Two

River

I can't get away from Judson fast enough. I always thought I'd be okay when I saw him again. It's been years. I thought I'd let everything about him go. But seeing him just now…it was like looking right at a ghost. And all of my old feelings came rushing back so quickly that I thought they would crush me.

Judson used to be my everything. We grew up together, annoyed his sister together, played on the same sports teams together. When I came out in high school, he defended me to anyone who said anything about it.

My crush on him wasn't some slow, gradual thing. It hit me one day like a freight train, as I watched him tilt his face to the spring sun, telling me we only had one more month of high school left before we graduated.

It was three weeks before we were abducted by Ian. Three weeks before the worst four days of my life.

We didn't end up accepting our diplomas together. I was in a medically induced coma, and Judson was recovering from surgery. My diploma came in the mail in the summer, when I was trying to make sense of everything that had happened to us. Because Judson wasn't there to help talk me through it like he had always been.

My eyes burn, and I abandon my route to the nurses' station to duck into a bathroom. I lock myself in the first stall and lean back against the door, dragging deep breaths into my body.

I focus on the way my lungs expand, how my heart helps pump blood to every one of my limbs.

When I first woke up in the hospital after I came out of the coma, all I wanted to do was forget I even had a body. It was the thing Ian loved most about me. He liked to make me take my clothes off so he could take pictures of me before he fucked me.

I grit my teeth and force my mind back to the present. I will not go there. I won't let myself think of those horrible days. They're over. Ian is dead, and he can't ever touch me or Judson again.

Just thinking about my old friend has my muscles relaxing. As much as it hurt when I woke up in the hospital and he wasn't there, I don't hate him. I never have.

He did everything he could to protect me at Ian's place. He took more than he should have, determined not to let Ian lay a hand on me. Nothing stopped Ian from fucking me, but whenever I was too loud or cried too much, it was Judson who got hit. Because he wouldn't move out from between me and Ian.

I understand why Judson left after everything that happened, but I wish he'd told me goodbye at least.

I think I deserved that after all we'd shared together.

When I get off my shift, I stop by the store and grab some groceries before heading to my small apartment. It's close enough to work that I could walk, but I don't. That's how Ian grabbed us. Hit us with his car when we were out walking one day. I can't even carpool because I'm worried I'll get left behind and have to walk.

When I get to my apartment, I hurry into the building, grab my mail from the mailroom, and head up to my floor.

As soon as I unlock my front door, Cocoa is there to greet me. She's a German Shepard I rescued a couple years ago, and she's the best decision I ever made.

Most days, having her near is enough to ward the nightmares off.

"Hey, girl." I pet her head as I use my free hand to close and lock my door. "Miss me?"

Her tail wagging is answer enough.

I set the few bags of groceries on the table, then get her something to eat before checking messages on my phone. There are a couple in the chat I share with the two women who interned with me at the hospital, asking me to come out tonight. I text them that I can't without hesitating. They've been asking since we met. We really hit it off, and I love them, but I don't care to be out of my house after dark. I work the twelve-hour shift from five to five, and even that can be hard during the winter when the sun sets earlier.

I miss working with Rachel and Yvonne, but they both moved into the specialties, and I stayed back because all I want to be is a nurse.

I move to the next message, and I'm unsurprised to see it's from McKenzie, telling me to call her when I get home.

We kept in touch even after Judson left, and she helped me a lot when I had to go through PT just to be able to walk right again. Ian had shattered the bones in my left leg, and I still walk with a limp. It's why I went through school so quickly. I had nothing else to do, so I doubled up and graduated in two years.

I move to the fridge and grab a Gatorade, then call McKenzie.

"Are you okay?" she asks as soon as she answers.

"I'm fine." It's not strictly the truth, but I'm not going to tell her about everything that happened after I talked to her brother. How I stayed locked in that stall until my break ended. How I felt like I kept seeing Ian every time I looked out a window. She doesn't need to hear about all of that right now.

"Judson seemed pretty upset," she says softly.

I swallow past the sudden lump in my throat. "It was pretty jarring to see him. Even after you told me he was coming." I pause to take a sip of Gatorade before adding, "He seemed really surprised to see me."

"Yeah…I might not have mentioned you were working there."

The lump in my throat grows bigger. "You really think he doesn't want to see me that much that he wouldn't even go to the place where I work?"

"No," she says. "It has nothing to do with not wanting to see you."

I wait for her to elaborate, and when she doesn't, I push for a subject change. "How's little Austin doing?"

"Right on track." Pride enters her voice, along with a smile. "Next time I see Doctor Rand, it'll hopefully be my due date."

My chest lightens a little at her words. When I'd learned Judson had left all those years ago, I thought I was going to lose his sister too. But his absence seemed to only draw us closer. I even told her a little bit about what it was like in Ian's house.

"Listen, River, this isn't fair of me to ask you, but…could you not let Judson ignore you the entire time he's in town?"

I frown. "Do you know how ignoring someone works? I have no clue where he's going to be or what he's doing. I can't just show up—"

"Yes, you can," she interrupts. "You know him better than anyone, River. And I know it's awful of me to ask because he abandoned you when you needed him…but he needs you right now, even if he doesn't realize it yet. So please, just let him know you're there."

I want to tell her no outright. I love her, but this is asking too much. I forgave Judson a long time ago, but that doesn't mean I can be around him again. Losing him the first time nearly killed me. I'm not sure I'd survive it if it happened again.