43. A Sigh and A Smile

A Sigh and A Smile

M ara

Zale went back to work, and Olivia and I slipped into our newly modified routine. Bex planned to take Olivia to the shelter on Thursdays with Willa as usual, but she also picked her up on Tuesday for the afternoon. Willa’s weekly routine included having Olivia sleep over a couple of Fridays a month and she asked to take her Friday afternoon and keep her until dinnertime on Saturday. After that first successful week, Tuesdays with Bex, and Friday sleepovers at Willa’s became routine for a couple of months.

Zale and I spent many Saturdays in bed, sleeping late, watching the morning news with coffee, and making love. Fridays and Saturdays, now being a sure thing for me, allowed for the thrill of anticipation, minus the uncertainty that had been causing me such distress, with the added benefit of taking the pressure off Zale to find time to make love when he was exhausted from work. We would usually find an opportune time to come together midweek as well. Day by day, the weight of my sadness lifted, the knots in my stomach loosened, and my lungs thawed.

The effects of the year of rejections didn’t go away overnight. I didn’t trust that he still wanted me, and most times when he reached for me it still took some mental gymnastics to be able to let go, but after the first month, with all the attention he’d given me, I began to relax.

Sex was becoming sex for the sake of intimacy and enjoyment and was fun again, not something I needed just to stop the shaking. I still craved it, and nothing made me happier than being naked with my man, but I started to increasingly rely on using my tools when I was distressed, which really meant I relied on myself.

I had never felt so strong. Therapy was working wonders, I journaled daily, and I understood the wounds that my mother had inflicted. I took the necessary steps to parent the wounded child within me. I was learning to trust my husband’s word, and I worked hard at becoming the safe place I wanted to be for him. I was also learning to ask for what I needed and wanted without worrying about being a burden.

Willa and Bex jumped on the idea of helping with Olivia’s schooling and were doubly pleased that I gave them the autonomy to choose what they taught. Willa immediately chose art, Bex was undecided.

She didn’t want to pick just any subject arbitrarily, so she started by taking Olivia to Indigo. Bex followed along behind Olivia as she scanned the shelves in the children’s section, the art section, the travel section, and the theatre and film section. Whatever Olivia picked up, they discussed, and their projects and plans grew organically from there. They didn’t just stay at Indigo either. Bex found, suggested, and installed a ‘friends’ app on her phone so that I could see where they were, and they were booting all over town together.

Olivia thrived beneath the attention, started moving more confidently in the world, and was, for the first time, excited about new experiences.

Willa got the same app, as did I, and we all followed each other. The sense of security it gave me kept my anxiety down to a tolerable level, even though I did not ever know the full plans for what Bex or Willa would be doing with Olivia. Eventually, I hoped I would not need it .

When I voiced my dismay and apologies to both Bex and Willa about needing it, they laughed. Rhys thought it was a fantastic idea and had both Bex and Willa on it, as well as Barrett. In the end, we were all tracking each other, and it became not a weird thing that I needed, but a weird thing that we all shared.

After the first few bitter texts where I did not respond, Bea calmed down and sent me a few messages a week, usually a joke or a cute picture and we’d converse via text. I made sure I reached out to her as well, not wanting her to feel like the responsibility for keeping our relationship positive was hers alone. Oddly, she never asked how I was doing, or about Zale, or even Olivia, but at least she was positive.

Olivia’s angst over not seeing her grandmother gradually increased. Willa brought up the subject with me on Saturday when she brought her home.

“You want to stay for dinner, Willa? I’m making tacos,” I sang, trying to entice her to stay.

“Mm,” she hummed. “I wish I could, but I’ve got plans.”

“Plans?” I perked up, giving her the side-eye.

“Don’t get your hopes up, chickie,” she warned. “I don’t do serious, and I don’t do long term.”

I didn’t say anything, wanting more for her, but not wanting to pressure her or stick my nose in where it didn’t belong .

“I did want to talk to you about something, though,” she started just as Zale wandered over to the fridge to grab a beer.

“I’ll get out of your way so you can talk,” he said. He kissed her on the top of her head where she sat with me at the table.

“It’s not private, Zee, it’s about Olivia. You can hear.”

He pulled out a chair and twisted the cap off his beer. “What’s up?”

“She’s been talking to both Bex and I, as well as Barrett when he saw her at the shelter, and I think she even discussed it with the small animals volunteer, that she misses her grandmother, and no one will tell her where she is.”

Zale put his beer down on the table and folded his hands on the table.

“Huh,” I felt bad that I hadn’t noticed her anxiety. “She did bring it up to me once, I should have followed up.”

Both Zale and Willa waved my words away at the same time, then laughed.

“That’s not why I’m telling you. I just want you to know, if you feel that Olivia should see her, don’t hold back on my account.”

“I’m not. I’ve been holding back on my account. We have been texting...the first few texts were bitter, and I didn’t answer. She was positive after that for a couple of weeks. Zale and I are actually thinking of taking Olivia to see her tomorrow. ”

It made me sick to my stomach that my mother could be civil to me, but not to Willa. It didn’t feel right to play happy family with her while leaving Willa out in the cold.

“My stance on it,” Zale began, “is that she is an important person in Olivia’s eyes, and it’s Olivia’s wellbeing that I’m considering when we’re talking about going to see her. Saying that, Mara’s wellbeing is also important, as is yours, and if Bea steps out of line, then Olivia is going to learn important lessons on setting boundaries, and we’ll have to deal with the fallout. It won’t be the last painful thing she has to deal with in life.”

I nodded. I also thought, but didn’t add, that everyone deserves a second chance. I had hope, hope that she might one day be a supportive and loving mother to all of us. It pained me to think of her alone.

Willa nodded and Zale reached for her hand. “She will not be permitted to speak against you either, Willa. You are ours, and we love you. Don’t forget that.”

I was surprised to see tears spring to Willa’s pretty blue eyes. She rarely cried. It brought home to me just how much our mother had hurt her over the years, and how deeply into denial I’d sunk. It hurt. I needed to do something about that.

“Absolutely, we are family. Always.” I agreed.

She tipped her head back. “Ahhhh, enough!” She laughed. “I can’t take it. ”

Zale did not smile. He’d witnessed too many of Willa’s tears spilt because of Bea over the years. He stood and dropped a kiss on top of her head, ran his hand over her hair, kissed her again, and then walked over to the family room and sprawled his long body across the couch to watch tv.

Zale admitted that he had mixed feelings about going to see Bea the next day, but he worried about Olivia’s feelings. I thought it would be awkward, but Bea acted like nothing had ever happened. In a way, it was a relief, but we resolved nothing. It felt like we were all just playacting while sweeping it under the rug, and it was a huge fucking wrinkle.

Olivia and I had another visit with her, just the two of us, a couple of weeks later, and that went well too. I thought we could come to an understanding. Even if we couldn’t be a normal family, we could at least have civility. I had hope.

The beach excursion was the first real test for me, and with our bathroom mirror sex right before making me far too relaxed and sexified to care about who else was there, I simply lay back, relaxed, and watched my gorgeous man play with our daughter. It did not escape my notice that he drew attention from other women, likewise, I noted that he himself did not appear to notice, or if he did, he didn’t seem to care. The beach was only the beginning.

With Willa taking Olivia most Fridays, and the twins with their grandparents on Friday nights, Zale and I were free to go out with Bex and Rhys. The first time we went out was five weeks after the disastrous Holly outing, I felt embarrassed and on edge.

Bex and Rhys and Zale carried on as usual, and eventually I got caught up in the conversation and the laughter. We had gone out twice more, and tonight made the fourth Friday in a row, marking two months since I came home from the hospital.

We’d gone out for dinner, we’d gone to the movies, and we’d gone to a cafe that served decadent desserts and specialty coffees. Tonight, would be a true test. Baranga’s on the Beach in Milltown hosted live music weekends during the summer. It would be busy, lots of women dressed in their best, and one of them was going to be me.

My hair lay in loose curls to the middle of my back, I decided to wear it down, and I loved the contrast of the silver curls. I applied my makeup, my eyes smoky and come hither, my lips outlined and filled. I didn’t normally wear lipstick, Zale didn’t like the taste of it, but tonight I needed the armor. I looked in the mirror, and even I had to admit I looked good.

I stood in front of my closet. I’d gone shopping several times with Bex and Willa, over the past two months, and I had a marvelous summer wardrobe. I fingered the fabrics lined up on hangers. So many pretty things. The new wardrobe had gone a long way toward increasing my self-confidence.

I pulled out my outfit for that night, a black, silky, sleeveless, one-piece pantsuit. It dipped into a deep vee between my breasts, the bodice followed the line of my bust and cinched in at the waist, the pants lightly gathered at the waist tapered down to my ankles. I questioned the use of the silver belt, but trusting in Rebecca’s better judgement, I put it on. I remembered buying it.

Bex, Willa and I had stormed the Milltown Mall. Milltown had changed a lot over the years and now catered to a vastly varied clientele, covering everyone from lawyers to bartenders, university students to professionals, creative types to the buttoned down, and the diversity was reflected in the eclectic mix of stores.

We found a new store, and we cleaned up. I stepped out of the changing room, smoothing my hands over the hips of the pantsuit. The material was beautiful. I twisted and turned in front of the mirror, examining my reflection from all angles.

“That suits you, Merry.” Willa nodded her approval. “I think you should get it.”

The fabric was soft and had stretch, it wasn’t tight, but followed the lines of my body, a little closer than I usually liked.

“I think I could wear this,” I thought aloud.

“I think you should!” Bex agreed. “But it’s missing something, hang on.”

She returned in moments, a sparkly silver belt in her hands. “Try this.”

She wrapped it around my waist, drawing more attention to that area. Willa’s eyes bugged out of her head .

“Amazing! You have to get this!”

I laughed. “Guys, it makes my ass look huge!”

Rebecca grinned. “I know, isn’t it great!”

Willa laughed, too. “Merry, really, you look sexy as hell. Zale will not want you to wear this out of the house but there is nothing cheap or tawdry about it. It showcases your figure perfectly. You have to get it!”

I peered at my reflection, smiled at my girls. “Okay, I’ll get it.”

“Woo Hoo!” Willa cheered.

Rebecca winked. “Don’t forget the belt.”

This was the first time I wore it. I smoothed my palms over the fabric at my hips, slipped on my strappy, high-heeled sandals, and went out to the living room where Zale sat on the couch waiting for me.

My high heels tapped out a staccato beat, announcing my arrival. Zale stopped flicking through channels and turned to look at me over his shoulder, a warm smile on his handsome face.

“Hi,” I tentatively offered as the smile fell off his face and his eyebrows hit his hairline.

He stood up but didn’t speak, his eyes busy traveling up and down. His facial expression didn’t change but he made a circle motion with his finger indicating he wanted me to turn around .

I did.

He groaned.

“Good or bad?” I smiled softly, his face telling me the truth but wanting to hear the words anyway.

“Good. Very good. Too good.” He moved toward me, reaching for my hips.

I stepped back.

His brows snapped down over his dark eyes. He dipped his chin, caught my gaze, his own communicating intently exactly how he felt about my retreat, and stepped toward me again.

I laughed, held up my hands. “No, no, no!”

He shook his head and moved in quickly. He caught me around the waist and dipped his knees, pulling me up against his body, then hauling me upwards as he straightened.

“Zale, lipstick, lipstick!”

He stopped his pursuit of my mouth and went for my neck instead, speaking roughly against my throat. “Alright, we’ll do it without kissing.”

“We’re not going to do anything right now; we’re going to be late!”

“That’s right,” he agreed, his tongue swirling, his teeth nipping, his lips brushing. “We’re going to be late. ”

His lips worked my neck, and my eyelids fluttered shut. I was never any good at saying ‘no’ to him.

The doorbell rang.

My lids snapped open.

He looked so angry I couldn’t help but laugh.

“They’re here,” I whispered.

He sighed; his mouth quirked up on one side giving me his half-smile. He gently set me away from him. He looked down at his pants, chuckled. “You better answer it.”

I leaned forward, tipping my smiling face up to his as he smiled into my eyes, whispering, “I’m so happy right now.”

He cupped the back of my neck with his palm. “Not as happy as you’re going to be later.”

“Excellent,” I breathed.

Usually, we drove separately but parking could be an issue on live music nights, so Rhys and Rebecca picked us up. Bex looked stunning, wearing a simple, matte silver slip dress and strappy silver sandals. She insisted I sit with her in the back and we each got a boost up. Zale’s hands traveled all over my backside as he helped me into the truck, and I was blushing hotly by the time I got seated.

Rebecca laughed. “I’m surprised your lipstick is still on, actually, I’m surprised your pants are still on.”

I looked at her sideways and snorted. “It was a close call. ”

She snickered and I could not help the wide smile that spread across my face.

“Things are good?” she asked softly.

“Things are good.” I nodded. “You guys?”

“Good. I’m happy.”

“You deserve it. I think he might deserve you, too.”

“Debatable,” Rhys husky voice answered from the front seat. He met my eyes in the rearview mirror and smiled.

“Lucky girl, Bex,” I teased. “Barrett has the twins tonight?”

“Yup. Willa has Olivia?”

“Yes. Funny that those two haven’t gotten together.”

Rhys spoke again from the front seat. “It’s not for lack of interest. He’s interested, she’s shooting him down.”

“Huh!” both Zale and I uttered at once, then I wondered aloud, “I wonder why?”

“She’s busy with work, volunteering, he’s too close to her family...she’s got lots of excuses.”

“Rhys! You are a gossip!”

Laughter rumbled up from his chest. “I’m trying my hand at matchmaking,” he protested.

Zale agreed. “I’ve put in a good word for him, not sure what’s really holding her back. ”

“Is it so unbelievable to you guys that a woman could withstand your charms?” Bex sassed.

“Yes,” they responded in unison.

Bex snorted and I laughed. They did not. Bex and I went back to our conversation and soccer talk resumed in the front seat.

“Willa wants to keep up with the routine even though I’m feeling better.”

“I do, too. The twins will be out of school for summer break soon and they’ll join us. I think it’ll be good for all of us.”

“I’m not sure what to do with all the extra time at this point.”

“What would you like to do?”

I’d been asking myself the same question. I’d toyed with the idea of writing a novel, but I was almost embarrassed to say anything about it. Truthfully, I had the entire plotline worked out on my computer. I’d been working on that more than I had been working on my children’s books.

“You have something you want to do. I can see it on your face.”

“There are a few things,” I stated slowly, “there’s a story I want to write, for adults, not for kids…” My voice petered off.

“That’s fantastic! You used to talk about that all the time.”

The thing about having a friend for as long as I’d had Bex is that they know your history, and sometimes they remember things about you that you’ve forgotten. This was one of those things .

“That’s true. I’d forgotten about that,” I mused. “I’m going to write it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome, chickie,” she squeezed my hand, “tell me about it?”

“Not yet,” I hedged, “but I will. You can be my reader if you like?”

Rebecca put her hands on her heart. “I would love that. I’m happy to see you spreading your wings a bit.”

“What about you, Bex? Are you wanting to do anything new or different?”

She nodded. “I am taking on an assistant. I’ve contacted the local college program and I’ve offered an internship program.”

“Really? Wow, I never thought you’d ever do something like that. What brought that on?”

“Busy! Lots of orders, I can’t keep up. To keep up, I’d have to give up the craft fair circuit, and I am really loving that.”

Rebecca had just gotten back on the craft fair circuit, getting up face to face with her customers, the previous summer.

“Also, I’ve so enjoyed teaching Olivia, I think I’ll enjoy training budding jewelers. We’ll see, I guess. Might backfire, might be great. ”

“I think it’s definitely worth a try, for sure. It’s better than having to say no to orders, and I would not want you to give up the craft fair circuit. How long is the initial commitment?”

“Just one semester. If it goes well, I can offer an internship to another student, ditch the program, or hire a graduate if I find someone who works well with me.”

We lucked out with the parking and Zale carefully handed me down from Rhys’ truck, his hands wrapped firmly around my ribs, my hands to his shoulders. I didn’t get the full butt massage, what with being in public, but he kept his hand on me from the moment he helped me out of the truck until he seated me at our table. Even then, he pulled my chair closer to his, and stretched his arm along the back of it.

That chair business was standard procedure for Zale, the undisguised intensity of the attention was not. I reveled in it. I felt loved. Interesting. What a revelation that he could give me that feeling outside of our bedroom, outside of sex. Maybe it was more about the focus than it was about the sex. I was floating on air.

The restaurant was bumping, the buzz of conversation and laughter permeating the very air. Rhys, being a natural storyteller, entertained us with stories about his work, his family, and the twins. We shared the events from the past week, plans for the coming week, and hopes for future plans.

This got me thinking about other things, other than writing. Olivia was thriving, there was room for me to do a bit more now, and I was coming to believe that it would be just as good for her as it would be for me. My breakdown had delivered a gift, and that gift was of community. Rhys was a comfort to me now, as was Barrett, and both were close to Zale. In fact, I had noticed that Zale talked to Rhys quite a bit, often with a beer in hand, on either his back porch or ours, Barrett often joining them.

Willa was more involved with us than ever, and Rhys had adopted her as a younger sister. This made more sense now knowing how Barrett felt about her. I hoped she’d be brave.

As for Zale and me, we had become quite isolated for a number of years, so this was a change, a great one. Another thing about having community, it made you want to contribute, and I felt that, too.

Conversation died down quite a bit with the start of the music. The band was exceptional, the food, delicious, the company, first-rate. We stayed late, late for us at least, and when we walked out to the car, Bex and I walked in front, swinging our joined hands, Rhys and Zale bringing up the rear. I looked back to find Zale’s eyes trained on my ass and I laughed out loud. He met my eyes and smiled a promise.

Later, after Rhys and Bex dropped us off, after Zale ushered me to our bed, after his roaming hands removed my clothes, after he lay me down on our bed, after he wrapped my legs around his waist and covered me with his beautiful body, after he fell asleep with his arm draped over my waist, my body, the little spoon, tucked against his chest, after all of that, I realized, I had not once noticed the other women at the bar.

I fell asleep with a sigh and a smile.