Four

River

I still feel kind of bad about what I said to Judson in the coffee shop the other day when I head to my therapist's office on my day off.

I've been seeing Dr. Kline on and off since I got out of the hospital. My mom set my first appointment up with him, and I really dug in my heels about going. But now I'm glad that I did. I used to see him twice a week, and now I'm down to seeing him twice a month. He helped me get through school, and he was there when I moved into my own apartment and couldn't sleep from fear.

When I get to the office, Sandy greets me from behind the desk with a smile.

"Dr. Kline is already waiting for you. He said to head on back."

"Thanks, Sandy." I round the corner and head for the second door on the right, which is partway open.

"Hey, River," Walter says, turning in his desk chair to give me a smile. "Have a seat."

I shut the door behind me and sit on one end of the loveseat I usually sit in when I'm here. This office is as familiar to me as my own apartment. I love how comfortable I am here. Walter made it so easy to talk to him, even about the horrible things Ian did to me that I never thought I'd tell anyone.

Walter minimizes the open window on his computer, turns his screen off, then moves to sit in the armchair across from me. "How're you doing today?"

"I'm all right."

"Just all right?" He tsks good-naturedly. "Last time I saw you, you said you were great. What's happened since then?"

"I saw Judson the other day."

Walter's eyebrows lift on his forehead. "I didn't realize you'd decided to talk to him. The last time we spoke, you weren't sure."

"I didn't really decide anything. I saw him coming into the hospital. He was bothered by something and almost passed out in the hallway. I couldn't just not go help him." I pause before adding, "He didn't really almost pass out. He was having a panic attack. He had a few of them back when we were kids."

Walter nods, but he doesn't ask anything else about Judson's panic attack. "And how was it? Seeing him again?"

"It was…weird. I'd kind of decided I wasn't going to see him when he got into town. I'm still a little angry with him for leaving me like he did after we escaped Ian's house, and I didn't want to talk to him about that. But then we kind of had to talk, and it was really awkward."

"And you hated that?" It's more a statement than a question.

I nod. "Judson and I were always close. Even when we were just friends. We told each other everything, and we didn't have secrets. But seeing him in the hospital the other day, it was like talking to someone I knew in a different life."

"That's because it was a different life," Walter says. "You were kids when you knew each other. Then you had to grow up overnight, and neither one of you was the same. Trauma can split our lives into multiple parts. It's natural to feel like Judson is simply part of an old life, not this new one."

I swallow as I try to think of Judson not being a part of my new life. I never thought I'd see him again, but I thought about him often. It was hard not to. I can't imagine him not being a part of me at all.

"Do you think I shouldn't let him be a part of my life now?"

"You know I can't give you the answer to that. Only you can decide something so big," Walter says. "I can help you sort out the pros and cons. What would be good about Judson being back in your life?"

I don't even have to think about it. "I'd have my best friend back. He's the only one who really gets what happened in Ian's house because he was there with me. And…I just miss him. If I let him back in my life, that hole he left wouldn't be there anymore."

"Those are all valid reasons," Walter says with approval. "Now, list some cons."

This answer comes to me immediately too, but I don't necessarily want to say it. Walter knows Judson and I were together, but he doesn't know how it all happened. He doesn't know that I gave my virginity to Judson in the basement of Ian's house because I told him I didn't want my first time to be with Ian. We both knew what he was going to do with us.

"River?" Walter prompts softly. "Would you like to give me some cons?"

I take a breath and let it out slowly. "I almost wished I hadn't made it when I learned that Judson had left me when I was in the coma. I was in love with him, and I needed him, and he wasn't there. And I know I'm older now, and I have the maturity and tools to deal with it, but I guess I'm a little worried that if I let him back in, when he leaves me again, I'll end up in that same position. And I don't want to spend time clawing myself back out like I had to do the first time."

"I see." Walter taps his knee with his index finger for a few seconds, studying me.

I try not to fidget under his scrutiny. I can't help feeling like that wasn't the answer he was hoping to hear.

"In one of our first sessions together, I asked you who your biggest hero was," Walter finally says. "Do you remember what your answer was?"

I frown, trying to think. But those weeks after the hospital are pretty much just a blur. "No, I don't."

"You said it was Judson. You said he protected you from Ian, that he took more so you didn't have to."

When he says that, I do remember. I'd never looked at Judson much as a hero before that. He was just my friend. My crush. I liked him, but I didn't consider him incredibly heroic.

"I'm bringing it up because I think a part of the reason why you're struggling so hard with this is because you're still looking at Judson as the person he was in Ian's house. He was most likely just as scared as you were, and he still protected you as best he could. Perhaps some part of you feels extremely betrayed because he wasn't there to protect you again."

I swallow around the sudden tightness in my throat. "You make it sound like I was using him."

"Not at all," Walter replies. "I'm always on your side, River. I'm simply saying that maybe Judson was trying to protect himself. You said it was difficult for him to watch you hurt; maybe it was too hard for him to wait around and hope you woke up from the coma. For him, leaving was the option that would help him the most."

"So you do think I should let him back into my life?"

Walter laughs a little. "No, River, I didn't say that. I'm just trying to give you an idea of where his head might be at so you can approach this situation with him from a different angle."

I chew on the inside of my lip as I turn his words over in my head. All of it makes sense. Judson was never great seeing someone else in pain, and he nearly lost his mind the first time Ian touched me.

"The bottom line is, you need to have a conversation with him. A civil one where you can keep your emotions in check if possible. Until you two clear the air, you'll continue feeling like you're in a limbo space between two lives. And you shouldn't be living like that. You deserve more than some fractured relationship, River."

I keep my hands folded in my lap, pressing one of my thumbs hard onto the other one. I know that what he's saying is true, but I still feel fractured from what Ian did, and it doesn't take a genius to see that Judson does too. And if that's how we both are right now, what chance does any kind of relationship between us have?