12. Tanner

CHAPTER 12

It's pure agony watching Windsor suffer so much that she can hardly get out of bed. Sure, she's still weak from the poisoning, but I don't believe that's what's keeping her there. She's lost in her mind over the fact we created a life together, and someone took it away so violently.

Tucker and I hurt as well, knowing we couldn't protect the two of them, but we have to push it back so we can take care of her. Right now, Tuck is at the office doing the work for all three of us, and tomorrow, I'll go in so he can stay home with her.

Dad, Arden, and her husbands have been by to check on her. Kathleen has called every day since we got home. Lux came by to drop off what she called a pamper package. It contained some candy, packets of hot chocolate, fuzzy socks, a heating pad, and a book about child loss. She couldn't stay because she was pulling double shifts all week, but she wanted her sister to know she was thinking of her.

Windsor has hardly spoken since we brought her back to our penthouse. She only eats when we force her to. When she gets in the shower, she cries until exhaustion takes her away. And my brother and I are feeling spectacularly helpless as to how to help her.

I ache to my soul about losing our child. I've read books and articles about how such a profound loss can affect a person, how the grieving process can take months or even years. Especially for women. After the rollercoaster year that Windsor has had, I have no doubt she's feeling more vulnerable than ever.

Mixing one of the hot chocolate packets into the water I just boiled, I place it on the tray with the breakfast I made her—scrambled eggs, toast with strawberry jam, and bubblegum grapes. I know she won't eat it all, but I hope to coax more into her than the little she ate yesterday.

As I enter our room—we hadn't wanted her sleeping alone, worried she'd feel more isolated than she currently does—I'm surprised to find her awake and sitting on the balcony in one of the lounge chairs we keep out there. A blanket is wrapped around the bottom of her legs, and the space heater cranks on this chilly morning.

"Good morning," I say so I don't startle her.

She turns to look at me for the first time since we came home a few days ago. Her eyes are clear, and the circles underneath them aren't as heavy. "Hi." She offers me a cute little wave, looking shy as ever.

"Did you sleep better?" Sitting on the end of the lounger, I place the tray carefully in her lap.

Her stomach grumbles loudly before she can answer, and hearing her laugh lights my heart up. "I did, and this looks wonderful, Tanner. Thank you."

I watch her eat for a few minutes before shooting off a text to Tucker to let him know she's looking better and has an appetite. It doesn't take her long to finish everything I've made before drinking down the hot chocolate in one gulp.

"I'm sorry for being such a mess this week." Her hushed voice is still filled with sorrow, and I can feel it from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes.

Cupping her cheek in my palm, I rub my thumb along her soft skin. "You have nothing to be sorry for, baby. We suffered a loss that none of us even knew about. You are allowed to grieve for our child."

Fuck me. Saying it out loud has my heart cramping.

"But you guys suffered the same loss, and you didn't fall apart. I was so selfish. I didn't think about either one of you." Tears spring up again, and I nearly spin into a panic. I hate seeing Windsor cry.

Moving the tray to the table behind me, I settle in beside her and pull her into my chest. "We grieved as well, but our focus was you because we know you felt it ten times more than we did." She nods her head and holds me just as tightly.

"Ar-are you okay?" Her eyes lift to meet mine, and there's genuine concern swirling in the puddle of tears that still remain.

"I'm sad. I didn't know it was something we wanted until it was taken away." Her head bobs in understanding. Brushing the hair back from her face, I kiss her forehead. "I have to believe everything happens for a reason. We're not going to understand this one anytime soon, but I think the three of us have the chance to grow closer, to bond in our shared grief."

"You think so?" The hope in her voice makes me smile.

"Yeah, baby, I really do. Now, how about we get showered and dressed and take lunch to Tucker? He's miserable without you today." Her enthusiastic nod is all I need to pick her up and carry her into the shower.

Tucker

"You can't keep going like this, Tuck. You have to forgive yourself." The sympathy in Arden's voice only fuels my anger.

"I can't." She's long since learned to ignore my bark.

"She will pick up on it when she comes out of her own grief, and she's going to be convinced it's directed towards her." This is the third time my sister has said as such in this one phone call. "You're alone with Windsor tomorrow, are you not?" I grunt my reply. "She'll know you're angry. It'll fester between the two of you, and Tuck, I love you, but I know you; you'll wind up saying something you'll regret."

Scrubbing my hands up and down my face, I spin my chair to stare out at the city I've loved living in my entire life, wishing for the first time that I was anywhere else but here.

"We had her, Arden, and now I think we've lost her. The grief consumes her, and we don't know what the fuck to do." How do you help a woman who has had such a profound loss and not make it worse by saying or doing the wrong thing?

"Tucker." Arden sighs my name like she's said it a dozen times and I'm not listening to her. "You be there for her, wipe away her tears. Hold her while she sleeps. Listen when she speaks. Windsor is a strong woman, and it's only been a few days; all she needs is time. This wasn't you guys or her fault. A madman attacked her."

Speaking of which, I've been holding onto a folder with possible suspects from my brother-in-law Boston for almost an hour. He stopped by first thing this morning and had it ready for me. I haven't been able to bring myself to look because if it's someone after me and Tanner and using our woman as a target, it'll gut me.

"I'll talk to you later, Arden. Love you." After I hang up, the office is filled with silence. I've shut the phones off for the week, and everything is being redirected to Jessica in Human Resources since she'll know where to direct calls.

My phone beeped earlier with a text from Tanner, but I haven't looked yet. If Windsor is worse, I don't know how I'll handle it. Yeah, it's the coward's way out, but I can't help it if I want her better already.

Physically, she's been given a clean bill of health. Mentally, it is a different story. We've encouraged her to speak to someone professionally, but I'm unsure if she will. I'd like her to; hell, I'd go with her. Until we were told the consequences of her attack, I had never given children much thought. Now, I grieve for that same child. I ache inside my chest, like an itch I can't scratch, and there's nothing I want more than to feel as though I can breathe again. We've stalled, the three of us, drowning in our own suffering.

At the sound of the elevator dinging, I twist back around and shove the envelope in my desk drawer just in time to see Windsor and Tanner enter our office.

"Sweetheart." I'm on my feet before she can gift me with her sad smile. Pulling her into my arms, I press my lips to her head and hold her tightly. "How are you feeling?"

She draws back to look up at me. Grazing her fingers across my stubbled cheek, our eyes lock. "Like I can breathe again. I'm so sorry I shut down. It wasn't fair to either of you…for me to get to grieve and you both worrying about me. I didn't think beyond what I was feeling."

"No, Winds, babe, we all needed time to process. We did as much of it together as we could. You'll always come first."

She shakes her head as Tanner drags two chairs over to my desk. "No. You guys took care of me, but who took care of you?" I share a look with Tanner, and I recognize he's feeling the same as me. "We need to take care of each other equally," she says, pressing up, looking for a kiss, and I'm all too happy to give it to her.

Her unique flavor bursts like ripe berries on my lips, and, in the next breath, I slide my tongue into her mouth for more. "I missed you," I tell her when we pull back.

"Me too." She kisses my jaw before moving over to my desk and the bags Tanner had with him. "We brought lunch. I needed out of the house, and this seemed like a good idea. Is that okay?" Her insecurity hurts.

"Yeah, sweetheart." I kiss her temple. "This is perfect."

After dishing out the street tacos and drinks, we eat in silence for a few minutes before Windsor says, "I was thinking, tonight we could camp out in the living room, watch movies, and binge on junk food until our bellies hurt."

"Anything you want," my brother and I respond in unison.

She flashes a brilliant smile until it wanes, and her eyes drop to her lap. "I was also thinking…" The thought hangs open-ended.

"What," I ask softly, leaning forward to capture her gaze.

"I know it was only a couple of weeks, and we didn't know, but I was hoping we could do something to say goodbye to him or her." Hearing the vulnerability in her voice and seeing the tears in her eyes, I know we'll both do anything we can to give her closure.