WOT

"Have you ever dreamt that your child went missing?"

I've posed this question to many parents. It comes as no surprise that the resounding answer is yes. Losing a child is a nightmare, whether it be literal or figurative.

But for those parents who've had their children go missing, they almost always follow up with an unprompted statement:

"I never thought it would actually happen."

Lewis Mathis is different.

"Thought about it every night," he tells me over coffee in his modest single-story ranch in Clear Lake, California. "She was famous in a way I didn't understand. Men had access to her in a way I didn't understand. I thought if anything happened, she'd be abducted. But this..." Lewis shakes his head, running his thumb along the rim of his empty coffee cup. It's a Father's Day mug, the draw-and-bake type. Avery's stick figure illustration of her and Lewis holding hands is forever sealed in the ceramic. "I was the one who introduced her to hiking. I trusted the wilderness. Maybe it isn't logical, and I know it isn't fair, but I'll never be able to shake the thought that I helped kill her."

Lewis's adoration for his daughter is apparent in the way he speaks of her, his home a shrine to Avery the girl, not Avablade the YouTuber. School and sports photos of Avery cover the walls in crooked frames. On the coffee table is a photo of Avery holding a foot-long trout, the first fish she ever caught. She's missing her two front teeth. It's Lewis's favorite.

He tells me many things she never shared with her fans. Her phobia of the dark. Her emergency trip to the ER when she got a Barbie shoe stuck up her nose. Her favorite hiking snack: yogurt-covered pretzels.

He tells me she struggled with her sexuality.

"I always knew, I guess. Your kids tend to trust you with those kinds of things when you're a decent parent.

"After she went missing, I found a vlog on her YouTube account. It's unlisted, not private. Her other vlogs she kept in an encrypted folder on her hard drive. But this one... It's like she wanted someone to find it."

Lewis is certain of this, so he shares the link with me.

Avery sits at her desk. It's an old video from the days before she was famous, the footage pixelated, her dorm walls covered in university swag. Her eyes are rimmed red, her hair disheveled. She wears little makeup. Either she's been crying, or she's hungover. Maybe both.

She doesn't look directly into the camera as she speaks.

"Last night I... I messed up.

"Everyone was at the frat parties celebrating the end of the semester. I wanted to stay back at the dorms to pack, but Bri— my roommate pressured me into going to this house party in the foothills. Said it would only be a few people. I should know by now not to trust her. Fool me twice and all that.

"Some guys had seen my Bioshock 2 playthrough. My roommate must have sent them links to embarrass me or whatever, but it was weird... the guys didn't make fun of me. They thought it was cool and kept asking me questions, like how they could upload their gameplay. I think Bri— my roommate wasn't happy that her plan backfired.

"But, uhh... I'm not great with this whole attention thing. Not yet, at least. Fell back on Ol' Reliable. Still can't get the taste of raspberry vodka out of my mouth. I can't even remember how many I had before I spotted... before I spotted her against the wall talking with a couple of people I didn't know.

"And there I was, drunk and high off attention. Guess I felt like I deserved everything I've ever wanted. I made such a scene of it too, interrupting her conversation with her friends, asking if I could talk to her in private. She was obviously annoyed, and I didn't even take the hint.

"I think I dragged her into the laundry room. She crossed her arms and looked at me like I was a stranger, but I kissed her anyway.

"The most pathetic thing is that I don't remember the kiss. I don't even know if she kissed me back before pushing me away and telling me to stop."

Avery hangs her head, takes a breath, and then looks straight into the camera.

"I'm sorry. I hope I don't lose you because of this."

The video ends. I am now one of the few who has witnessed Avery Mathis's rare vulnerability.

I ask Lewis if he knows anything about this mystery girl.

"No," he says. "She told me she met someone, and I know they were good friends. Avery wasn't close with many people. I hope this girl forgave her. And if not... I hope she forgives her eventually."