Chapter 15

Dix closedthe door to his room and stood there sucking in lungfuls of air, trying hard to rein in his need, his desire to have Doc. Because dear God, after what he'd just seen? He was going to have Doc. What Dix needed to work on was just how hard he was going to take him. He wasn't a selfish lover, but he knew he could be a demanding one, and what lay uppermost in his mind was the knowledge that he would be Doc's first. Patience would be a necessity. Dix needed to take his time, to show Doc what it was like to be with another man.

No, not even another man—to show him what it was like to be with Dixon Meeks.

Then he remembered he wasn't alone. He turned to find Doc standing in the middle of the room, his face downturned. Dix didn't miss the tremor that rippled through him.

"I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry." Even Doc's voice trembled. Then his words registered, and Dix froze.

What? Shit.

He closed the distance between himself and Doc, who failed to meet Dix's gaze. He cupped Doc's cheek, tilting his head up with a gentle motion until those pale blue eyes met his. "I'm not at all upset or angry, Doc, but you wanna know what I am?" Doc managed a nod, and Dix leaned in to whisper. "I'm fucking turned on."

The hitch in Doc's breathing sent a trickle of electricity through him.

Dix stroked his cheek. "I wish you could see yourself the way I do. Those pictures? They were amazing, but?—"

"You liked them?" Doc widened his eyes. "You can pick the ones you want to keep."

Dix chuckled. "I'm keeping them all, Doc. Every last fucking one. But as awesome as they are, they don't even come close to the real thing. Every time I see you, I'm blown away by everything that makes you who you are."

Doc was like a statue, seemingly hanging on Dix's every word, and Dix realized he might never get another chance like this.

Time for a little truth.

Dix placed his hands on Doc's shoulders. "You know what I really want? You, in my life. My Doc." His heart thumped. "I know I'm nowhere near as smart as you, but I'm no dummy either."

Doc's eyes were huge. "What? You're not a dummy. Don't say such stupid things."

"I don't think it's stupid. I can't match up to you, and that's the truth. You're leagues beyond me."

Doc tilted his head to one side. "Can you fix a car?"

The change in direction threw him. "Uh, yeah. Why?"

"I can't." Doc chuckled. "I can't change the oil either. Plus, I believed the man when he said there was premium air for my tires, and?—"

Dix squeezed his shoulder. "Wait—premium air?"

Doc's cheeks pinked. "He said it was the best air you could get for your tires. I figured he knew what he was talking about, so I said okay." He gave an embarrassed shrug. "What can I say? I was stupid."

And fucking adorable.

"No, sweetheart." Dix smiled. "You were trusting and maybe also a little na?ve. But that isn't stupid at all—that's part of being a good person. The only thing wrong is we expect others to be good and decent too." He moved in a little, conscious of Doc's body heat. "Never change who you are, okay? Even when someone takes advantage of your good nature, keep in mind that's on them, not you." He peered into Doc's beautiful eyes, and his heart hammered. "Can I kiss you?"

The corner of Doc's mouth lifted. "After that speech? I'd be really disappointed if you didn't."

Dix closed the gap between them, their mouths meeting in a sweet brushing of lips. It was heady as fuck, and while it only lasted a moment, the brief encounter confirmed one thing.

He was addicted to this smart-as-fuck man who thought there was premium air.

Josh heldhis breath as he melted into his very first kiss, because Christopher's attempt sure as hell didn't count. It was sweet, gentle, and made his heart thud almost painfully.

This was what I've been missing out on for all those years? If every kiss was like this, he could easily become an addict. Then again, would that happen with a mind like his, a mind constantly off on another tangent? How would Dixon react when Josh forgot he was there, when he lost focus on the act they were engaged in? Because it was a very real possibility. His present state was testimony to that. Dixon was kissing him, and the cogs in Josh's head were whirring at full speed.

Will he be offended?

"Dixon?" Josh murmured against his lips.

"Yeah, Doc?" Dixon's voice rumbled as he moved his lips down to Josh's neck, nibbling the skin, raising goose bumps.

"What if I lose focus? You know, when we're…."

Dixon pulled back, and Josh wanted to cry, to beg him to continue, but this was too important a topic to dismiss. Dixon studied Josh's face, and the ensuing silence set Josh's stomach churning.

"Then you lose focus." Dixon smiled, and Josh's heart calmed. Dixon's eyes twinkled. "Trust me, I have ways to bring it back to me. To bring you back into the moment."

Josh believed him.

Dixon inclined his head toward the bedroom door. "You going to be okay if we move this to somewhere more comfortable?"

Josh nodded, but to his surprise, Dixon didn't move.

"No, I'm sorry. I need to know what's going on in that beautiful brain of yours. Both of us need to talk if we're going to avoid misunderstandings or miscommunication. So I'll rephrase my question, and then you can answer it." He locked gazes with Josh. "Will you be okay if we go into the bedroom?"

Josh smiled. "Yeah, please. I want to."

Dixon took Josh's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze before leading him to the door.

Oh, God. This is really happening.

Dixon came to a halt. "Hey, you tensed up. If you don't want this?—"

"No! I do." Damn his nerves. "I really do. It's just…." He closed his eyes.

Dixon's arms enfolded him in a heartbeat, and Josh leaned into him, conscious of being safe, protected….

"I know. It's your first time. It's okay to be nervous." Dixon chuckled. "You should've seen me my first time."

He blinked. "You were nervous?"

Dixon laughed. "Like you wouldn't believe. But I'll make you a promise. If at any time you feel uncertain, you say the word and we stop. I won't be angry or upset or hurt." His fingers were gentle on Josh's neck. "Taking care of you is my main priority, and if you aren't feeling it, then we don't move forward." He leaned in and kissed Josh again, soft and gentle. "Consent is where it's at, baby."

That one word had the power to unravel him.

He let Dixon lead him through the door, stopping to kick off his shoes as he always did, his heartbeat racing when they reached the bed. "There is something we need to discuss. Before we do… anything." Dixon gave him an inquiring glance, and Josh's cheeks burned. "Protection? I mean, we'll need some, right? I know I have no experience to speak of, but?—"

Dixon stopped his words with another kiss. Then he smiled. "Safety first, Doc. I like that." He patted the mattress. "Sit."

Josh did as he was told, and Dixon sat beside him.

"Okay. First thing you need to know is that I'm on PrEP. You know what that is, right?" He grinned. "What am I saying? You know everything."

Josh relaxed a little. "Yeah, I know what it is." And knowing Dixon took care of himself only added to his assumptions.

I can depend on him.And when was the last time Josh had depended on anyone?

"Good. Now for the second thing."

He couldn't resist. "Can I ask how many things are on this mental list you're working through? Will we still be talking in an hour's time?"

Dixon's pupils enlarged. "I know exactly what I hope we'll be doing in an hour's time, and it certainly won't be talking." He arched his eyebrows. "Do I continue?"

If the lump of solid flesh behind Josh's zipper could speak, it would probably have yelled for Dixon to get a move on. "Yes," Josh croaked.

"Okay. I get tested regularly for STIs. I have my CrossBow physicals, just like you, but every three months, I have another test because I'm on PrEP."

"Do I get tested?" He'd look into PrEP too.

Dixon nodded. "It's a good routine to get into."

"So you don't use condoms?" Josh had often thought he'd die of embarrassment at the mere thought of walking into a drugstore and purchasing them. Then again, he'd never envisaged needing them. "Don't they prevent STIs?"

"Sure, but they're not absolutely reliable. I used to use them, until one time when I hooked up with a guy who—" He broke off. "Am I okay to talk about past guys I had sex with? Because if that makes you feel uncomfortable, then?—"

Josh bit his lip. "If you're going to go into graphic, blow-by-blow descriptions…." He chuckled. "Yeah, okay, bad word choice. If you're going to do that, then no, I am not okay with it. But if it's something you feel is important, then tell me." He smiled. "You were saying…. This guy…."

Dixon relaxed his shoulders, and Josh knew he'd said the right thing.

"He was a porn star, and the studio he worked for didn't use condoms. They did, however, have a set of protocols for all their models. He shared it with me, and I've been following it ever since."

Protocols was right up Josh's street. "What does it involve?"

"I've already mentioned the first two steps. Step three is this." Dixon opened a drawer in the nightstand and removed a small white pill bottle. He placed it in Josh's hand.

Josh peered at the label and read aloud. "Doxycycline." He frowned. "An antibiotic?"

Dixon nodded. Josh listened intently as he explained the science behind it. He couldn't help but smile, because the chemical compositions and their effect on the body? Yeah, those were his wheelhouse. With the words Dixon was using, it was obvious he was knowledgeable about the subject, and Josh could tell he understood it. It wasn't like Christopher, who tried to pretend he understood Josh when he clearly didn't.

"Did you hear a word I said?"

Josh smiled. "Every word."

Dixon grinned. "I have all the research saved. I figured you'd want to read through it."

Josh laughed. "Wow. It's like you know me." He put the bottle on the nightstand, and Dixon took hold of his hands.

"It's a lot to take in, I know, but doing all this has kept me bug-free. And once you get into a routine, it becomes second nature."

He'd gotten one part wrong. This wasn't a lot to take in—this was huge.

Dixon rubbed the back of Josh's hands. "The whole point about sharing all this is to make sure you're happy with it before we proceed. And if you're not happy with my routines, then…." Dixon smiled. "I'll go out now and find a drugstore that's open, and buy a ton of condoms."

He laughed. "You're planning on using that many?" That quiet voice at the back of his mind piped up, and Josh's stomach gave a roil. "This isn't going to be a one-off, then?"

Tell me this isn't just a fling.

Tell me we're not going to go our separate ways once you get laid.

He thought he already knew which way Dixon would go, but he wanted to hear the words.

Gods, Dixon was so still, and it sent Josh's heart plummeting.

Dixon took a deep breath.

"Listen to me. I haven't had sex with anyone—other than my right hand—since I fell under the sway of this fucking adorable redhead."

A rush of warmth surged through Josh, but Dixon wasn't done.

"If you want us to continue the relationship—and I hope to hell you do—I'm not going anywhere. Not even thinking about anyone else." He looked Josh in the eye, and that steady gaze sent shivers through him. "And I will never give you a reason to doubt me."

Okay, maybe there was a God after all.

Josh squared his shoulders. "Thanks for the offer, but no, you don't need to go out and buy condoms. I trust that you won't put me in harm's way. And maybe it's time we see where this relationship is going." He smiled. "So that's the TED talk done with?" Dixon gave a nod. Josh leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. "That's the theory part, then. Why don't we put it all into practice?"