34. MILES

THIRTY-FOUR

MILES

Bilson loves me.

He says he didn’t mean it, but I saw his face. He can’t lie to me.

My heart feels about seventy billion sizes too big for my chest as I climb out of his car back home. Bilson jumps right out and heads for the house, but I’m … possibly stroking out, maybe, because I can’t get my feet to move.

He loves me.

I’ve never had someone love me before. Only my family, who kind of have to, but I’m questioning how much they actually mean it. How far that love for me goes.

Whereas Bilson? He knows it all. Every dusty corner of who I am, and he loves me anyway.

He’s already at the front door before I remember to follow. I’m like a puppy trailing after his owner, but honestly, it’s not wrong. I’d beg for my man.

Mine.

I still can’t figure out how the hell his exes let him go.

But bad luck to them.

Because he’s mine now.

I can hear Mom and Dad talking to him as I push through the front door to join them. Mom’s saying something about Killer while he attacks Bilson with kisses, and Dad’s laughing at them both while he watches.

I watch too.

The way his eyes are all squinted happily as he leans back, trying to avoid Killer’s tongue. His brown hair is a mess, shirt pulled tight over the back I love to grip when he’s on top of me, mouth moving with words that wash over me completely.

It’s like they’re all talking through water.

Bilson loves me, and the ache in my chest at seeing them together, wanting it to be real, almost has me doubling over. My hand slips into my pocket to wrap around Stone and Seddy.

“So proud of you boys …” Mom says. “And Annette too, of course.”

“Bilson’s my boyfriend.”

The haze snaps, and I look around, trying to figure out where those words came from, but the three shocked faces that swing my way make it clear they came from me.

“Oh, fuck.” It sinks in what I’ve just said. “Oh, fuck.”

But the knowledge that it’s out there doesn’t fill me with the dread I’m expecting. Instead … relief. I’m so relieved my head goes light.

“Miles.” Bilson approaches and wraps his arms around me, and I’m not sure if he meant to steady me or to hug me, but I bury my face in his neck anyway. Anything to avoid looking at my parents.

I don’t look up as I force all the feelings out of me. “So I’m bi, and I think I have known for a while, but I’ve never given myself time to think of it as an option because the last thing I ever wanted to do was disappoint you. Or make you love me less. But then I met Bilson, and there was no way to stop myself from falling for him, and now that I know what it’s like to be loved without bullshit expectations, it’s made it pretty damn clear that I can’t change who I am. You’re the ones who have to change your mindset. If you want me in your life and if you love me how I’ve always thought you did, you need to figure it out fast. I’m not straight. I’ve never been straight. And I know that queer people scare you or make you uncomfortable or whatever the hell the Bible teaches, but please. Please try to remember you love me, a real person you made, more than some imaginary dude in the sky.”

Bilson’s arms squeeze me tight as he whispers, “I’m so proud of you.”

My soul lights up at the words, even though the silence that follows them makes me feel sick.

When I can’t handle it anymore, I grit my teeth, step back, and turn to face them.

There are tears running down Mom’s cheeks, and Dad’s face is buried in his hands.

That can’t be fucking good.

“God dammit,” Dad mutters.

I brace for what’s coming.

“Miles, I … We thought we failed as parents when you became a goalie, but this is … this is …”

“Not something I chose,” I snap, and Bilson’s hand settles on my lower back.

“What?” Dad frowns at me. “You didn’t fail us. We failed you.”

I turn to Mom.

“I’m so sorry,” she chokes out. “I … I don’t know what to say.”

“We had a … a feeling,” Dad says. “Thought something was different about your friendship.”

“We hoped we were reading too much into it.”

“Hoped?” My voice cracks.

“No, not hoped. More …” She looks to Dad for help.

“Didn’t wanna assume,” he says. “We both figured you would have come to us and we were being silly.”

“But we did some reading,” Mom adds quickly, slowly sounding more like herself. “There isn’t anyone we could have talked to about it, and we wanted to know things, just in case. You were always talking about those fraternity brothers of yours, honey, and then Cody … I couldn’t shake the feeling.”

“You … you knew?”

Bilson steps closer, and having him here to anchor me, having his familiar scent and presence right by my side, gives me that burst of confidence I need.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Growing up … the things you used to say … all that ‘hate the sin, love the sinner’ bullshit? What happened to that?”

“We love you,” Dad says simply.

“It isn’t that easy. I’m with a man. You’ll have to tell people, people at your church, that your son has a boyfriend. I’m not going to hide it. I want a chance to have a real relationship, same as anyone else. And you can’t tell me you love me and support me now, then get all embarrassed when people are talking about me. Because you know they will.”

“We know,” Mom says and shares a look with Dad. “We’ve had a lot of talks about it. Done a lot of reading. I’m not going to lie and say it was easy to unlearn everything we’ve always believed, because it’s not. But let me make one thing clear: we will never, ever be embarrassed by you. When you’re a parent who loves their kid, it really is that easy.”

I have to bury my teeth into my lip to hold back tears.

“God,” Dad scoffs. “We embraced you being a weirdo a long time ago, and if anything, you having a boyfriend is a lot less concerning than you talking to inanimate objects.”

The laugh that hiccups from me is pure relief.

“I dunno,” Bilson says, finally joining in. “The way he thinks they answer back has to take the cake.”

I shake him off me. “I didn’t say they talked back. I can just feel what they’d say if they could.”

Bilson lets out two short whistles as he circles his finger by his ear.

Dad clearly agrees. “Good luck handling that one.”

But I’m more than happy for them to tease me because it means … it means …

Fuck.

I actually did it.

And it hasn’t blown up in my face.

Mom is still crying, so I move closer to pull her into a hug. “I love you so much,” she sobs.

“I’m not going to lie, I’m still waiting for you guys to wake up out of this trance and change your minds.”

“I’m so sorry you were worried.”

“Me too.”

“Just be patient with us. Please. We’ve both still got a lot of learning to do.” She lets me go and dries her eyes. “Are you both going to stay for lunch?”

“Are we welcome?”

“Always.”

“Yeah,” Dad says, patting Killer. “We love Cody.”

The happiness on Bilson’s face lights up the goddamn room.

“Me too,” I say softly.

Our eyes meet, hold for a moment, and then he clears his throat and turns to my folks. “Do you mind if we take Killer for a walk first?”

“Not at all.”

He whistles to our baby and all but drags me from the room and out the front door.

“Where did you want to—oomph.”

My back slams into the wall as Bilson covers my body with his.

His lips meet mine, tongue surging forward into my mouth while I grip the front of his jacket. We kiss until my lips feel bruised, and I drown in the sound of the satisfied groan he lets out.

“You love me?” he asks, pulling away to kiss along my jaw.

“Did you really think your stammering in the car hid what you said? You don’t let that word drop and cover it up with the whole ‘you know … platonically but with fucking kind of love, not love love.’ Idiot.”

“Hey, I hid it well.”

“Not at all. But it’s okay. Because I love you too, and I’m not going anywhere.”

His smile is weary. “Lots of people have said that to me before.”

I scowl, about to tell him that’s not romantic or bromantic, when he continues.

“But I think that’s the first time I’ve ever believed it. I’ve had four different people promise their lives to me, and none of them made me feel as secure as you do.”

“Good. And I should probably let you know that no one else will ever promise themselves to you again. Just so we’re clear. You’re mine.”

One corner of his lips hitches up. “Did I hear you say boyfriend earlier?”

“Sure did, bro.”

“I liked it.”

“I know. I might be a slut for your cock, but you’re a slut for affection. For being wanted. I know how to keep my man happy.”

He grabs the backs of my thighs and hauls me off my feet. “And I know how to keep my man happy, even without my dick.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. Starting with telling you that I think you’re incredible.”

Ah, shit, he’s right. That does feel good.

“And brave—on the ice, but especially back in there. You always blow me away with who you are, Rook. You can’t be surprised I fell ass over tit in love with you.”

“Yeah, but you fall ass over tit a lot.”

Something serious crosses his face. “It’s because I’ve had all those relationships that I can say confidently that I don’t. This is a first for me. I’m not trying to minimize that I did really like those women, but it wasn’t love. It was … desperation. That’s why it never worked. You don’t make me feel so insecure that I keep pushing to be a better partner so I end up smothering you. You just want me. I’ve never had that.”

“And while that’s all I ever want from you, I’m a bit of an attention whore too. I don’t think it’s possible for you to smother me.”

Killer yaps loudly, startling us out of our moment.

“All right, all right, we’re coming,” I tell him.

Bilson takes my hand as we follow Killer, darting off toward the trees. I’m still struggling to believe we get to do this. Just because.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Happy. Annoyed. Scared they’ll change their minds.”

“You know I’m here.”

“That’s the only thing that got me through it.” I only wish they’d been more careful with their opinions; then maybe I never would have been worried. I glance over at him. “Are you okay I told them?”

“Of course. It wasn’t something I had an opinion on either way, so long as you were making the choice for you.”

“And … what next?”

He squeezes my hand. “Coming out publicly, you mean?”

“Yeah. Is that something you want to do?”

“I-I don’t want to hide us, but I really don’t want all the attention that goes along with our relationship. Some of our teammates have been through multiple girlfriends this season, sometimes at the same time, and no one looked twice. It won’t be like that for us.”

I get exactly where he’s coming from. “Then let’s do neither.”

“What do you mean?”

“We don’t have to come out, but we don’t have to hide us either. It’s like you said, people believe the bromance because it’s what they want to believe. I’m sure there’ll be questions when we’re seen holding hands or whatever, but we don’t have to confirm shit.”

“Damn, I’m smart sometimes.”

I pull him to a stop so I can kiss his scruffy cheek. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, but also, why?”

“For giving me everything.”