18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Of bats and fireflies

Hawk was reading Dani the story Aaron had intended to read to her, but he'd given Aaron the order to ‘fix it,' and Aaron had to admit, he'd put it off long enough, despite the band having settled into the guest cabin hours before. Which was why he was heading out there now, hands shoved in his pockets, trying to work out what he desperately needed to say to Declan to smooth things over between them.

Only he still hadn't figure out how to open the conversation, which was why he hadn't tried calling Declan and making a fumbling mess of it from a distance, despite how tempting it had been. The truth was that he'd been too scared of fucking up and being the cause of him changing his mind about coming out, which would have completely derailed their progress as a band and their plans to play Rocktoberfest.

Stalling and still mentally sifting through words, he walked around the guest house once, then proceeded around it a second time when no words came to mind when he reached the door. He told himself to suck it up, that he had more reasons to fix things than just Hawk and Kelly demanding it.

Declan truly was a super talented drummer, and if Aaron could find the same level of comfort playing with him as he'd found with Jason or Kazzy, then the possibilities were endless. It had surprised him to learn that Declan was one hell of a lyricist too, but the folded squares of notebook paper in his back pocket were all the proof he'd needed of that.

Okay, so maybe he'd checked with everyone else, including Cade, to see if they'd made the edits first, and only learned that Declan had when Cade commented wrong twin . He hadn't even looked at Declan after Cade said it, he was too uncomfortable to glance his way

Which was when it dawned on him that Micah had been right all along. Aaron really didn't see anything about Declan but that chair, and that was really, really fuckin' shitty.

"What if it was me?"

They'd been lying in bed, Hawk playing big spoon, Family Guy muted on the television and Aaron slowly drifting off to sleep. At first, he hadn't understood what Hawk was referencing. Their last conversation had been about the style of sled to get for the kids for the upcoming winter. Saucers, disks, toboggans, inflatable mouse faces, kitty cats and donuts, there were so many styles to choose from, especially when they took age into consideration. Helmets were a must too. They'd discussed making a trip to the sporting goods store to get properly fitting ones for each kid. With that in mind, Hawk's question made little sense to Aaron's foggy, sleep craving brain.

"You can wear a helmet too, if you wanna, just don't ask me to wear one ."

"That's not what I was referring too," Hawk had grumbled, "but since we're suddenly on the subject, we'll all be wearing them if we're sledding. I'm not gonna have you rocket into a tree and crack your head open. Don't even try and argue, it's not negotiable, ‘cause the moment you don't wear it, one of the kids will think it's okay for them to take theirs off, and that won't fly on my watch."

"Okay. Okay. Point made. I'll wear one if we're sledding with the kids."

"You'll wear one if we're sledding, if we're on the back of my Harley, if we're riding 4 wheelers or tearing around on jet skies, ‘cause I am not losing you to recklessness, do you understand me!"

It had been on the tip of his tongue to say ‘yes sir' but he'd choked it back, since they weren't at that stage of their relationship yet. They'd talked about it though, and he knew a time would come when Hawk would welcome it as much as Aaron would revel in getting to say it.

He'd started drifting back to sleep before it had dawned on him that if Hawk wasn't talking about sleds and helmets, then Aaron still had no clue what he'd meant when he'd said What if it was me?

"What if what was you?"

"What if I was the one in the wheelchair?"

"I'd kill whoever put you there."

Hawk had sighed heavily and kissed the side of his neck. "While I appreciate the sentiment, you are still missing the point. It isn't about blame or how it happened, it's about how you'd treat me if it did."

"I wouldn't walk out on you if that's what you're asking."

"Good to know. But would you still treat me like who I was before the accident?"

"I mean, I'd understand that there was stuff you wouldn't be able to do anymore, if that's what you're asking."

"Oh for fuck's sake Aaron I know you are not that dense! I'm asking if you'd still laugh with me the same way, joke around and bullshit with me, flirt with me, tease the hell outta me and drive me up the fuckin' wall!"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I? You've never given me a single reason to be afraid of you."

"That's exactly the point. Why wouldn't you still see me as me? If the only thing to change about me was that I needed a wheelchair to get around, then why let it alter what we've always had as friends and lovers?"

"Why are we even talking about this right now?"

"Because you need to hear it. Think about everything you just said and apply it to the poor guy you refuse to get to know simply because a snowboarding accident left him unable to walk. There's nothing wrong with his mind. There's nothing wrong with his hands. And there sure as fuck is nothing wrong with his personality. He's awesome, which you'd see, if you could ever manage to have a conversation with him."

"We've talked."

"No. He's said words and wheeled off and you've said words and walked away. That is not a conversation. You two need to talk. You need to be honest with yourself and him about what makes you so nervous when he's around. I get it. I do. Your grandfather did a number on you, and I wish you'd talk about it, if not to me then to someone ‘cause you've got some serious issues you've been avoiding dealing with for years. That chair scaring you, I know it's because he hurt you time and time again and probably used it to do some of the damage too, but you can't look at everyone in one the way you look at him. I know you don't want to come off like an asshole for saying the wrong thing to Declan or accidentally taking out past trauma on him, but you've managed to convince him that no amount of effort is going to get you to include him."

"I liked it better when we were cuddling and half asleep."

"I'll bet." Hawk hugged him close and kissed his shoulder. "I love you Aaron, even when you make me want to shake some sense into you."

"I love you too, and I am trying to do better, even when it doesn't look like it."

"I know, now go to sleep, morning will be here soon enough, and someone promised the kids I would make French toast."

"With maraschino cherries and whipped cream, remember? You can't forget the most important part."

"Like any of you would let me."

"Exactly."

And yet here he was, still stalling, still lurking outside the guest house, only this time he'd paused to watch a racoon ambling down from its tree. Maybe he should head to the garbage shed and make certain it had been secured properly after the trash was taken out. He made it two steps in that direction when something brushed the side of his face. Whirling, he saw nothing but golden light shining through the window and fireflies hovering about, their little lights blinking on and off.

No one was watching. No one would see him chase after them the way he had when he was a kid. At least now he knew that putting them in a glass jar, even with holes punched it the top, would only kill them. The memory that followed, of his Pop-pop berating him for crying over that jar of dead bugs, threw him completely out of the moment. He let his hand drop and turned away from the fairy bugs as he used to call them. That's the precise moment when something brushed the top of his head. This time when he turned, he waved his hands around and felt a rush of air and the faintest brush of something soft against the back of his wrist. Yelping, he caught sight of tiny eyes and big wings coming straight at his face.

Ducking, Aaron scrambled backward, tripping over his own feet in his haste to get away from the bats. The back of his head hit the door, and one hand struck the wooden frame, drawing a yelp from him as the bats swooped low again.

Of course someone would choose that moment to open the door. How could they not when he was out there making a ton of racket. He toppled backward half in and half out of the doorway, sprawled, one hand hitting the hardwood of the kitchen floor. Leaning back, Aaron saw Cade peering down at him, a bemused expression on his face.

"Do I even want to ask?"

"Probably not," Aaron grumbled as he worked on sorting himself out. Shit, one of his shoes was a few feet away, laces still untied despite Hawk cautioning him that he was going to trip over the damned things.

"Who is it?" Declan called from inside.

"Just Aaron proving grace still isn't his strong suit."

He'd just regained his footing and was dusting off his jeans when Declan appeared in the doorway beside his twin, raking his gaze over Aaron.

"Apparently," Declan remarked, shaking his head.

"I looked, but there's nothing out there but a possum ambling along with her babies," Micah announced as he joined them at the door with a flashlight.

What a fuckin' comedy of errors. Aaron groaned and smacked a hand to his forehead, trying to figure out how he'd gotten himself into yet another mess.

"Are you drunk?" Declan asked, a harshness to his tone that always seemed to be there when he spoke to Aaron.

"Hell no!" Aaron snapped as he limped over to retrieve his other shoe. He took his time tying the damned thing before he turned around to face the trio that was still watching him from the doorway.

"Have you been lurking around outside here?" Micah asked, eyes narrowing as he studied Aaron's ruffled appearance.

"I wouldn't call it lurking."

"Then what would you call it?" Cade asked. "We thought some critter was trying to get in, which was why Micah was wondering around with a flashlight, trying to figure out if we were about to get eaten."

"And what the fuck would he have done with just a flashlight if I'd turned out to be a bear or a coyote or some other predator?" Aaron admonished. "You'd have been better off calling up to the house. Hawk has bows locked in a gun safe, we could have at least come down here armed and checked it out."

"Is it just me, or does he actually sound concerned for our welfare?" Declan asked looking between his twin and Micah.

"It sounds that way to me," Cade said.

"I'd say so too," Micah said.

"So what if I am?" Aaron grumbled. "I'm finally getting used to you. I don't wanna have to break in a new guitarist."

Micah's face split into a bright smile. "Thanks."

Blowing out a breath, Aaron ran his fingers through his hair and managed a little smile of his own. "Just, be careful, yeah. I've already met a raccoon, a couple possums, and some dive-bombing bats. I thought it was a myth that they went after people's hair."

"So that's how you wound up huddled against the door," Cade said, chuckling a little. "For the record, it is a myth. If they flew in your direction, it wasn't because they were after you."

"Could have fooled me. I didn't do anything to provoke them. I was just watching the fireflies."

Micah shook his head, still laughing. "And they were just trying to eat them. That's why they flew at you. They were after the bugs, and bugs are attracted to body heat."

Well now he just felt foolish for freaking out like that. The bats had been after the same prize he'd been attempting to catch. "Oh."

"Still doesn't explain what you were doing out here," Declan said.

"Do I have to have a reason to pop over?" Aaron asked, feeling an equal mix defensive and downright stupid after Cade's explanation.

"Considering how fast you scurry away whenever you lay eyes on me, I wouldn't think you'd come anywhere in my vicinity unless you had no other choice," Declan pointed out. "You'd swear a pack of hellhounds were after you whenever I come near."

Aaron flinched and hung his head, muttering. "You're not wrong."

"Thank you for being honest."

Aaron squirmed, knowing the moment was here for him to finish his truth telling. "Can we talk? That's um, what I came down here for. To talk to you since I couldn't after the show."

"I'm sorry about your mom," Declan said.

"Thanks, but I never really knew her."

"Doesn't mean I'm not sorry you lost her before you got the chance to." Declan said.

All Aaron could do was nod, since that was a topic of conversation he still wasn't ready to deal with yet.

A myriad of emotions played across Declan's face before he backed the wheelchair out of the doorway. With Micah and Cade standing on either said of the entryway, Aaron felt a little like a man heading to the gallows as he followed Declan into the living room.

He wasn't the only one who followed, Cade did as well, while Micah lurked in the kitchen just a few feet away. The moment he felt himself bristling about having an audience, Aaron reminded himself that what he had to say wasn't a secret, just like his behavior hadn't been secret either. Lowering himself into an easy chair across from Declan, Aaron realized his thoughts were still as jumbled as they'd been when he'd first started circling the guest house.

"I owe you an apology," Aaron said. "I've been an ass to you, and I want to explain why but I don't want it to come off like it's an excuse, because I shouldn't make excuses for shitty behavior. You were right when you said that to me."

Declan nodded, looking thoughtful. "So, let's not consider it an excuse. It's done, you're acknowledging it, and we can move on if you're willing to get to know me as a member of your band. I'm not expecting friendship. All I'm asking is that you treat me the same way you would treat anyone else in your circle."

"That…" Aaron sighed heavily. "Is kind of the problem."

"Okay, explain."

"Being around you kinda freaks me out."

Declan snorted and raised an eyebrow at him. "Why? I'm not contagious. You can't catch crippled."

Aaron blinked. His mouth opened and closed but he couldn't produce any sound. He didn't even know how to respond to such a comment. Was he allowed to laugh? No, this wasn't a laughing situation. They were supposed to be having a serious conversation and…well the subject wasn't supposed to be funny.

"What's wrong, someone run over your tongue?"

Cade snickered at that, while Micah let out a bark of laughter.

Aaron could feel his cheeks heating up as they mocked him, yet still he couldn't find the words to even curse them out. Swallowing, Aaron just kept his eyes on the floor in front of Declan's chair. If he had enough guts he'd bolt for the door and never look back. When the chair got closer, he realized there wasn't enough room to move, let alone flee back to the main cabin.

Declan's grip was solid when he reached out and squeezed Aaron's shoulder. It was so surprising that Aaron jerked his head up and found himself looking into brilliant blue eyes and a frowning face. "I'm beginning to think I might have misunderstood why you don't want me around."

"I just…I'm gonna say something stupid, or insensitive, or out of line somehow and I don't want to accidently offend you just by being me," Aaron blurted. "And now Dani is scared of your chair or chairs in general and I don't know what to say to not make it worse and the whole thing is a mess and I'm supposed to fix it but I don't know how to fix it and I didn't know how to ask how to fix it without rambling and saying something stupid that would piss you off instead of getting me the answers I'm supposed to find and I don't know how to stop seeing just that chair when…when it scares the hell outta me because sometimes I don't see you, I see my Pop-pop and I wanna get as far away from it as humanly possible and that's not your fault either and I just…I'm not trying to be an ass about it but I can't stop panicking when I see it either and I forget how to breathe or talk without being a sarcastic asshole ‘cause sarcasm is easier than a conversation when I'm trying to remember words that won't get me hurt."

Aaron finished his stream of thought rambling out of breath and slightly panicked that he'd managed to screw up regardless of his best efforts not to.

Declan was studying him intently, one eyebrow arched like he was waiting to see if Aaron was done.

"Ya know, I kind of wondered about that on family day," Declan said. "I wanted to ask you about it, but I didn't want to do it in front of the others."

Try as he might, Aaron couldn't remember what he'd done on family day to make Declan feel like they needed to have a conversation. "I-I'm sorry. Whatever I did to offend you, I didn't mean it."

"Dude, you need to relax. Seriously. You didn't do fuck all, in fact, that was kind of the problem."

"Huh?"

"We were sitting there at the table, bullshitting, and ribbing each other, only when I said something a little to the left, you didn't respond the same way you did to everyone else. You flipped Kelly off, twice, for shit he said. Hell, you even flipped Cade off and he's not even a member of the band."

"Yeah, I prolly need to watch myself with that shit."

"No, you don't, that's exactly my point," Declan said. "The best way to help assimilate new people into a group is not to treat them like they're new. Do you seriously think I've never been told off, flipped off, or cussed out since I've been in this chair. I have and I've deserved it. I've been an absolute dick to people and they've called me out on my shitty behavior."

"Ain't that the truth," Cade murmured. "I still remember when you first came home from the hospital."

"Fuck, I was a nightmare."

"Yeah, you were, but we love you and we got through it," Cade said, settling a hand on his twin's shoulder.

"I don't get it," Aaron admitted.

"Let's just say that after his accident, someone decided that they were incapable of doing anything and insisted upon doing nothing," Cade said. "Wouldn't even pick up a drumstick, despite there not being a damned thing wrong with his hands. It didn't help that our old man insisted that the rest of us cater to his every whim. He couldn't stop feeling guilty about being the one to take us snowboarding in the first place. It took some serious tough love to get Declan to start doing things for himself."

"Our point is, just because I'm in a chair, doesn't mean you have to talk to me differently, or act differently around me, or stop being yourself when I'm around. In fact, I would really appreciate it if you'd stop doing those things," Declan said. "As for your…I'm going to assume grandfather and your issues with him, I'm sorry if the chair is triggering for you and apparently for Dani too. I won't pry, but I'll listen if you ever want to talk about it."

"Was that seriously your only reason for being shitty about having my brother in the band?" Cade asked.

"No."

"Okay, then what were the other ones?" Cade asked.

Aaron sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I've played at a lot of venues, and I can't recall a single one where the stage has wheelchair accessibility. Some of the festival settings are pretty gnarly too. It's hard enough to get through some of the crowds when you're walking, so wheeling, I can't even imagine how the hell that's supposed to work. Then there's tour bus designs, radio stations, basement signings and meet and greets. It's a logistical nightmare, and we've always insisted on all member of the band being at those things so we weren't cheating the fans out of the opportunity to meet everyone. I always hated it as a fan when I'd go to an event and two members would be signing and the rest wouldn't even bother to come out to meet the people who'd paid good money to be there."

The look Declan gave him, well there was a matching one on Cade's face too. They were both staring at him like he'd just beamed down from a spaceship, and damnit all, when would he learn not to speak the rambling thoughts that ran through his head.

"Look, my Pop-pop was never very patient about me getting him in and out of places. It was a bitch sometimes ‘cause I wasn't exactly strong enough to manage it and he was a bastard to me when I struggled to maneuver him the right way. Most times I wasn't doing it right and he'd get pissed and could be super fuckin' mean about that shit. I just…I don't know how to help properly. I didn't wanna fuck up and tip you out of it or anything and have you pissed off at me for fuckin' up."

"You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me," Declan muttered.

For his part, Aaron remained silent, since he wasn't kidding, and he didn't know what else to say. Then Cade started laughing, shoved away from the couch, and headed to the kitchen, muttering beneath his breath.

"See. This is exactly what I meant," Aaron insisted, wishing Declan would back away so he could leave too. "I open my mouth and stupid shit comes out."

"Someone said that to you a lot, didn't they?"

Aaron shrugged, because the last thing he wanted to talk about was growing up in his grandparents' home where him doing something right was such a rare occurrence that there should have been a ticker tape parade the few times that it happened.

"Nevermind, you don't have to answer that, the truth is written all over your face."

As uncomfortable as it made him, Aaron looked up and met Declan's gaze again. "I'm sorry. I never meant to make things awkward for you. The only reason I tried to get Kelly to agree to having Kazzy play for us was that I've known him forever and the only damned things that offends him is when you eat the last chicken wing."

Declan snickered, the scowl finally erased off his face. "Okay I'm with Kazzy there. I'll fight you over the last wing."

"You can have it," Aaron said.

"Why? Because I'm in this chair?"

"Naa, ‘cause I'll just order another batch."

When Declan's smile grew broader, Aaron finally started to feel like everything might be okay between them.

"I like to bullshit the same as anyone else and honestly, now that I know your reasons for not wanting me in the band, I feel like I owe you an apology."

"Me? Why?"

"'Cause I immediately jumped to the conclusion that you didn't see me as being as capable as a drummer without mobility issues."

Now that had never crossed Aaron's mind, but once he looked at it from Declan's point of view, he started to realize how badly his reaction had come across.

"Shit. I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention. I just started getting spun out, thinking about the logistics and all the ways shit could go wrong and my Pop-pop and all the ways everything could get blamed on me and I…it wasn't something I felt up to dealing with."

"I get that now," Declan said. "And I appreciate the sentiment. Since we're putting our concerns on the table, I'll admit to having the same ones as you. That's why Cade's been coming with me to everything. So you guys wouldn't have to worry about how you'd solve those problems for me."

"I'm still sorry I didn't have this conversation with you sooner," Aaron said softly. "You're a seriously bad ass drummer and I wish it was easier for me to engage with you."

"Maybe in time, you'll get there," Declan said. "Maybe now that we've had the conversation we can finally focus on the music."

"And wings." Aaron muttered, trying to lighten things a little now that his emotions were seriously frayed.

Declan brightened at that and nodded. "Hell yeah, as long as they are honey BBQ or Garlic Parmesan."

"There are none better," Aaron declared.

"Now you're speaking my language," Declan said. "As for Dani, I think I have an idea. We'll work on it together, okay?"

Aaron reached out his hand for a fist bump, finally able to fully meet Declan's gaze. "Bet."