Chapter 15

fifteen

SAMMY

It is more than enough money to pay off the roofer, including the interest he’s now decided I owe him. I don’t even know what to do with the rest of it. I pay down my mortgage, then save the rest for groceries and bills.

At least now I don’t have to work so much, but that leaves far more time for sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

“All right, that’s it.” Sarah stands up straight in her lawn chair, surprising all of us. I bought take-out, hoping some friend time might be what I need after my last visit to the ob-gyn. “I’m tired of you moping around all the time.”

It’s the dead of winter now, but I insist on continuing to get plenty of sunlight and vitamin D. Sometimes that means bundling up, clearing away the snow, and lying in lawn chairs in my yard.

“Moping?” I ask, sitting up. “I’m not moping.”

“You’ve been moping for months .” She fastens a hard glare on me. “I wish you’d never agreed to do this. Carrying that dragon’s baby has been nothing but misery for you since day one.”

I frown. “I’m fine. Really. My feet aren’t bothering me, I haven’t even had morning sickness, and?—”

“Not that kind,” Sarah says, letting out a defeated sigh. “Why don’t you see him anymore?”

I frown at her. Jared finally returns from getting himself a new hot cocoa. He refuses to sit out here with us, but he likes to be a part of the gossip.

“Because of fe-e-e-elings,” Jared sing-songs. “You know, for such a lovable person, you really don’t hand out your love easily, Sam.”

“Stop ganging up on me,” I grumble.

“It’s true, though,” Sarah says, rubbing her chin. “I think he’s onto something. You’ve been avoiding Zakarion ever since you got pregnant. Why? Clearly you had a thing for him.”

“That’s the problem!” I could just scream. “I can’t have a thing for a dragon who’s three hundred years old, and will live until he’s a thousand years old. That’s a whole ass millennium ! I’m like a blip on the radar for him.”

Jared and Sarah both stare at me with wide, confused eyes.

“Huh?” Jared says, breaking the silence. “That’s what you’re worried about?”

I don’t understand why they don’t get it. “Of course it is! I want to find my forever person, you know? I don’t want to commit to someone when I’m just going to die on them.” I don’t even mention the other part—that if Zakarion were to bond to me, it could spell his end, too.

With a heavy sigh, Sarah drags her lawn chair closer to mine and wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me tight against her .

“Sammy. You fucking idiot.” She pats my head. “I say that as affectionately as possible. You can’t keep pretending you don’t like him, putting on that fake-happy face while you burn up inside. Remember what happened last time?”

Ugh. I know she’s right. At the gym, I faked it and faked it until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I burst apart at the seams. The last thing I want is to explode on Zakarion.

“Have you told him this fear of yours?” Sarah asks.

“It’s not a fear, it’s a fact!” I snap.

“Stop for a second.” She tightens her grip in a rather threatening manner. “Have you told him, or not?”

I cross my arms petulantly. “Why would I? It doesn’t matter. It would never work. It’s not worth it to even open the door.”

Jared pipes up. “But what if you opened the door and found something wonderful on the other side?”

But I don’t see anything wonderful. All I see is heartbreak, and I don’t want to do that to him, or to me.

I decide to pick up snowshoeing, despite my growing belly. It’s only five more months now, according to the ob-gyn—just five more months until I have the baby, and never see Zakarion again.

I lose myself in the woods, following trails that others have left to tiny lodges where I can build a fire and warm up. Nature is mostly silent save for the occasional bird call, which reminds me there’s still life out there, even in the dead of winter.

Often, though, when it’s cold, I think of how warm Zakarion is, how the fire in his chest would keep me toasty even as the snow falls.

While our next appointment rolls around, and the little dragon inside me grows bigger, I debate this question. What would Zakarion do if I told him? Would if he returned my feelings? Then what?

I’m terrified of the idea of telling him the truth—and even more terrified of him saying, but you’re human . He’d be right. I’m nothing, a drop in the bucket of time. He has ancient treasures in his house that date back thousands of years, while I’ll be lucky if I get another sixty or seventy out of my life here on earth.

But Sarah’s right. I can’t keep doing this any longer.

Finally, it’s Tuesday. I drive to the doctor’s office with a hard lump in my throat, dreading what I’m going to say. When Zakarion arrives and enters the lobby, all I want to do is throw my arms around his neck and hug him for everything he’s worth.

I offer him a smile, same as always. “How are you?”

“I’m well,” he says, his mouth in that same hard line that I’ve grown accustomed to, his eyes giving nothing away. “And you?”

“I’m good. Trying to stay warm. At least the snowpack has been good for outdoors sports.”

He frowns deeper. “You have been out doing sports?” His eyes travel down to my belly. “Is that wise?”

I swat at him playfully. “I’m pregnant, not a porcelain doll. It’s good for me to get exercise.”

He furrows his brow. “But nothing strenuous, right?”

“Right,” I say, letting out a small laugh. “Don’t worry, Zak.” I want to slap myself. “Zakarion. Sorry.”

His eyes close and he sighs, as if he’s very tired and my calling him that didn’t help. I ball my hands up in my lap, wondering how things became this way between us. I feel like I don’t know him anymore.

Neither of us speaks until we’re called back into the doctor’s office. Once I’m in a gown, the yeti returns to do the ultrasound. Zakarion sits in his usual place next to me as the ob-gyn covers my belly in gel and starts scanning it.

“Oh, wow.” I can’t help the exclamation as the baby appears on-screen. It’s much bigger than before, with definite features—wings, a tail, even a snout. I gape at what I’m seeing, this little fetus curled up in a ball inside me.

“Cool, huh?” the yeti says, pulling the instrument away. The screen goes dark. He presses some buttons, and a photo he took pops back up. I reach out to touch the screen, where the little baby dragon’s head is curled down so its body forms an egg shape. “I’ll leave you two alone for a few minutes before we talk next steps?”

I nod, and the doctor departs. When he’s gone, I study the picture further, then turn to Zakarion. His eyes aren’t fixed on the screen, but on his hands where they’re clasped tightly together.

Why isn’t he happy? Why isn’t he enjoying this, seeing our kid for the first time? I wish I understood.

I slide my hand into his, and his head jerks up in surprise. I pull away his thumb, as it’s the most I can get my fingers around, and drag it towards my belly. There I place his hand flat, and his big, yellow eyes widen.

“Sammy?” he asks, uncertainty in his voice.

I put my palm on his knuckles and try to smile, but there’s too much sadness behind it to hold it for long.

“Neat, isn’t it?” I ask, trying not to sound as nervous as I feel. “We made this. ”

He nods in agreement, but his face shows very little. I sigh, and my shoulders sag. This is supposed to be happy, that we succeeded, that dragons will continue on for another generation.

I need to say it, or I might just burst.

“Zakarion?”

He tries to pull his hand away, but I don’t let him.

“What is it?” he asks, clearly perplexed by this extended contact.

“I lied to you.” What an opener.

Zakarion frowns even further. “You lied? When?”

“When you asked how I felt.” I take a mighty breath, trying to shore up my strength for what I have to say. “And I said you were my friend.”

His hand jerks under mine like he’s about to pull it back, but I press down, keeping him anchored to my belly. His wide eyes find mine again.

“I didn’t mean it,” I say, and I can’t stop the tears now squeezing out and tumbling down my cheeks. Zakarion inhales sharply. “That wasn’t true at all. You’re so much more than a friend to me. So, so much more. And?—”

A sob I didn’t expect cuts me off. Now he looks more worried than surprised, and his other hand reaches out to land on my shoulder.

“Sammy...?” he asks, tilting his head to one side, confusion twisting his face.

“And...” I hiccup, trying to get the words out. “And... I think... I think that I probably...”

I’m too busy crying now to finish my sentence. Suddenly arms wrap around me, and Zakarion pulls me roughly against his body, though I’m still halfway on the doctor’s table. His claws sink into my shirt, and his long neck curls down to fully embrace me. “Sammy,” he says, his voice miserable. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

“I c-can’t help i-it.” I hiccup again, now in the middle of a full-blown episode. Fucking hormones. “I h-hate not... not talking to you. I hate h-how cold it is between us. I miss you. I miss you so much, Zak.” I slap my hand over my mouth. “I’m sorry, I keep forgetting?—”

“It’s fine. Shh.” He wraps his arms even tighter around me, and the warmth of his chest feels so, so good against my cheek. “You can call me whatever you want, Sammy. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

“For what?” I sniff, wiping away my tears.

“For making you cry.” He leans back, and raises his head to get a good look at me. “I didn’t know you were holding all this inside.”

“You don’t hate me?” I ask, perplexed.

He looks equally as taken aback. “Hate you...?” Sadness fills his eyes. “You thought I hated you?”

“I don’t know!” I sniffle again as I try to right myself on the patient table. “Either me, or the hatchling, or both of us.”

His mouth falls open. “No!” He fervently shakes his head. “Oh, no. That’s the opposite of the truth.”

I wipe my snot away with my sleeve. “Then what is the truth?”

Zakarion closes his eyes, and his shoulders drop like he’s given up on something he’s been holding onto tightly. “I care about you far too much,” he says, so quietly I have to strain to hear him. “Far, far too much.”

“Too much?” I ask. Then why has he behaved this way, like we’re strangers?

“I want you.” He drops his head low, refusing to hold my gaze. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. But you made it clear that’s not what you need. ”

Oh.

I throw my arms around his neck for real this time, and sink against him. He tentatively puts his arms around me in return, holding me close to his chest.

“I think,” I say finally, swallowing hard, “I think that I love you, Zak.”