52. Ella

52

ELLA

L etty’s sympathetic eyes hold mine, but as much as her support means to me, I can’t take it any longer.

I don’t want everyone to look at me like I’m this broken little thing they don’t know what to do with.

I know they don’t mean it. They’re my best friends. My family. All they want to do is help, to do anything in their power to make it better.

But therein lies the problem.

There is nothing they can do.

There is nothing anyone can do.

I’ve felt pain before, time and time again. But none of it compares to this.

The tight ache in my heart right now is all-consuming.

I stare down at my hands, fighting to pull in every breath my lungs need.

My eyes scratch with every blink, sore from crying more tears than I thought possible. My chest aches from the sobs, and my muscles burn with exhaustion.

I can’t remember the last time I got any decent sleep. Every time I do eventually drift off, all I see is him. The dreams of the good times are just as painful as the nightmares.

Nothing I do relieves the unrelenting pressure on my chest.

I feel like I’m dying. Like my body no longer wants to continue functioning.

It sounds dramatic, I’m aware of that. But it’s honestly how it feels.

I’m falling deeper and deeper into relapse and I have no idea how to get out, even if I had the strength to do so.

Colton has a house. A whole other home that he never told me about.

Letty hasn’t told me the details, but I shamelessly eavesdropped on a conversation between her and Luca.

He bought the home to escape. It’s his sanctuary.

And his penthouse in the city is…his fuckpad.

Disgust and disbelief collide within me.

He told me that I was the only one to go there.

But…the truth is that I was no different from all the other women he brought back to that place.

I wasn’t special.

His words, his promises were empty.

So why did he tell you about his mom?

I shake that thought away.

I want to believe that he meant every word.

He warned me that it would be hard, that he would try and push me away. But this right now isn’t pushing.

He’s severed everything that was between us.

The way he’s turned his back on me, on us, is cold and cruel.

After everything…

After everything we shared. I told him everything—all my insecurities, all my struggles—and he held me and told me that he loved me, for fuck’s sake. But the whole time he was hiding this whole other life from me.

“What do you want to do, Ella?” Letty asks. She’s been skirting around the question for days, but it seems like my time might finally be up.

I guess I can only drown in my own misery for so long.

Movement outside the floor-to-ceiling windows of her home catches my eye, and I watch as Mom chases Kyan around the garden with a huge smile on her face.

She deserves that. She deserves to be a grandmother.

Another wave of pain rolls through me.

It occurs to me that this is probably how I should have felt when I discovered Chad cheating on me. It’s even more evidence I don’t need that I never loved him.

Colt, though…I’m not sure it’s possible to love another in the way I love Colt. He wormed his way into my heart, my soul, every fiber of my fucking being a long time ago. And if I’ve learned anything from this experience, it’s that there’s a very good possibility he’ll never leave.

He left his mark on my life, and it’ll forever be tainted by it.

Every man I ever meet will be compared to him, and something tells me that no matter how good that man may be, he’ll never stand up to Colt.

What we have together is magic.

He’s my soul mate, my one true love. We just…

I sob again and Letty moves closer, wrapping her arm around me and holding me tight.

Her warmth is soothing, but it does nothing for the pain.

“I-I—” I stutter, unable to force the words I need to say from my throat.

Sucking in a deep breath, I steel myself to tell her the decision I’ve made.

“I need to go home.” The words are cold, hard, and hold zero conviction or strength. But despite how they sound, I know I’m doing the right thing.

Before all of this, I was ready for Seattle to be my new home.

But now, I want to be anywhere in the world that doesn’t remind me of him at every turn.

He is etched into every inch of this city. His face and number adorn more than a few billboards, but it’s more than that. It’s the place he loves, the place he always wanted to be.

It’s his home, and while I can’t bear to be here without being by his side, I also can’t be here when he doesn’t want me.

Our friends are family, and at some point, our worlds would collide again, and I know for a fact that I am not strong enough for that.

I thought the last time almost broke me. This time is coming dangerously close. But a third time? Hell no.

I might love him until my dying day, but I can’t keep doing this to myself.

“Mom and I are going to fly out tomorrow morning.”

Her breath catches at my confession.

“I’m sorry. I just…I can’t be here now.”

“But…but what if?—”

“Letty,” I interrupt, my voice finding a little strength. “He doesn’t want me,” I argue, predicting what she was going to say. “I can’t be here knowing that. It’s his home, not mine.”

She wants to argue; I can see it in her eyes when I finally summon enough courage to look over, but thankfully, she doesn’t.

I know all the reasons she wants to. I do. I want to be here with her and Kane, watching little Kyan grow up. I want to hang out with Peyton and Luca. I want to watch the guys succeed and stand beside my girls, cheering while it happens. But I can’t. Not without him.

“I don’t want you to go," she confesses. I try to hide the pain her words cause, but I don’t do a very good job.

“I’ll come back,” I promise, although, honestly, I’m not sure if it’s true.

How could I ever come back here now?

“We can come to you too,” she offers.

“Yeah,” I agree despite knowing the reality of that is slim. Their lives are crazy; even in the off-season, they won’t have much time to come and just hang out.

I’m fully aware that I’m about to go running back to Texas and return to my hermit lifestyle. At least this time I’ll be with Mom.

“We need to do something tonight,” she says.

“I’m not going out, Let. I can’t.” The thought of her dragging me to a restaurant makes me want to vomit right here on her couch.

“No, we won’t go out. Just have the guys here. Little food, few drinks. Send you off in style.” She smiles hopefully at me, but it doesn’t get anywhere close to making me feel that way.

I’m not sure I’ll ever feel hopeful again.

M y final night in Seattle was depressing at best.

I was surrounded by people I loved, but nothing they could do or say could get through the thick layer of impenetrable ice that had formed around my heart.

Letty, thankfully, organized for buffet food to be delivered, which meant no one other than she and Mom were watching how much—or how little—I ate. And there were cocktails. They might not have tasted quite like they should, but they were strong, and that was all I needed.

Sure, I regretted that the second Mom came to get me so that we could get ready to leave, my head was pounding, but honestly, it was a welcome distraction from the pain in my chest.

A pain that only got worse with every step I took away from the city.

Over and over, I told myself that I was doing the right thing, and by some miracle, I managed to say goodbye to everyone and keep it together.

It was either that or I’d just run out of tears, which was entirely possible at this point.

I walked through the airport with my head as high as I could hold it and Mom by my side.

She’s been incredible. But then, I guess, she’s had plenty of experience at picking me up when I’m falling apart. It’s been a pattern in my life for far too long.

It’s not until we’re walking down the tunnel toward the airplane that I begin to lose the fight with my emotions.

I focus on home, on the comfort that Mom’s house will offer me. I think about seeing Benny—I’ve missed that little brat. And I think about all the familiar things I’ll find back in our hometown.

But without even being there yet, I know it won’t feel like Seattle did before that fateful football game.

I pause when we get to the doors, the flight attendants waiting to welcome us on board, and I turn around, staring back up the way I’ve come.

“Ella?” Mom whispers behind me.

My heart begins to race impossibly fast and my head spins.

“Ella?”

Lifting my hand to my chest, I cover my pounding heart as I fight to catch my breath.

I’m leaving him.

I’m really leaving him behind.

Maybe I should have taken Luca up on the offer of going to his house.

Maybe I should have tried one last time.

He doesn’t want you. He never has.

A warm hand wraps around my upper arm and thankfully, I’m dragged back to reality.

“Ella, are we getting on the plane or?—”

“Yes,” I say, trying to sound more confident than I feel. “Yes. We’re going. I was just…” I suck in a shaky breath as others waiting to board move past us. “I was just saying g-goodby—” My sob steals the end of that word and I fall into her arms, finally giving in to the devastation of the moment.

She holds me tightly as she whispers in my ear that she loves me.

I can only imagine how we must look to the other passengers, but I can’t find it in me to care that they’re probably all praying they’re not seated next to the crazy crying woman.

If they’d been through what I have, they’d be crying too.

By the time I calm down enough to stand on my own two feet without feeling like I’m about to collapse, the last of the passengers are being welcomed onto the plane.

“Come on, baby. It’s time to go home,” Mom says, taking my hand and leading me toward the flight attendants.

They both look at me with sympathy spilling from their eyes.

I hate it.

“Good morning, welcome aboard. Can we see your boarding passes please?’

Mom hands them over while the other woman watches me cautiously.

I keep my eyes downcast, but still, I recognize the moment reality hits her.

“Oh, my goodness, you’re?—”

Being locked away in the hospital, then Mom’s suite, or Letty’s house, it’s easy to forget that my photograph has been splashed all over the media.

“Don’t,” I warn, my voice barely sounding like my own. I don’t threaten people. Ever. But if she so much as tries to say his name right now…

Fuck. I don’t know. What am I really going to do? Cry more?

I shake my head and follow Mom down the aisle to find our seats as the attendants no doubt gossip behind us.

Flipping the hood of my hoodie up over my head, I try my best to hide as a few pairs of eyes move my way.

Honestly, they probably just want to check that I’ve pulled it together, but now I know that I’ve been recognized…well, every single person on this plane could understand exactly who’s shattered my heart into this many jagged pieces.

Mom steps aside so I can take the window seat, aware that I won’t want to sit next to a stranger in this state, and I shuffle down.

I focus on my breathing as the attendants do all their checks, and before I know it, we start moving.

The second the airport building begins getting smaller, I curl myself up in a ball and start crying all over again.

Thanks for everything, Colt. But we’re over now.