1. Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Future? What Future?
"Great, this is just fuckin' great! You cannot seriously think we can perform with a cultist and a cri…." Aaron's voice lowered to a whisper, "guy in a wheelchair!"
Kelly shoved away from the desk, swiveling, and slamming his knee into a stone and wood coffee table.
"OWE God fuckin' dammit! I thought I told you not to pull that over here!" Kelly grumbled, grimacing, and wincing as he glared at Aaron.
"And I thought you heard me doing it!" Aaron replied as he returned to his task of breaking up a bright green nug shot through with yellow tendrils.
"Oh hell no! You are not lighting that up in here!" Kelly snarled, shooting him a cross between a glare and a grimace while furiously rubbing his knee.
"No, I'm rolling it in here. I will be sure to smoke it somewhere you and your newfound sobriety aren't."
"Last I checked, you were supposed to be maintaining your sobriety too."
"I'll have you know I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since we struck our deal, and I won't. But I will smoke as much of this as I chose ‘cause I'll be damned if I'm doing this little jam session of yours without something in my system."
"Way to embrace this thing with open arms," Kelly grumbled beneath his breath. "Now, as for your original question, I know that I can perform and make amazing music with Micah and Declan. I would also like to keep on making it with my best friend, but if you ever use those two words to describe them again, it'll be the last time we ever speak."
Aaron glanced up just enough to see the furious look on Kelly's face. Oh well. He could be as angry as he wanted, it didn't change how Aaron felt about the two men who were slated to join them. "Don't get your panties twisted, I'll make sure I pick a language you don't know."
"How about you just don't say anything derogatory at all?"
Growling, Aaron smacked his hand on the table hard enough to rattle his rolling tray. "How about you come to your senses and admit this is a horrible idea!"
"Can't admit what I don't believe."
"Mark my words, you will."
"Look," Kelly snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose and visibly counting like Aaron couldn't tell how close he was to losing his shit. "If you're gonna go smoke, then go out on the balcony and get it over with, then come back in and at least try to be nice. You loved their playing when you first heard them. That should not have changed after I shared their dossiers with you."
"You were being an underhanded prick when you insisted we hold blind auditions," Aaron griped. "The least you can do is admit it."
"Fine, maybe I was, knowing some of your issues, but just who would you have chosen if we hadn't done it that way?"
"That's easy," Aaron said as he finished rolling a nice-sized blunt, "Kazzy Malone and Reid Davis."
"You're fuckin' shitting me right now! Kazzy Malone? The guy knows one speed. He's got no versatility. If it isn't pure thrash, he tries to make it that way! Hell, he headlines the dirt sheets every other week! He's exactly what we don't want. What don't you understand about building a whole new image?"
"The part where new equals turning us into a bunch of soft Christian rockers with a god damned message in every song. We're not going to get many invites to tour or play festivals if we get a reputation for being…."
There were plenty of things Aaron wanted to say, all of which he censored as he rolled the blunt back and forth on the tray, mindful of Kelly's threat.
"At least Kazzy would keep things interesting," Aaron finally offered when nothing else came to mind.
"Haven't you had enough of his particular brand of interesting?"
"Meh," Aaron muttered as he stood, blunt held between his fingers as he headed for the balcony door.
"Is that a meh you're right or meh it's taking too much effort to think of an interesting excuse for why you haven't gotten all the party boy, live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse bullshit out of your system! Weren't you just gripping about how you were over bouncing from after-party to after-party? What was that, two months ago? Why the sudden change of tune?"
"That was before I realized there was little else in the cards for me."
"For fuck's sake Aaron, get over yourself and while you're at it, tell Hawk you've been miserable and missing him and the kids since you came back from your last visit to Wyoming! I'm sure he'd appreciate hearing it far more than I have."
"I'm not miserable…I'm just…"
"Miserable!" Kelly declared, silencing all of Aaron's attempts at protesting. "And I'm god damned tired of it. You two should never have broken up in the first place."
"Don't you mean broken up again ?"
"That too," Kelly grumbled as he bushed the hair from his eyes.
"Then you should be saying it to him, not me! I never wanted to split up. He made that decision for the both of us when he decided that I wouldn't be able to handle helping him raise his brother's kids!"
"In all fairness, it's a hell of a lot for him to take on with how abruptly he was forced into it," Kelly replied. "Asking someone else to commit themselves when it isn't their responsibility…."
"We're not talking about just anyone! We're talking about me."
"Yes, pre-sober you, which, much like pre-sober Hawk, was one shitshow after another waiting to happen."
"Thanks a lot, captain pot."
"Which is actually why I can say that and know what I'm talking about!"
Letting out a long breath, Aaron barely refrained from reminding Kelly all the shit he'd pulled. "At least we agree on something."
"Look. You and Hawk, you make magic when you create together. That never changed no matter what the parameters of your relationship. Fuckbudies, dating, you damn near gave the rest of us whiplash with how inconsistent you've been these past few years. Let's face it, the relationship wasn't without its turbulence, either, though it never affected your ability to create together. In fact, there were times when it only seemed to enhance it. The way you guys were draped around one another at the end of the last tour, well, I thought you'd finally worked shit out and committed yourselves to giving it a real go."
"We had…until the accident," Aaron muttered, wincing at the memory that invaded his thoughts. When Hawk had gotten the call to say his brother and sister-in-law had been killed, they'd all known he'd have to step away from the tour for awhile, but none of them had ever expected him to not return at all. Being named guardian of his nieces and nephew had meant big changes for Hawk, but the fallout had blown their once close-knit band all to hell and they were still picking up the pieces. Hawk no longer being a member of the band didn't change the fact that Aaron wanted their relationship to work, whatever adjustments needed to be made to help that happen.
"I guess you'd better get busy changing his mind," Kelly said, mercifully leaving it at that.
Aaron shot him a double bird as he stood and immediately started pacing. "You think I haven't tried?"
"I think you should try again and keep on trying until you get it right. You two were meant for one another. Anything else is just a meaningless hookup…haven't you been the one saying that for years?"
Nodding, Aaron had to concede that point. "Yeah."
"Then figure out what you need to do to convince him that you're ready, willing, and able to be everything he needs right now, and for fuck's sake, chill out tonight, please. Don't go playing the part of the asshole you're known to be when forced out of your element. You do remember how to relax and not be a dick, don't you?"
"We'll see," Aaron said, waving the blunt in his direction. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go hydrate."
"Yeah, you do that," Kelly grumbled.
Scowling, Aaron flipped him off a second time before stepping into the cool night and closing the balcony door behind him. Through the glass he watched Kelly slump in his seat, pinch the bridge of his nose, and shake his head like he was utterly done with Aaron.
Too bad. Micah and Declan might be the best musicians who'd auditioned, but performing with someone was different from making music with them. On stage you needed a special type of chemistry; levels of trust and energy that only grew the more you shared them. Aaron had serious reservations about his ability to connect with either of them.
Closing his eyes, Aaron exhaled, a smile tugging the corners of his lips as memories of old songs washed over him. Damn but he really wished Hawk was here right now. They'd had some amazing times in this space.
And a lot of not so good ones too.
Those stray thoughts we intrusive as hell and now his nerves were kicking in. A band was close knit, intimate….family. You knew things about one another the world would never know. It took a level of trust to get to that point, and a level of comfort too. The last thing he needed was someone tripping him back into old memories of the grandparents who'd raised him and the joyless, loveless house he'd grown up in. He'd hated it there. Hated that they'd believed his every thought, desire and action was going to send him sliding down the slippery slope into hell. Most of all, he'd hated their inability to show any sort of love or affection for him.
How was he supposed to create with someone who might see things the same way? What little he knew of the Amish, they were as strict and devoted as his damned grandparents. Was it even possible to separate yourself from that life enough to create the kind of music Aaron and Kelly did? It was just one of many things that left him skeptical about Micah. He could practically picture the sneer on their new guitarist's face when he got a taste of some of the lyrics they'd written. Aaron was not about to negotiate with someone about what they would or wouldn't play and he sure as fuck wasn't about to change a single god damned word, no matter who they offended.
Through the glass, Aaron watched as Kelly opened the door and ushered in their new bandmates, but he waited until they'd vanished down the hall before he came back in and made a beeline for Kelly's kitchen, rummaging around in the fridge until he found the leftover beef and broccoli container he'd forgotten to take home. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten how many days ago that was, and opening it up revealed the sad, sickening sight of mold on everything.
Nose wrinkling in revulsion, he carried it to the trash and quickly disposed of it as Kelly joined him in the room.
"Cleaning out my fridge for me?" Kelly asked as he leaned against the counter.
"Naa, was gonna finish my beef and broccoli only to discover there was far more penicillin than broccoli and the beef smelled rancid as hell."
"Thanks for the image, not. I'm guessing all the containers are that way."
"Yeah, that's a you problem. I'm just looking for something to snack on," Aaron remarked as his gaze landed on the Cookie Monster cookie jar.
In his head, he could hear Cookie Monster's voice growling Cooookiiiiieeee, revving up his hopes that the container would contain something besides air and crumbs. YES. His fingers closed around something smooth, which he quickly pulled out.
"Oh my god you have Thin Mints!" Aaron declared before shoving it in his mouth.
"I'd assume you did too, since Ella was the one selling them."
"I may have grossly underestimated how many I could eat in one sitting."
"Holy shit, how many did you eat?"
"Well. It was movie marathon day, so you know how that goes," Aaron muttered around the cookie in his mouth, shrugging as he rummaged around in the jar for a couple more.
"Yeah, you got set up in your home theater with junk food and a stack of fat blunts and didn't move all day unless it was to piss or puke."
"Which only happened once. The puking that is."
"If you're not careful, you're going overdose on sugar one of these days!" Kelly snapped, moving the cookie jar farther away from him.
The last thing Aaron was in the mood for was to be reminded of another vice he sucked at controlling.
"That much sugar is not good for anyone," Kelly pointed out, arms around the jar, guarding the damn thing to keep it out of Aaron's hands.
"I wasn't gonna have that many," Aaron grumbled before polishing off the three he held.
"You ready to play?" Kelly asked, a hopeful tone to his voice.
"Ready, no. But I'll play if only to prove to you why none of this is going to work out the way you want it to."
"That's it!" Kelly yelled, shoving the cookie jar into the wall hard enough that the lid violently rattled. "Go home, Aaron. I'm not going to have you fuck this up for me."
"I thought this was supposed to be for us "
"It was until I realized you haven't changed at all. Why didn't you roll with Jason and Ethan once the band split up? It would have been easier for the three of you to replace me and Hawk. As it is, I don't know how I'm going to replace any of you."
"I never said I wanted to be replaced."
"You don't have to say it. The fact that you don't want to give the best musicians a chance to play is all I need to know."
"You could have at least met me halfway and agreed to reopen the auditions."
"Why, when we heard all we needed to!" Kelly snapped. "Those were your words, not mine, though I happen to agree. You're being a dick, like, in the worst way possible. I never would have expected this from you, not in a million years. Calling Micah a cultist is bad enough, but using the word cripple…"
"Technically, I only started to say the word!"
"which was already too much. I'm just curious about one thing."
"Shoot."
"Which bothers you more: the handicap, or the religion?"
"You know how I feel about people preachin' at me."
"Yeah, and…? Micah isn't here to preach, he's here to play."
Aaron snorted and shouldered past Kelly on his way to the door.
"Show me one bible thumper that can make it through a conversation without tossin' in God, Jesus, salvation, or damnation."
"Not every Christian is like the folks your grandparents raised you around. You should know that by now! I know you know that the Amish aren't cultists. They just choose to keep themselves separate and steeped in the past."
"Whatever."
"Face it, Aaron, you've got issues with openly religious people."
"No, I just think people should keep their religion and their politics, to themselves," Aaron snarked as he stormed through the living room and out the front door, slamming it behind him hard enough to echo down the hall.
"Uncle Hawk, tell Dani to give back my bear!"
"My bear!"
"It's not, it's mine!"
"My bear!"
Biting back the urge to plead with them to knock it the fuck off and go to bed, Hawk headed down the hall towards the commotion, hoping he wasn't about to find some poor, hapless stuffed animal in pieces, again , after they'd played tug of war with it. He'd barely managed to stitch together the last one, whose paw, Ella had pointed out, was sewn on backwards. She'd balked at his offer to cut it back off and try again, hugging the bear to her chest and fleeing to her room bawling when he'd suggested it.
Damnit all, if he wasn't careful, he was gonna traumatize these kids before he got his shit together and figured out how the whole parenting thing worked. Fortunately, no fluff covered floor greeted him when he reached the room. Just Ella's tear-streaked face and Dani's angry one.
"Guys, it's getting way too late to be arguing. Both of you are supposed to be picking up your rooms so you can get ready for bed," Hark said.
"I was, Uncle Hawk," Ella protested, "Until Dani came in, picked up my bear and tried to take it to her room."
"Dani, is that your sister's bear?" Hawk asked, feeling a headache coming on.
Dani's lower lip trembled as she hugged the bear, her face no longer furious but fearful. Even her voice lost some of its defiance when she answered him. "My bear."
"Are you sure?" Hawk asked as he knelt to almost eye level with her. She'd need to grow a few inches before that worked out properly.
Her shoulders slumped, a sure sign that it was, in fact, Ella's bear.
"You both mean!" Dani declared as she tried to throw the bear at Ella only to hit Hawk in the face with it.
Blinking, he stared down at the bear that now lay on the carpet, trying to determine how the hell he was supposed to respond.
"Dani, it isn't nice to throw things," Hawk said as he pointed to the bear. "Now you need to pick him up and hand him to Ella nicely."
Pouting, she stood with her arms crossed, her features twisted into a furious scowl even as the waterworks started. Anger he could deal with, but he never quite knew what to do with tears. He was half temped to give her the damned bear and buy Ella a new one, only that wouldn't solve anything but starving off a tantrum and making Dani think she could take whatever she wanted and get to keep it if she protested returning it loudly enough.
"Dani, would you like to sit in the time out chair and miss story time?" He asked, keeping his tone even, but stern.
"Not fair!" She whined, stomping her foot.
"It will be very fair if you keep behaving the way you are now," Hawk told her. "Now please, pick up the bear and give him back to your sister, then go back to your room and put your toys in your toybox like I asked you to. If you don't have them picked up by story time, you won't be able to listen."
Huffing, she finally uncrossed her arms, picked up the bear and handed it to Ella, if a little roughly. Still, it was better than throwing. "You still mean!" She declared before rushing from the room.
Well, that went a little better than expected, he thought as he straightened up.
"Thank you, Uncle Hawk," Ella said before giving her bear a little kiss on its fuzzy head and setting it on her bed with several others.
"You're welcome, kiddo, now get this mess picked up or no one will be getting a story tonight," Hawk said as he let his gaze linger around the room.
Hers wasn't as messy as Dani's but there were still crayons on the floor and her bed and several coloring books that needed to be put away, along with scattered pieces of paper from where she'd been drawing.
At least with them cleaning up in separate rooms, there was a chance he could sit at the kitchen island for long enough to finish the ever-growing grocery list. Of course, the universe had other plans for him, as his phone started screeching from his pocket the moment he sat down.
"Kelly, this isn't a good night for me to listen to anything," Hawk said by way of greeting. "Just email me the links and I'll get you some feedback as soon as I can."
"Can you get me a new guitar player and someone to front this band?" Kelly asked, his words stopping Hawk's thumb from touching the red telephone icon to end the call.
Was the universe seriously using him for its personal chew toy right now? Groaning, Hawk barely resisted the urge to bang his head on the counter. "What happened?"
"Aaron decided shit wasn't gonna work with Micah and Declan, and get this, he wants Kazzy to play drums."
"Joy. So…what, exactly are you expecting me to do about it?"
"I dunno, talk to him or something."
"Because talking really gets me anywhere with him."
"Further than not talking to him."
"True, but…"
"Just try, okay. Maybe he'll give you the answers he won't give me."
"Don't get your hopes up," Hawk replied, the complicated relationship between him and Aaron one of many things he hadn't had time to devote to lately, which sucked, ‘cause he really missed the bastard and needed him more than he was willing to admit at the moment. That would just open floodgates he wasn't sure he'd be able to slam the gate on if he needed to.
"Trust me, there's little chance of that," Kelly remarked, sounding utterly defeated as he ended the call.
Joy.
Another thing to add to the never-ending list of shit he didn't have time for.
He'd have asked what was next, but even he wasn't stupid enough to tempt fate that way.