I'll ask Rico to get someone else to fill in for me for the time being. I don't think I can deal with teaching others to protect themselves.

Maybe it's time to look at doing something different altogether.

Get out of the business of saving people's lives and find a job that doesn't involve life or death. I could move away, escape, get away from here and the unseen danger.

For all I know, this whole thing is being blown out of proportion, and this guy who supposedly is a threat to me isn't. It could all be a hoax.

When I get home, I'll tell Colt and Carbine they can go home. I don't need a babysitter any more than I need a man who . . . no, he's not my man. Bruiser isn't anything to me. Just as I'm nothing to him.