45. I’m Okay

Mara

I was frustrated.

Figuring out the formatting was more difficult than drafting the damn book. That was not technically true, but I enjoyed the writing, and when I didn’t enjoy it, it was at least therapeutic.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming .

Saving...

Done.

I hovered over the publish button. Should I check it one more time? One last edit? No. I’d read it through in its entirety today, again, and saw nothing glaringly amiss. Sophie had edited it chapter by chapter, cheering me on the whole way, then read it through again after I finished with it. Bex read it after Sophie.

Enough. It was good enough.

Be brave, Mara!

I clicked publish. It was kind of anticlimactic.

Ninety thousand words in four weeks. The story poured out of me. Even if no one ever read it, it needed to be free.

I heard the front door open. I headed out to the kitchen, closing the sunroom door behind me.

“Hello, mommy!”

Excellent, Olivia was still in a good mood.

“Hello, little bird! How are all your friends at the shelter?”

“Pretty good! Fourteen cats adopted new families this week, and five dogs went home, too. Two of them were big dogs, which is excellent. Big dogs are harder to place. We’re having a fun-raiser.”

She slipped off her runners and bounced into the kitchen, Bex following on her heels, smiling.

“A fun-raiser?”

“Fundraiser,” Bex corrected .

“Is there a snack for me, Mom? I’m hungry.”

“I’ll fix it now. You want to sit at the table and chat with us girls?”

“Nope. I’ve had enough chatting. I’m going to the sunroom. Can you bring my snack to me when it’s ready?”

“Yup!” I laughed. You always knew where you stood with Olivia.

Bex came up and hugged me sideways.

“Hi, Bex. Fundraiser?”

“Yes. Willa will talk to you about it.”

“Is Willa still coming? You staying for dinner and girls’ night or do you have to get the twins?”

“Willa’s coming, and I can stay but I don’t smell any food cooking, chickie.”

“Well!” I put my hands on my hips in mock outrage. “I was kind of busy, publishing my book!”

“What?” She slapped her hands over her cheeks. “It’s done?”

I smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

She raised her fist in the air and danced around me. “Woo Hoo! You are the shit, Mara!”

I twirled around with her, laughing and hooting.

“Can you guys be quiet? And Auntie Bex, no swearing! ”

“Yes, little bird,” and “Sorry, beautiful girl,” rang out simultaneously.

Willa walked in while we were still snickering. “Oh, my Lord, what are you two on about now?”

“Oh, nothing…” Bex began, “just the fact that Mara published her book!”

“What?” Willa yelled, then ran over to me, jumping up and down and hugging me.

I jumped with her. I had to. It was either that or get beaned in the eyes by her massive boobs because she was taller than me.

She stopped to confirm. “You did it?”

“Yup!” I beamed up at her. “I did it.”

She wrapped her arms around me. “You’re amazing. I want to be you when I grow up.”

I scoffed, but she went on. “Really, Merry, you are an inspiration. Strongest woman I know.”

My throat felt thick, but I didn’t shut down. I was getting used to accepting compliments and even, gasp, praise.

“I hope you guys know that I could not have done it without you.”

“Oh, no,” Bex interrupted, “you would have. It just would have taken you longer.”

Willa nodded her head, but I shook mine .

“No, not just the writing, all of it, my mental health, my still-in-progress but progressing recovery, getting my life back together, even better than before...as well as the book. I could not have done it without you guys.”

They closed around me, both hugging me. I soaked it up. There were sounds of sniffles, and they weren’t coming from me for once.

“Um, excuse me, but am I getting a snack?”

We broke apart, laughing, and Willa swiped under her eyes. “I’ll get right on that, Birdy.”

After Olivia settled, we sat down at the table.

“Not to be a bummer, but how are things going with Mom?”

“Ah, well, you were right, Willa.”

“What happened, chickie?” Bex asked, her eyebrows raised, “does this woman not learn?”

“We had positive texting, then we had two positive visits, then I saw her a few days ago and she went off on one of her rants, with Olivia there to witness it, unfortunately.” I shrugged.

“You okay?” Willa asked gently.

“You know what, I am. I really am. Zale and I wanted the relationship for Olivia, but it’s hard not to compare, seeing what she gets from you and Bex, how she’s treated by Rhys and Barrett, those are the kinds of relationships she needs. Did you know even Barrett visits her when she’s at the shelter?” Something flickered in Willa’s eyes at the mention of Barrett. I noted it for later. “She gets care and compassion from all of you. With Bea, she’s little more than a prop, and I worry about how Bea will treat her when she’s no longer useful.” I shrugged. “My mother is who and what she is, and I find that her opinion of me does not matter anymore.”

“Really?” Willa seemed doubtful.

“Really,” I replied firmly. “I’m not saying I’m not sad about it, I’m not saying I don’t wish things could be different, but they are how they are, there are a million reasons why they are how they are, and I can’t do anything to change any of it. Not if I want to maintain my boundaries, which I do. It’s her responsibility to look after herself, no matter how many times she tries to make it mine. I firmly believe that now. I’m not even that mad anymore.”

Both Bex and Willa relaxed back in their chairs, but something on Willa’s face alerted me.

“Did she go after you, Willa?”

Willa laughed. “She left me a lovely message.”

“You don’t deserve her,” I stated.

For the first time in almost a decade I saw a wavering doubt in Willa’s gaze.

I reached for her hand. “You don’t deserve her. She certainly doesn’t deserve you. Don’t give her any room in your head. ”

“I know that,” she whispered. “Sometimes it’s just hard to remember.”

“We have a fucked-up family, chickie.”

She laughed. “That we do.”

“So! Tell me about this fundraiser. I think I’d like to help.”

Before Willa could answer, my cell rang. I glanced at the display. Nerves no longer attacked my stomach when the phone rang, although seeing Zale’s name on the display caused a small flutter.

“Hey, Zee.”

“Hey, gorgeous. Did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Did you publish?”

I smiled, happy that he remembered how close I was to finishing. “I did.”

“You did?” he exclaimed.

“I did,” I giggled nervously. “Whatever happens, happens. I did it, though. I finished it.”

“Proud of you, baby.”

The warmth climbed up my chest until it hit my cheeks. I had not heard a lot of ‘proud of you’ growing up. I heard a lot of criticism, manipulation, demands, and a fair bit of character assassination, but not much in the way of praise, and precious little ‘proud of you’. Even better than hearing it was feeling it for myself.

“Thank you, baby. I’m pretty pleased with myself, actually.”

“You should be,” he replied warmly. “Your girls there? Are they staying?”

“Yup!”

“Hmm, we’ll have to delay our celebration until later.”

The flutter grew wings and I smiled, knowing that we would. “That sounds good.”

“You make dinner?”

“Nope.” Anxiety over being selfish flooded me, and I rushed to explain, “I haven’t gotten that far. I worked on the book all day. I probably should have taken a break…”

“No, Mara, no. You don’t always have to stop to feed us. How about I pick up something for dinner?”

I took a deep breath, took a moment to recognize my emotions, and recalibrated. “That would be great. Let me see what everyone wants…”

I hadn’t finished speaking when Willa voted for ‘Greek food’ and Bex concurred.

“They chose…”

He laughed. “I heard. I’ll see you soon. Love you, baby. ”

“Love you, Zee.”

Zale came home with dinner and was not shy about his congratulatory kiss. I felt myself flush a deep red, but it pleased me.

Willa complained, “Please, people, we’re trying to eat!”

Olivia picked that moment to come in and nonchalantly replied, “They do that, Auntie Willa, it’s best to just ignore them. Are we having Greek food?”

It was a happy group that gathered around the table, and for a moment I was thrown back to the time before Rhys, before Barrett, when this was our dynamic. Bex was so much happier than she was back then. Even Willa had something new in her eyes, something that I prayed was good, something I hoped had to do with Barrett.

I wondered if I looked different to them. I figured that I must, I’d never been terribly good at hiding my feelings.

I had that feeling that I got sometimes, a good feeling, the feeling I got when life was perfectly balanced, everything in place, all our blessings intact. I would not miss this; I would enjoy it. I would not waste these precious days on worry, and I’d squirrel away the warmth to shore me up in times of scarcity. We would have those times, too, but they are but one beat in the rhythm of life. I learned something important over the past several months, something that was true, something that I hoped to pass on to Olivia:

‘You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ’

Got that little gem from Winnie the Pooh.

The End

Thank you for reading Breathe Again!