5

I woke to a text from Reagan asking if I would join him for breakfast by the pool so we could talk. I was glad he'd realized—as the others had—that I liked having discussions and meetings up there instead of in my apartment.

It was more neutral and I didn't retain the bad in my space then. I didn't stare at spots and constantly rerun what happened in my mind.

I had enough of those already. Sometimes I still looked at the spot where I broke down after finding Brian hadn't told me about his promotion and had brought Andrew Murray back into my life.

I hurried through my normal morning routine and grabbed everything I needed for the gym and work so I could head out right after breakfast. I left it all in the party room and went outside to meet him.

"Good morning," he said from behind me.

I jumped and let out a yelp, turning to face him with a frown.

"You blew right by me," he chuckled. "I was getting ice from the freezer and grabbing the last of everything."

"Oh, sorry, it's Monday before coffee."

To which he replied by handing me a latte.

That worked.

We sat down and he fixed me a plate. It looked like he'd cooked the scrambler but picked up a fruit platter and some other items when he grabbed our coffees.

"It looks great, thanks," I muttered.

"I didn't know how to say what I was feeling without sounding rude," he told me, jumping right into it. "It all sounds so harsh and a bit mean to my ears, and I kept thinking of how to say it better or rephrase it so I'm not a complete asshole. But I can't. I can't figure out a way, and not talking to you sooner hurt you, so please, please just understand that and forgive me."

He waited until I gave a slow nod to continue.

"First, I know you're going to talk to Phobie more about what you said, and I want to talk to her as well. But I wanted to address it with you as well because I know you've worried about this for a while and I don't think you should. Not when it's me, jelly bean."

Again, I nodded, curious as to what he would say.

"I went to go see you speak because we heard you were the wolf infected by a Dorcus. We heard you were having trouble in Chicago—all wolf stuff. I can't change that. But I was struck stupid by how beautiful you were. You amazed me. You wanted to be anywhere else besides in that lecture hall, but I'm not sure the humans could tell that since you were so confident.

"You knew you had a job to do and were going to do it as best as you could. You were disarming and intelligent. I was instantly attracted to you, and then you remember the chemistry when we met." A soft smile formed on his face as if remembering that fondly.

I wished I felt the same. So much had happened since then and with how abused I'd been, I was too fast to toss out the good memories.

Those could cause the most pain later when things inevitably went bad.

"But no, I wouldn't have gone near you if you were human," he said gently, he hurried on when I winced. "Sera, you have the same rule. It's too dangerous. Even with as much control as I have, it's—I'm a born wolf. A human ages—dies. Even if I infect her because we fell in love, it…" He tried to hide a smile but failed, and I didn't understand why he was smiling.

Until I saw my hand had changed into a claw at the idea of him with another woman and falling in love.

They were just as jealous sometimes.

I let out a slow breath and got myself under control, focusing on my breakfast.

"I also don't think you're that different, jelly bean," he continued. "Brian says it all the time that he still sees the newbie who walked into his office even if now you run the office. I think—as many of us do—you were meant to be a wolf. I think if you were just a normal, born shifter I would absolutely have fallen in love with you. Even a fairy. Anyone who wouldn't die on me."

And that was fair. That was absolutely fair.

"I'm not upset and I'm not judging you guys," I told him honestly. "And we've already had this discussion. Several times with a few of you because I know this is my hang-up and where I get stuck. Even with the pack and—it's my shit. I don't think this is a big thing or something we're going to trip over."

He didn't look so sure.

I sighed. "I think I just needed to calmly hear what you said. What you said was fair and logical and not about me." I opened my mouth and then closed it, deciding to be honest with him. "I have trouble seeing that I'm worth loving, Reagan. To me, it's not so much about human versus wolf but how much shit I come with versus now I'm powerful and bring enough that—"

"You're worth it," he mumbled, scrubbing his neck when I nodded. "Okay, now I'm really going to be an asshole when I say the next part, but please understand that I love you so much that—it's not your power, Sera." He gave me a pained look. "Sometimes I dream you're Alpha of a small pack like Virgil and I'm your Beta. Just us."

Wow. Wow . I did not see that coming.

"I don't say that to hurt you, jelly bean," he rasped. "It's not often. Just sometimes when it feels like the storm will eat us and I wonder what—how happy we could be if in another life we had calm like that. We both like calm better. Calm nights in. Reading dates. That's…"

I nodded. "Please just say what you're thinking. I can feel how torn up you are. Let's just get this out and figure out how to handle it. I won't be mad if it's crass."

He let out a shaky breath. "Let's finish this first point. I didn't take offense to what you said. I heard you when you were telling Dain why you forgive Brian more. He speaks Sera. You guys have known each other so much longer. I just wanted to say that I don't think you're all that different than you were as a human. He doesn't. I think it's just we all change and mature—handle more."

Again, totally fair, and I accepted that. And I was glad he understood that it was specific to answering Dain, not picking a fight like how it came out.

"The storms are getting pretty bad for me," he told me bluntly. "So no, I'm not attracted to your power; I love you in spite of it. We have so much extra shit because you're powerful. Yes, you can protect more, but—it's always fucking on you. And then on us—the pack. It's exhausting. I think we need more Betas too.

"And loving you—Sera, sometimes I feel like I'm in a telenovela. Next, you're going to have an identical twin sister you didn't know about and adopted out and trained to be the ultimate clairvoyant weapon or something crazy. Or even if you don't take it to that extreme, but… It wouldn't be the weirdest thing if you did end up having a twin.

"At this point, I think I'd just shrug. A dad coming back to sell your half brother who's now my son. You were abducted by Nina's husband who was supposed to be dead. You have magic that you're suppressing because of it, and wolves aren't supposed to have magic . Now this with your mom and more half-siblings?"

I swallowed loudly when his eyes were a bit panicked. "Are you saying you want to get off the crazy train?"

His gaze immediately snapped to mine and tears filled his pretty eyes. "No. No! Not ever. That's not remotely where my head is. Please, don't even think that ever again, okay? Never."

I let out a slow breath and nodded. "So you're drowning in my shit?" I winced at what was in his eyes that wasn't happy. "You have to be patient with me too, Reagan. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to understand."

"That's fair," he accepted. "It sounded flippant."

I frowned. "No, I'm sorry. I do that so I can hear it or more—I'm trying to clarify that's what you're saying. I keep my sarcasm thick, Reagan. I make it clear when I'm being a shit."

"You're right." He let out another breath. "Yes, it's all your stuff, but you know it affects more than you."

I looked away from him, feeling like history was repeating itself. Images and moments with Tristan flashed through my head and I felt like I was breaking.

In a flash, I was out of my chair and in his arms. He sat down on the chaise lounge so we had more room and cradled me to him.

"Don't," he begged. "Please don't think of him or compare us. This is—I'm not Tristan, Sera. I would never—please."

I nodded, snuggling against him. It wasn't his fault, and I didn't mean to bring my past into this. "Sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he rasped as he kissed my hair. Then he rubbed his cheek against mine. "I thought you would regret letting Carter chew out Eddie and how things were turning out. Sometimes you can't fix what is broken—you know that. And I didn't want Carter or Eddie's dickhead uncle ruining the relationship between you two.

"And Brian instantly agreed. I thought I couldn't be wrong then. Normally, I wait, and—I'm not blaming Brian. But normally I do wait, and I'm not quick to jump on you." He let out a shaky breath when I nodded, having thought the same in the moment. "I was mostly pissed Carter was speaking for you and also how could I help fix this with your brother."

Tears burned my eyes and he felt them, whispering he was sorry and loved me. That he was wrong and didn't mean to be so judgmental. That he couldn't get his footing with so much crazy and didn't know how to help.

"You can't wait so long to tell me this side even if we have to put the rest on the backburner," I told him as I fisted his shirt. "It hurts so much when you aren't on my side. I was—I'm breaking, Reagan, and you fucking sided with them ."

"I'm sorry, jelly bean. That wasn't how I felt at all, and I just—I can't move as fast as you guys. I'm too overwhelmed as well being Alpha for you."

That was what this was really about. I felt it. I felt how exhausted and overwhelmed he was. He was basically Alpha for me with Hagan, but he was the strongest, so he was Alpha.

Really, he was.

And Reagan had never wanted that.

"I need help. This last situation was too much for me too. We need more help," he told me. "We're in a much better position, and I saw the signs earlier this time. I'm still sorry I hurt you and mishandled the situation. I am. It's no excuse, but I'm drowning."

"What do you need?" I asked as I wiped my eyes and leaned back to look at him.

He searched my gaze. "I do not want another woman. Not ever. That's not what this is about when I—"

"Reagan, spit it out before I freak out again," I whispered, my heart beating in my throat. Guilt was pouring off of him.

He sighed. "Freddie has Jessica. Her role in the pack is basically to support him while yes, she works, but she's always picking up to help him. Joan for Nestor as well. Theon and Christos don't have the same type of job as Beta as we do."

I moved my hand over his mouth when he went to ramble some more. "You want a ‘Vinn' basically? Not a little wifey, but you need more specific help because you are basically Alpha as my partner?"

Relief filled his eyes and the guilt left from my nose.

Good thing I knew how to speak Reagan.

"Done," I said easily, nodding when his eyes flashed shock. "Done and done, Reagan. Seriously, we all need a fucking Vinn. I think Carter does too. Hell, the Vinns can meet and handle some of the smaller shit too. It's been much better having a coordinator for the Betas, right?"

"Yes. A thousand percent. It's just Hagan and I handle business stuff and more because we're the Betas who are your partners too. And I agree that Carter needs a Vinn. One of these ancient team leads coming in, and that team is just Carter's help to jump around. Seriously. We just brought in another twenty prey shifters, and we're all—all the buildings you bought—"

"Yeah, it's too much," I whispered, forgiving him for the shit with Eddie. "Next time make sure I know you're on my side and work on fixing after things calm down. It especially hurt that Wade was being a sexist prick with me and you guys like ignored that."

"No, I missed that," he sighed. "I thought he'd talked directly with Brian at the station or one of the meetings. I hadn't given it a thought until Dain laid into us both that he was your attorney and husband, but he went to your boss basically in his mind and tattled on you. That it was all so perverse that it made him sick and we were too stupid to see it."

I blinked at him, shocked that Dain had made such a big deal about it.

"Sera, you do not see his love for you like the rest of us do," he said gently. "That man—I love you. I'm so in love with you, but—his soul is yours. I wish I could give myself like that to you completely."

Wow, I already thought that of Reagan maybe more than anyone else in my life. Maybe I really couldn't see how Dain loved me.

Or he let others see in a way he didn't show me? Why not tell me that he'd chewed the others out?

I wasn't sure but… Both of us were pains?

I asked Reagan to have a meeting with the Betas and Carter and determine what they all needed. We did need to delegate more, and maybe we could find someone soon who was a dedicated business manager for me since everything was getting so big. Even a wolf from Greece who wanted the training and experience.

But not out in the big scary world on their own given how sheltered some of the Greek wolves could be. Alena had a damn team keeping her going most days, and it was time to start learning more of her good habits.

Especially when she and Laila wanted to expand more and more for me. Seriously.

The only other thing Reagan asked for was more calm times. He wanted more snuggles while working on paperwork and whatnot. He had trouble asking because he felt like he was imposing on my needed solo quiet time as an introvert.

Silly man. He wasn't a problem even when I needed that.

He was a bonus.

He seemed to feel worlds better when I said that, and I felt better that we were settled, the situation handled. Good because I had to leave for a few days and that was enough of an issue in itself. I hated leaving feeling like things were a mess or there were problems.

Eva landed before work finished up, so she was already at the apartment building when I arrived home and having fun with Topher. I smiled as she cooed and danced around with him.

"What amuses you so much, Granddaughter?" she asked as she kept dancing.

"You are maybe the most powerful and lethal person in the world and yet one of the most loving and gentle beings with those who are weak and fragile. I don't ever want to forget that or lose that as my power grows," I answered honestly.

She froze in what she was doing and slowly glanced at me. "How you can say such amazing compliments and not even bat an eyelash—you are the amazing one, Seraphine. Most would never be so honest or open, but—you see your bluntness or lack of public relations as a fault, but it is not. You are a gem. Never forget that."

"Thank you, Grandmother," I accepted after a moment. I nodded to Topher. "Also, how the little bugger is a miracle." I shrugged when her eyebrows pinched. "I was terrified of babies, but he made it easy on me. You were terrified of clairvoyants and now you're completely at ease with him. He does the same with others. His superpower is wiggling in and helping people."

"A fine trait to have," she praised Topher, clearly agreeing. "Not all of us can be bulls like your mother and me. Some need to be subtle and help without doing damage." She peppered his face with kisses. "Now, we will see you for dinner, but I need to help your mother a bit before she leaves."

I sent Topher a few images to help with what she was saying. The little bugger simply pursed his lips for another kiss.

"He truly is the most aware baby I have ever met," she chuckled after giving the kiss. "Astounding."

"He is, but how we communicate with images helps," I admitted. "I can put things into Topher for him. He doesn't want you to leave already, but I can explain we'll eat dinner with images and that I need help."

"And you thought you wouldn't be a good mother," she purred as she handed him over to Maya. "Thank you again for keeping everyone safe and healthy here. You are a—when you are ready for a vacation, we will provide one in Greece with you and your family. I know you need to train people first, but it's a standing offer."

"Thank you, truly, Matriarch, but I am very spoiled here in my position and there is no rush." She winked at Topher. "I agree we all need breaks, but I get them often with his fathers and the princess." She hurried on when Eva went to argue. "But I will gladly accept as I do wish to spend time with my children and their families as well."

"Good, good." Eva came over and hugged me tightly. "I have missed you, Seraphine."

"I've missed you too," I whispered, instantly feeling better because she was there and knew she would help. "Let's go talk by the pool and I'll catch you up on what I think you need to hear directly from me."

"Yes, good. That is where I wished to start."

So we did, and it helped me emotionally just to get some of it out.

"Next time I want to hear more about your birth mother even if it's hard for you," she said gently. She sighed when I couldn't hide my shock. "Your wolf needs to hear it. She needs to hear more than your racing thoughts. There are—do you ever see the teasing of people who talk to their pets?"

What she said hit me hard. "You're saying I need to talk to her more like physically instead of just asking her mentally if she's okay?"

"Yes. In a way." She shrugged. "I talk to mine all of the time, especially when men are stupid." She reached out and rubbed my hand. "I say this not to hurt you, but my mate was upset I was coming here to help you again when you're not our blood. I talked over my feelings with my wolf on the flight here, so I feel confident how to handle that when I return home."

I searched her eyes. "How will you handle it?"

"Harshly." She nodded when I couldn't hide my shock. "I love you, Seraphine. I do not care that you are adopted. You are our blood now and I adore you ." She let out a slow breath. "And it is time to admit that something was wrong with Bernard."

I felt my blood run cold and she did a double take, clearly busting me.

"What do you know?"

"I really don't want to start trouble," I whispered, pulling my hand away. "Your grief is valid no matter who he was."

"Yes, but you are not a replacement for him. You are… I want to say better, but that's still comparing grandchildren. You are not interchangeable, and—I know you feel like a vehicle we traded up for when we speak on this sometimes."

"Yes, but a lot of that is my sensitivity to how I was raised and treated," I reminded her. "That's how it always was in foster care. I got traded out for a better kid. It's triggering for me."

She nodded. "That is what your mother and I have learned." She took my hand back. "Tell me. There is no drama from me. Only some harsh truths we need to learn."

I nodded and told her what Zeno's younger brother Joshua had told me about Bernard. I even went further and told her when Melicent had talked about their beliefs that wolves who weren't made right should fall on their swords, I worried she knew and was trying to comfort me. But I didn't know. I didn't know any of that for sure.

"What did your FBI files say?" she asked after several quiet minutes. She scratched at her arm when I didn't answer. "You profile your criminals to catch them, yes? What did his profile say?"

I thought back to it and frowned. "I honestly don't remember. It's been so—I retain that information as needed and drain it when the case is done. Otherwise, we'd all be too overloaded to handle the next case. I could look, but none of it was flattering. It might be worse for you to hear."

She seemed to accept that. "Maybe. Maybe if this doesn't work, but Zeno's brother is a good person to have them speak with as well. He isn't some outsider who barely knows our family. He was Bernard's uncle and very involved in our family when he was around."

But removed enough with his travels that he wasn't blinded to the situation. That made complete sense.

"I'm sorry that I'm bringing this upset to your life," I whispered.

"You are not. Stupid men are who don't hear us that you are not a replacement for Bernard are not worth a thought, and we have not transferred our feelings for him onto you. I love you for who you are. I didn't meet you with love. It grew." She took my face in her hands. "Because you are worth loving. You are easy to love. I know you are struggling, but believe me that I believe that. For now."

I could do that.

I could do at least that for right now.