16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

So Far Away

Hawk was fingers deep in Play-Doh when his phone vibrated, so he was left no choice but to ignore it until he and Ella were done making ice cream sundaes with her new playset. All he'd had when he was a kid was his mom's old cookie cutters to use with his Play-Doh. These new sets were a real upgrade but getting things to look the way they did on the box, that was a challenge.

Forty-five minutes later he was finally able to look at his phone. The message had come from Aaron, the first one since he'd returned to their hometown.

Do you have a few free minutes, I really need to talk to you?

A shiver of unease tore through him when he read the message and he hit the call button without thought, despite knowing that one of the kids could wake up at any moment. Aaron never asked for help. It was infuriating at times to watch him struggle and know that any offers of aid would be met with resistance, something that had been a point of contention between them over the years.

It took four rings before Aaron answered and when he did, his voice had a flat, hollow ring to it. "Hey."

"Sorry I couldn't reply to your message sooner, Ella and I were playing with the Play-Doh set you got her."

"Cool, I hope she likes it."

Expressionless, that was the only way to describe the words.

"She loves it," Hawk said. "But I don't think that's what you were messaging me about."

"No, I….I just…."

His voice wavered, then Hawk heard him sniffle and the earlier unease he'd felt ramped up to pure fear.

"Aaron…what's going on?"

"My….I….I went home."

"Yeah, I know, Kelly called and told me you'd gotten a phone summons but that you turned down his offer to go with you."

"Wish I hadn't."

"Why?"

"I thought she was already dead."

"Who?"

"My mom."

"Wait…so she's alive."

"She was, until about an hour ago," Aaron said, his words coming out choked and broken.

"Shit, Aaron, where are you?"

"The hospital. I was sitting with her when she….Gram never said she was still alive. All those years I just figured that if she didn't come back for me, she had to be dead, only she wasn't. But now she is and that's the real reason they wanted me to come home, so I could pay for everything. I didn't even recognize her. I could have passed her on the street anywhere in all the places we've been and I'd never have known."

His voice broke again and Hawk heard his ragged inhale and wished he could reach through the phone and hold him the way he'd held Hawk the night they'd gotten the horrible call about his brother's accident. He'd had the whole band by his side in the absolute worse moment of his life while Aaron sat fifteen hundred miles away, alone.

"I'll be on the next flight."

"You can't. The kids. Don't bring them here. It's as awful as it ever was."

"Then I'm getting Kelly to come here so I can come to you," Hawk declared. "That's non-negotiable. Please tell me you don't intend to stay at your grandparents' place?"

"No, was gonna see about a room at the B and B, only I gotta go tell them first, I guess. I don't wanna go back there again today. I didn't even make it through the door before my Aunt started in about how I looked and my tats and our music and…why the fuck did she leave me with them? She had to know they wouldn't want me anymore than she did."

"Did you get to ask her that, or any of the questions you've clung to for all these years?"

"She didn't know me. Even when I told her who I was, her mind was just….not really there. All she said was that she'd lost me like she'd lost Erik. I guess he's my father, but there was never a name under father on my birth certificate."

"I know," Hawk said, his heart breaking for Aaron right now.

He sounded so lost and devastated that Hawk could hear the ragged way he was breathing and the hitching stammers that punctuated every words. He was in absolutely no condition to do anything, let along look out for himself, which was terrifying. He knew Aaron, which meant he knew how he processed things, and he was one liquor store away from completely undoing all the progress he'd made in rehab. As much as Hawk wanted him to just go to the B and B and wait to do anything else until Hawk was with him, right now, he didn't even want him to get into whatever vehicle he'd rented.

"I don't want to tell them she's dead," Aaron moaned. "I'll just say something else they don't like and Pop-Pop will prolly throw something heavier than a glass this time and I really wanted to throw it back and yell at him ‘cause why's he gotta be hurting me all the time. I don't mean to be bad."

Shit.

Not only was Aaron spiraling, but he was slipping out of this reality and into some past moment that he and Kelly had always suspected but never been able to get him to confirm.

"You're not bad," Hawk said, struggling to keep his own tears at bay now. "You just wanted to follow your heart and be true to yourself."

"And look where it got me!" Aaron spat. "I got me hated. It made me a disappointment. How can you say I wasn't bad! She left me and never looked back. People don't do that to good kids, they do it to kids that they can't love!"

The wounded whimper he let out tore at Hawk's heart. Never in his life had he felt this impotent or useless. How the hell was he supposed to get Kelly moving when he needed to keep Aaron on the phone and make sure he was going to stay safe?

His laptop.

Hurrying down the hall, grateful not to hear the sounds of children stirring, he fumbled to get the door to the music room open and made a beeline for the laptop the second he was in the room.

Answer.

Answer.

Answer.

Dammit.

He glared at the screen, trying to will Kelly to answer the annoying ass messenger ringtone while steadily speaking to Aaron, wishing he could send him to the damned hospital chapel where there might be someone who would sit with him, but his grandparents had made even that impossible.

"Aaron, where in the hospital are you right now?"

"Outside on a bench, smoking and trying to figure out what to say to my grandparents and my aunt," Aaron answered. "Though what's the point? They didn't expect her to make it more than a few days, said she'd rotted herself from the inside out and I should be grateful she'd left me with god-fearing people who made sure I had everything I needed, only they didn't. I needed them to love me, but I could never be good enough to earn it."

"Children should never be made to earn love," Hawk said as he hit the icon beside Kelly's name again and snarled as it just rung and rung.

Wasn't his god damned messenger linked to his phone?

He glanced at the clock and realized that the band was probably rehearsing, which meant he might have it on do not disturb and wouldn't look at it until they took a break. Motherfucking shit!

He could hear Aaron's choppy breathing and the way it only paused when he took a drag.

"I need to get it over with and tell them," Aaron said. "They can organize whatever the hell they want and tell me where to be and how much it cost, but I just wanna get this over with. I don't even wanna think about why she didn't put Erik's name on my birth certificate or give me to him if she didn't wanna keep me, because the way she said his name when she thought I was him, there was more love and more longing there than I know what to do with right now ‘cause that would mean thinking about why she couldn't feel that way about me."

"Aaron, I think you need to breathe and wait before you go over there, okay, get yourself settled down first before you get behind the wheel. You don't want to wind up in a ditch."

"Why not? At least I've got the means to afford that bill too, unlike all the times I went and my grandparents, who love reminding me about all that shit, had to pay for whatever ways I'd fucked myself up."

"Because I don't want you to, okay," Hawk said. "That's why not. Don't do something that might get you hurt just to spite them. They aren't worth it. You are and not for the damn music either, but because I love you and I need you safe. Can you sit there and stay safe for me, please?"

"You shouldn't," Aaron said, voice low and hollow.

"Shouldn't what?"

"Love me."

"Too bad, ‘cause I do, so get over it."

Hey, what's going on, I just noticed you blowing up my messenger?

"Thank fuck," Hawk muttered. "Aaron, Kelly just replied to me, I need a moment to explain to him what's going on so he can get moving and I can throw a bag together and explain to the kids that I need to leave for a few days."

"No."

"Aaron, I already told you it's non-negotiable."

"NO!"

"Why the fuck not!"

"'cause what if they get scared that you won't come back the way their folks did!" Aaron blurted. "What if something happened to you, trying to get here to help me? No. You can't come. You can't leave them and you can't bring them. You can't risk it."

"You listen to me right now," Hawk said, keeping his voice low and firm because Aaron's had been steadily getting higher and louder and Hawk needed him to listen, breathe and realize that Hawk wasn't going to leave him to deal with this on his own. "Nothing is going to happen to me."

"You don't know that!"

Okay, arguing with him wasn't going to do anything but get him more worked up, and while Hawk had been trying to type to Kelly while reasoning with Aaron, he wasn't making himself clear on that end because Kelly had sent back WTF and question mark memes.

"I gotta go. Don't you fuckin' dare show up here!" Aaron snapped before ending the call, leaving Hawk infuriated and scared to death about what might happen after he went back to that house for a second time.

Instead of finishing his message to Kelly, he hit the green phone icon to call him again.

"Hey, what's going on, you never blow up my messenger that way," Kelly said by way of greeting. "Did something happen to one of the kids?"

"No, it's Aaron."

There were rumbles in the background and someone asking if he was okay, which meant Hawk had been right about band practice, but it also meant that he needed to be careful about what he revealed in front of Micah and Declan or Aaron might never forgive him.

"I fuckin' knew I should have gone with him, even if I had to shadow him so he didn't notice me until we were on the plane!" Kelly snaped. "What happened? I swear to god, Hawk if those bastard did anything to hurt him or make him relapse…."

"His mom died."

"Wait…his what? I thought she'd passed away when he was a kid, that's why he was living with his grandparents."

"Apparently they never thought to tell him that she was still alive until they needed him to come home and bury her," Hawk explained.

"The fuck? Oh my god, those assholes, are you fuckin' kidding me?"

"I wish I was," Hawk said. "Aaron was with her when she passed, and now he's on his way to break the news to his grandparents and aunt, at which point I don't know what's gonna happen. There were already issues when he showed up like they requested. He said that he didn't even make it through the door before they were on him about his tats and clothes."

"Fuckin' bastards."

"I don't give two shits about them at the moment," Hawk explained. "I need you to get on a flight and get your ass here so I can get to Aaron. The kids and I will meet you at the airport. Text me when you have your ticket so I'll know how to schedule my flight. Just throw shit in a backpack, if you need anything else just raid my closet, I just need to get there before the walls start closing in on him and he goes to find a bar and you know which one he'll find, too."

The exhaustion in Kelly's voice was evident when he replied. "Whisky Wildz."

"Exactly."

"I'm already shutting things down over here," Kelly said. "I'll text you as soon as I know when I'm supposed to land."

"Thanks Kelly."

"Anytime."

They ended the call and Hawk scrubbed a hand on his face, trying to settle his nerves. It wasn't a long flight from California to Wyoming, but there was no way of knowing when the next flight was set to take off or if there would be a seat available for Kelly so Hawk focused on what he could do at the moment, which was check on the kids, be grateful they were still sleeping, then go stuff things in a bag and put it by the door. Ella was still playing with her Play-Doh, lost in the joy of creating colorfully glittery sundaes, so he went to the kitchen and started getting their after nap snack ready.

Thank the universe that it was Saturday and there was no school in the morning, speaking of which, Kelly would need to know where the school was and when drop off and pickup times were and where to take Ella for Daisy's on Wednesday if he and Aaron weren't back by then.

He really hoped they would be. Not just for the kids, but for Aaron, since the longer he was around those people the more damage they had the potential to do.

He'd just put cut up grapes on a plate when Dani wandered in rubbing her eyes, her hair sleep tousled and sticking up in several places. That kid had the worse bed head and usually ended up with snarls. Another note to add to the long list he was writing out for Kelly. The wet-dry comb with the wavy teeth was the only one that could be used on Dani's hair without resulting in tears and detangler. Leave in conditioner was a must for both girls, who had long, loose curls.

He wrote out their nighttime routine, and made a note of favorite breakfast foods and who wouldn't or couldn't eat what. He tried to think of everything Kelly could possibly need, but Aaron was never far from his thoughts and he couldn't help but feel like he was forgetting something because of it.

"Come here, sweetheart," Hawk said as he reached out to take Dani's hand and guide her to her chair, still looking sleepy and a bit pouty too. "Your snack is all ready for you. Is your brother awake?"

"Uh-huh but he playin' with cars."

"Alright then, you eat up. Ella, come get your snack and I'll put your playset away for you."

"Awe, I wasn't done playing," she said, but good girl that she was, she followed his instructions, coming to sit at the table with Dani while Hawk went and cleaned up her Play-Doh.

"Please don't mix the colors," she called out as he closed one of the containers, grateful that he'd remembered that himself so she wouldn't be upset the next time she went to play.

"I won't," he called back.

A few minutes later he carried the playset into her room and put it up on a high shelf in her closet with her other playsets so her siblings couldn't get into them, then he went to find Liam, who was carefully positioning twi cars to race.

"Hey buddy," Aaron said as he poked his head into the room. "It's snack time."

Liam huffed, shoulders slumping. "Can I make them race first?"

"One time," Hawk replied. "Then get your butt to the kitchen."

"O-kay."

Hawk waited until Liam joined them to tell the kids that they were going to take a little ride when they were through. As it always did, the thought of going somewhere motivated them to finish their snacks and get dressed with little prompting and only a slight outfit change when Dani showed up at the door in a pajama top and one of the fairy princess tutus she loved. He let her keep the skirt, but swapped the top for something a little warmed before adding leggings and socks to the ensemble too.

He waited until they were on the road to explain to them that he needed to go away for a few days, but that uncle Kelly was flying in to take care of them and they'd have loads of fun.

"But you're coming back, right?" Ella asked, voicing the very fear that Aaron had been worried about.

"Of course, sweetheart and I won't be alone either. Uncle Aaron will be with me."

In the rearview, Hawk could see the worried look on Ella's face. "Really?"

"Really, really, I promise."

"Pinky promise?" Dani asked.

"Yes, but only after we reach the airport where it will be safe for me to take my hands off the wheel."

"O-kay," Dani said, but he'd come to know that tone.

For a little kid, she could be awfully skeptical. On one hand, it might keep her from being taken advantage of, but on the other, he hated to think of her mistrusting honest intentions because something had shaken her trust in the people around her. Another thing to work on. Maybe one day the list would get shorter, but for now, he'd focus on what lay in front of him so he could keep the pinky promise he was about to make, along with the rest of them the cheeky little imp had managed to weasel out of him.

Standing in the cemetery behind the church with Hawk's hand on his shoulder, grounding him and keeping him from glaring at his so-called grieving family several feet away, all Aaron could think about was how grateful he was that Hawk hadn't listened to him about coming. He'd blown up when he'd seen the bruise on Aaron's face though and twice more, during the planning process, when Aaron had been trying to sort and sign the paperwork he was being handed and one of his relatives made some backhanded comment. At one point they'd even suggested that he sing with the church choir during her funeral, like he'd have been able to choke his way through any song with how frayed his emotions had been ever since that glass had flown his way.

On the other side of the coffin, the preacher was talking about ashes, dust and the peace that was supposed to be waiting on the other side. It didn't seem fair that a person had to wait for death to feel relief when death was supposed to be the end of all feeling, but then, Aaron never had understood much about the convoluted ways the church explained things. Seemed like there were an awful lot of loopholes too, and things that were open to interpretation and debate.

Rain splattered against his cheek, or maybe he was crying again. When he reached up to rub away the tears, he felt the ache of the bruise the glass had left. It wasn't near as bad as the bruise on his side from where he'd crashed into the kitchen table after Pop-pop had slammed his wheelchair into him, but at least he'd managed to keep that one concealed from Hawk. That had happened on his second visit to that pale yellow house, when he'd gone to tell them his mother had passed.

He'd scarfed edibles and gotten so high he'd nearly made himself sick to his stomach and probably would have gotten into worse if Hawk hadn't knocked on the door of his room at the bed and breakfast and enveloped Aaron in the hug he'd desperately needed.

When Hawk's hand fell away from his shoulder, Aaron shivered and inched closer to him while he opened an umbrella and held it over them. It didn't keep the rain from blowing at them from the side, or the flowers from scattering when the rough gusts tore them from their bouquets.

His Gram had said it was fitting, that the day of her death should be filled with as much turmoil as she'd wrought in life. Her words should have stung, but the only thing Aaron cared about was getting his mother in the ground properly, and himself as far away from this place as he could get.

The preacher said his final prayer and the first shovel of dirt hit the surface of the coffin with a wet, gritty rattle. How was a person supposed to feel, losing someone they'd never really had? He searched his soul for a sense of loss, but it had always been there. Death where he'd always believed death was, didn't change the sensation of emptiness. Maybe that was because nothing here ever could.

That revelation hit him as he watched his gram and pop-pop walk past him without sparing him a glance. His aunt lingered by the grave of her sister, scattering rose petals among the dirt that was steadily being shoveled in. Other people had the kinds of relationships where hugs would be welcome, but in his gram's house, that kind of affection was reserved for those who weren't tainted.

In other words…those who weren't him.

Only after she walked away did he move among the rows. It was a long shot, but he was searching for the headstones of anyone named Erik to see if there was someone among them that his mother might have grown up with. There were two Eriks that fit the timeframe, so he wrote down the names and dates, trying to avoid getting the paper so wet that he wouldn't be able to read it later. It helped that Hawk did his best to keep the umbrella over him, despite Aaron's love of the rain.

It won't help anything for you to get sick. Would just delay our trip home since I know you wouldn't go anywhere near the kids if you weren't feeling well and no way in hell would I leave you here alone.

He was right, even if Aaron longed to tip his head back and feel the rain wash the tears from his face. A silent presence, Hawk guided him back to the car when he was done wandering, their bags already in the trunk, their flight home booked.

Home.

Hawk had been referring to it that way since he'd arrived. No longer calling it my place, or the cabin , but home . Just the promise of it was far warmer than that bright yellow house had ever been.

"Do you still have the number for the private investigator you used when that crazy stalker fanboy was running around impersonating you?" Aaron asked after several miles had rolled past.

"Yeah, he really saved my ass, so I held on to it in case we ever needed help like that again."

"The cops were looking to put you under the jail by the time that guy was through spinning his lies," Aaron recalled. "I hope he's just as good at untangling old mysteries."

"You want to know who Erik was, don't you?"

"Yeah, I really do," Aaron admitted. "I guess, maybe it's ‘cause I need to know that she loved somebody and that she was loved ‘cause I don't think those old bastards loved her anymore than they loved me."

"I don't think they know the meaning of love," Hawk said as he reached over and squeezed Aaron's knee, "but none of that matters anymore. They don't have to feel anything for you ‘cause me and the kids, we're gonna show you what a home and family are supposed to be like. And you don't need to worry about the band, either, I've got an idea that might help all of us get exactly what we need. Just trust me okay?"

"Always."