32. MILES

THIRTY-TWO

MILES

I’m terrified, but surprisingly, this feels right. Seeing Bilson leave tonight, knowing what he was coming here to do—alone—left a slimy, unsettled feeling behind.

I might not be able to give him PDAs and a proper relationship, but I can at least get my shit together enough to give him support. Tripp Mitchell is the sweetheart of the league, and Dex is his golden retriever; they both also know too well what it’s like being in a relationship in the public eye.

If there’s anyone I could trust, it should be these two.

I’m not sure I’m there yet, but I am in this goddamn bar, so that’s something.

“Anyone going to order me a drink?” I ask around the lump of nerves in my throat. “I am the incredibly good-looking goalie who out-saved the Vegas master.”

Dex points at Bilson and goes to say something, but Tripp sets his hand on him and talks first.

“You did amazing. You should be proud.”

That burst of happiness lights up in my chest as I drop down next to Bilson, who cracks up laughing.

“You are such a praise whore, look at you.”

I don’t even try to hide the way I’m smiling. “I guess that’ll be Tripp buying me a drink, then. Don’t worry, Dex. I’m sure the hero worship will wear off your husband soon.”

Dex scowls at me, but this is good. This is what I need. To focus on being a cocky idiot and not … everything else. While I’m teasing, Tripp actually does order me a drink, but when he’s done, he glances at Bilson, and I miss what the look means, but Bilson nods.

“Ah, yeah, Rook knows. He’s the only one.”

Tripp smiles at me. “I take it you’re supportive?”

If you call sleeping with him every night and wanting to crawl up on his lap supportive, then yes. “Of course.”

“Sorry, sometimes guys can be … weird. Dex and I had to deal with an asshole on our team when it all came out. Me being gay was one thing, but apparently, two of us in a relationship was too much for his tiny brain to handle.”

“They were homophobic?” My gut twists, trying to imagine that coming from one of my teammates.

“Oh, yeah.” Dex crosses his arms over the table. “Tried to hide it behind defending my ex, but it was obvious why he was being a dick.”

“I thought the league had rules about that?”

The three of them laugh at me—or maybe it’s for themselves. It’s hard to tell, but it doesn’t sound mean. Tripp’s the first to talk. “They … try. Some franchises are better than others. But when you get a bunch of people from all varying backgrounds together, there are bound to be some assholes in the mix.”

“Great.” I send a concerned look Bilson’s way and find him already watching me. “You sure this is what you want?”

His hand flexes like he wants to reach for me, but he holds back. I hate it. “Yeah. Surprisingly, that doesn’t scare me as much as losing … ah, myself. I like this new side of me. A lot.” He looks back over at the Mitchell brothers. “I don’t know how public I want to go because there’s a lot to consider there. But I do want people I can talk to about it.”

Dex smirks. “You haven’t said what ‘it’ is yet.”

“I technically did during the game.”

“That could have been fake-out smack talk, for all I know.”

“I’m bisexual.”

That’s the first time I’ve heard Bilson say it out loud. Seeing him own it, state it like it’s nothing, has the urge to cry sneaking up on me. Not tears of support—tears of anger, for myself and because I don’t get to have that too.

I shove it all back because this moment isn’t about me.

It could be though.

A round of drinks appears at the table, and I quickly scoop up my beer and gulp half of it down.

As soon as the server is gone, Tripp says, “Congrats, man. It’s a big thing to acknowledge about yourself, and I know we only focused on the negative just before, but there were a lot of positives too.”

“Like what?” I ask before I can stop myself.

They share a lovesick look between themselves. “Most people weren’t surprised we were together, which was a relief for me. I didn’t want them questioning Dex and getting in his head. Our sisters were super supportive, most of our team cared more about our losing streak than who we were going home with, the media backed off by the end of the season, we have the Queer Collective, and those guys are invaluable to us, but … the biggest positive⁠—”

“Is you,” Dex cuts in quickly. “Ha! I said it first. I’m the romantic one.”

“Sure you are, babe.”

“Trippy’s my person. When you find that, you can deal with everything. Everything. It doesn’t matter what comes for you because you always have that person at your side. I’d never had that with any of my exes, but I always had that with Tripp. Even before we got married. Even before my brain woke up. Everything was different with us, and when it clicked, I knew this was forever. Sure, staying married was probably a stupid choice for anyone else—we were still new and whatever—but it didn’t matter to me. I could feel he was forever. I didn’t need time. I didn’t need to adjust. All that stuff people say to get in your head is bullshit. You just know, you know? And I’ve never regretted a day with Tripp in my life.”

Tripp drops his head against Dex’s shoulder. “Fine. Okay. You get to be the romantic one. You’re going to kill me.”

Dex punches the air. “That’s how it’s done.”

But while they joke, everything Dex said was like he plucked my thoughts from my brain. I don’t dare look at Bilson because if he’s looking at me, I won’t be able to not touch him.

It’s only been a few months, but that moment of it all clicking for Dex? It’s happening for me. Right now. I’ve said before that I’ve never felt anything like this with anyone, and I’m starting to worry that I never will again.

If Bilson is my person, can I really let that go? Risk it?

Even if he’s not … do I want to?

All of this ending, not being able to call him mine, it sends this panicky wrongness through me.

And if I can’t let him go, I’m going to have to start thinking about the unthinkable. Are we strong enough to get through anything like the Mitchell brothers are?

Dex lifts his glass. “To Bilson, the newest QC member.”

Before I can toast with him, Tripp tugs his arm down. “He’s not a member yet. Ezra will kill you if it’s not done properly.”

“I thought he was an honorary member?” I ask.

“We’ve told him a thousand times that’s not a real thing.”

“Damn, I was hoping to get in on that.”

I’m not sure what makes me say the words because the second they’re out, Dex’s focus snaps to me. “You? Honorary?”

“He’s been a huge support,” Bilson says quickly. “My best friend on the team.”

“Yeah, we’ve heard all about your bromance.” Tripp grins my way. “Having someone you’re close with is a huge deal. Especially your rookie year.”

“You know, I was Tripp’s best friend on the team,” Dex says, clearly starting to put together what his husband hasn’t.

“Don’t make it weird.” Tripp shoves Dex. “It wasn’t the case for you, but straight men can be supportive too, you know.”

“Exactly.” Bilson tries to steer the conversation away. “There are some other guys on the team who I know won’t be a problem. Maybe down the line, I’ll tell them, but for now⁠—”

The second Bilson redirects the others, it hits me that I don’t want him to redirect them. I wanted them to guess and to force me to say the words, and Dex was so damn close, but we didn’t get there. Disappointment hammers down on me.

I want to be free too.

I want everything the men across from me have.

It might come at the cost of my family, but … what if it doesn’t?

The need I have for that to be true is overpowering.

I’m not brave enough for much, but before I can stop myself, I move my chair closer to Bilson’s and set my hand on the table so ours are side by side.

Then I link my pinky over his.

Bilson’s immediately tightens around me, cutting off what he was saying as his head flies my way. There’s a deep question in his eyes, and even though the urge to puke rolls over me, I give him the cockiest smile I can manage.

“Can’t be outdone by a dinosaur. I thought I was meant to be the progressive one in this relationship.”

“Miles …” He drops his voice and quickly glances around. “What are you doing?”

“Exactly what the fuck I want.” I turn and look Dex dead in the eyes. “Thank you.”

“Ah, for what?”

“Putting into words everything I’ve been struggling with.”

His whole face lights up. “I’ve been known to be smart sometimes.”

“I dunno, man, between now and that press conference I saw you in, it seems to me like you’re smart when it counts. Who cares about the rest of the time?”

“Sorry, Trippy, I think I’ve found a new best friend.”

I bark a laugh that’s less amusement and more this overwhelming ball of relief.

Tripp doesn’t look as happy as his husband though. “I take it, ah, this is one of the things you have to consider about going public?” he asks Bilson.

“It’s one part, but the other is that my relationships have been so public in the past that I don’t want to have to see all those catty posts and comments about how long until we get hitched or … or⁠—”

“You’ve dated the entire population of women, so now you’re turning to men?” I supply helpfully.

Bilson glares at me. “You’ll be paying for that later.”

Oh, damn, I hope so. “I love when you say that.”

Tripp directs his next question my way. “And you? Do you want to keep it quiet?”

“Yes. I want to hope for the best with my family, but I just can’t see them reacting well. And even on the off chance they come through for me, I don’t see how it won’t change things.”

“Miles is really close with them,” Bilson adds. “It’s not something I want to come between.”

“As long as you’re both on the same page. I’m not going to lie and say everything will be easy, but you both have to keep talking and make sure you’re comfortable with where you’re at. I was nervous—so fucking nervous—to come out when I was younger. To my parents, my team, I remember throwing up right before I did it. But they surprised me. I hope it’s the same for you.”

“If I tell them.”

Bilson’s hold on me tightens, and I know it’s in support. That if I keep us secret forever, he’ll understand. So I correct myself.

“When.” I suck in a breath. “When I tell them.”

“What?” Bilson’s knee knocks against mine. “Hey. You don’t have to. I get why you’re holding back, and if I had a family like yours, I’d probably be hesitant too. Don’t do it for me.”

“I’m not.” I meet his eyes, and the affection looking back at me makes me fall that bit more. “The more I think about it, the more I question how great they are. It’s easy to love someone when they’re who you want them to be, but the fact I’m unsure how they’ll react, that I think there’s a chance they might value my sexuality over my happiness … that’s not okay.”

“If you lose them⁠—”

“That’ll be their choice. I didn’t think that was ever something I could risk, but then Dex said all that stuff about having your person, and … I think that’s what you are for me. We might not be forever like they are, I have no idea, but I do know that for this one moment, you’ll be there, and you’ll make sure I get through it. No matter what.”

Bilson turns to the others. “And with that, we’ve gotta go. If I don’t get Miles somewhere I can kiss him in the next minute or two, I’m worried I’ll do it right here in the bar.”

My heart soars, and when Bilson lets go of me and stands, I hurry to follow him.

“I’m happy for you,” Tripp says. “But don’t rush into anything. I almost did that with divorcing Dex, and if he hadn’t been so stubborn, things might not have turned out the way they did.”

I look from him to his husband and back again, trying to imagine a world where they aren’t together. “Nah, there’s no way. I read all about your story on the ride here, and no matter what way things happened, you were always going to end up here.”

“Dex wouldn’t be Dex without Human Tripp,” Bilson agrees.

“Quit calling me that.”

“Sorry, man, I didn’t know you before the dog. So he gets name rights.”

Tripp sighs. “I’m going to kill Aleks.”

“Good for you.” Bilson slaps his shoulder. “Miles, we’re down to thirty seconds. Don’t mean to freak you out, babe, but you better run.”