17. Colton

17

COLTON

M y entire body trembles as I try to get a grasp on what I’ve just learned.

It was my fault.

All of this was my fucking fault.

I’m the one who hurt her. I’m the one who marked her body, put those dark shadows in her eyes, who made her feel less than she ever should about herself.

All because I was—I am—too much of a pussy to admit how I feel about her.

But I can’t.

And this is exactly the reason.

One way or another, I’ll hurt her.

And the worst part is that I won’t even mean to.

She is—always has been—the most incredible thing in my life. Right from the moment we first met, her smile alone would light me up inside. Being with her settles something within me that was out of place. But I knew it wouldn’t always be that way.

Happiness, contentment with another person only lasts as long as you don’t fuck it up. And I will fuck it up.

It’s in my motherfucking DNA. I will fuck it up, and after everything has exploded around us, I’ll leave her a broken shell of a woman.

Worse than she is now. Worse than he did.

It’s different. I’ve never met the prick who’s hurt her, but I can tell by the way she talks about him, the expression on her face as she thinks about him.

It’s not the same as when she thinks about me.

I have so much more power than he does. Than he ever had, I suspect.

And look at the pain I’ve already caused.

I can’t put her at risk anymore. One day, I’m going to lose control and she’s going to be the one left behind picking up the pieces.

I can’t do that to her. I can’t?—

The sound of the door opening rocks through me.

My grip on the sink tightens and my head drops lower as shame burns through my veins.

All those years I kept her at arm’s length, knowing how much pain I could cause if I really let her in.

But none of that mattered in the end.

I could have killed her.

I could have?—

“Colt,” she whispers, the softness of her voice cutting through the silence hanging between us.

I want to say something, but I have no idea what.

Instead, all I manage is a rough swallow.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

My shoulders tense, my skin burning as she moves closer.

It was, though. It was my inability to stick to my own goddamn rules. Never do repeats and you won’t get attached . It was what I fucking lived by…until Ella.

Fuck. She screwed with my head and my body from the first moment we met. She might have been Sawyer’s. But I knew she was meant for me.

If only she knew the fucking life sentence that came with it.

She should have run a mile the first time I selfishly made a move. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I was a selfish asshole.

“Ella,” I force out, my voice rough with emotion and self-loathing.

I want to demand she leaves. I should demand she leaves.

I never, ever let anyone see me starting to slip.

But the thought of her walking out of that door right now tears me to shreds. If it were to actually happen.

A violent shudder rips through me.

All these years, I’ve tried to keep memories of her locked up tight.

And now she’s here, standing right behind me, witnessing me at my lowest, and still, I battle with doing the right thing.

The selfish part of me screams to forget it, to turn around and take her. She’s right fucking there, offering herself up.

But the rational part of me, the part that knows we’ll both end up drowning if the other side takes over and begs for me to do the right thing.

She doesn’t deserve to be stuck with you, Colton. It’s a life sentence.

“Colton, please.”

I startle when the warmth of her palm brushes against my lower back.

I swallow again, attempting to force down the lump clogging my throat.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she chokes out, her voice cracking. “I knew what I was doing. I was ending things with you just as much as you were me. It was my fault I got behind the wheel. I should have waited. I should have?—”

“No,” I state, pushing from the sink and spinning to face her.

My breath catches at the sight of her wrapped in my sheet. The sheet we spent all last night rolling around on, and then sleeping under when our bodies finally couldn’t take any more.

“Don’t you dare take the blame for this. None of this is on you. Everything. All of it. It’s me. I never should have?—”

My words are cut off when she wraps her arms around my neck, presses her body against me and slams her lips down on mine.

“Ella,” I groan into her kiss.

“It happened, Colt. It’s over. Blame doesn’t help anyone,” she counters, her lips never leaving mine. “What matters is right now.”

Acting on instinct, I start tugging at the sheet, desperate to get to her skin.

“The fuck have you done here?” I grunt impatiently when the fabric doesn't so much as move.

She laughs as I continue tugging at her. The lightness of it bounces around the room, making me pause.

My eyes find hers and she sucks in a sharp breath.

“I need you,” I state bluntly. “I really fucking need you right now.”

If I don’t…If I let my thoughts consume me then…

“I’m right here, Colt,” she says, holding her arms out from her sides, letting the fabric finally unravel and fall from her body. “Take what you need.”

“Fuck,” I grunt, reaching down to grab her thighs, lifting her from the floor and wrapping her around my body.

She stills in a moment of panic.

“Don’t even think it, Bombshell. I’ve lifted heavier footballs.”

With her still wrapped around me like a koala, I rest her ass on the counter, take her face in my hands and crush our lips together.

I devour her just as I’ve been imagining since we parted ways.

If I’d known she was so broken after that, that she’d put herself in danger, I never would have fucking let her go.

Fuck. What if I didn’t…what if I’d told her the truth and taken her back to my hotel room to do what I really wanted to do to her?

I should have.

I fucking should have.

She never would have been hurt.

She never would have?—

“Get out of your head, Colt,” she demands, twisting her fingers in my hair and dragging my head back so I’ve little choice but to look at her.

“I’m sorry,” I force out past the lump that doesn’t seem to want to leave my throat.

“Nothing to be sorry for. We both did what we thought was right at the time.”

“And what about now?” I ask, my heart pounding and my hands trembling.

There’s no way she can’t feel it. Can’t feel just how loaded that question is.

I know what I want. But I also know what I can’t have. And I know what she deserves. I just fucking wish they all lined up to one simple answer.

“What about now?” she taunts, her heels digging harder into my ass, ensuring my hard dick grinds against her slick pussy.

“Fuck, I’m addicted to you, Bombshell. Always have been.”

Dipping down, I claim her lips again as I reach between us, dragging the head of my cock through her wetness.

She gasps and moans when I tease her clit before pushing lower to her entrance.

“Are you sore?” I ask, barely pushing inside her. It’s the ultimate tease for both of us.

“Yes,” she breathes. “Not enough to stop you, though.”

“Good,” I hiss, thrusting forward, stretching her open and filling her up.

The sensation of her hot, velvet walls sucking me deeper makes my head spin and my eyes roll back.

But that soon comes to and end when she starts pushing at my chest.

“Condom, Colt.”

Her words take a second to register, and when they do, there is no fear, no panic.

No, that’s a lie.

It’s all there, but because I don’t want to lose her or this moment. Not because we’re being reckless.

“You on birth control?” I ask, desperate for her to say yes. She feels too fucking good.

“Y-yeah, but?—”

“I’m clean. I fucking swear to you. I got tested the other week and I haven’t?—”

“Okay,” she whispers.

“Yeah?” I ask, letting my head drop to hers.

Everything I felt when she told me the truth about her scars still wars beneath my skin. The regret, the shame, the fear. The guilt. Fuck me, the guilt is almost unbearable. But I also know she’s right.

It’s too late to change what happened that day. She’s going to bear the marks of what happened for the rest of her life, just like I’m going to have to live with the guilt.

All I can do now is help her embrace it.

“Yeah,” she agrees, making my cock jerk, threatening to fill her up then and there.

I’ve always been religious about wearing a condom. Something that she’s all too familiar with. I’ve never gone without before.

But right now, I can’t think of anything worse than having something between us.

“Fuck, I can’t wait to see my cum running out of your pussy, Bombshell,” I confess as I slowly pull out before thrusting back inside her.

“Colt,” she gasps, her grip on my shoulders tightening.

“You like it when I talk dirty, don’t you, baby? Your pussy gets so wet and squeezes me so tight.”

“Please,” she whimpers, trying to shift on the counter to get some friction. “Colt, I need?—”

“I know what you need, Bombshell. And I’m going to fucking give it to you.”

I drag her ass right to the edge, forcing her to lean back on her palms. Her back arches, thrusting her tits up in the air.

“Perfect,” I muse, my eyes raking over every incredible inch of her body. “So fucking beautiful.”

The blush on her cheeks glows brighter, spreading down to her chest as she accepts my words.

I can still see her reluctance to believe them within her honey eyes, but it’s better than last night’s refusal.

Hooking her legs up around my waist to put her at a better angle, I thrust into her, giving her little choice but to take every inch of me.

“Oh fuck. Yes. Colton,” she cries when I circle my hips, hitting that spot that makes her sing.

“Fucking missed hearing you scream my name, Bombshell. Never. Going. To. Get. Enough,” I grunt between thrusts.

“Yes. Yes. Yes,” she chants as I drop my hand between us and press my thumb to her clit.

Her hips jump from the counter, her pussy sucking me a little deeper.

“Oh fuck, El. You feel so fucking good.”

Leaning over her, I press her thighs to her chest and steal her lips in a wet and filthy kiss. It’s everything. Every. Fucking. Thing.

“Come for me, Bombshell. Let me feel you strangling my dick.”

“Colton,” she cries as I hit that spot she loves that is guaranteed to make her lose her mind. She might argue with me and say her body has changed, but right now, all I see is Ella.

My Ella.

And I know how to play her body until she’s a trembling, sated mess. And I fucking love it.

“Be a good girl and do as you’re told, baby. Then I’m going to fill you up. You’re going to spend the rest of the day walking around with my cum dripping out of you, remembering every second of this moment. Remembering me.” My heart slams against my ribs at the thought.

“I never forgot,” she cries before her body locks up and she screams out her release as her pussy milks my dick.

“Holy fuck,” I roar, already obsessed with the feeling of coming freely inside her.

Our heaving breaths fill the bathroom, and our sweaty bodies entwine as we come down from our highs.

“I forgot sex could be that good,” Ella confesses quickly in my ear.

“That’s only the beginning, Bombshell. We’ve got so much to rediscover.”