49. Ella

49

ELLA

M y eyes burn and my throat is rough, but none of it matters.

Colt’s words continue to play out in my mind.

He sent me away.

And not just for the night.

He told me to enjoy my life.

Another loud sob falls from my throat as a whole new wave of grief and heartache cuts through me like a knife.

The door to my room opens before the bed dips and Mom’s arm wraps around me.

She’s been incredible.

Everyone has been. No sooner did we get back last night than Letty and Peyton arrived with open arms and a bottle of vodka.

I ignored the vodka—that was the last thing I needed. Their support, however…

“Shush, baby,” Mom whispers. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Is it, though?

How?

Everything is broken. Wrong.

Painful.

I was given a taste of what the ultimate happiness could be like, and then it was ripped away in the most unfair of circumstances.

Why did he do it?

“He’s just scared, baby,” Mom answers, making me wonder if I asked that out loud or if she’s just that in tune with me.

I sniffle in agreement.

He is scared. I get that.

I’m fucking scared.

But isn’t that why we should be standing together? Facing this together?

Another body-trembling sob rocks through me.

I thought I’d experienced the worst kind of pain in my life.

But I was wrong.

Nothing that I’ve been through before this moment even begins to compare.

I’ve always loved Colt. That’s not news to me.

But to have him love me back. To have him finally drop those walls and love me in return and then to have it taken away…

“Everything will look better when the sun rises,” Mom promises.

I crack my sore eyes open and look at the window.

It’s still dark.

She should be sleeping, putting all of this behind her.

Guilt floods my body.

She flew across the country to support me, to be there for Colt, and look where she’s ended up. Once again picking up the pieces of my life and attempting to put me back together.

She holds me tighter as my sobs continue to rip through the air, but eventually, my exhausted body wears itself out and I drift off into a fitful sleep. It’s full of torturous dreams of the life I was so close to having.

I thought this was it. I thought Seattle and Colt were my home.

A fresh start where I could put the pain of the past behind me.

Clearly, it was nothing more than wishful thinking.

When I wake again, my heart feels just as heavy, my eyes are scratchy, my throat is sore, but I’m alone and the sun is peeking through the curtain.

A new day has dawned, and nothing feels better.

If anything, the hopelessness is worse.

I have no idea if Colt had a good night. If his PT session went well. For all I know, he could be up and around walking right now. They could be sending him home today and I wouldn’t know.

More tears dance on my eyelashes, threatening to spill.

How do I have any left?

Despite my desire to bury myself beneath the sheets and pray that I just disappear, my need for the bathroom stops that from being a possibility.

Throwing the covers back, I pad across the thick carpet and slip into the room.

I pee before coming to a stop in front of the sink to wash my hands and brush my teeth.

It should be easy. They’re things I’ve done a million times over without thought in the past.

So why does each task feel akin to climbing a mountain?

Reaching for the toothbrush, I gingerly put some toothpaste on and lift it to my mouth.

The strong mint taste explodes on my tongue, but it does little else to refresh me.

I have no idea how long it takes me, but I’m exhausted by the time I’m finished, and without even attempting to wash my hands, I shuffle back to the bedroom and disappear under the sheets. Curling myself up into a tight ball, I let the tears flow once more.

“ E lla,” a soft voice whispers before the bed dips behind me.

I want to groan, but then a small pair of hands land on my body before baby babble hits my ears.

Kyan.

I want to sob again, only for an entirely different reason.

It’s a low blow on Letty’s part to bring her unbelievably cute son as a distraction technique, but damn her, because it’s probably going to work.

He crawls over me while Letty encourages him to find me, and before long, my covers are pulled back and her beaming little boy stares down at me.

“E-uh,” he says, making my heart melt into a puddle.

“We’ve been practicing,” Letty explains.

“It’s perfect,” I whisper, reaching out to cuddle him.

He humors me for a good twenty seconds before he begins wriggling.

“Here you go, bud,” Letty says, handing him some cars to play with.

He quickly makes himself at home at the bottom of the bed, wheeling them around and making them crash into each other.

“And I brought you a coffee. A strong one,” she says, looking down at me.

“Thanks,” I mutter, pushing my exhausted and weak body up the bed.

As soon as I’m settled against the headboard, Letty hands me a cup. I hug it to me like a lifeline while my stomach sloshes with acid and my chest continues to ache like someone has pushed something straight through the center of it.

I don’t say a word, and neither does Letty as she watches me. I don’t need to look over to know that her eyes are dark and full of concern.

“He’s okay, El. Luca said his PT session yesterday was fantastic and that Colt was stronger and more determined than they were expecting.”

“That’s great,” I whisper, the words barely audible.

“He’s just scared. All of this…it’s been a lot.”

“I know that. I am too. But do you see me running?”

“Locking stuff down and hiding from the world is how Colt handles things. You know this. It’s how it’s taken you two this long to get here.”

“He sent me away, Letty. He told me to leave and go and enjoy my life.”

She lets out a pained sigh. “I know, but he didn’t mean it.”

“Didn’t he?” I ask bitterly as I finally take a sip of my coffee.

It tastes of nothing, yet the hot liquid burns a layer off my tongue all the same.

“I don’t know where to go from here, Let,” I confess, my eyes focused on her son as he plays.

So innocent, so blissfully unaware of all the pain and heartache in the world.

If only life was as simple as he sees it.

“You need to fight, Ella. You and Colt? You’re meant to be. He thinks he can push you away because it’s easier than the risk of you leaving.”

“I won’t leave,” I argue fiercely.

“You know that. I know that, but Colt…guys…they’re a different breed. All he can see is his fear right now. His future is in question; everything he’s ever known might be about to be ripped away. He’s freaking out.”

Abandoning my half-empty coffee mug on the nightstand, I drop my head into my hands and groan.

“Yesterday was a bad day, Ella. That doesn’t mean today will be the same.”

I think about her words for a few seconds before lifting my head again.

“Will you take me to him?”

Reaching out, she takes my hand in hers and squeezes it tightly.

“Of course. I’ll even smack him upside the head for you if you want?”

“No less than he deserves, but probably not the best idea after what he’s been through.”

“Can you do something for me, though?” she asks hesitantly.

A beat passes, but I know I can’t refuse her anything.

“Sure.”

“We’re going out for breakfast first.”

“Let,” I warn, my stomach knotting.

“We’re worried about you. Let us take care of you so that you can take care of him.”

She catches my first tear when it drops.

“You’re both going to get through this. Together,” she promises.

I smile weakly at my best friend, wishing I felt even an ounce of the optimism she does.

“Go and shower, then I’m going to take you for the best waffles in the state.” At the mention of waffles, Kyan lifts his head up, his eyes almost as wide as his smile.

“Sweet boy,” I muse, pressing a kiss to the top of his head as I shuffle around the bed to do as I’m told.

The last thing I want to do is go out, but if it’ll ultimately lead me to Colt, then I can’t really argue.

I shower with my eyes locked on the tiles beneath my feet. I know that if I look up, I’ll find a mirror, and I have no interest in the reflection that will stare back at me.

It’ll be a harrowing sight for several different reasons.

I should look. Seeing the reality might help shift something within me and help me to see what everyone else does.

With one towel wrapped around my body and another around my head, I step up to the sink.

I need to wash my face, and that means…

Sucking in a deep breath, I give myself a moment before I lift my eyes.

My breath catches as my pale complexion and dark-ringed eyes appear in front of me.

I’m a mess.

My eyes are bloodshot and puffy from all the crying, my skin has a gray hue to it, and my cheekbones look a little hollow.

I glance down at the towel covering me and my fingers twitch to pull it free, but I can’t do it. I already know that I’ll despise what I find.

Focusing on the task at hand, I wash my face and then put my back to the mirror to pull some clothes on.

By the time I step out of the bathroom, I might appear to be put together on the outside, but on the inside, I’m falling apart piece by piece.

The bedroom is empty, but I soon hear familiar voices floating through from the living area.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Mom says softly. “You look lovely.”

“E-uh,” Kyan says before racing over on his hands and knees, abandoning his cars behind him.

“Hi, my sweet boy,” I say, lifting him in my arms and turning my focus on him so I don’t have to see the way Mom and Letty assess me.

I don’t want them to see how weak I truly am, but I know it’s impossible to hide it. They both know me too well.

“Ready to go?” Letty asks.

“Yep,” I agree reluctantly.

“I invited myself. I hope that’s okay,” Mom says.

“Of course,” I agree. Despite everything, I love having everyone important to me in the same place, getting to know each other properly for the first time in years.

As promised, Letty takes us to a waffle house on the outskirts of the city. It puts me on edge that we’re getting farther away from Colt, and knowing that I’m going to have little choice but to eat, only makes it worse.

We have a nice morning. Watching Letty and Mom laugh and enjoy each other’s company means so much to me. But it’s nowhere near enough to banish the pain radiating from my chest or the loss that leaves me feeling nothing but empty.

He should be here.

Colt should be the one laughing with Mom as she tells him all the embarrassing stories from my childhood.

They both drag out our breakfast date for as long as possible, but eventually, they can no longer keep me from the hospital.

Kyan is fidgety and not in the kind of mood to be sitting in a hospital room, so Letty reluctantly agrees to drop us off and head home.

“You go on up. I’m going to get a coffee and read for a bit. Go and talk to him, yeah?” Mom urges as we walk through the hospital entrance.

I nod, my stomach twisting up tightly.

“Just tell him how you feel. Be honest, open. You’ll figure this out.”

Gripping onto the hope in her words as tightly as I can, I step into the elevator and ride to his floor.

Everything is the same as it has been every time I’ve walked these hallways. But this time, it feels different.

I hate it.

With my hand pressed against my swirling stomach, the waffles and bacon threatening to make a reappearance, I knock on Colt’s door.

There’s no response, which only makes my anxiety worse. But that’s got nothing on what I find when I push the door open.

The room is empty and pristine. The bed is made.

And there is no evidence of Colt ever being here.

Bile races up my throat, and it’s all I can do to run fast enough to vomit into the toilet instead of all over my feet.