38. Brian

THIRTY-EIGHT

brian

I feel groggy as I wake up, and it takes me a moment to remember where I was and what I was doing. But soon enough it all comes back and crystallizes in my brain. Mina, the syringe, the sharp pinch in my throat, and then the world taking a nap.

“Mina!” I shout, rattling the chains. I’m beginning to regret just how sturdy I made them.

The dungeon is filled with candles. The bare bulbs in the ceiling I usually use when I’m in here are off. The bulbs give off a serial killer vibe, but I have to admit, there is an artistry in the candlelit dungeon—a sophisticated eeriness that is pure Mina.

I try to twist my body around to see her, but she’s either left me alone completely or she’s in my one blind spot. Would she really leave me chained up alone and unconscious with fucking fire?

“Mina!”

“Calm down. I’m here.”

Her voice is a quiet seductive purr coming from the dark corner directly behind me. There’s a long beat of silence, and then she emerges from the shadows. Her boots click across the concrete floor as she moves toward me.

“You really are flirting with death now, aren’t you?” I have no idea what would possess her to pull a stunt like this. “I tell you I almost killed you, and your response is to chain me up? Maybe you do have a death wish after all. Maybe you knew Gregor wasn’t me all along. Is that it? Were you just looking for some strange? Wondering if all killers fucked the same? Or maybe you’d just gotten bored with me.”

She’s silent, refusing to take my bait, she just watches me with a devastating calm I know she learned from me.

I sigh. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re hoping to accomplish with this. You have to unchain me sometime.”

“I know.”

“And what do you imagine will happen when you do?”

She moves to stand in front of me, leaning down so that we’re eye level as she holds my gaze in hers. “Well, I’m hoping you’ll be Brian again.”

“Be careful what you wish for.”

I start to look away, but she grips my chin and forces my gaze back to hers, unwilling to allow me to escape inside myself.

“You listen to me. You can push me away and punish us both for bullshit that never happened, but I’m not giving up on you. You might be a psycho, but you’re my psycho. I know who you are. I know what you are. And I’m not flinching from it. So the fact that you had some big emotions happen that got away from you… so fucking what? You didn’t act on it.”

I swallow hard around the lump forming in my throat, refusing to let her words affect me. How can she even look at me after what I admitted? Instead I go back to the logistical nightmare she’s gotten herself into with my captivity and my worries about what my crazy side will do to her the second I’m free again.

“How did you even get me in here?” I know she can’t lift me on her own. It means someone had to have helped her, and I have a feeling I know who.

“Gabe helped with transport.”

I knew it. “I’ll kill him.”

She just smiles sweetly. “No you won’t.”

“And what exactly is your plan here, Killer?” I rattle my chains again, ignoring her supreme and misplaced confidence that I won’t go after Gabe for his involvement in this.

“I’m rethinking your request from Halloween.”

“It was stupid. You were right. Punishing me won’t help anything.”

She laughs at this. “What a convenient time for you to have this realization. But no, I’m not going to punish you, Brian, not in the way you’re thinking. But I am going to lead for a while, until you find your way back to me.”

I just stare at her because I need her to speak plainly instead of in these damned riddles and also because I’m trying not to feel the one million things she’s making me feel right now. And the loudest thing isn’t even rage, if my erection is any indication.

I haven’t had an erection in her presence in nearly three weeks, since Halloween. It’s not that I’ve somehow lost attraction for her. It would be impossible not to be attracted to Mina, but my body decided to put my desire on lockdown after Halloween, the shame of my dangerous thoughts dousing the flames for her safety.

I can’t fuck her. She isn’t safe with me.

For a few days we were busy dealing with Gabe’s job, but once we were back and there was nothing in our dungeon room but me and Mina, I knew we were past fixing. I couldn’t let myself want her anymore—not for even a moment.

Only now, when I can’t act on these urges, does my body finally allow me this expression of desire.

I let out a hiss as she trails her fingertips lightly down my chest, over the abs I’ve worked so hard for, and then she’s languidly stroking my cock.

“Mina, don’t.”

She stops and crosses her arms over her chest, then she starts to pace the cell. I can’t help but watch and fully take her in. She’s wearing a black leather miniskirt with a slit up the side—not that there’s much fabric there to slit—fishnets, and thigh-high boots. A black leather corset with red ribbon lacing completes this look. Her dark chocolate brown hair is tied up in a high ponytail.

Finally she turns back to me. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course I trust you. It’s not you I’m worried about.”

She strides back over to me, and then her hand is caressing over my cock again.

“Mina…” I groan, willing myself to tell her to stop, but the words refuse to come.

“Look, I’m not dealing with your weird little guilt party anymore. It’s fucking unnatural. You don’t trust yourself? Fine. Then trust me.”

“What exactly are you asking for?”

“I’m asking you to put yourself in my hands and trust me to drive for a while.”

“What does that mean?”

“You know what it means. Don’t play dumb. You’ve lived in this house far too long not to understand power exchange.”

I just blink. I mean I am chained up here, and it’s not as though we haven’t had our games back and forth, but she wants something real. She wants my surrender to her. My real surrender. And it isn’t a completely unfair ask. She’s given me hers, after all.

“What are the parameters? What would this entail?” I don’t know why I’m asking. It’s crazy. I can’t allow this to happen. Even if she’s the one holding the whip, it doesn’t make her safe.

“Upstairs with the house, we continue as we have been. There’s no reason for anyone up there to know our private business. For jobs, we continue as we’ve been—equal partners. Down here, privately? You’re mine. I initiate, you comply. I give the orders; you obey them. Without questioning my methods or complaining.”

“Mina… I don’t see how this can...”

“Shhhh.” She presses a finger against my lips. “You don’t trust yourself. Trust me. I need you to commit to this. It’s not forever, just until you trust yourself again.”

“But I’m still stronger than you, even if you tie me up, you have to let me go eventually, what if…”

“You’re not going to kill me. And if you misbehave like a bad puppy, well you have to sleep sometime, and I know where the drugs are. I’ll punish you if you actually do something wrong.”

I can’t believe this, but I want to do it. I want to let go of the responsibility for just a little while—this tight leash I always feel like I have to keep on myself ever since I realized just how much danger I am to her.

If there is one person I trust in this world, it’s Mina. I know she won’t break me or hurt me. I know she won’t humiliate me or treat me like some dog. But I don’t know if I can. I’m afraid I’ll slip the leash and bite her.

Several minutes pass in silence.

“Brian?”

I sigh. “Untie me. I can’t do this.”

“Brian…”

“Now!” I snap at her—like me snapping at her is going to make her feel motivated to let me roam free near her.

She’s crying when she releases me from the shackles. As soon as I’m free, I practically flee from the dungeon. I want to comfort her. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her everything’s going to be okay, but I can’t face her. I can’t face myself. I go into our bedroom and put on a pair of pants and a black T-shirt. I can’t go upstairs naked, and I’m always conscious of letting anyone at the house see the scars on my back from my childhood. I’m dressed and I’m about to ascend the stairs when her voice stops me.

“Brian!”

I freeze, my hand gripping the railing.

“A-are we over?”

I can’t stand her tears. Why the fuck am I like this? Why can’t I be a better man for her?

“I just need some space,” I say quietly, still not able to look at her.

“All you’ve had is space. For weeks! Can’t you see how this is killing me?”

I go to her and gather her in my arms and just hold her. “Please stop crying, Mina. I can’t do what you want because I can’t be intimate with you right now. I need some time to figure myself out. Please just give me that time.”

She sobs against my neck, holding me so tightly as though I’m just going to throw her away or something. As though I don’t want her.

“Shhhhh,” I whisper against her hair. When she finally calms, I pull away from her, turn away, and go upstairs into the main house, praying she won’t follow.