Kovas

KOVAS

We were home. We were safe.

Mera was healthy and healing.

Everything should have been perfect.

But gradually and inexplicably, over the course of a few days, Mera pulled away from me.

She became distant, quiet.

Sometimes she'd disappear altogether, and my heart would race, panic consuming me until I found her again.

Portholes were rare on the station, the Uune having obviously decided that the view wasn't worth losing structural stability.

But Mera found every one, gazing out, her face blank, her eyes filled with an emotion I didn't understand.

And worst of all, she wouldn't talk to me about what was going on. When I approached her and tried to touch her, she would stiffen and edge further into herself. When I asked her about it, she got defensive and angry.

"Where's Mera been?" Tessi asked a week later, when I ran into her and Amy in the common room of the compound. "We wanted to go out on a girl's night with her, but she's not answering her percomm."

"She's gone," I said bitterly.

"What do you mean, ‘she's gone'?" Tessi demanded. "Why didn't you tell us? Where is she?"

I shook my head. "She's here; she's just… not here. I don't know. She pushes me away." Amy looked down, gnawing at her lip as the words burst from me. "I would do anything for her, but I don't know how to help. Whatever this burden is, I should take it from her, but she won't tell me what she needs."

"How long were you in that cell?" Amy finally asked.

"I don't know. A couple of weeks. Maybe. I was unconscious for most of it." I shrugged. "I've had much worse."

"I was in a cell with Mera for a long time." Amy smiled. "She kept me going. She was strong and positive and an inspiration to all of us."

"Then what's wrong? We're out of there, she's free. Isn't everything all right now?" Part of me wanted to stop talking about the topic, but Amy was relentless.

"No, you don't get it," she insisted. "When I got out, all I could do for days was cry. I tried to hide it from Razov and everybody because I felt insane, but it was like my mind was a pressure cooker, and the top had blown off. Everything I felt was just right there at the surface."

Tessi nodded. "I remember. We found all the ice cream joints on the station, I think."

Amy looked at me expectantly, but I just stared at her. "What are you saying?"

She blew out a frustrated breath. "I was there for a long time, but Mera was there even longer. They beat her; they tortured her – you found her in solitary confinement. She kept everyone else going, but who kept Mera going?"

Oh.

I'd failed my mate. How could I fix this?

"Then what do I do if she won't even talk to me?"

Tessi and Amy exchanged glances. "Before you showed up," Amy said slowly, as if I were a small child, "Mera didn't know if she would ever get out. She thought she would die there. All her energy and strength went into keeping herself afloat."

I thought about the long days and nights we had spent together and how strong she had seemed at the time. "So why is she completely different now?"

Amy shrugged. "She's tired. Everything has changed for her so quickly that she's reeling a little bit. Give her time."

I was doubtful, but Tessi piped in. "I think Amy's right. Give her space. Maybe do some of the things she does, but don't press her to talk. Just be there for her."

That sounded stupid. Don't talk? How would I know what she was thinking? I was supposed to empathize with her, and I couldn't do that if I didn't know what she was thinking.

Amy put a hand on my arm. "She loves you, Kovas. She'll come back." I hoped she was right.

That night, I found Mera in the garden of the top floor of the Nebula, arms wrapped around her knees as she stared out into the Void.

I bit my tongue, the taste of blood a welcome distraction from the glistening trail down her cheek that made it clear she'd been crying.

Instead of talking, I sat on the ground next to her in silent vigil.

The longer I looked at the stars, the less I was able to look away. I had never noticed how beautiful they were before. They'd always been a reference point, a marker for another battle, another job.

That night, quietly watching them, they shone in the velvety darkness like diamonds.

Just as the stars swirled in my field of vision and I was about to fall asleep, I heard the voice that brought me back from death's door in a prison cell. "What are you thinking?"

I rubbed my face and wondered if it was okay to talk now. "The stars are pretty." She looked at me quizzically. "No, really," I said. "I'd never paid attention before. I should have. Why, what are you thinking?"

She gave a small smile and looked back out the window. She reached for my hand and squeezed it. "You know what? I was thinking the exact same thing." She laughed for the first time in days and leaned her head over on my shoulder.

"There's so many things I want to do, that I never made time for before. Now that I know how easily everything could end, I want to make sure I don't let those chances slip away."

Lacing my fingers with hers, I kissed the top of her head. "Whatever you want, I will make it happen. I swear there will be nothing you regret."

I racked my mind, trying to come up with something, anything she might enjoy.

What was it that Tessi and Amy had done?

"Would you like to go get ice cream?" I offered.

Mera pulled away from me, her eyes wide, and my heart skipped for a moment. It felt like it was the first time in a long time she was with me now, not trapped in her mind, lost in the past.

"Are you serious?" Her nose crinkled adorably. "Do you like ice cream?"

"I don't know yet," I said honestly. "Let's go find out."

Quickly, I messaged Amy and Tessi, and held my breath until they replied.

I could tell you a dozen places to buy almost any type of weapon you might want.

Acquiring frozen desserts was a mystery.

Walking hand in hand with Mera through the bustling booths of the bazaar, I couldn't help but be captivated by her presence all over again. Her sparkling green eyes reflected a mix of curiosity and wonder. It was as if she carried a piece of her home planet's beauty with her, lighting up the entire station around us.

As we passed through the crowd, I couldn't help but notice Mera's enchantment with the diverse array of sentients that filled the station, trying to imagine it all from her perspective.

"What are you thinking?" I asked quietly.

She shook her head. "I've lived my entire life on the station, but I've never really had a chance to stop and wonder at it all. Every day was about survival, earning out my contract, trying to get enough to eat, a place to sleep."

A finely woven scarf of Ondisari silk caught her attention and her fingers traced the intricate pattern made of subtle shades of blue.

I draped it around her shoulders, handing my percomm to the weaver to pay for it.

"It's beautiful work," Mera exclaimed. "I can't imagine how you do something like this!"

The Ondisari woman held up four of her long black, glossy legs, clicking the tips together in laughter. "I have a bit of an advantage over you."

As we went deeper towards the food vendors, Mera played with the end of the scarf. "That's what I mean. How many different kinds of people live here, from so many different worlds, all together? Their culture and history, their hopes and dreams are all here on Thodos. And I didn't pay attention."

"Then let's start now," I answered. "Spend the year studying them all. Spend the next ten years. Whatever you want, I will support it."

Mera froze. "But what if I don't know what I want, not really?" she whispered, her hands pressed to her chest as if she thought her heart might leap out.

"Pick something, anything," I said, wrapping my arms around her. "If you hate it, stop and pick something else. It's not like you're making a lifelong commitment to anything." Bending down, I kissed the scarlet tracery down her cheek. "That's only for me. You can change your mind about anything else in the universe."

At her broad smile, the heavy weights that had sat in my gut for days dissolved.

Finally, we came across a small booth adorned with shimmering walls. Behind the counter stood a golden-furred alien of a race I didn't recognize, his eyes twinkling with a mischievous glimmer.

For a moment, I worried, then decided to trust Amy's recommendation.

Besides, if the stranger tried anything, I could end him easily enough.

"Welcome, esteemed travelers!" The vendor greeted us with a flourish. "What can I tempt you with today?"

The small counter curved around him, half a dozen circular pits filled with a riot of colors.

"What are," I pointed to the display. "All of those?"

The vendor grinned, leaning on the counter with a theatrical air. "Ah, my fine sir, we have flavors that will transport your taste buds to distant galaxies! From Nebula Nectar to Stellar Swirl, and even Moonlit Madness."

Mera's lips twitched as she fought back a giggle. "Well, however should we decide between them?"

"No deciding," I said. "We'll take one of each."

"That's too much!" Mera protested, while the vendor quickly moved to fill our order.

Obviously he was smarter than first appearances would imply.

"You can't choose until you've tried everything, right?" I said, paying for our treats and taking the hastily assembled carrying box. "Let's go find out your favorites."